BPDFamily.com

I wanted to here some experiences on the following:

- when did you know it was really over between you and your (ex)BPDpartner? I mean: they recycle but wat caused them to stop recycling? What was trigger?

And how do you kniw it's really over?

Thanjs for sharing

When she wouldn't stop texting her affair partner, even though in her mind she had stopped cheating because they had stopped seeing each other in person briefly. I ended it at that point, even though my T had told me that such affairs tended to take a while to die down. At the time, I sensed that she was relieved that I let her go.

Recyling takes two. I was done.

I never got to a recycle, I think because I live remote and she moved a coastal area full of buff surfies.

I think in my heart of hearts, looking back on things and BPD, I think she was starting to detach when she moved interstate. She suddenly got her attention from friends/other men and she dropped me like It was hot.

I remember we had a cruise lined up with me some of my mates and her and she tried so hard to get out of going (nothing towards my friends) She went from obsessing over all the islands we would explore to making excuses about how she needed to look for a job/I should just go with another friend... .this was our last bit of time together before long distance where we could relax!

From what I read, you can't expect anything. Even though Im pretty sure I won't get recycled, I'm terrified that one day I will wake up to an email telling me we need to salvage our marriage. Thanks to all you fine people, I'm confident I can calmly tell her that won't be happening.

I knew it was really over when I began to suspect he had lied about seeking help and being in therapy. The lie was ongoing for around six months. Each week he voluntarily provided 'reminders' that he had a therapy appointment or had a good therapy session and so on. The lie hurt. Where I felt most betrayed however, was being denied the truth (I asked), in part because he denied me the basic right to make an educated choice about our relationship.  Later after the breakup he confirmed his therapy tale was fiction. When we parted ways he attempted recycles while in new relationships, but I didn't allow recycles with him to occur.

I might have recycled immediately after the relationship ended if the opportunity had presented itself.  As it was, I spent about 2 really wonderful hours with my ex at a gathering with friends about 6 weeks after the breakup, but there was another woman there who resembled his *other* ex and the fact that he kept craning his neck to look at her down the table sort of sank my hopes that he actually cared about me.

I knew it was really over when, six weeks after that, he sent me a letter threatening me with prison time for looking at him wrong at the last gathering.  That's when I knew that the incidents leading up to the breakup had all been worse than I had imagined them at the time, and that I had entered crazy land.

I think deep down I knew it was over the first time she dumped me three months in.  Two years later she threw me away like trash, so as it turns out my gut instinct was correct.  I should have walked away the first time but I wrongly chose to hope and believe even though all the signs were pointing towards never getting the reliable, stable and healthy relationship I wanted with her.  There were likely some codependency issues here that kept me hoping for the best outcome in spite of the red flags waving in my face.

When he cheated on me with his flatmate and told me he had got together with her. I knew he had only kept me around because he didn't have anyone else, and now that he had somebody else, I was no use to him.

treating close ones like trash seems to be quite normal with a person suffering from BPD. But why is that? Because of low self esteem?

it was kind of three fold, and in this order:

1. she jumped in a new relationship (id probably have taken her back)

2. she stole from me (i wont allow that in my life and i make no exceptions)

3. i learned about BPD and it hit me what a relationship would (continue to) entail and that there were no guarantees. i also realized id likely been cheated on and lied to multiple times.

it wasnt any one of those things, i might still have taken her back for a period. it was the slow acceptance of all of those things, and the end.

Because of their core fears that are contradictory in themselves: abandonment & engulfment.

I think I knew it was over before the last recycle, when he crossed the line of being verbally abusive to me to saying something horribly abusive to my younger son.

I knew then that I would have a hard time forgiving that, and regaining trust.

We limped along for a few more months, and it became clear that the relationship could not be repaired. My children disliked him, I lost faith in his willingness or ability to change, and I began to truly understand the depth of our issues. His rages had triggered my PTSD badly, and he had normalized his anger so much he didn't even see it was wrong. I was no longer idealized at all and it was constant devaluing. Right before the last break up he denied saying the abusive thing to my son. He had rewritten history again and minimized what he had done. I felt a sinking feeling then, that it could not get better.

The final break up occurred when he suddenly wanted to move in with me and my kids. This happened to coincide with him running out of money. I said no. He found an excuse to rage and break up with me again. This time I am committed to detaching and not being recycled.