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Today marks 5 weeks no contact with my BPD exgf. Her last contact she exploded on me because my 11 year old daughter was having a procedure in the hospital and i didnt check in to see how her son was who had a headache. He had a " concussion" 5 months earlier. The entire relationship she was insanely jeoulous over my relationship with my ex wife. Her last words to me were "go f-ck yourself" while my daughter was in surgery.

To put things in clearer perspective. My daughter suffered a severelly traumatic brain injury due to a medical malpractice when she was 24 hours old. Went into cardiac arrest 5 times and was hospitalized for 83 days. The end result is she is a quadripelegic, non verbal with severe cognitive deficits. My marriage obviously deteriated and we divorced. As a father i was devestated but putting myself in my ex wifes shoes to carry a child for 8 months and have something go so horrifically wrong to your child at the hands of someone is unimaginable. We have remained good freinds thru out for our daughters sake.

Obviously having a non verbal child with numerous medical issues is no simple task. I cant call my daughter up and have a conversation and obviously there are many issues in a situation like this that need to be handled as parents. Obviously medical issues but also there is a trust in place as a result of a lawsuit. Both me and my ex wife are trustees along with a third party.

My BPD exgf was nothing short of amazing with this little girl. The love and bond that they had for each other for 6 years can not be measured. However, it was a constant battle that i had to be in contact with my ex wife with my BPD ex. She couldnt understand how i needed to call 4 or 5 days a week to check on my daughter and that even in her presence my ex wife and i had no issues. My ex wife is remarried however i was still sleeping with her according to my BPD ex.

It just amazes me how someone who knows this childs medical history and how fragile her life is could just totally not ever check to see how this girl is. She doted on her every minute they were together and just totally split her black along with me. I never asked for a pity party from her but she broke my balls constantly over everything for 6 years. As any man on these boards knows, there is no love like a father has for his daughter.I often told her, don't i have enough on my plate as a father having to watch his daughter go thru life like this that you feel the need to put me thru this. I guess i really didnt know this woman at all because she really is stone cold.

Hi Lexisdad,

My heart goes out to you.   You have lived through some incredible challenges, and I commend you for your courage in handling them and sharing this with us. I can totally understand your confusion resulting from your ex's behavior, especially after she and your daughter had bonded so closely. I would be reeling, and would feel extremely hurt.

I am glad that your daughter had those 6 years of closeness with you, your ex-wife, and pwBPD. The more closeness and love, the better, in my book. And now she still has amazing parents who love and care for her; something that means so much.

How is your daughter coping with the loss of your expwBPD? It sounds like your ex wife is being very supportive, did I read that right?

I remember in my relatively short relationship with pwBPD, when my father was very ill, pwBPD was visiting me and I wanted to call my dad, who was living alone (he had a carer come in a few times a week, but it wasn't enough).  pwBPD encouraged me to call, but also admitted later that it had made him feel very angry that I wanted to connect with my family at all while he was there. (My father died shortly after pwBPD left to go back home). He is a very self-aware person, and when he explained his feelings I understood that it was part of the disorder.

Very sad and painful all around.

Keep writing and let us know how you are doing Lexisdad. This is a lot to deal with, and we are here for you.  Blessings to your little angel.  

heartandwhole

Thank you for your kind words and blessings. My daughter is doing ok. Besides the bond she had with with my expwBPD she adored her 13 year old son as well. Both of these children spent half their lives together. I had an amazing bond with her son and family as well.

As far as the relationship, no one knew what really transpired behind closed doors. She never raged in front of any one at me except her son and my daughter. She was a high functioning pwBPD so she wore her mask well. There were so many red flags early on but i truly thought it was bipolar as she was diagnosed. Looking back, as much as i love this woman the utter disrespect and abuse that i put up was horrific. The rages were sometimes 4 or 5 days week. No more than a 10 day span in 6 years without a blowout. The dyllusional jeoulosy and trust and insecurity issues were unreal.

