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Title: Bit the bullet Post by: JerryRG on April 04, 2016, 06:19:02 PM Hello everyone
I finally think I'm ready to exchange texts with my sons mother. The operative word here is "think" Over 4 months NC and this is going to be a test for me to impliment the tools I've learned here and in AA, Alanon and counceling Stick to the facts Leave out emotion Only discuss our son Be brief and to the point Bounderies Expect the same behaviours Realize she's mentally ill Realize she's vulnerable She's BPD ? Title: Re: Bit the bullet Post by: livednlearned on April 04, 2016, 06:35:21 PM That sounds like a good list to center yourself.
Some other things to consider are writing BIFF statements (brief, informative, friendly, firm) described by Bill Eddy in his book Splitting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.msg1309197#msg1309197 Excerpt Hostile e-mail exchanges have become huge in divorce. Blamers love sending them and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals. It’s extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone’s bad behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They will be used against you. Instead, assertively use a BIFF response, as described next, and encourage people in your support system to do the same. It will save you a lot of wasted time and energy to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Do You Need to Respond? Much of hostile mail does not need a response. Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding. Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response. Title: Re: Bit the bullet Post by: JerryRG on April 04, 2016, 08:31:11 PM Thank you livednlearned
I will use the tools on the site you provided. Title: Re: Bit the bullet Post by: livednlearned on April 04, 2016, 09:06:48 PM I hope BIFF is helpful to you.
When I first started following the protocol, it would sometimes take me hours, occasionally days, to write an email. It gets easier, then it gets to be second nature. *) Title: Re: Bit the bullet Post by: ForeverDad on April 05, 2016, 09:22:11 AM While you can try to reason to determine how well it will work, be aware it does not work consistently with someone whose emotions and moods of the moment overwhelm consistency and logic.
Being reasonable can be perceived as weakness and invite more boundary pushing. Beware of being recycled. Any improvements in behavior may not last. Title: Re: Bit the bullet Post by: JerryRG on April 05, 2016, 03:14:24 PM Thank you Forever dad
I appriciate your help, I talked to grandmother today and asked if exBPDgf number was the same from a month ago, evidently she changed it after I didn't respond or because I didn't want her to visit to pick her keys up? I installed an app that allowes free texting without having to reveal my real number. After I text her wrong number and didn't get a response yesterday, this is why I text grandmother today. Things will be ok. My son will be ok, oh as for recycling she has a fiance but we know what that's all about with exBPDs. She may try to recycle but I've told her many many times, when you learn how to treat people and love them you know where I am. And I have choices as to what I want because I'm not a victim. I don't know what real love is either but I'm busting my butt trying to learn, I'm manipulating lol Thanks again everyone |