|
Title: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Herodias on March 28, 2016, 08:25:20 PM Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... .
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: GreenEyedMonster on March 28, 2016, 08:44:28 PM My ex hasn't found a replacement, but my relationship was a carbon copy of the relationship he had before me. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, as my T liked to say . . .
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: paperlung on March 28, 2016, 09:46:40 PM My ex is a low-functioning quiet borderline. She has burned through at least 8 relationships since her relationship with me.
The first one lasted three months but was long distance (they lived in separate countries) for the first two months. She was set to marry the guy so that she could stay in the US with him but he canceled the wedding the day before it was scheduled to happen, hah. Then she moved back to my area but quickly found a new replacement and moved to go live with him. They were together for a year but it was a dysfunctional relationship and she cheated on him (online affair). After that one, she moves back to my area again and starts going in and out of relationships that last only a month or less. She's incapable of having a real, mature give-and-take relationship. What my ex is is a child who can't look after herself and depends on a man to do everything for her. She hasn't changed since I met her. Only thing different now is that she's diagnosed with BPD and is self-aware. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Teereese on March 29, 2016, 05:18:11 AM He will burn through replacements until he finds someone who will feed his need for attachment and reparenting.
Then it will be wash, rinse, repeat of all he has ever known. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: blackbirdsong on March 29, 2016, 05:33:24 AM My ex hasn't found a replacement, but my relationship was a carbon copy of the relationship he had before me. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, as my T liked to say . . . That means that we will also be codependent in our future r/s. :) Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: FannyB on March 29, 2016, 05:37:09 AM Hi BH
Mine hasn't replaced me yet - obviously because I'm such a tough act to follow! :) However, over the course of our two entanglements I was able to glean plenty of information about my predecessors and no-one lasted more than 4 months. She's been stalked by her exes, hated by them and ignored by others i.e. nothing remotely normal there and all reactions associated with a lack of closure. So based on that I expect nothing to change if she should venture into the murky world of online dating once again. The only game changer might be the onset of menopause - and one can only guess as to whether this would make her symptoms better or worse. Fanny Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Pretty Woman on March 29, 2016, 09:09:40 AM I ask myself this question often, however I know four of her exes. She told me she cheated on all of them and I know over a course of ten years she's bounced back and forth between three of them.
She was married once to a man. He tried to kill himself and she left him for it, because that was a "loser move". She told me ALL these horrible things and I stayed. Anyone who thinks it will be BETTER when they tell you all their horrible shyt. Clearly I have some narc tendancies to think I'd be treated better. I think there are a lot of factors. Heck, we are all different. I triggered her like crazy. Who knows. All I know is she is a recycler, had 0 boundaries, 0 empathy, disassociates (has episodes where she has no idea where she is or what she is doing), is irresponsible and dangerous. And that is all I need to know. I doubt she will recover overnight. That doesn't happen. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 29, 2016, 09:20:04 AM Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... . Blue, why does it matter to you what may or may not happen with him? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Herodias on March 29, 2016, 03:28:45 PM C.Stein... .Just curious about the behavior. Since they are so similar... .My understanding is they repeat the patterns. Mine seems to be doing to as well. In response to our behavior, I think if we learn all we can about it- we are capable of changing our future. We have to acknowledge our patterns as well. At least I am very self aware now and I am behaving differently than I ever have. I feel more confident, yet cautious. I really would like a relationship, but have decided the ways I went about it in the past were really wrong, since I never chose the right people. Now I am just waiting for the right thing to happen in the time it is supposed to. I used to be a bit desperate to be with someone... .not anymore. I feel good about that. So, I believe with a true effort, people can change. I think people with PD's would have a more difficult time doing that though.
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: MapleBob on March 29, 2016, 03:47:07 PM I found an old email from my uBPDexgf not too long ago where she literally spelled her pattern out for me: "I want to be with someone strong enough to do the work if sh*t gets tough. I have obviously bailed when things got hard in my past, and I am pretty resolved to try harder next time."
