BPDFamily.com

Hi.  I have two daughters, now ages 31 and 29.  My 29 year old gave birth to a baby 9 years ago and because of my daughter's BPD, she basically abandoned her baby and my husband and I ended up adopting her when she was 3 (got both my daughter and her ex to sign away their rights).  Sadly, because of her behaviors, my daughter has been banished from spending time at my house.  My granddaughter/her daughter has had a bellyful of my daughter's attitude and obnoxiousness.  My older daughter no longer wants a relationship with me because of the situation with my younger daughter and my adoption of my grand--she looks a lot like her mother, whom my older daughter despises.  I am here to find support from others who are related to someone with BPD but don't have the option of completely walking away from them.

Hi and welcome.  You have really come to the right place.  There are much better qualified people than me who will guide you about your particular situation, which sounds difficult indeed.  The destruction and chaos that BPD can cause to families is quite terrible at times.  My BPDD33 daughter has alienated us from at least half of our family by her behaviour!  At least here you are in good company, with people who have been there, done it, and bought the T - shirt!   

Thanks!  Yes, my situation is complex.  If not for my granddaughter/her daughter, I would cut my BPDD loose.  We are right now only emailing, and I am even doing that reluctantly.  She is so good at finding my triggers and stomping all over them.  I love her dearly, but I can't stand her at the same time.  My granddaughter feels the same way--and that's her birth mother!  *sigh*  I am so tired of this.

Hi BuffyS,

I wanted to join Rockie Place in welcoming you to the site and the Parenting Board, we are glad you are here with us.

I'm sorry to learn that you and your granddaughter have such a tumultuous relationship with your d29.  Has your d29 been diagnosed with BPD?

Has she had therapy of any kind?

Learning how to communicate with our kids/adult kids in a more beneficial way for ourselves, them, our relationship is possible.  We will be glad to walk you through it and support you as you learn.

lbj

My daughter considers herself ADD and anxious.  She does not believe she has any real mental issues.  She went to Celebrate Recovery and some therapy sessions, but nothing long-term.  She has become a very arrogant self-proclaimed Messianic Jew and wants my 9 yr old granddaughter to walk around like she's Amish or something.  This is the same person who, since age 14, wore shockingly short skirts and low-cut tops and flirted with and played men.   She judges and mocks and teases and demeans, and orders us around.  That is why she is banned from this house.

No, she was not formally diagnosed but my mother was and my daughter has virtually all of the same traits.  So yes, she has had a bit of therapy but not in a few years.  She wants me and her to go together, but I already see the writing on the wall.  If the therapist says one thing that makes my dd29 feel defensive, she won't want to go back.

Hi BuffyS, so glad you have found this forum. It is indeed a hard road balancing our families with BPDDD's and adopted gd's. My DD will be 30 in May, and my gd will be 11 in June. DD is in/out of our home, though never out of our lives. Gd has always lived with us, and we have legal custody since she was 9 months. We are trying to legally adopt her to get benefits under dh's social security. Have the consents from both parents and need FBI to accept my worn out fingerprints! This is another story for another place.

Avoiding anything that puts her on the defensive is a big part of what I perceive with my DD too. She has tried different therapies - some court ordered - and has never completed any/learned much.  Having her in our lives is hard for gd, who has a lot of anxiety plus ADD. DD has some moderate/severe learning issues, ADHD, anxiety/panic disorder, BPD dx. Even though she seems to accept her dx's, she refuses any treatment.

What I have done is followed a path of intense self-care (though still struggle with things when chaos overtakes my household). It feels really selfish at times -- it is not though others think it is. What this looks like for me over past several years is allowing time for myself -- to read, to take quiet time to be contemplative in prayer, to reach out and build a support network, mostly in my new church, and to find the professionals that can help me process all of this. I also have put effort into taking care of my marriage, which had suffered a lot. Dh and I are better able to be open and honest with each other, though not always pleasant. Our love is a solid self-care area for me now.

What things can you do that help you to feel good, feel safe, feel loved? Can you share them here with us?

The other step I took when I first arrived here in 2009 was to work through the TOOLS listed to the right. This changed the heart of how I communicate with DD, and everyone else in my life. When I have access to these tools (ie. taking care of myself) my relationship with DD improves. Gradually over the past 4-5 years we are sometimes able to talk about sensitive areas without any raging. She has been able to become more self-reflective which I see as a beginning to awareness of her issues. Then she has become better able to own more of her reactions and behaviors. This improves when she is taking care of herself.

Let us know how we can help and keep sharing our story, frustrations, and successes. These are there, even tiny ones, if we look.

I need to leave for a school meeting with gd. I look forward to staying connected with you. Talk later.

qcr Carol