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I began reading about BPD a few years ago after some stressful life events and recognized so much about my mother. One of the things I recognized was the idea of "dissociation". She often seems to go in a trance-like state, just "staring off into space". But it doesn't seem to be triggered by anything in particular (that I'm aware of). It can be hard to snap her out of this.

For example on the weekend we were looking at videos of my niece. My partner pulled one up and said "grandma, look!". No response as she just keeps staring ahead, right beside us on the couch. I said, "mom!" My partner again said "grandma!" "Mom! Grandma! Mom! Grandma!" as she just keeps looking zoned out and unresponsive. Really she looks like she's thinking about something, but how can she not at least hear the exasperation in our voices, even if she doesn't realize we're trying to talk to her? She knew we were pulling up videos of her granddaughter beforehand. In a few moments she did snap out of it but I've never seen anyone else do this.

I remember this happening so much when I was a child. If we asked her "mom, why didn't you answer me?" she would irritatedly say "I was just staring into space!" like it was the most normal thing in the world (she felt criticized I imagine). Reading about dissociation it seems like it's something triggered by traumatic events or memories. I should ask her next time "what were you thinking about just now?"

Anyone who's familiar with dissociation, do you think this is what is happening or is this something else?

I have cPTSD and at time dissociate. (In different ways)

Yes!  I completely have done that!  In my 20's, it happened quite often (maybe 1-2 x day) and was almost exactly as you describe, except after maybe slightly easier to get my attention.

It feels like drifting off to a daydream, while really tuning out my surroundings. 

Has she always done this?

We have a discussion here:

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0)

@sunfl0wer, the strangest thing about it is the amount of effort required to get her attention. I mean, we all daydream or zone out at times, but it can be really frustrating trying to snap her back.

@Turkish, as long as I can remember, since I was very little she's done this. Thanks for the link, I will check out that discussion!

For me, it feels kind of like I'm "zooming", "zoning", or on auto-pilot.  I will have extreme tunnel vision and will have no emotion in my voice.  It's kind of like I'm numb.  It happens when I'm under extreme stress. 

How old is your mother?  Does she exhibit any other BPD symptoms/traits?

Oh yes, she has many BPD traits   I'm fairly certain she has it or possibly c-ptsd. She's 68 now and her symptoms are FAR less pronounced than they used to be. I chalk that up to her being under a lot of stress when we were children (seemed she could barely cope with raising children).

Reading the thread Turkish linked to, I do recognize some aspects of dissociation in myself that others were mentioning. One person was talking about forgetting why she had been hurt/upset by other people, which I ALWAYS do. Days after a fight with my boyfriend I will forget things he said and only remember how I felt but not what he said that made me feel that way. I have to make an effort to replay his words in my mind so that I won't forget (not to dwell on it, just so that I even KNOW what I was upset about!). I didn't know this was a form of dissociation. Also many many years of my childhood are missing from memory, and I know it is because there were a lot of things I didn't want to remember so I threw it all out. I'd heard this was due to childhood trauma but didn't know it was a form of dissociation.

Now I think I've seen her dissociate when doing other things... .it's like she becomes singularly focused on a particular task, as if it's all she can cope with. Someone in the thread mentioned this happening when there's a lot of stimulus around. One time picking her up from a busy ferry terminal, she failed to realize our car was directly in front of her. She was looking left, right, but not in front. We were honking our horn and yelling her name but she failed to realize we were even there. I had to get out and walk over to her (maybe 20 feet). I don't think this is normal! I realize now she may have been dissociating because there was so much going on around her.

Hi cleotokos, I've read your subject several times trying to think of something helpful to say.

I know my dad talks about liking to zone out. It sounds like your mom is aware that she is "zoning out". However disassociation is a symptom that only a psychiatrist or psychologist or psychotherapist can diagnose. Perhaps rather than trying to figure out what it is, it might be more helpful to talk about how it is affecting you.

What do you think?

Hi unicorn, I think for me it helps me to be compassionate if I can name something and understand it. I get what you're getting at - it can be quite frustrating but I'm used to it with her. My boyfriend on the other hand has never seen anything like it and thought she was purposely ignoring us at the ferry (why, I don't know... .just for kicks?). I knew she wasn't but didn't have the words to explain it to him. He was quite irritated with her about the video too and I know it FEELS like she doesn't care or isn't interested. But I really think she doesn't have control or doesn't realize when it's happening, and also has no clue that it doesn't happen to most other people... .that it's not "normal" and that people would be irritated or hurt by it.

Hi cleotokos, would your boyfriend be open to being educated about BPD? Perhaps show him this website or give him a book?