BPDFamily.com

As many of you know I have been involved with a divorce from my wife of almost 18 years.  We went to mediation and settled out the parenting plan and she has agreed to it.  However, now she is making noise that she wants to make changes.  I sent her a settlement offer on the property that my lawyer and I worked on to make it as fair as possible.  The thought being that is where the judge is going to put it anyway.  He would know because a couple of days after that he himself took the bench. My concern is that she is very triggered and recently broke up with her boyfriend.  Considering her current state and the fact that she can't stick to agreements we put a time limit on the offer and I have begun to prepare the case for trial. I will be switching to another lawyer that was hand selected by my previous attorney for his trial skills, aggressiveness and "talents" in deposing people.  I would like for her to settle but I don't think she has it in her to be rational or fair.  So it is off to court and the deposition process will begin soon.  Honestly, it would be better for all of us her, me and most importantly my kids.  However, I will not allow her to manufacture value to her benefit or ignore value so she can get more money to feed her impulsiveness and habits.  I do feel bad for her but in the end I will protect myself from her volatile behavior.  She has been cyber stalking  me and texting the me to no end.  So it is pretty clear that she is extremely triggered and very emotional.  I go and pay the retainer from my new attorney this week and bring all of my years of documentation to him.  Honestly, I think he wants to go to trial after our last conversation as he does not like to negotiated child support that I agreed to with her. 

My question is has anyone ever settled with one of these people.  Do they ever do the math and figure out the only person they are hurting is themselves?  Or is it that they are willing to burn down their own house just at a shot of hurting someone else?  I know all the dirt she has on me and my lawyers have been briefed and do not feel concerned.  She needs to settle or things are going to go very badly for her.  Do they ever come to their senses?

My ex failed mediation as well as the ordered settlement conference.  She was too entitled and controlling.  With all the continuances, manufactured delays and various required steps for divorce, etc, it took almost 2 years to get to the Trial Day.  However, when I arrived, minute before trial was to begin, I was informed she was finally ready to settle.  Why only then?  Her favorable temp order couldn't be extended any longer and only then would she consider settling.  (I later found out her lawyer told her she'd probably lose.)

Good that you have a time limit on your offer.  PwBPD and other acting-out PDs are predictable in that they see a reasonable offer as merely a starting point to demand more and more.  That's the problem with reasonable offers, you need to keep some things up your sleeves so you have some things to give up so she feels she won.

If your spouse is entitled or controlling, you may face that scenario.  Hopefully not two years as I did, of course.  Good that you and your lawyer know negotiating alone won't work and the best "carrot & stick" combo has you resolutely going (ASAP) to court for, potentially, the judge to decide.  But prepared that along the way, probably closer to a big hearing or trial date looming, she may finally be reasonable.  After all, most cases, yes even ours, end up with settlements.

But be forewarned, the crumbs a controlling spouse is willing to grant you are probably much less than a court would order.  It's not just the obvious division of assets, debts, custody and parenting, other factors are the legal fees and repeated delays, as you are finding out.

I have told myself if some comes back with something way off the mark I am just moving to the court option.  I am 100% committed to seeing it through and using every legal option to fight.  I have had enough of the games over the past 20 years.  If it needs to go two years so be it!  It will be terrible for her but I don't think she can see that.  I will not settle for just to end it.  I want a divorce but it needs to be the right divorce.

‘Never interfere with an enemy while he’s in the process of destroying himself.’ Napoleon Bonaparte

Well, it's a judicial system, not a justice system.  We have counselors to help with emotions.  As LnL writes, Gah!

Mine took that long because she had temp custody and temp majority parenting time.  No way was she going to Let Go until she had to.  I had to ask my lawyer to keep the case moving along.  Each continuance stretched the case out a month or two.  We had hearing for temp order, mediation, parenting investigation, custody evaluation, settlement conference and finally Trial Day, each taking 3-5 months.

If they come back asking for the case to be put on hold while they ponder and whatever, best to say, "No, the court schedule stays on, whatever you propose or offer, fine, we'll review, but the case isn't pausing."  Yes, they can delay but try to put a limit to it.

