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This was the first Easter in 5 years I had my son. Only for taking her to court last December I would of had nothing, maybe a few hours with her standing over us like I was a child predator. My son is nine and he missed so much of his life with my family and I. She is completely totally one hundred percent unreasonable to deal with, I am a nothing in her eyes. I was a good husband although I was told I was a terrible husband, selfish, crazy, treated her the worse she was ever treated and the list of how horrible I was to her goes on. I can also say I'm a good father to my son. The more dependable and reliable I am the worse she is. She belittled me as a husband and belittles me as a father. She lies remorselessly on her court affidavits ( I've had to take her to court 5 times) the harder I push, the worse her lies get. It seems so strange to be a solid father and painted as a totally incompetent father by my ex wife.

My sons Easter access was from Saturday 5:00pm, drop him at school on Tuesday morning. On Easter Sunday he was very sick all day, I cancelled all our family plans and took care of my son like any parent would do. On Easter Monday he came right around, we stayed lo key for the day to build up his energy, he ate 3 good solid meals, drank lots of water was in bed early, woke up and had a good healthy breakfast and I took him to school. I had to stop him at his mothers first, when I continued on to his school he seemed off but he said he was ok.

Than came the text from herself, telling me he wasn't fit for school, wasn't eating right, he should of been returned home on Easter Sunday, said I denied my sons wishes to be returned home, said he told her he was still vomiting on Monday. A whole litany lies and everything I did wrong. She didn't even call or text on Easter Monday to inquire as to how he was feeling, I got him to call his mother before he went to bed on Monday evening she didn't answer or return the call or text. She is a manipulating expert and I'm sure my son lied to her or she is a expert at putting a totally backward twist on what was said or actually said. It kills her when i look after our son she has to belittle everything I do. I've known her for 12 years and when I say she never said one single kind word to me ever I mean ever.

My son is fearful if he forgets to call his mother and tells me she will badger him to no end as to why he didn't call her and when he calls her he starts apologizing right away " I'm very sorry mommy I forgot to call, I'm sorry. She got rude with him a couple of weeks ago on the phone and had him crying, she really hurt his feelings. She accuses me of not letting him call, accuses me of doing the things she does. I don't hear from my son between access visits, he won't tell me why he doesn't call or makes up a story, reading, in the tub or what ever. He doesn't get my texts or get told I called for him, I had to stop calling and texting bc I realized I was feeding her, she would read my good night I love you and miss you texts for my son, not give him the text and get fat off of my pain of missing my son. I don't ask my son to call or ask him why he doesn't call anymore bc I see what his mother puts him through and he realizes I'm ok with him not calling.

We are finely getting established as father and son again and again she is trying to destroy it. I've always been there for my son but I let her control and manipulate with the hope of restoring our family but knowing what I know now about PD's it was never going to happen, she cruely and heartlessly dangled family and sex in front of me and I figured if I could prove my self she would come around, when I started bucking the system and was no longer a source she dropped me like a hot potato and had someone in the blink of an eye. Yes I was crushed.

I'm glad that you got to spend Easter with your son. That's a great milestone  :)

You also sound like you are confident in your abilities as a father to take care of your sick child.  Unfortunately, BPD anxiety rears its head. 

You know how to take care of him and use whatever medications are proper given his age and the situation. Unless it's in a court order, of course there's no reason whatsover to return him. That she is lying, or triangulating him into her created conflict isn't good. Document this, if you haven't already.

As painful as it is to see your son hurt, it sounds like your r/s with him is good, no?

You handled the Easter illness perfectly. You're a good dad. 

My DH could have written this same thing a few years ago. It took us a long while but we got 50/50. Our reliability shines through, and uBPDbm is still blaming, manipulating, causing conflict... . 

It sounds too like your only hope to be an involved Father is to seek improved orders in court.  Even lousy court orders would be better than the crumbs shje would allow you (only to be ripped away later).  Of course, you don't want a lousy court order, so try for the best possible outcome.  Usually we advise for you to ask for more than you think you'll get.  Maybe a good truism for us is:  Seek and you might receive.  Don't seek and you know court won't go out of its way to help you and Ex will surely sabotage you.