That's her pattern, and I bet she's said that at the beginning of every one of her relationships. Of course, I was "strong enough", and I proved it. Guess her "pretty resolved" didn't hold up over time. I think they want us to make it work, and it's not possible. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: once removed on March 29, 2016, 04:10:07 PM Just curious about the behavior. Since they are so similar... .My understanding is they repeat the patterns. we all repeat patterns, certainly those of us here on this board do and i know i have. if you are watching your ex for signs that hes failing or doing the same thing, it suggests to me youre wondering where you fit in with it all. the relationship with your ex was real, you were there, it all occurred, and you didnt imagine it, and a new relationship will not be exactly the same. no two relationships will be the same, though for anyone, patterns of behavior may repeat. bottom line though, if youre watching his behavior for these signs (which is essentially setting your recovery on whether he succeeds or fails) you might be surprised if things dont go according to what you expect (that was definitely the case for me and my ex and her new relationship). that will only serve to create self doubt. you were there. you dealt with it. whatever he does in another relationship says nothing about you or your resolve. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Fr4nz on March 29, 2016, 07:15:08 PM Does anyone know if they do the same stuff with the next person? I know they mirror people in the beginning, so they act like people different than we knew, but once the "mask" starts to slip, does the behavior go back to how they were? We all have similar stories and they have similar traits... .But I'm wondering if anyone has ever found out what happens next. I'm just not believing they can "change" that much... . My personal experience: some time ago I contacted the ex boyfriend with whom my ex BPD gf spent the longest amount of time in a r/s (3 years); their r/s lasted until 2010, so quite before the start of my r/s with her (mid 2013, until the end of 2014, for a total of 1.5 years). As a consequence, I deemed it was pretty safe to contact him. Indeed, the guy confirmed me ALL the patterns I observed during my r/s, and he agreed with me on the BPD/HPD "diagnosis". He told me he had to cut off my ex gf for "survival" reasons! :O So yes, in my case my ex gf repeated all her dysfunctional behaviours and thoughts with me. I also suspect that things with my replacement are going pretty badly (I have not direct proofs of this, though). As it is stated huge amounts of times in this forum, BPDs do not change if they do not follow a proper therapy. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: SummerStorm on March 29, 2016, 08:23:06 PM All of my BPD friend's relationships go the same way. Attachment right away, posts on Facebook that make it sound like they've known each other for years even though it's only been a few days, her being "rescued" by the guy (he buys her cold medicine when she's sick, lets her stay at his place when her power is shut off, etc.), passive aggressive posts on Facebook about the guy, and then the break up. Recently, it's been the guys who have broken up with her, so some of her cracks might be starting to show.
She's gone through four guys since January. The new one reminds me of me and her one ex, so he might stick around for a while. In terms of mirroring, she definitely has a pattern. She started styling her hair the same way her boyfriend from February did. It was actually kind of weird. Even her mom said something to me about it. This new guy is pretty clean-cut (no tattoos, no piercings, glasses, works at a cafe), so she's been wearing dresses, took him to her dad's house for Easter dinner, goes bowling and plays bingo with him, etc. This is definitely far from what she is like 98% of the time, so I don't know how long she'll be able to keep this up. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 29, 2016, 08:53:58 PM My ex found a guy, posts how he rescued her from deaths door, ummm where have I seen this scenario play out before? Same old story different player.
The key word is "rescue" Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: hopealways on March 29, 2016, 11:55:12 PM Yes the next relationship will be the same as yours, i.e. tumultuous and chaotic push/pull cycles, you name it. Looking back my ex's ex had to go through many of the same things I did.
A relationship with a BPD cannot be sustained, we are kidding ourselves if we think we will be the ones that will change them or that with us it will be different. The reason it cannot be sustained is because they are living a fantasy with us, so our relationship was in fact not real to them, it was a fantasy for them and when the fantasy didn't pan out 9as it never does since fantasies are not based on reality), they get disappointed and rage. You know the rest. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 30, 2016, 12:06:58 AM She actually quoted something on her fb about her new guy, how he was not God, she heard this from me a few dozen times when we fought.
I'm not God, I didn't cause her problems, I couldn't control them and I sure couldn't cure them. Blah! Like me and everyone else, she will have to learn on her own time and at her own expence and ours sons. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Turkish on March 30, 2016, 12:11:55 AM Took my kids, Ex, mom to lunch on Easter. My Ex told me a story about arguing with her H over something rather innocuous regarding him watching the kids the previous week. It came out because S6 told a story.
That evening, we were at the ex-laws' house. H comes in late. My Ex totally ignored him to the point of being rude. Not even an arm touch. When she acknowledged him, she was rude and dismissive. I didn't see the love anymore, but he WOE. It's sad, and sadder still given our children. This was a hot and heavy r/s less than a year ago. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 30, 2016, 12:33:28 AM It is very sad and I'm sorry to hear this, the kids suffer most in my opinion.
