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I was in a weird mood last night. Quiet really. I had anything and everything going on in my mind last night. To be fair to my wife here, she did ask me if she had done anything to upset me, if I needed to talk about anything etc. This is at 9:30pm. I just said no everything is ok. I continued in my quiet mode and honestly ignored her.  I could not think of anything I wanted to constructively talk about because I had so much on my mind.

Do I just admit that I was "at fault" for not at least stating " I don't mean to seem distant but I have too much going on here to discuss anything constructively"

In a way I feel bad BUT I know she would have tried to drag stuff out of me last night and I did not want to go through that.

We had a lot of issues arise over the weekend. She had a meltdown over a family situation on Saturday that involved my D23 and a 2nd cousin of my wife's. Maybe I will explain it later BUT

should I just go ahead and say I am sorry, I know even when I say I am sorry she is going to thank you BUT then proceed to tell me my shortcomings.

Noo, don't say sorry.

Thank her for concern, If it comes up again.

Especially if you didn't thank her last night.

Then just stick with story, was in quiet mood with a lot on my mind.  Drop it.

Do NOT let her pry. 

Indicate you may be up for chatting in few days.  Your thoughts come out on your terms.

FF

I had to leave work early today to take care of some business and then come back. I had to go by the house before I came back to work to drop something off.

Well FF, my silence was brought up. I took minuscule responsibility. I did roll over last night and not say goodnight. She really did not do anything blatant for me to ignore her.

She told me today when I do crap like that it just pushes her away from me. She said that she would think with everything she has been going through with her mom being sick and everything that I would be nicer.

I won't bother to make a list of all the S$#T I have done to be nice and understanding. Those kinds of statement blow my mind. I know it's projection but they still blow my mind.

I did not pamper her feelings as I was leaving the house to come back to work. I did say that if things keep going the way they are going I don't know how we will ever get along.  She proceeded that by saying that as long as I am going to be this way she is not going back to MC. I said so everything is supposed to be good for us to go to MC?


so here are texts I have received since being back at work

Her: (sarcastic of course) thanks for being a good husband with your support and understanding of what all I'm dealing with right now. You are such a rock.

I did not reply

2 hours goes by

Her: I can't trust anybody anymore. You turn on me out of the blue often. It really hurts.

I did not reply.

I try to use communication tools but I just must suck at this. It's like my mind draws a friggin blank until after the fact

I am going to text my wife that I am working late. I am going to ignore any crummy texts from her (if she sends any back to me)

OK when I get home if she starts on me, this is what my "planned" approach is. Tell me if I am wrong here.

I want to tell her that I am not responsible for her feelings. As long as she feels this way toward me I do not want to have a discussion. 

She will try to "make" me admit that what I did is the reason she is behaving this way toward me and that it's me that is causing all the problems.

I get to a point where I get flooded and my default is "this isn't going to work if things keep going this way"  to honest that is what I believe but I HAVE to quit saying that.

I just want to go home and not talk. then I will be an ass again. (in her mind)

well I texted her that I was going to be home late


Me: Just letting you know I'm working late since I had to come back into work late

Her: why didn't you leave me a stamp? ( to mail a card to her mother)

Me: forgot  ( I really didnt forget, I saw the envelope sitting on the table, and I thought she can get her own friggin stamp)

Her: I have an idea, because of your attitude toward me and your lack of responses to any of my texts, why don't you just stay gone tonight

She despises people ignoring her texts.

To be honest I am about ready to throw in the towel and plan an exit strategy ( just thinking out loud)

What happened over the weekend is almost too difficult to explain. It's just getting to be too much for this pea brain to handle.  :)

just got this one

HER: YOU are the reason we can't even make it to see MC without a major blow up. YOU could've handled your "problem" with me in the right way. It just keeps happening, we go a few days and you just have to come up with another "problem" with me. The only reason we've gone this long and not had a fight is because I've been out of town.  I came back with a positive attitude about the mountains and camping and exercising blah blah blah and you just had to shoot it down didn't you. ( I didn't shoot it down) You wait until I've had a hard stressful day the day before and try to have a good day with you and my son yesterday and then turn your back on me last night in the bed. So, where in this equation have I done anything to deserve crap from you?

this is so difficult not to JADE right here. I don't even know how to respond to this

By Faith- I posted to FF on his threads about being baited and triggered. I hope they will help you too.

