BPDFamily.com

Made a new thread because the last one was at the max.

Troisette: Thank you. It doesn't feel like I'm making any progress at all.

Gotbushels: I honestly don't know….I just don't know. All I can think of is “Why?”. Why did she lie to me? Why did she cheat on me? Why did she leave me? Why did she hurt me the way that she did? Why did I fall in love with such an obviously horrible person?... .


Things have taken a turn for the worse. This might seem silly but N has blocked me on Facebook. That's the only way I can communicate with her. I feel like I've lost a sister, a daughter. I’m almost positive my ex has something to do with it... .I'm just... .I'm feel like I'm spinning out of control. The constant ups and downs are taking a toll on me. My drive and ambition are completely gone. I don't have the energy to do much. I have to force myself to eat. I having difficulty sleeping. She has taken so much from me. I find myself wishing for death.

I'm a good person, at least I try to be. It's not fair that I'm struggling to make it day to day and my ex is “happy, very happy” as she puts it. Now I've lost N. This was supposed to be my year... .I was supposed to get engaged to the most perfect and beautiful woman on the planet. It was supposed to be the first year of the rest of my life….instead it's turned into the year from hell. These past 4 months have seemed like 4 years. I am so lonely. I feel so empty. I've never felt like this for somebody else before and I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I still love her so very much. I miss her, I can't tell you how much I miss her…

I had a date last week with somebody I met online. Well... .that date was a disaster. It looked like she hasn't brushed her teeth in years, showed in a week and just rolled out of bed. We met for breakfast (which she invited me to) and I paid for it. Which I don't have a problem with but she didn't say thank you. Then we went shopping because she had to buy jeans. Again no problem. As we're walking through the store, I'm try to think of an excuse to bail. We walk out and says "well I'm going to call it a day. I'm really tired" and I'm like thank god. I got in my car, drove home and I'm cried my eyes out... .I want my ex back... .I want her back so fing bad. What if I can't do any better than my ex? I want to give up. I've lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I've lost the person I thought was perfect for me... .I don't know if I'll ever be able to replace that.

Babysteps Gundam, babysteps.

It's gonna get better, but you need to lift yourself out of this pity party. Yes, your situation sucks, but she's gone. Not because she left you, but because the girl you fell in love doesn't exist anymore. She was a reflection of what you were always looking for, but that's not really her. You didn't fall in love with a cheating, lying hurtful person did you?

We all kept hoping and wishing for them to come back, but the fact is that person you fell in love does not exist anymore. So no matter how hurting you are, the only way to move on is to accept that.

You really seem to be struggling with picking up the pieces, is it possible to seek help from a professional to help you process what's happened in the last year?

Your ex is not the perfect woman your longing makes her out to be. She treated people around her really badly. She convinced you you're a monster. She lied to you. She cheated on you. If she was so perfect she wouldn't have done that. You will find someone MUCH better than that. One that doesn't lie or cheat.

Why she lied, cheated, etc? Because she is mentally ill.

Why you fell in love? Because she acted as if she was someone else. BPD makes good actors.

As you said N has suffered its depression all her life. Have you considered she might be feeling really low because of that? And she simply cannot handle any people that are feeling low too (you) or invoke drama (such as your ex)? Maybe she blocked you to protect herself and she will unblock you again when she feels better.

No, it isn't fair on you you're feeling low. It isn't fair on your ex she has BPD. Life isn't fair.

Your ex is not happy though and you know it. She is just showing the outside world the edited version. You're not there when she's pulling crap on people. You're not there when she is screaming at someone. Remember, the ups & downs that you feel are killing you now she has had all her life 24/7 and she will have those for the rest of her life 24/7. She is not happy. You cannot make her happy. Nobody can make her happy.

Start seeing your ex for who she really is: someone who can play the perfect woman to mirror whatever the man opposite her wants, but who isn't perfect and cannot maintain the role she plays because she is m e n t a l l y   i l l.

