BPDFamily.com

Hi, My friend who is married to a uBPDh for over 20 yrs. fled to a friend's house 3 weeks ago. H immediately served her with divorce papers which he apparently had ready to go, including unreasonable demands. She struggled with finding a decent attorney, and also with the decision to agree to the divorce, under more reasonable terms. That was just done Friday, so there has been no lawyer-to-lawyer discussion yet.

She was just informed by a neighbor that H has been selling their household belongings, and has been doing it for a while, they have seen people come and buy. She checked on craigslist and saw several of their items for sale, such as her rocking chair, and the kitchen table. She can tell from the background of the photos that the couch and bed are gone. No idea what else has transpired.

What should she do?

Since neither of them have filed for divorce, there is nothing really to stop him from selling things, sadly. I notice in many divorces, not just BPD, that there is a bit of a fire sale mentality. Some people here have come home to houses that were stripped bare. My own L told me to take half of everything -- apparently there are lawyers who recommend their clients take the whole shebang. It's one of the weirdest parts of family court, in my experience. I don't think the court system wants to spend any time fussing over the "stuff" so there is a rather indignant process where lawyers toss around figures (who gets this, who gets that) like money grows on trees.

Usually in a divorce, when it's time to split up items, there is a financial affidavit or equitable distribution process where both parties list household items and then assign them Craig's list resale value.

Your friend should take screenshots of all of the items that are sold, and start listing everything she can think of and assigning value to it. If he has been preparing for divorce, that means he is a few steps ahead of her and she may need some counseling to help her process what's happening so that she isn't constantly on her heels. If she is conflict avoidant, she may sabotage herself in the negotiations to show that she is agreeable and fair.

It's important to have a bottom line and be assertive -- not aggressive, which is different -- and stand her ground. I was prepared to give away the house AND the 401K out of a combination of guilt and the hope that he would roll over and let me have full custody. Bad idea! I actually let my lawyer and therapist talk to each other, and my L knew exactly what to say to prevent me from making my financial situation precarious.

Another thing I learned is that when you start to see yourself as someone with agency, someone who has a plan and is not going to let this ruin your life, there are angel people who show up determined to help. It can feel like you're going over a ledge into thin air, and I was surprised to find a whole net beneath me to catch my fall.

I hope the same is true for your friend.

LnL

A general concept in most if not all divorce courts is that once a case is filed then no marital assets should be sold or disposed of without agreement.  However, that's the law or process on paper.  The reality is different.  Things like this happen.

If H sold some things before he filed, she may have ethical claims to contest his selling but I'm not sure of her legal basis, that's for the lawyer to determine.

Be aware the proceeds from these sales will almost surely promptly disappear, squirreled away, hidden or squandered.

First, her lawyer should notify his lawyer that this should cease immediately and any sold items should be retrieved.  (Unlikely to happen but ought to be included.  After all, some may have emotional value far more than the financial value.)

Second, she needs to document as much of his selling as possible.  Snapshots or printouts of all items he is selling, especially any items that would be considered marital property or that she or the children were the typical users.  Ignore, for example, if he's selling his shirts, pants, shoes, underwear, etc, since those would be considered his personal items.

If she has any photos of the house contents before separation, then those could be used to document what had been there at the time.

Third, be prepared to present this in court to make sure the judge also tells him to stop any such selling.

Fourth, be prepared to add these items to the list of items of marital property.  Possibly he sold these far below fair values so don't accept his low valuations.  Another however... .often by the time the spouses get to the stage of splitting financial assets and debts, a lot gets lumped together or ignored in the rush to wrap up and finalize the divorce.  Not fair but that can happen.  Be aware and beware.