BPDFamily.com

I'm new here, but have been reading lessons and posts. So... .what I am specifically having trouble with is this... .

Any time I make plans with or without my partner, as the date/time approaches he will either be angry, which makes me a nervous wreck & walking on eggshells not to mention him keeping me awake and exhausted, or else he will give me the silent treatment. In the past, I've tried just doing what I want to do, but it feels like I'm made to "pay for it" later with angry outbursts. Or if I give up my plans, he's not happy anyway. Basically it just sucks making any plans at all as it causes so much stress for me.

I've tried so hard to be a stable influence on our young child, and to keep plans that I make, but it feels like I keep getting beaten down (verbally and emotionally). We are supposed to start a road trip to visit family tomorrow (just me and my child), but I am getting the silent treatment, with a few angry outbursts peppered in. My plan is to just leave tomorrow, even if this behavior continues. BUT, history has shown me that he will drink all night, keep me awake with yelling and accusations, then act like I'm abandoning him and taking his child away from him. This leaves me emotionally beaten down and exhausted - not a good way to start a long drive.

Are there any tips for making these events/plans go more smoothly? Anything I can try differently? I've tried giving him advance notice, being extra kind and attentive/validating this time, but he just ignored me completely except for the few times he blew up (throwing things and making huge messes in areas I just cleaned, for example).

Or just any advice or words of encouragement? Thanks for reading. :)

What does he say when you ask him started l what's upsetting him? You've read the lessons. Have you done this in a validating way? If so, how does he respond, and can you point to where it breaks sudden?

Turkish

First, 

The thing is you know exactly what he'll do if you leave, and what he'll do if you don't.  I would just go and ignore his phone calls.  Then if he continues to yell once you get home, ignore him still.  Let him get his anger out of his system.  Treat it like a tantrum, and it will resolve itself like a tantrum.  The good news is that he can get his own bottle afterwards.

@Turkish, I had asked him several times with only silence in return. After seeing your comment, i reread the validation lessons & tried the one approach I tend to resist - mind reading. I told him what I thought was the problem & said that I understood. After a minute or two, he confirmed that what I said was right and he opened up a little. Progress! He still kept me up late by talking loudly and ignoring my requests for sleep, but there was no yelling. Thanks for the comments.

@iluminati, you are right, of course. I managed to leave without a fight, but part of me worries how bad it will be when I get home. I'll keep in mind to treat it like a tantrum & try to not get involved. I won't even bring him his blankie. :)

Hi there. I can really relate to this one. I face exactly the same issue. We have got to the point where my wife no longer rages when I make future plans without her. But when it comes to the day she often engages in sabotage. Either I get the silent treatment, or she suddenly feels ill and needs me to stay at home, or she flies into a rage about something unrelated, and claims it has nothing to do with my plans for going out.

As you say this is all very stressful and contributes to a feeling that one is constantly walking on eggshells. I am far from figuring this out (see my recent post on a similar issue). A few things I have found helpful:

- Don't get sucked into arguments about whether you have the right to do activity x away from your partner. You will never convince them.

- Do give as much advance notice as possible and reminders before the event. Try to avoid surprises like coming back a lot later than you said you would. Understand your partner is wired a certain way and this will trigger a lot of anxiety.

- Go away and do something enjoyable if you get the silent treatment. Walk away from angry outbursts. No discussion if they can't be civil.

None of this is guaranteed to work. You will probably encounter so-called extinction bursts and rage along the way. This is the stage I am currently grappling with... .

This is important, no point going away and stewing or fuming about things, it is about getting yourself back in a good frame of mind as anything else. If you are just walking around the block muttering to yourself lie a crazy person it is not doing you any good.