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Can't sleep. On the edge of madness. Being threatened by someone who was supposed to be a friend. Now she is telling me that she has been abused and is going to the police. She makes things up. pretends to be other people to pose messages to my work

Hi garold01.

*welcome*

Welcome to BPD Family. I'm glad you've found us.

You sound at your wits end.

Would you like to tell us some more about your situation?

Love Lifewriter

That is accuser/Controller Class 101.  Projection.  Transference.  Blaming.  Blame-Shifting.

First, never ever touch her, not even to get past her.  With people like that, they'll use any physical contact to claim being hit, punched, slammed against a wall, tripped down steps, thrown down the elevator shaft, etc.

Second, do not initiate any contact with her.  If you don't seek her out then you're less likely to have confrontation or be viewed as an aggressor.

Third, if she contacts you, politely but promptly end the contact.  Continuing to talk could encourage her to keep contacting you.  Getting any sort of reaction from you is probably her goal and is called "negative engagement".

Fourth, do not communicate with her without a willing witness that you're not the one behaving poorly.  If no one is around, then find a way to record during the encounter.  There are so many devices that record these days that you probably won't get in trouble for recording.  However, never ever wave a device in her face or make a fuss about it, do it quietly and without fanfare, you don't want to appear to be taunting her.  If she notices you recording and she objects, then simply invite her to leave.  Or you leave.

Fifth, if you encounter her somewhere, she is likely to cause a scene and if she was there first then leave.  If it's a supermarket, you can always find another one.  If it's a fuel station, you can always find another one.  If it's your work, then determine how best to enter and exit without her interference.  Same for your residence, ask the police how best to not to disturb you at or near your home.

In summary, there's only so much you can do to 'stop' her actions.  The rest is up to you and your thoughtful responses... .stay calm, never say or do anything that could be twisted into an allegation, exit promptly, record yourself so you can prove you're not the one behaving badly.  People like her know how to catch us off guard and unprepared, so be prepared and be very familiar with how you would handle a variety of scenarios.

If this is likely to become a police or court matter with you being charged as an abuser or she trying to get "protection" from you, then you need local legal advice.  We're peer support.  We've "been there, done that".  We have an immense sum of collective wisdom... .but you may need to get ahead of her and at least get a legal consultation.  Think of it like insurance, accuser insurance.

Another item to keep in mind... .Unless you are her very first, she is likely to have a long history of doing this to others.  There's probably a police or court paper trail of her making allegations against others or others seeking protection from her.  Such documentation may help you avoid becoming another of her victims.

I think we have all been here. My stbxw called the police on me when I hadn't touched her.  The beauty was they threw her out of the house. They can't be wrong so they can't be the abuser.  I agree with the other post you need to keep your distance.  If you haven't watched any of the shrink for men videos on YouTube you should.  Many of them act like this and it is something you will need to manage to mitigate your risk.  As for the current threats I think it is going to be a hard sell with the police as she did not report it immediately. The fact that she needs to act like other people to try and get you in trouble means she knows she doesn't have a case.  It is also abuse and you should not fear her but prevent her from getting the upper hand.  Good luck and let me know if you need to talk. I am being smeared right now and can empathize with your situation. Private message me if you would like.

Remaining calm, objective, proactive and level headed is always good advice. 

I don't see Shrink for men as promoting any of the above as it promotes victim mentality which is counterproductive.

lbj

garold01,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Did something happen to trigger an escalation in her behavior?

Has she followed through on any of the threats? Let's hope she is simply saber rattling for now and meanwhile we can help you think through some of the problem-solving measures other members have used to successfully protect themselves.

We want you to get some sleep.  :)

Let us know how you're doing. In times of stress, it can be difficult to get centered and calm our nervous system, and make good use of our rational mind. There are many things you can do to protect yourself and bring yourself back from the edge. We will walk alongside you and share what has worked.

LnL

Highly recommend you look into getting several small digital audio recorders that you can keep on your person at all times when around her.  The goal is not to "catch" her but rather to protect yourself in the event police are called.

By the time I was halfway through my 2 year divorce I had 3 voice recorders.  Too many times one had a dead battery or another was full, etc.

Although I never waved a device in her face, she knew I had recorded in the past and she didn't care.  Eventually after several years her rants and rages caught up with her.  But meanwhile I was protecting myself.  If she raged while I was recording myself, well... .

Thanks all for brilliant advice. I've laid low and rejected all contact. I knew the woman was ill so I sympathised. She is a brilliant person but the 6 hoax calls registering me in hair loss cosmetic surgery and penis enlargement web sites was the last straw. I lost work due to constant interference. The problem in the uk is it doesn't matter if it was years ago a woman can say anything and even without evidence is beloved. Hence several high profile Radio presenters ending up in court even 30 years after alleged abuse. It's impossible to be proved innocent as there is no due process in this country anymore. Bpd people run the government for Christ sake. I'll let you know how it goes.

"constant threats and intimidation. Then telling me i'm the abuser"

it´s like you are describing  my life... .

I was my exBPSs first. . . . so her "game" is just beginning. . i guess

To illustrate using a ridiculous example... .  Imagine your Ex called you a Giant Space Octopus.  Would you feel intimidated or pressured?  Of course not!  You know that's not only not true but it's really, really not true and anyone can see that.

But when our ex-spouses or ex-relationships call us abusers, controllers, etc, well that hits us deeply, personally, and we worry that others, if not believe it, may look at us sideways.  And we are so hurt that they could morph from lovers to enemies, so hard to wrap our heads around that reality.

Too bad our ex's don't call us Giant Space Octopuses, our ordeal would be so different.

The don't really get better with time. It is the cards we were dealt. My ex still goes around calling me an abuser. One thing I had a hard time accepting is that some people believe her.  I eventually reached a point that I don't care so much anymore. That took a long time though. I agree with those that say you need to protect yourself. That is by far the most important thing right now IMO.

I know. Hang in there fella. It's hard. That's why I'm online at one in the morning before work st 6. Bpd family s big help. Good to know there are others who are in the same position. Well not good... .But you get what I mean.

Ya being called abusive by her was something that wounded me quite deeply.  Even with family and friends around to help me cope and validate that in fact she has been abusive for years didnt really help that much. I was lost with the idea that she felt this about me, but its all really nonsensical and eventually I had to let this go along with all of her other maddening thoughts and behaviors.  I had to be mindful and realize that letting her go lets go of some good things and many, many more bad things, things that were simply unhealthy to me and my kids.