BPDFamily.com

I'm assuming their abandonment fears kick in. Do they rage?

I was discarded 4 weeks ago. Not sure if I'llbe recycled or not. Do they act as if nothing happened when they come back?

I joined Match earlier in the week. My ex's profile popped up and I blocked her. I also blocked her on LinkedIn, but I couldn't go through with it and unblocked her.

I know it's hard! My ex broke my heart into a million and one pieces! From 14 yo ti when she found me on FB 26 years later. Patiently waited for me for 2 1/2 years while friends in Facebook until I took her bait and she pulled the exact same $hit on me she did 28 years earlier. Why would you really want someone back into your life that treats you like crap ? I k ow it hurts! I k ow been there done that. But if you let her back in she will just take you down the same path she did before. Of course it's gonna be the same ride like last time maybe this time it will be a shorter romance or a little longer then the last but still the same hellish ride you were on before. You deserve better then that ! You deserve better then her! In time it does get better! Trust me! Have respect for you! Love yourself! Block her go strict NC. And never look back. You will get over her! Good luck!

I love your profile pic. I'm a big Garfield guy.

Why would I want to go back? Because I still love her.

I deserve better... .do I? The love from the women in my own nuclear family is inconsistent at best. How can I expect any other woman to treat me in the way that I "deserve?" Also, I've tried better. I've been broken hearted way more times than not. It's baseline for me.

Because you deserve better. I loved and still do love my ex. But I know now how mentally sick she is and will Never Ever get better because these people don't think they are sick to want therapy. To think I could ever have a loving relationship with my ex is just fooling myself. No one and I mean no one deserves to be treated the way these border lines treaty their partners.  You have to work on your self esteem. I wish you luck!

Now that is an interesting question... .What if they can't reach you... Probably depends on the pwBPD I guess. I mean they still are all different people; it isn't as if they all got out of the same mold...

And depends on what you mean with can't reach. Can't reach as in "does not pick up the phone" or can't reach as in you've blocked all options and have moved?

Maybe they just move on to the next available person. Maybe they try to think of other ways to get a hold if you.

Is that why you kept LinkedIn open? So she can reach you and you can be recycled?

Remember, a recycle is usually shorter than the original relationship, and the bad behavior is repeated too but the high is never as high as the first time around. So a shorter less fun more bad stuff version of what it was the 1st time round. And you will feel even worse after a recycle.

Thanks, Garfield.

I just couldn't do it. It's still fresh. I' feeling very conflicted. I know I NEED to eliminate her ability to cyberstalk and communicate with me. However, I still care about her. I know it's sick and hopeless, but I would like to try to reconcile. I'm just not ready to let go.

When I said, "can't reach" I meant the inability to communicate with you directly. Do they try to do it by proxy through other people? Do they give up? Do they rage? Do they drive to your house? I guess it depends on the person... .

My person also has a book I let her borrow, a caricature I made of her (I'm an amateur artist), and a photo album I made of the time we spent together. It makes me wonder if the "out of site/out of mind" thing does not entirely work in my situation.

She told me not to contact her again. I'm also curious how somebody would re-engage after a statement like that. In the past after weeks of ST she would typically just pop up out of nowhere as if nothing ever happened.

it sounds like youre taking certain descriptions and stories very literally.

lets start here:


why do you assume you need to eliminate her ability to do this?

Because she's abused me and she's an emotional train wreck.

As we nons are individuals sweet tooth, so are our exs. Although they have BPD, their reactions have some commonalities but they also have their individual responses too.

And there are different forms of BPD too, classic outward reacting and quiet, inward reacting. Their responses differ.

So as we wouldn't generalise about ourselves, we can't generalise about them.

Some may react by attempting recycles, some may move on to a replacement, some may act out, some may act in.

Apologies if I'm wrong - it sounds as if you are hoping for a recycle attempt. And if you are bereft this is perfectly normal. It takes a lot of strength to resist. It's worthwhile reading and finding out about BPD, at the same time not wholly concentrating on them but on yourself. Discovering why you were vulnerable. This enables you to move on and not long for contact.

I sympathise. It's hard. We've all  been through it and are at varying stages of recovery. I'm not there yet but six months down the line I'm feeling better.  

Hello

I ask myself the same question. I am trying to go NC with my ex (we broke up 6 weeks ago or so) and it is not that easy because he is pushing, and pushing and pushing

I DO NOT want to recycle but i am wondering how he will react when he will see there is absolutely no hope of recycling.

Yes, I want a recycle. Why? Because I'm pathetic. I was continually given mixed messages, ST, etc, and I long for it. Probably because that's all I know. I have no healthy baseline.

Don't you think that maybe it is time for you to construct a new healthy baseline?

Most of us here don't know a healthy baseline; otherwise we wouldn't have ended up in these relationships.

Everybody here longs or has longed for a recycle at some point because they remember the good times and want those back. And then the ones further down the recovery road remind the 'longers' that you can't cut away the BPD, that there will always be really bad times, that each recycle is shorter and more painful.

But you seem not to long for the good times but the bad ones. You seem to want the pain, the mixed messages, the ST. Sounds to me like you're addicted to the drama.

Is that really how you want to spend the next 55 years of your life? Unhappy and in pain? Being abused and every now and again being thrown a bone in the shape of a nice moment?

That's been my existence, bro. I don't know anything else. People in my own family "abuse me and every now and again throw me a bone." The majority of my life I've been unhappy and in pain.

How? How do you just flip a switch and completely change your core?