My ex couldn't live up to what I seen in her, she is brilliant, so many talents, beautiful, so much potential and yet cursed with this illness. I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love. I still don't know why I feel so bad, I lifted her up so she could kick me down and stomp on my heart. So sad yes this BPD, it destroys them, and those who dare love them. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 30, 2016, 07:28:58 AM I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love. Do you see the problem here? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Herodias on March 30, 2016, 08:11:54 AM I know it wasn't imagined! I'm not crazy,lol I just wonder what part we play in bringing out the behavior. People are people though... .My stbx seems to be making friends on FB with people who have babies... .I suppose to learn how to act with them. I am afraid that one again, FB will fail him, because a baby doesn't make you "happy" as I believe he thinks. I think he expects life to be so wonderful when he has this child... .I think he will be sadly mistaken when he sees that the baby gets all the attention taken away from him. I am sure it will bring him some attention from others, but not what he expects. Babies require allot of money and allot of attention. I hope his Mother warns her not to leave him alone with the child... He is very dangerous is all I can say. He told me if we hadn't miscarried , maybe we things would have been different between us... .what a mean thing to say! Maybe I am wanting to see just how "different" he will be! May is the due date... .this seems to be taking forever! I know things may be a bit different... .he is in a whole different situation than he was with me. For that alone, I know he isn't happy. He is struggling no doubt- Big income drop, big position lost at work and lots of debt (which he would always get into-I just took care of it all-now he has no one who can help him with it). I would think there is allot of pressure there. His pending felony will be dropped in June and then he will be free to "act out" as he always would when in the same situation. As long as he had the courts watching him, he could behave better... .the minute it was dropped, all hell broke loose. There is a pattern and I know it will continue. My friends say I am just not there to try to "help" him any more and I should be grateful. Maybe it's the pedestal they put us on and made us feel so needed... .now we are not needed and someone else is there to help them. I would think we all try to help in the same ways though. I had to involve the police, so he didn't trust me anymore. Her friends are police and a therapist ironically! He has to be very careful. She worked in a detention center for awhile... .it's interesting that she has gotten herself in this mess with him now. A friend of mine thinks she will contact me one day... .you never know. Believe me... .I am angry - angry at myself! I just want to see how long someone else will put up with him. It could go either way... .She could leave because of the baby immediately when there is danger or she could stay longer thinking she needs him. Who knows... .I am not caught up in the drama... .I am just telling you the story. I know I will hear about it eventually. Divorce can't come soon enough!
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 30, 2016, 08:13:05 AM Yes I think I do C.Stein
Beside my self pity and gradious self image of saving someone, I was playing God? Heard someone say in a meeting one time about rescuing others and the motivation behind our choices but can't remember how it was worded. Was I close to what you were thinking C.Stein? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 30, 2016, 08:17:24 AM I know it wasn't imagined! I'm not crazy,lol I just wonder what part we play in bringing out the behavior. People are people though... .My stbx seems to be making friends on FB with people who have babies... .I suppose to learn how to act with them. I am afraid that one again, FB will fail him, because a baby doesn't make you "happy" as I believe he thinks. I think he expects life to be so wonderful when he has this child... .I think he will be sadly mistaken when he sees that the baby gets all the attention taken away from him. I am sure it will bring him some attention from others, but not what he expects. Babies require allot of money and allot of attention. I hope his Mother warns her not to leave him alone with the child... He is very dangerous is all I can say. He told me if we hadn't miscarried , maybe we things would have been different between us... .what a mean thing to say! Maybe I am wanting to see just how "different" he will be! May is the due date... .this seems to be taking forever! I know things may be a bit different... .he is in a whole different situation than he was with me. For that alone, I know he isn't happy. He is struggling no doubt- Big income drop, big position lost at work and lots of debt (which he would always get into-I just took care of it all-now he has no one who can help him with it). I would think there is allot of pressure there. His pending felony will be dropped in June and then he will be free to "act out" as he always would when in the same situation. As long as he had the courts watching him, he could behave better... .the minute it was dropped, all hell broke loose. There is a pattern and I know it will continue. My friends say I am just not there