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I'm wondering something that is key to my recovery, for some reason beyond my comprehension I go from, "yes she's borderline and cannot be fixed by me or anyone else, she's broken and nothing I can do"

Then it's "Oh my I'm the one who's nuts and if I only did something different things would be different"

I'm wondering why I so like living in limbo between what I know (fact) to what I fantasize (fiction) about.

I flip flop in my mind hourly and I want to stop doing this. I'm much better than I was and I'm getting better but during quiet times my brain never seems to accept reality.

I don't recall rationalizing about anything like I do my exBPDgf.

Anyone else do this dance?

hi JerryRG  

believe it or not, this is a productive place to be. it sounds like youre separating whats hers and whats yours.

a hard truth that i faced is that i most certainly could have done things differently. i probably could have improved at least my well being within the relationship. thats not the same thing as single handedly making the relationship ideal for myself or my ex. a relationship requires two. things might have been different; different can mean better or worse. i wouldnt discourage you from leaning into that as youre the only one you can change but "it could have gone differently" and "i made mistakes" are not the same as the relationship being perfect, or ideal for you, they apply to every relationship. if i recall your story correctly, you walked away. you did that for a reason. relationships end for these reasons. we can always clean up our side of the street. that does not mean the relationship was for us.

in that light, it matters less if shes borderline or not. JerryRG decided the relationship was less than ideal for him. does JerryRG set too high a bar? is he expecting perfection? are his boundaries too rigid or strong, too weak, both? anyone can benefit from asking themselves those questions. as opposed to second guessing yourself, you might ask yourself what you can learn in order to have healthy relationships in the future.

Thank you, once removed

Yes, she was extremely unhealthy for me, the relationship was not redipricol. And again I fell in love with a fantacy and my ex was basically my mother in every way. Right down to the abuse, control and meaness/coldness. She's never had a good relationship and I'm certain she's BPD with comorbid addictions, narcissistic and people who know her say she's socialpathic.

Like you said it doesn't matter except I need to know how to deal with her because we share custody.

Not something I'm looking forward to at all, my mother controlled me and sexually abused me and I was terrified of her. Perfect setup for unhealthy future relationships. I'm not blaming I'm just piecing the puzzle together so I can change.

I had zero bounderies with my ex, I gave too much, allowed too much, lost self respect, played God trying to fix her.

For some strange reason I believed if I could save her I would in turn save myself. From what I'm not sure, I just knew she was killing herself and I could not allow it. I was dying slowly in my foo and no one had time or enough concern to help me.

Ahhhh! Yes the pity lingering

I felt sorry for this poor homrkess, drug abusing, broken child. The fact I had been separated a while and she was beautiful but still in a creepy way she looked and when she was in her depressed mean witch waif state she was my mother reincarnate.