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Need to say something, but not really sure how to say it. So I'm going to include an analogy befitting my fire fighter job.

As a severely abused child, I clung to the idea that if and when I could get away from my Witch mother, everything would be OK. I looked to my NPD father (mom and dad divorced) to save me from the Witch, but he ended up betraying me in the worst way--by molesting me. While he was charming and gracious to me as a child for the most part (I wasn't threatening to his superiority complex yet, and his coping method was charming manipulation, versus my mothers explosions of rage) he never intervened in what he later claimed to know was horrible abuse by my mother. I knew my mother was a dangerous person, but even during the molesting (which wounded me deeply emotionally), it still took me many years to grasp that my fathers syrupy narcissism was just as warped. The contrast, to a small child, between a syrupy (but manipulative) father, and an out of control rage filled Witch, made my father seem wonderful (uh, except for that molesting, which I couldn't put into a context anywhere in my mind, so separated out into a "good dad/bad dad" slivered view).

Well, guess what? When I grew up and got away from the Witch, everything was NOT ok. I was kicked out at 15, before I was even old enough to drive or get a real job. The only real skills I had were all about enduring chaos and abuse. I was a mess.

But I eased my way towards the vague but deeply sincere promise I had made to myself as a kid--that when I grew up, I was NOT going to be like the Witch. The rest of my life so far has been defining exactly what it was I was trying to be the opposite of. At first, it was meanness. I didn't want to be mean like my mother. So I became the opposite--a doormat, afraid to even stand up for or protect myself, lest it be construed as "mean" (for example, saying "I won't tolerate being treated like this" sounded pretty selfish and mean to me on some level). Well, obviously, that didn't work out real well.

Somewhere along the way, I had some real epiphanies. In hindsight, those always involved seeing myself, not others and whatever they did to me. And I was no longer afraid of intense self examination, insight, and self awareness. In fact, I began to actively pursue it, not just be passively open to it. But my pattern with my promise continued. For example, I had an insight about my mother and personality disorders. That a basic personality disorder issue is an exaggerated life and death struggle AGAINST self awareness, insight, and self examination. So I became microscopic and obsessive about self awareness, insight, and self examination. (I need to lighten up!)

For those of us addicted to epiphanies, it becomes obvious that mostly they strike like lightning. And have the same effect, including electricity, thunder... .And last about as long in terms of effect on my life. The real gains I've made seem more like hard labor on a foundation.  I benefit from the flash awakenings too, but there is a lifetime of habit that doesn't just change with a thought, regardless of how profound it is. But there are those other kind... .most epiphanies are like lightening bolts that are all consuming in the moment and then quickly fade (disappointingly so, sometimes). But there are those rare few that actually light a fire. And maybe burn down the place where you can't see the forest for the trees. And strip it completely bare and vulnerable, like in the wake of a forest fire. And suddenly, everything is different, and there is no going back. This is liberating, but also frightening and very vulnerable.

And I'm having me one of those. That is also, at the same time, surrounded by the flash in the pan lightning bolt insights--like puzzle pieces finally falling into place (which can be distracting). And like all good true epiphanies, it's about myself. (hmmm... .maybe differentiation is necessary. The lightning bolts aren't epiphanies. They're insights. And they can be about anybody or anything. But all good true epiphanies are about yourself. In a nakedly honest and vulnerable way.)


About how and why I pick the dysfunctional relationships I do--not just as a "victim" of those relationships. About a small child, unable to even comprehend the rage and hatred heaped upon me, let alone the complex emotional reactions I have to that. About the complex emotions--unable to be processed by such a small child--getting put into "storage" if you will until such time as they CAN be processed. And fear being the lock on that storage box--a fear that persists into adulthood. About the small child desperately seeking a child's level coping method to endure the fear and pain that is too overwhelming for the child... .the child that was told it was all her (my) fault, that I caused that rage and hatred (spoken by a woman in an exaggerated life and death struggle against self awareness, insight, and self examination). The child who, with no other options, and no other way to protect myself, made up a plan. A plan to be better, gooder, and useful/helpful, therefore to be more lovable and have worth.