to try to "control" it any more and I should be grateful. Maybe it's the pedestal they put us on and made us feel so needed... .now we are not needed and someone else is there to help them. I would think we all try to help in the same ways though. I had to involve the police, so he didn't trust me anymore. Her friends are police and a therapist ironically! He has to be very careful. She worked in a detention center for awhile... .it's interesting that she has gotten herself in this mess with him now. A friend of mine thinks she will contact me one day... .you never know. Believe me... .I am angry - Angry at myself! I just want to see how long someone else will put up with him. It could go either way... .She could leave because of the baby immediately when there is danger or she could stay longer thinking she needs him. Who knows... .I am not caught up in the drama... .I am just telling you the story. I know I will hear about it eventually. Divorce can't come soon enough! Certainly I can understand the anger, I am still angry myself. How does all this speculation help you detach and heal? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 30, 2016, 08:18:39 AM Yes I think I do C.Stein Beside my self pity and gradious self image of saving someone, I was playing God? Heard someone say in a meeting one time about rescuing others and the motivation behind our choices but can't remember how it was worded. Was I close to what you were thinking C.Stein? In part. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 30, 2016, 02:28:22 PM Thank you C. Stein
I'm willing to listen, not so willing to change. My sponsor gets very upset with my stubbornness, just one of my character defects. Working on improving but takes time, my son needs a good dad. But even that isn't a sufficient motivator for me, this has to be my recovery because when I fail, my loved ones are affected as well. I obviously don't like focusing on me yet I'm the center of the universe. This whole selfish codependency thing is confusing to say the least. Change is possible only for those willing to do the hard work. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: bunny4523 on March 30, 2016, 04:09:36 PM All I know is I used to hear these stories about what his ex would do and say and I thought she was one messed up individual until I started hearing him say those things about me. Then I knew it was bad, very bad. scary
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Herodias on March 30, 2016, 04:13:38 PM "Certainly I can understand the anger, I am still angry myself. How does all this speculation help you detach and heal? "
It doesn't. I just am miserable today and want to think he will be too. Like an idiot I posted something on a forum of anti social persons. Questioning their thoughts on a matter... .you know what one said ? The F word! He swore at me... .that just triggered all kinds of crap for me. I am a glutton for punishment today I guess. I deactivated myself from that website and told them to please take down my question. Maybe that was a big reminder to me of what I was in before. I just don't know what I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself today? I am utterly miserable and haven't been. I think it's getting closer to him having this baby and I am feeling awful about the whole situation. I feel safer here with other people like me... .I wish I knew for sure what my husband personality was... He was diagnosed with a PD, just not which one. He seems to have bits of all 3 BPD,NPD and ASD... .I have to stay away from those people. I am too sensitive. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Turkish on March 30, 2016, 04:14:34 PM Yes I think I do C.Stein Beside my self pity and gradious self image of saving someone, I was playing God? Heard someone say in a meeting one time about rescuing others and the motivation behind our choices but can't remember how it was worded. Was I close to what you were thinking C.Stein? A member here once said something like, "you can't fix your issues with one person with a completely different person. It's impossible." Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Herodias on March 30, 2016, 04:21:09 PM bunny, did you think you acted that way? Mine would lie all the time. All the time! He told people I cheated on him... .because that was what he was doing to me. I don;t believe a word he says now. Not a word. It's the boy who cried wolf basically. His Mother feels the same. He said I was too controlling- well, maybe trying to tell someone not to do all the bad stuff they were doing was controlling. I guess I should have just left. That's what I am mad about. Mad I got myself into this mess in the first place.
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: troisette on March 30, 2016, 06:28:53 PM Hi Blue, it might be worth your while doing some emotional preparation for after the baby is born.
A new born brings HUGE changes in a relationship. Lack of sleep, sometimes jealousy of the attention a new baby requires. It can be difficult in a healthy relationship with a mature adult. I can't imagine what it might bring in a relationship involving BPD once the gloss has worn off. You might see behavioural changes in him. Just saying. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Herodias on March 30, 2016, 07:22:07 PM troisette, do you have experience with this? I know what you mean... .that's why I do not know how he is going to handle it at all.