As a parent of a child with special needs my heart breaks for any parent in the same boat. Im a compassionate and caring person. She has been out numerous times to dinner when it came time to pay the bill we would be told the couple over there paidvyour bill and said god bless you and your daughter. The last thing that any parent needs in this situation is to be involved in a relationship like i put up with. The situation is always on your mind. Every where you go your reminded that your child is not gonna be like the children you see. There are not gonna be many joyous occasions but you persevere and handle the deck of cards your dealt. The relationship ended at her hands the day before we were scheduled for her to have ivf to become pregnant. I was split black along with my daughter. I just cant comprehend how someone who cared for this child like she was her own could split her black as well. I would think someone would be sympathetic to an innocent child but as i often told her your amazing to lexi but you treat me like sh-t all the time. I certainly was not looking for a rekindle but a simple how is she doing would have been enough.

your BPD ex probably felt so much fear and anxiety, and the resulting frustration and helplessness, that she literally didn't have the tools to manage her emotions.

Is she stone cold? I doubt it. She wasn't coping. Obviously if you were fighting over this for 6 years, she was really flinging herself against you over it.

Maybe from the position of your BPD ex, and maybe many other women, you are completely enmeshed in the life of your ex and your injured daughter. Is it possible that your life was revolving around your daughter and your ex to the point that your BPD ex gf simply felt that you would never really be "hers"?

I am absolutely in agreement that you should be there for your daughter. At the same time if this was always your priority in the eyes of your ex BPD gf, it's not a balanced situation.

From what you say your BPD ex was getting really abusive. Did most of this upset and abuse come out of fighting with you over your attention on your daughter and your ex  or were there other issues, too?

The constant fighting was over dyllusional jeoulosy, insecurity and trust issues. I only see my daughter one day every weekend. My BPD ex gf told me numerous times she did not trust me. I am not one to be out in bars or looking for hookups. She told me that every relationship she had been in ended because she was cheated on. That was the root of almost every single fight. No matter how much i tried to put her fears at ease didnt matter. It was either my ex wife or my sister in law or total strangers. I was sleeping with them all according to her. It was very sad to be accused of that several times a week in full blown rages.

In reality i was more enmeshed in her sons life than my daughters. Picking him up everyday after schooll, basketball games and practice 3 or 4 days a week. Nothing made her happy. When it came time i had to deal with my ex wife regarding medical treatment or issues she acted like an animal. I truly dont believe she s had one good relationship after the hineymoon period ended.

That is really sad for her not to trust anyone and very hard to cope with on your end.   

Did she ever try therapy, things like EMDR, DBT, CBT?

I don't see where you were enmeshed, then. Whatever fear your BPD ex was having was so big for her that she obviously couldn't deal with. It sounds like she has PTSD and a ton of anxiety. She was triggering massively off of you. Did you ever spend time over on the improving board here, learn about validation and so on?

If you still feel such attachment and want to understand better for your own well being, having a look at the lessons there can bring some understanding.

She was diagnosed as being bipolar. However she thought she had no issues and therefore refused any treatment other than taking her lamictal which she was prescribed. I honestly beleived what triggered the breakup was the ivf. From October 1 st until the day it ended i saw someone i didn't know. This was a repeat of 2013 when we tried the original ivf. She went into 6 weeks of rage and on the day of that procedure cancelled it. I believe this triggered major engulfement issues. She s never lived with anyone besides her and her son. Every time i was going to move in the craziness went off the chart. I told her this time i needed to move in and she threw me out 3 times in 10 days in October.

She often told me that every man in her life left her. That included the death's of her father and stepfather and every relationship ended badly. I know her sons father and one other boyfreinds relationship ended badly and that she was involved in physical fights with both of them.

I realize this all is quite painful. And it hurts to question why we spent years with someone who can toss us to the curb.

My exBPD partner ended our 5 year realtionship at Christmas without a word - just cut off all communication.  He had been a constant for 5 years not just for me, but my 82 year old dad.  Now my dad has been hospitalized twice recently and not so much as a word.  His family members are aware and are supportive, but he is silent.  It hurts so very much!

Take care of your heart, and that daughter of yours.  I will be sending prayers your way. YOu are not alone, friend.