That plan didn't work then, and it still doesn't work now. That plan was designed to bring order out of chaos, to bring love out of hate, to bring nurturing out of rage. And it was based on the belief that what the witch said was true--that an inherent flaw in me was the cause of others emotions. Obviously, that wasn't true--she just wasn't owning her own feelings--so obviously the plan was doomed to fail from the get go. But how was the small child to know that?

The small child grew into an adult, who still had the same flawed plan etched into my now unconscious (automatic) psyche. But who now also believed that as an adult finally, I am still responsible for others emotions, but now they are also responsible for mine! My intellect has grown, and that is the only logical summation to an accepted but incorrect premise. A childs plan designed to make me feel less hopeless, less powerless, less passive about my perceived inherent-to-the-core vileness. A plan that requires outside validation--but at the same time, an inability to accept that validation (because it comes from the outside!)

I spent years and years trying to understand why my now Ex does what he does. So I could better adapt, try harder and better not to piss him off, so he would love me and we could have a simpler, more peaceful life together... .because I'm replaying the whole childhood drama again and again, hoping my coping method (the only one I know, that a tiny child taught herself) will work this time. If only I can now do it better and gooder because I'm an adult now. I'd be outraged to the point of leaving by his latest flippant disregard for me (because he should give the validation of credit for trying so hard, even though I'm inherently flawed) but then when the fear of abandonment and rejection would grip me in it's icy cold fingers again, right in the gut, (and I'm attaching this to him now, not seeing the connection to childhood--because I feel it now, but couldn't then, so I don't recognize it) then I'd think "How selfish. I could have done better (and gooder!). I'm not perfect and neither is he and I should be more understanding and less mean (there's that promise to not be like the Witch, who won't tolerate ANYTHING, and to be the opposite--the doormat who will tolerate EVERYTHING) I need to try harder to make this work" When the real truth was I was being treated like S$#@ and didn't like it anymore than I did as a kid, but was also terrified of being rejected and abandoned--more terrified of that than of being treated like S$#@. I KNEW how to endure being treated like crap--had years of practice at it. No, I didn't like it, but I knew how to endure it. But the unresolved small child inside was justifiably (as a child) absolutely scared stiff at being rejected and abandoned by the very adults I was dependent on.

It wasn't about him. It was about me. And the need to review and update my coping methods. The need to see my continuing inability to deal with those overwhelming (to a child) fears in their proper context so they could be grieved and resolved as an adult--which I couldn't as long as I was unconsciously attaching them to a string of relationship partners, blaming them for "making" me feel the way I did. No, I wasn't a victim of the relationship. And neither was he. We were both just superimposing our buried fears on each other, demanding that each other resolve our own deepest inner responsibilities to OURSELVES.

The insights here (those lightning strikes) make me want to continue my old pattern--let me go back and fix this!--but the epiphany--about myself--has brought with it a much better understanding and acceptance of healthy boundaries, and not allowing others to get comfortable disrespecting me. There's no going back.

It's time to let go... .it will be OK.

I have taken to talking to the small child--something I never ever thought I would do, that it was stupidly corny and delusion to do such a ridiculous thing as talk to ones former self. When the fear grips my stomach, and I want to rush to my ex for assurance and comfort, I have taken to showing my "small child" around my house, showing her/me that I did this for her/me, that I'm there for her/me and will protect her/me. That as an adult, I can do that now, when I couldn't as a kid. Explaining to her/me that going to my abuser for assurance and protection was the only option as a child, but is no longer a good or safe option and doesn't make sense. If I have to do it 50 times a day, that's what I do. Some days it's all cool--other days it's not.

My ex is diagnosed Bipolar 1 mixed, with psychotic features (paranoid delusions) and bipolar driven narcissistic and anti-social personality disorders. His original diagnosis in the mid 1980's was paranoid schizophrenic with manic depression (it took a long time to find someone as dangerous as my mother!). It is a HORRIBLE idea to "go back and 'fix' things" with him. As our counselor pointed out several times, the ex is NOT CAPABLE of the genuine and sincere emotional interaction required in an intimate relationship. Not unwilling--INCAPABLE. And I suppose that's why I chose him and he chose me--because I wasn't capable of it either. For different reasons and with at least the ability to change that, whereas he can't--his brain chemistry issues aren't reversible or curable. It's not a good idea to allow the "small child" to make the decision that dangerous psychopaths are the place to turn for assurance and comfort from the fear of rejection and abandonment. Sure, I had no choice as a kid, but now I do. I have sympathy now for my ex and his issues (and I've had many, many lightning bolt insights over the years about him, and the difference between him and his mental illness, and why he is who he is, etc) but am able to understand that doesn't mean I have to DO anything about it, or fix anything, or accuse myself of being MEAN for not wanting to be enveloped in his mental illness (even if I have to remind the "small child" of this over and over).