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: Pretty Woman on March 30, 2016, 08:07:42 PM Blue,
Try not to worry about how he is going to handle it. Take care of you. One of the posters posed a great question, how are you preparing for when the child is here? This is a lot to go alone. You have been so brave in sharing with us. I can tell you you are lucky you never had children with this man... .but your heart wanted that and it couldn't/didn't happen. Now is the perfect time to get things in order. If you have someone to talk to (a therapist) really delve into the baby situation and work through that. I know it won't be easy and darlin you didn't deserve any of this... . But work on you. That is the ONLY thing you have control over. In a earlier post I read you wrote something along the lines of "he's happy and building a family". Didn't this fool try to get back with you KNOWING his gf was pregnant with his child? He is NOT happy. He is broken and you cannot fix this. No mere mortal man or woman can fix this. This is an emotional disorder. It happened in childhood. It's who HE is. No medication can repair this only years, and years and years of DBT therapy and even then... .huge maybe. I hope I am not sounding condescending. I am a year out and I thought about her a lot today. I have not heard one word since she told me she was madly in love with my replacement. Not one word. It hurts because we loved and were discarded like we never mattered. That reopened our own wounds of abandonment and dismissal. Every day I hope she shows up on my doorstep. And every day I know I can not go through this again. A friend told me the other day this is the strongest she's seen me in three years. I almost lost my career because of this person. I almost got sued by her psycho sister who I work with... .because of this person. My life is better off but I feel empty and I suspect everyone here feels a little like that. In my opinion as soon as you can go no contact the better. I know you are still finalizing your divorce but the less you deal with them the more you are able to face how you ended up in this and work your way out of the pain and hopefully into a better relationship... . Not just with someone new but also a better relationship with yourself. PW Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: troisette on March 31, 2016, 02:29:42 AM Hi Blue - my experience is as a mother in a sound relationship and friends and family also. Not anyone in a BPD relationship. The first few months after birth are exhausting due to lack of sleep. And a mother has to make her new born's needs her priority.
I mention it because you might see changes and if that's the case, good to be prepared. Your obligation is to yourself, not him. I've read your story as it has unfolded over several months and you've been through very difficult times. One after another. I understand that it's so hard but put yourself first, look after yourself and try not to get involved in any post-natal dramas that are not of your making and not for you to attempt to resolve. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 08:26:50 AM I'm willing to listen, not so willing to change. My sponsor gets very upset with my stubbornness, just one of my character defects. Working on improving but takes time, my son needs a good dad. But even that isn't a sufficient motivator for me, this has to be my recovery because when I fail, my loved ones are affected as well. I obviously don't like focusing on me yet I'm the center of the universe. This whole selfish codependency thing is confusing to say the least. Change is possible only for those willing to do the hard work. If I may bring your attention to the other part of that post. I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love. Taking the whole quote into consideration, what does the bold part tell you? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 08:29:49 AM "Certainly I can understand the anger, I am still angry myself. How does all this speculation help you detach and heal? " It doesn't. I just am miserable today and want to think he will be too. Like an idiot I posted something on a forum of anti social persons. Questioning their thoughts on a matter... .you know what one said ? The F word! He swore at me... .that just triggered all kinds of crap for me. I am a glutton for punishment today I guess. I deactivated myself from that website and told them to please take down my question. Maybe that was a big reminder to me of what I was in before. I just don't know what I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself today? I am utterly miserable and haven't been. I think it's getting closer to him having this baby and I am feeling awful about the whole situation. I feel safer here with other people like me... .I wish I knew for sure what my husband personality was... He was diagnosed with a PD, just not which one. He seems to have bits of all 3 BPD,NPD and ASD... .I have to stay away from those people. I am too sensitive. Blue, I think it was good you removed yourself from that forum. Also I might suggest you focus less on labeling him and more on seeing the unacceptable behavior that he exhibited in your relationship and why the divorce is the right path for you to take. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 31, 2016, 09:46:18 AM Hi C.Stein,
If you're referring to the fact she didn't love me? She told me she didn't love herself so she had nothing to give anyone else. I can believe this statement and from what I experienced she probably felt less than love for herself. Looking back at her history she burned so many bridges and people. Her family was always upset with her. My ex insisted on always being the center of attention and that drove people away. Childish? Her ex husband would attend family gatherings and my exBPDgf would stay home because her family liked her husband. Guess he couldn't win in this situstion, so she pushed her husband away. Hmm crazy stuff. Can pwBPD love others? I didn't feel much from my exgf, more of the mechanical nature, functioning love. Oh well, I will find someone that can love, after I recover from this r/s and my Codependency issues. Thanks C.Stein I had my chemo, it hit me hard. My exgf seeks an excuse to be sick and fakes having cancer. Maybe she's mirroring mine? Crazy all around lol Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 09:52:44 AM If you're referring to the fact she didn't love me? Dig deeper. :) Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 31, 2016, 10:08:37 AM Lol, thanks C.Stein
I'm digging, at the moment I'm clueless. Any clues? Lol Thinking I never really loved her? I guess putting myself in danger and allowing her to abuse me is NOT loving myself? That is so obvious it kinda hides even though it's hitting me over my head. EUREKA DEAR WATSON, I'VE FIGURED IT OUT! LOL Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 10:12:26 AM Lol, thanks C.Stein I'm digging, at the moment I'm clueless. Any clues? Lol Here is your shovel. Possession and expectations. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 31, 2016, 10:16:03 AM Oh I don't like those shovels lol, I cannot avoid the truth and expect to get well.