As far as the date is considered, I don't believe in dating as long as you're not detached. You will compare everybody to your ex, every date will be a disaster because of you not being detached and feeling low and the dates being a disaster will eat away at your confidence making you feel even lower. Forget about the dating for now. Just tag along with friends and colleagues for dinner, a film, just to enjoy human company without drama.

Work on your co-dependency. Read about it. Work on your low self esteem. Spend time with nice people. Be nice to you. Get rid of your addiction to a mentally ill woman. Write down what horrible things she said and did. Read it often. Go see your T.

There is light at the end if the tunnel. But you need to WANT to go down the tunnel first instead of staying in the same place. You are the only one who can turn your life around. You. It's all about YOU. This is YOUR life. You only have one.

Now go kick some butt.

So after some extremely difficult weeks I'm back.

Things went downhill very rapidly for me and I became very suicidal. It got to the point where my local Suicide Prevention hotline was calling me every day to check on me. I spent everyday with my brother because I didn't want to be alone. When I was alone I cried. I kept having dreams about her. Mostly it was us getting back together and when I'd wake up, I'd cry. I gave up all hope and no longer saw a future for myself. I had given up.

One of my friends became aware of just how bad I had become and reached out to my ex:

Friend: gundam94 is in a really f-ing bad place and I hope you know it's because of you. Let me put this clearly as I can: His life is in grave danger, and no one can help him except for you. Not me, not any of his friends or family. He still loves you, he misses to the point of suicide, and frankly, he's upset that apparently you are not as torn up about this like he is. So let me reiterate: His life is in grave danger. I did my part. The choice is yours now.

Her: (friend)... .you said you wouldn't get between this anymore. Gundam94 was an ahole to me- I left him for my own mental health. My anxiety is a lot better, I'm not as depressed. I'm finally happy again. I was broken up, but I hid it. I'm sorry, but he did this all to himself. Next time he should learn how to treat a girl before she leaves.


Friend: When one of my best friends is ABOUT TO F-ING KILL HIMSELF, that's when this becomes my problem. I will damn well intervene. But I guess you'd rather see him dead. If that happens, this will be on you. And whatever excuse you have, whatever god forsaken comeback you have will not be worth my time. Do not talk to me after this text. I said what needed to be said, What happens next falls on your head.

Seeing that kinda sent me over the edge. Why would I push her from me? Why would I treat her so badly that her only option left was to leave? I know I wouldn't do that. I needed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She basically said it was my fault she left and my fault I'm in this situation. She texted him later that night saying; this isn't her fault, that she's sorry to what is happening to me and that she has a spot for me in her heart, but she can never see me again. All of which is complete BS.

Her behavior really made my friend very very angry. He's known me for a long time and knows I'd never do what she claims I did. So he became the very first person (besides myself) to call her on her lies and BS:

Friend: That's BS and you know I know it is. I know that man. I know that this is tearing him up far worse than anyone else because he gave you everything. He would have given you the world if he could. And you took it from him, and basically said oops, and turned away from him. This isn't your fault? Yeah, and Hillary Clinton would make a great president. That was sarcasm by the way. A lie. You're good at those, right? I mean you do focus on debates a lot, so much so that drove a relationship into the ground because of it. So you should know a lie when you see it. Here's the truth: You destroyed gundam94. The affair you had behind his back, the lack of even trying to save the relationship. YOU destroyed him. And I will never get him back. NO ONE will ever get that gundam94 back. I hope you're happy. I hope that things are going so smoothly for you because the one that GAVE YOU HIS SOUL has nothing to cling onto. So thanks for that. Bye.


Wow... .was she livid. My friend says he really must of hit a nerve and she hit the defensive rapidly. Saying she never cheated, debate never ruined the relationship, I did, she had a life and friends and not just me, don't talk to her again, and I'm a liar.

It's been a very difficult struggle. I have gotten my meds adjusted several times now. Mainly for my depression. My doctors are giving it a few more weeks and if I don't show improvement I'm going to do inpatient care. I haven't cried for a few days now, which is surprising. I'm still dreading the summer. I'm trying to do one positive thing for myself everyday. It's not easy and I am still having to force myself to do a lot of things. I'm still sad but I'm more angry now.