The difficult journey continues. And is worth it, and shows hard won progress. With, of course, more to come. Thanks for allowing me to vocalize all this, so that I can internalize and absorb it. Do something with it instead of allow it to fade. As for the unresolved fears and hurts... .well, I'm grieving them in as big of chunks as I can regurgitate at a time. And when I've examined them under my obsessive microscope (wouldn't want to be like that Witch!) and poked and prodded them until I feel safe enough to actually just experience them, then I can open my white knuckled fist, and look at what I wrote on my palm (it's time to let go... .it will be ok)

Hey there DoubleAries ,

Can totally relate to what you are saying, thanks for sharing!

I also thought that I was inherently flawed, defective - whatever you want to call it.  And the only way to fix that was to be better, more perfect etc. - get to that stage of perfection where I would no longer be defective.  Unfortunately, that never works, as my uBPD mother (inner critic inside my head) kept raising the bar higher and higher.

Whenever I was upset or had something that scared me (well - not so often lately - but more often a few years ago), I would want to run to my uBPD mother for reassurance or more likely an emotionally unavailable girlfriend.  When in actual fact, I needed to comfort and reassure my inner child and tell him that everything was going to be alright and speak to him on a continuing basis (going back in time - and explaining to him that I will be there for him - we will get through it together).  Learning to self soothe and tell myself that everything is going to be okay is becoming invaluable (it doesn't always work as well as it should on those bad days) and is incredible.  And most importantly, that I "am enough" and I don't need to be better or more perfect or otherwise in order to be worthwhile.  I am worthwhile just as I am, simple as that :)

Big hugs to you  .

Take care,

Anon72

Thanks, anon72!

It is also really helpful to be able to communicate with others who understand (and not have to explain the details to those who are like "wha... .? What the heck are you talking about?"

My inner critic in my head even rips me to shreds for having an inner critic in my head! How hypocritical is *that*? lol

Thanks for this, doubleAries.  You say you are grateful for the opportunity to vocalize, but you are giving us an opportunity as well, since we all learn from each other.  :)


Yes.  The "survival strategy" developed in childhood rarely works in adulthood.  I've written recently about "facing the void" when you even think about stopping using a survival strategy.  

Where I am at now is, sometimes I feel this void, other times I imagine myself going into interpersonal situations without my strategy ("get it all perfect" and it's almost like this... .super-too-much-aliveness, an electric sensation of really living that emotional intimacy in the moment, being with a person or people rather than hiding behind anything.   "Aliveness" sounds like a good thing and it is, but it's like pins-and-needles, the blood rushing back into your leg after you sat cross-legged for too long and getting that circulation back is positive but painful.  


It's true, the inner critic (or terrorist) will grab hold of anything that can be used to discredit you.  So this "inner critic criticizing you for having an inner critic" makes complete sense to me.

Maybe this will be helpful.  It comes to my mind from time to time but I have not fully embraced it yet (one of those "foundation building" things maybe)... .do you realize that you have the critic because you HAD to make the most of an intolerable situation.  Can you celebrate yourself for surviving, and really, even if you know the inner critic is causing you pain... .see just how elegant this survival mechanism is?  That installing the critic was actually the most loving thing you could have done for yourself at the time?

thanks, eeks--yes, I saw that post about the void, and commented on it. Boy, it really is like that, isn't it? I suppose because those buried feelings are coming out now, and that's what it felt like to the child--absolutely overwhelming and terrifying--and that's why it got stuffed in the basement. No can do (at the time--heck, it's hard enough now!)

I haven't heard much out of my inner terrorist here for a few weeks. Odd, because I have NEVER been able to make it SHUT UP. I suspect that the inner terrorist was a "lock" on the box o' hurt. Not really needed anymore. Though I suspect that years and years and years of living with it will make it come back from time to time, just out of familiarity/habit.