Are you seeking standard alternate weekends and an overnight or two in between?  Then start by seeking equal time.  You may not get it all but then court may lower it one notch and declare you alternate weekend dad since courts often default to that for fathers anyway.  You need to ask for extra since you know she's fight any increase and court may choose something a little less.

Are you seeking equal time or better?  Then seek majority time as Primary Parent and make as good a case as you can that she is obstructing your parenting and her own parenting is concerning.  You need to ask for extra since you know she's fight any increase and court may choose something a little less.  You may not get it all but at the least it will establish that you are seeking to be very involved in parenting your child.  You can use that as a springboard for future court strategies.

One thing courts are good with is handling holiday time and vacation time.  Most courts have standard schedules for holidays alternating between parents and then those schedules alternating each year.  So you would get each holiday and each birthday once every other year, same as your Ex.  And vacation time would be most surely Your Time.  In my court they allow 3 weeks per year with proper advance notice and with a maximum of 2 weeks for any one vacation.

Also, don't forget that if you end up as alternate weekend parent then you can ask the court for you to have additional time during the summer breaks from school.  You may not get it but it can't hurt to ask.

Vacations and holidays are the times your Ex can't obstruct without exposing herself to risks of court consequences (Contempt of Court).

What she just did, trying to say she can parent better than you when your child is ill is her attempt to imply that you can't parent well.  Never let it happen that if he's ill then mother takes over, nothing good comes of that.

My relationship with my son is good. He is happy at my house and we play a lot. His mother hates my family so his relationship with them is now, slowly starting to grow. My son has been alienated from my family. Every time my r/s with my son starts to bud, I let her manipulate the court order in her favour and than that's it she never budges an inch to make up the lost time. She is so black hearted and deceitful, will do what she must to achieve her goal, I feel she made my son sick with nerves and he was sick in bed all day Easter Sunday and rebounded like a new man on Easter Monday. everytime our r/s gets stronger she starts with her finely crafted manipulation. I have strong days but wnen I get a ruthless cold text like I did on Tuesday I get into a very deep depression. I stopped focusing on her and channeled that energy into my son and I. But I still slip into that empty dark depression. My hardest battle sometimes is hiding the horrible empty feeling in side of me so my son doesn't see my hurt. It takes all I have in me when the feelings hit to stay up beat and positive for my son.

I recall my lawyer assuring me, "Court likes counseling, counseling is good."  Ponder finding a counselor and touching base whenever you feel too down.  A counselor is support, just as family can be support, just as a lawyer can be support, just as we here can be your peer support.

This does not mean there is something wrong with you.  To the contrary, if it weren't for the conflict and pressure from your Ex, you'd be just fine.  What this perspective reveals is that your down time is only "situational".  It's not who you are, it's not some internal issue, it is only when you've been emotionally sabotaged and crushed.  What I'm saying is that she can't use having a counselor against you.  You have a need to protect yourself from Ex's actions and claims and therefore a counselor can help.

Now about your Ex... .She really, really needs help.  She needs intensive therapy, though she's unlikely to ever take that path.

Disclaimer:  I generally refer to help for us as Counseling and help for the disordered misbehaving people as Therapy.  Maybe there's not much of a difference between the two words but that's how I've concluded is the best word choice for me.

busboy -- I want to echo ForeverDad's thoughts about counselling. My husband went through some challenging times during the separation and divorce that left him deflated. He says he remembers realizing that he wasn't going to see his sons everyday and how incredibly hard that was.

He found a counsellor he liked (not the first he met!)

(Sorry -- hit the save button too early!)

busboy -- I want to echo ForeverDad's thoughts about counselling. My husband went through some challenging times during the separation and divorce that left him deflated. He says he remembers realizing that he wasn't going to see his sons everyday and how incredibly hard that was.

He found a counsellor he liked (not the first he met!) and attended a Rebuilding course for people going through divorce. He said it helped a lot.

Kids are pretty perceptive. Even though you're trying your best to be positive for your son, he will notice the difference once you have been to counselling and are in a better place.

My husband (and others on this site) love the analogy of what they tell you on an airplane -- put your oxygen mask on first before helping your child. Getting some help for yourself will be the best thing you can do for yourself.