Sorry I haven't caught up to the convo but does she have a replacement? Reason I ask is because youre situation is extremely similar to mine but mine has been with replacement for a while now no signs of a hiccup in their relationship. She is happy as ever.

Hi Gundum

Sorry to read about this, I've just caught up with your situation.

No contact and detaching is tough. You are not alone. Most of us have been in that desolate place. Four months is not long and it's not linear. Some days are better than others and it does get better with time. Slowly slowly it will. But I know that while you are experiencing it each day seems like a week. Remember, others have got through and you can too. You can.

Your experience of dating is not unusual - because four months out we don't really want anyone to replace our idealised person. No one can meet the illusion we hold.

But it is an illusion. She's not your perfect woman, soulmate or partner. She treated you very badly, took advantage of your good nature and continues to show the person she really is. Our problem is coping with the truth and discarding the wonderful illusion we had of them. That's hard. But little by little understanding of who they really are tips our scales. It takes time though.

You deserve better and as you go through therapy your self-esteem and self-perception will change, as they do you'll realise that the person you thought you were in love with was a chimera. She didn't exist as you saw her. As you feel better about yourself you'll have a clearer idea of what you deserve and will choose carefully and wisely.

Hang in there. I know it's difficult but you can do this.  

I'm confused. How was your ex supposed to help you? Was your friend sending this guilt-inducing message to her to make her come back to you? Or was it just to shame her?

Either way I think it is unhealthy. If you are feeling suicidal that is terrible, and you can and should get help. But it is not okay for someone to tell your ex that if you die it is her fault. That is horribly manipulative and cruel.

I come from a family of suicides. I know what it is like to lose someone to suicide, and to feel the guilt and second-guessing. I know what it is like to be blamed. Suicide is never anyone's else fault. It is the choice of a person in pain, yes, but they are responsible for the action they are taking.

If I got an email like that about my ex I would hit the wall too. Even in "normal" breakups it is common for people to feel angry and blame each other. I understand the urge to lash out, to have others come for your defense, and to try some way to get her to "feel" your pain. But she is never going to do that, and if she did, it would not be because of emails like that.

I'm glad someone else said this - the thread was starting to feel very uncomfortable. It sounds as if your friend is trying to manipulate your ex back into a relationship with you to stop you from killing yourself. No matter what she's done, she can't be held to ransom like that. She might have been awful and she might have hurt you badly, but your suicide would not be her responsibility.  It also sounds like she's asked your friend to keep out of this before, and he hasn't done so.

The messages your friend has sent are abusive. It's terrible emotional blackmail and a huge breach of boundaries. I get that he wants to support you, but maybe his focus needs to be on you, rather than on her.

Gundam94 I'm really sorry you are feeling so low but I'm with HurtinNW on this.

What help did your friend expect your ex to offer? How realistic is it to expect someone who is mentally ill to offer help or support or an explanation or an apology or whatever it is you or your friend were expecting? Or was your friend trying to pressure your ex to recycle you? No good can come from that... A relationship must be entered from own free will.

Even if your ex would be willing to offer you anything (which she isn't) she isn't able to. She is mentally ill. She cannot explain her own behaviour to herself, let alone you. She has and will avoid responsibility and accountability.

I understand your friend is very upset about how you feel and the situation you are in but he is not helping. Guilt tripping is not the way forward. Telling your ex she will be responsible if you die is cruel and abusive. Same as it would have been if she would have been suicidal and would have said it would have been your fault if she would have died.

Please ask your friend to support you in a different way. One that does not involve your ex in any way shape or form. He can take you for walks, listen to you, work out with you, cook for you, let you cry on his shoulder but he cannot intervene anymore.

And please let go of your ex. The person you thought she was, she person she displayed, the person you fell in love with was a mirage. She was never really there.

And you did not need her. You wanted her but you did not NEED her. The only person you truly need is you.