I tried to own her? I didn't accept her for who she was? I wanted her to be happy and she wasn't so I tried to change her? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 10:22:05 AM Oh I don't like those shovels lol, I cannot avoid the truth and expect to get well. I tried to own her? I didn't accept her for who she was? I wanted her to be happy and she wasn't so I tried to change her? You are getting warmer Jerry. |iiii Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 31, 2016, 10:26:19 AM I'm playing God? I'm codependent? I'm selfish? I'm a jerk? I'm narcissistic? I'm BPD? I'm not sure
Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 10:29:37 AM I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love. Ok, I'll do some digging here. What I see here is you listing all these things you did for/gave to her, with the expectation that she give you her love ... .to possess. :)oes that help? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 31, 2016, 11:04:11 AM It does C.Stein, if I knew the truth I wouldn't be banging my head on these forum walls. I honestly don't know what I did or doing wrong. I know I was possessive and I think after all I gave her she would love me. I just never got anything other than disrespect and hatred and accusation which was confusing. I certainly know I gave her hell and verbally abused her.
She was misrable and nothing I could do to change that. I couldn't function with her around demanding all my time and energy. I did for a while then break down to regenerate. I guess we both neither respected each other or loved each other. I need to learn to get myself well. Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: C.Stein on March 31, 2016, 11:14:27 AM I guess we both neither respected each other or loved each other. I need to learn to get myself well. The first step towards positive personal growth is recognizing where change is needed. You have a good start here. :) Perhaps you might want to open a thread in personal inventory to explore this? Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: JerryRG on March 31, 2016, 11:18:36 AM Thank you C. Stein I will keep working on myself. I have been working hard just want to get better for my son, I think I'm so damaged I can't be a good father to him. I don't want to mess him up, he's with his mother and I'm getting all kinds of hell to get custody of him before she damages him.
This really sucks for our son. And my DAMN stubbornness is killing us all. The door is open if I would just walk through Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: bunny4523 on March 31, 2016, 11:19:12 AM How about what happens to us in our next relationship?
We are always so focused on them... .what they are doing now, how they are feeling, why they did what they did. What about how are we going to move on, fall in love with someone healthy and have the relationship we desire? :) Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: WoundedBibi on March 31, 2016, 11:28:41 AM How about what happens to us in our next relationship? We are always so focused on them... .what they are doing now, how they are feeling, why they did what they did. What about how are we going to move on, fall in love with someone healthy and have the relationship we desire? :) Good point |iiii I think I said it in the 'tough love' thread. We need to stop looking for someone that needs us. And we want to be needed to feel better about ourselves. So if we feel better about ourselves we would be able to find an emotional adult instead of an emotional child in an adult's body. Relationships should be about being equals not about a parent-child dynamic or a saviour-victim dynamic. We need to become emotional adults ourselves and we will find other emotional adults. Now... .how to feel better about ourselves and become emotional adults... .that part I'm still struggling with *) Title: Re: What happens in the next relationship? Post by: bunny4523 on March 31, 2016, 11:38:03 AM bunny, did you think you acted that way? Mine would lie all the time. All the time! He told people I cheated on him... .because that was what he was doing to me. I don;t believe a word he says now. Not a word. It's the boy who cried wolf basically. His Mother feels the same. He said I was too controlling- well, maybe trying to tell someone not to do all the bad stuff they were doing was controlling. I guess I should have just left. That's what I am mad about. Mad I got myself into this mess in the first place. Hi Herodias, No I wasn't doing the things he accussed me of. Not even the minor ones. A couple extreme examples were that he accussed me of having an inappropriate relationship with my son. The other was after we decided to split, changing the locks on me when my stuff was still in the house because he didn't know who I gave the key to and he feared his safety at night while he was sleeping. Huh, wait, what? Absolutely not who I am. The thought that after knowing me and working side by side with me for 7 years that he could even go there. Hard to not take that personal. |