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So I met another one. Just a friend no relationship, but I kinda suspected it. I knew what would inevitably happen but the insta buddy thing did help get me out of a funk. So the person dumped me the same day they found a new friend, I dont really care. Just found  it interesting how predictably they all follow the same pattern. How instanteous you go from hero to zero when alternatives appear. I still miss my ex sometimes but I believe he was set to leave regardless. An alternative appeared, I outlived my usefulness. I think these relationships work only if you do not care.  I feel guilty I used someone... .I don't even care I have been split black. Shouldn't I? I just feel nothing... .could I possibly have narc traits?

Hey BB,

At least it isn't the ex this time.   :) 

Maybe you are just desensitized to the drama and being painted black as a result of what happened with the ex?

I had a similar experience, with the first person I dated after my BPD relationship also being a pretty clear example of Cluster B traits.

On our first date, he told me all about how the DUI he got wasn't his fault.

He is divorced and has broken all contact with his ex-wife's family.  Her old website, which I looked up, gushes about how they are "soul mates."

He is working a job far beneath him, not in the field that he studied.

He refused to take a better job because he said the boss there was a jerk (but he used a different word . . .)

When I was on vacation, he aggressively sent text messages asking me to save all my Fridays when I got home for him.

When I got home, he canceled all our Friday dates.  Blowing hot and cold right from the start.

I cut him loose at that point because the pattern was very clear.

Thanks GEM! I've been wondering about what signs to look for in a guy next time round.

Although I have some doubts about working in a job below your level and in a different field. I work with hundreds of people from all over the world and most of them have 1 if not 2 university degrees but work beneath their level because they can't find a job on their level or in their field in their own country due to the economy. And what about someone turning their life around, wanting to get away from the stressful rate race and I don't know, become a crofter (like a farmer with a bit of land, 1 cow, 12 chickens kind of thing) or a potter? I don't see any harm in that. Actually, I would love to do that myself  :)

People with disorders will avoid working in their field or to their full ability because it is a way to avoid accountability.  You can generally tell by talking to someone if this is the case.  With my exBPD, he worked for a wage below the poverty level as a temp worker -- he had no real boss, no colleagues, and no real responsibilities.  He just showed up where the temp agency told him to and left.  It saved him from having real relationships with people that he'd have to maintain.  He had a masters degree in his field and was otherwise very intelligent and competent.  He also volunteered to do a job that would have paid $10/hr . . . because he said he liked to do his own thing rather than having to answer to someone.  As long as he just volunteered, he could do the job how he wanted, when he wanted.  In the case of the second individual I met, the fact that he turned down a very good job because the boss was a, uh, jerk . . . well, same kind of thing.  He also had a masters degree from a VERY prestigious institution but was working as a fast food worker.  That was a  red-flag to me.

Yeah... reminds me of my ex when I asked him what job he wanted to do (as his job was clearly already in jeopardy then due to a struggle for authority with his manager): "I just want to be a free spirit... " Last time I checked there were no job openings available for free spirits...

I went to a fast food place a couple weeks ago, the girl behind the counter with green hair, was really bubbly and started telling me all about her problem with lactose intolerance and after that interesting conversation I ordered my food and sat down to eat. She follows me to my table and goes on about her afternoon plans about new hair colors and how bad she felt about being stuck inside all the while I'm smiling at her and knodding my head.

Supper friendly or revealing way to much info for a complete stranger, reminded me so much or my exBPD. Wild crazy eyes and just too much excitement for me. Lol. Yes they are out there and more are hatching from those silver coocoons laying in secret places.

Keep rocking

I'll have to say ... .whenever I see unnaturally colored hair now  ... .  red-flag    red-flag

No really good reason for that nor is it fair.   Perhaps I am identifying colored hair with unstable sense of self?

Or clowns or as you said but I'm thinking "look at me, look at me"

Attention seeking all the time?

But...  what if I don't want to have grey hair yet? 

Lol wounded, we all know you are not coocoo for cocoa puffs, color away :)

Now THAT I recognize from my ex too. Ok, we were not complete strangers but just colleagues. But when he first 'discovered' me and decided I was 'awesome' he told me these really private weird things and I kept thinking "why are you telling me this?". And I felt myself tensing up because I felt he wasn't telling me the truth either. My intuition knew something was off but I went with the love bombing, and the "he's sensitive like me, he's got an interesting inside world, he just needs a bit of help navigating the world and the baddies, he's nuts about me and he looks really hot too... " anyway. Stupid me. ALWAYS LISTEN TO INTUITION IN FUTURE

I'm the same way, C.Stein.  Changing hair color every once in a while is fine, lots of people do it, but when I am on Tinder or other dating sites and see a girl who has multiple pictures and a different hair color in each one, I run the opposite direction.  My pwBPD's ex told me that she sometimes dyed her hair once a week, and I really don't think he was exaggerating. 

It's funny that you say this, because I have always viewed the extreme need for outward expression as a sign of problems.  Not necessarily a disorder, but issues.  I find that I am especially wary of people who use their appearance to brand themselves rebels, i.e. people with excessive tattoos, very eccentric and provocative styles of dress, etc.  My ex had long hair down past his waist.  It was quite an unusual statement for a man, especially a professional who wanted to be taken seriously.  He was also extremely defensive about it.  It's one thing to dress in a way that is unique or special, but it crosses a line when someone knows it is off-putting to most people they meet and they keep it up.  For my ex with his narcissist tendencies, his fashion statements (or lack thereof) were a giant statement to the world that following trends was beneath him, and fitting in with all those lowly sheep was beneath him.  It also gained him acceptance in the music community, which is the only place he really cared about belonging.  I thought the hair thing was a  red-flag when I met him, but yes, I ignored it, and thought I was just being prejudiced . . .

Excellent observation... .and probably true! Congrats btw on making moderator. You've come a loong way baby  :)

GreenEyedMonster: Wow that guy sounded like a lunatic... .how long did it take you to realize something was wrong?

Wounded: nope, no free spirit opportunities but I hear circus clown still pays well lol.

Just to clarify, it's the blue, purple, pink, etc... .hair colors that cause me to think that, not the natural ones.  

I don't necessarily have a problem with natural hair colors but frequent changes does leave me wondering about poor self-image and/or vanity.  While neither indicate a PD it might suggest the person struggles internally.  It would be extremely unfair to judge a person based on their hair color and/or how frequently they change it, however it might give one reason to proceed with caution.

Which guy are you asking about?  I've been talking about two of them on this thread 

It took me a while to figure out how messed up my ex was.  I ignored the  red-flag when he said he got engaged to his last girlfriend after talking to her on instant messenger for 10 days and had never met her in person.  I ignored the  red-flag when he would rant every time he'd walk by a barber shop because they wanted to cut his hair -- not kidding.  It became harder to ignore the  red-flag when he started telling me that his ex-girlfriend was a psycho stalker who wanted to keep him prisoner as her sex slave before murdering him.  By that point I was ready to put the relationship to the test, knowing that he would probably think something similar about me one day.  I wasn't far from the truth.  My friends say that he has reported me to county authorities for stalking him, after he said that he hadn't heard anything from me in 3 months.

As for the other guy, I more or less realized it after the first date, but was willing to give him one more chance in case I was wrong.  When he talked about wrecking his car and getting a DUI and how it was all the bartender's fault, I knew I was dealing with someone who had a problem.  My second attempt proved all of my suspicions.

Hey Green: the interm

What do you mean?