By first realizing that you can't just flip a switch.  Start by defining what your healthy boundaries are.

The fact that you were and are unhappy is one thing. Actually saying you want to remain unhappy for the next 55 years is something else.

I don't want to remain unhappy, but abuse is allI know.

You are the only person who can change this.  So how can we help you get started doing this?

I don't know.

Well, if you don't know what we can do to get started, let's start with you. What can YOU do to start being happier?

If I knew I would have already done it.

Are you seeing a therapist?

Yes. I have been on and off for 14 years.

What does your T say about you longing back for the abuse, the ST, the drama?

What does your T say about how to establish for your self what makes you unhappy and what makes you happy?

I just switched to a new person. I've only seen him twice.

I would discuss these things with him next time to prevent you getting stuck.

You can go into the whole why you feel unhappy and what in your FOO caused this, and this is a really worthwhile thing to do. But it takes a lot of time. Right now you might need some practical exercises to get out of your present state. The whole analysis of your FOO and previous experiences can be done later on too.

^That is a good idea. I'm sorry for being so negative and somewhat combative to everyone. I was really struggling today. I wound up sending my sister messages telling her how she's treated me all of these years is unacceptable. I just couldn't take it anymore. I got into how my relationship with her nurtured me to be codependent.

howd it go sweet tooth?

Take one step at a time. You can't recover from the breakup, understand and solve your codependency and change your outlook on life in one go.

Start with focusing on you. No matter who you're in a relationship with, you'll always be with you. You are the basis of it all. A happier healthier you attracts people that are less likely to draw you further into the codependency swamp.

So why don't you make some lists?

A list of things that make you feel happy. Sunshine, feeling loved, being appreciated, drawing, figure skating, I dunno, anything you can think of that gives you a fuzzy feeling inside. Try to feel the fuzzy feeling as you think of these things.

A list of things that make you feel unhappy. 10 feet of snow, getting the ST, being put down, working somewhere you feel unchallenged, once again anything. Don't go with feeling it. I don't think that's a good place for you to go now.

When you've got a bit of an idea what you do want in your life and what you don't want, it's easier to see your relationship wasn't making you happy and why. And it will be easier to start to make changes. "I like feeling appreciated and figure skating. Would there be an ice rink where I could help out kids who want to learn to skate?" It's scary at first to go do something out of your comfort zone, but you'll meet new people and if you get positive feedback "thanks for teaching me the cherry flop!" you will feel better about yourself. Happier. It's just a small step (and a stupid example, I know... ) but that's how you get there, small steps.

^More smart advice. Thank you.

Not as well as it could have. It was a group text with our Aunt and I kind of unnecessarily dragged her into it. My Aunt messaged us to say "Happy Friday." I responded by saying it wouldn't be. My aunt responded something encouraging and there was radio silence from my sister. I went on to say how my Aunt is the only woman who ever loved me consistently and unconditionally and I didn't expect much from my sister because she's been a cold, insensitive bully my entire life.

My sister responded with some BS how she wanted to call me to talk and how she was sorry that "I felt that way" but never apologized for her behavior. She implied that the relationship is strained because of both of us.

Then I respectfully went off on her. I told her I didn't want to talk to her on the phone and that her behavior towards me paralyzed me, affects my relationships with other women, and that I'm a damaged co-dependent.  I brought up specific incidents of how she's mistreated me starting from childhood and into adulthood, with a specific incident as early as New Year's. I told her she's a horrible, self centered, and insensitive sister and I won't tolerate her behavior anymore.

My Aunt interjected by saying we will work it out. All my sister said was "Love you." That's it. No apology. Nothing. She didn't even care enough to defend herself. I'm just completely insignificant to her.

I'm glad I included somebody I trust in the group text in case she attempts to gaslight me.

On top of that, I had a nearly uncontrollable urge to text my perso with BPD and tell her how much I miss her. I didn't, though.

Maybe you will find it helpful to explore your difficulties with your sister and how that relationship might impact your other relationships?

If this sounds like something you might want to explore I encourage you to start a new thread here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

Neither my sister or I have BPD traits. My sister has some NPD traits, I guess.

Good conversation on this thread sweet tooth. I wish you well on your work with your T and detaching from your ex. It's rough! Oh gosh your marshmallow man is cute/hilarious both at once. I feel an urge to go watch ghostbusters again.

I love that movie!

Hi sweet tooth... .i get you... .i see you... .

What has helped me emensley  is watching these videos over and over... replacing the obbsesive sad thoughts with answers and new thoughts... .maybe they will help you... .in the end... .in my opinion... when we stop looking outward... .we get happier... .albeit after a muddy ride in hell... but it gets better after ... .i promise... .check out on you tube both... .different ways of saying the sMe thing... .and sometimes just one light bulb goes off... .and that leads to the next one, and the next... .rinse... .repeat  until some of the mud is cleaned off and all of a sudden you actually want to find mud... .cuz its so awesome when you get to clean it yourself. ... love and light... .maybe it helps... .

Check out Lisa A Ramano and Ross Rosenberg... .pls forgive tpos... .i get excitedd to share healing :-)

If they try to recycle and can't reach you, you wouldn't know they want to recycle and everything else doesn't really matter  :)

On a serious note... .Don't be concerned with what she does - wants to recycle, wants to reach you or rages. That you can't control, really. All you can control is you. Concentrate on that. Sometimes being selfish is good for you.

That is exactly what happened with me with my exBPDgf. One of my first loves, came back years later and the same crap happened again.