One can not be triggered by an accusation unless one buys into it. If your wife accused you of being a pink elephant - would you be upset or concerned that you might be a pink elephant? Hopefully not, because you are quite certain that you are not a pink elephant, and no amount of he accusations would make you one.

She can accuse you of anything, but if it gets to you, it is because you are accepting her reality- that you did something wrong. But you didn't do anything wrong- you needed some time to yourself as you were not feeling emotionally good at the time. She is the one who is making this wrong. But you don't have to buy into that. When we are enmeshed, it is hard to see the difference between the other person's reality and ours. If we are concerned with their reality, and how they see us, then we will JADE, change, do things to prove we are not the bad person they say we are. But if we believe we are not a bad person, then they can say anything and it won't affect us.

Responding to the text or any of her "digs" in a way , validates them. If they are not true then they are not true. No need to disprove something that isn't true. You also can't change what she thinks or says. She can think or say anything. Your part is to not be reactive. You don't have to respond to that.

so what I would like to do is decline from discussing the issue, because I know I am not a pink elephant. There is nothing I can do or say that will change her mind on what she thinks I have done. BUT when I decline to discuss she will escalate her assumptions SO I need to be ready to keep backing off from it

am I thinking the right way?

Keep any statements about you not her. You could say " I don't want to have this discussion now" and walk away. Or " I prefer to discuss this in MC" then leave the room if she persists. She may pitch a fit. But this is like the toddler having a fit when they don't get what they want. It isn't your problem to fix but you may end up on the couch- but really - you are not doing anything wrong.

 

Yep, I was thinking about stuff in my threads as well,

Unless there is a clear validation target, best to just leave it alone.

And also remember that validation really only works on the "lighter issues".  If they are full on being abusive or blaming, or dysregulating, then you best just to ignore, step away, whatever and let the energy of their rage blow out.

FF

my daughter is driving into town and she will have my new grandson :) :)

so my daughter was supposed to come to house tonight with the baby. I wondered what issue my wife would be having as to not have the company.

got this text

Her: I texted (BF daughter) that I have a stomach bug or virus and she might consider that before she brings ( BF grandson)  over.

Maybe you can all visit at ( BF's other daughter and boyfriends house). Im guessing that is where she will be going anyway.

promptly following that text

Her: I would appreciate an answer to this text instead of nothing ( this was a shot at me ignoring all her texts last night)

ME: Ok I will just see him over there. Hope your stomach feels better. Not getting the ( new car)  until tomorrow, bank can't get me in until then.

Wanted to not text her back BUT I didn't comment on her smart ass remark

I don't believe she has anything wrong with her stomach but whatever

If this is a common way for your wife to avoid company, and to control who comes over, then I think  being aware of this potential interference in your relationship with your D and new baby is important.

Considering that my own biological mother saw my relationship with my father as competition ( not romantic competition, but that any attention, resources ( money) or affection he gave me was taking something away from her.  I can only imagine this possibility from your wife who is not your D's biological mother. And a new baby. She knows you are crazy about that baby.

You can see the baby at your other D's house on your own. This keeps your wife out of the control situation. You could invite her. Stomach bug? She stays home. Also, from a D's point of view, please consider seeing your D and the baby sometimes on your own without your wife. Your D is an adult now, she can choose her relationships ( so are you) and the baby is someone you can also have a relationship.

My mother was frequently in the middle of my father and I. I cherished any time I could spend with him alone, because if my mother was with him, it was all about her, her needs, her wishes, her feelings. Yet, as a D, I wanted to have a father too. Kids also have preferences. They loved my father. He left such a great impression on them. I am so glad that he got to enjoy his role as  a grandpa.

I didn't choose to fall in love with my mother. My father did. Yet, she is my biological mother. You chose your wife, and your D did not. Further more, your wife is not her mother. If she wanted, she is not obligated in any way to have anything to do with her. The only reason she does is because she wants a relationship with you. This is the reality. I'd be willing to bet your D would be very happy to have you see her and the baby at her sisters house- and you get to see your other D too.

What do you call this? texts I received last night. I know what I call it

HER: I need (otc medication) before you go to (my daughter's). I'm doing bad in a lot of ways. I don't want the cheap kind either. I think I need the kind that goes up inside cause I'm bleeding and really hurting ( i know this is TMI but it is not the female parts) ( I do believe she was hurting but I did not baby her last night and I felt bad she was in pain)

ME: Sorry you are hurting. I will bring you some. I guess you will know if you need to see the dr

HER: (her son) said he might go with you

ME: Ok

HER: (our dog) needs canned dog food too

ME: Ok

ME: (name of specific med to get)?   I wasn't sure exactly what she needed

HER: I guess I don't even know if I need them or not my muscles are cramping all over and I feel bad

ME: Sounds like you have the flu. Do you want something for muscle aches?

HER:No it's cramps not aches

HER: Dip too (for her son)  I usually pick it up for him on my way home

These are texts I received once I was at my daughter house visiting my grandson

HER: Where did u put the other stuff I said I needed?

HER: Hello?

ME: I thought you said you didnt need it

HER: You know I don't know what your minds been on lately but it damn sure hadn't been on my well-being. That is NOT what I said. Apparently you're just glancing at the texts and I also ask you the dog food WITHOUT the other day when we were talking about it. Just more proof that your mind is somewhere else. Are you doing this on purpose?

HER: Without gravy

ME: Ok

HER: Just what i thought. I mean really, what SHOULD I expect from a man who claims to be a Christian and turns his back on his wife in bed with no apparent reason or explanation. What a fine example you set

HER: (her son) wants u to call him on the home phone

I got home around 9:30 and I think I spoke one sentence to her ( i told her her stuff was on the bathroom counter)

I think what I will do is text her and let her know I am still going to MC tomorrow evening as scheduled and if she wants to come that would be great. I am keeping any conversation with her to a minimum and replying to texts as minimum as possible

Oh yeah I slept on the couch... .I couldn't bring myself to lay beside her last night... .honestly she disgusts me right now and I hate feeling that way about someone

HER: (our dog) needs canned dog food too

ME: Ok

ME: (name of specific med to get)?   I wasn't sure exactly what she needed


HER: You know I don't know what your minds been on lately but it damn sure hadn't been on my well-being. That is NOT what I said. Apparently you're just glancing at the texts and I also ask you the dog food WITHOUT the other day when we were talking about it. Just more proof that your mind is somewhere else. Are you doing this on purpose?

HER: Without gravy

ME: Ok

HER: Just what i thought. I mean really, what SHOULD I expect from a man who claims to be a Christian


Are you married to FF's wife ?  :)og food and Bible!

What is this? It is playing victim, competing with your D for your attention, a heavy dose of FOG.

All wrapped up in religious sayings.

Apparently it was not just about not wanting the D and the baby over, but placing you in the position of choosing her needs over seeing your D.

This is a personally disturbing situation for me as I experienced this with my father. When I started not enabling her, she uped the ante. He had to choose her or me, then she painted me black to him. He chose her, I wonder if he meant it or just couldn't deal with the struggle. From my own feelings- and this is just me- if you do not keep this boundary- that you have the right to have a relationship with your children, this will slowly erode. If you do not stick up to your wife for your D, nobody will. This is quite difficult for me because I loved my father very much and grieved that he didn't take a stand for his relationship with me.

My mother has often had "medical issues" real, or not, or embellished, I don't know. But I do know that she has had these things when attention is not on her. This included my college graduation where they got into a big argument and my father walked out in front of everyone and I spent the afternoon in tears. I also didn't have much money for college as, according to him, she wouldn't let him give it to me. Yet, he earned the money. The truth is, he didn't stand up to her for me and it has nothing to do with money. Even if he didn't give me one penny, his taking a stand that he is my father and he loves me was what I wanted.

I don't think this has anything to do with romantic jealousy as the relationship between father and D is different, however I think as I got older, the relationship seemed to be a threat to her- perhaps attention, resources, or the fact that it didn't include marital conflict. Someone who tends to feel easily abandoned might be triggered by this.

The decision is yours.

Couple initial thoughts.

Instead of saying you are sorry she feels a certain way, can you validate?  I would practice that.

I would also consider some kind of way to limit the  nasty

Texts.

Perhaps a SET statement where you support her pain and get her meds but limit the other shopping trips.

"Will be happy to get dog food and other items on my shopping trip on Friday.  Please send me list"

Personal bias alert! I would not buy dip or allow in my house.  He can go outside to dip and spit and buy his own.

FF

Notwendy,

I thought same thing about my wife teleporting into another thread.

Yes, stand up for your relationships.  To include undisturbed time with them.  Let phone go to voicemail and no texting.

Let your wife soothe herself.

FF