Settlements at the last minute "on the court house steps" are not unusual.  Often they don't get realistic until the last moment when there is no other choice but settle or go before the judge.  Does she want to avoid exposure in court or testimony?

I know this is a control issue with her and that it is part of who she is but she cheated and filed now she won't leave me alone?  Court and deposition becomes more attractive all the time to just get my side of the story out.  I am looking forward to that at least.

You have a teen and a pre-teen so the parenting and custody issues will be factors as well.  I think they've been mostly with you?  Then hold to that parenting pattern.  That majority time is one of the best scenarios for the children.  Understand that if a settlement does happen then the children come before your validation (as not being the one behaving poorly).

Is she wanting more parenting time?  If so, one reason could be that she wants to preserve a Public Face as Mother.  Another possibility is that if she wants child support then they'd need to be with her more.

Mentioned here sometimes is a reality you will face but perhaps not to the extent many others here have... .The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.

More updates, she has begun smear campaign number 2 and tried to get in touch with my parents.  I had my lawyer send her lawyer a letter telling her to stop contacting family.  She is also trying to convince my kids that I tried to break into her garage.  This is strangest thing considering that 1) I don't care to go into her place 2) I am the landlord and if I wanted in I would call a locksmith 3) I have never ever done anything like that in the past.  Furthermore, why would I expose myself to that kind of legal risk?  I have less than zero interest in that building and what could I possibly gain from being in there?  More empty allegations trying to build a case or just straight up paranoia?  I am having a security system put in my place as a precaution. 

My lawyer wanted to pull the settlement and proceed to court but I have held it off until Monday.  If she doesn't settle then so be it but I will be in her best interests to avoid court.  I have had 3 lawyers review the case and they are all very confident.  I just don't want to drag my kids through all the drama.

Your kids will most likely be relieved that the process is moving forward and glad to be getting free of the roller coaster of BPD.

ehartma5, sounds like you have a good attorney which is most imortant.  In my case, after 27 yrs, yes I'm the mother who got stay in the house, and have 55% custody.  But none of it was handed to me just because I'm the mother.  (First L said if I left the house , I would have abandoned it and kids so stay. second L said that would not have been the case.  It would of been better in the long run for me to leave and have H buy me out latter.  ) First L agreed to xh 's L request to have a GAL for the kids ... .to protect them from me... .Second L and custody L ( in same law firm) said that wasn't necessary and it did a lot of damage.   H chumed up with the GAL.  GAL told me in the courthouse, that the kids told him that they want nothing to do with me and want to live only with dad.  My L said what the GAL says goes. Total shock to hear that for the first time ... .in the courthouse... .having to make instant decisions on the fate of my children's lives.  Who were very close to me prior to filing for divorce. 

Settlement on the assets and final divorce  ... .took three years. When I first was on this site , and read that FD 's divorce took two years, I thought no way, that's an extreme case.

Being I was the mother and had 5% more custody I did receive c/s. I did request no support but all involved said that doesn t happen.  Ok so  I got support. Then h didnt pay and wanted modification in support right away.  During settlement talks they tried to get lump sum spousal support from me. I didn't want to involve child support with asset division.  So I offered no child support from him but then no spousal support from me. It was delicned bcause they also wanted me to wipe away 6k in back child support from h.  Settlement went to a hearing , then a trial which minutes before a settle was agreed on. If I didn't it would drop on a least six months more with a judge making a decisison only looking at numbers not the full story.

now H did get his modification in support... .thru a hearing with L's involved $.  ( this is after the three years of the divorce process ) The support got lowered , I paid the med ins and majority of med expenses. H appealed it... .so I had to go to trial... .I offered again no child support, but it was declined bcause h wants his lump sum spousal support. That was over five months ago... .no decisison yet, so I'm going on four years of this. 

I'm sorry for giving too much information and rambling . I'm not good at summarizing.  But I had to give an idea of the why it took three plus years.

You started the process though which is good!

Got her counter offer today. Going to court.

My lawyers and I have decided it is worth the risk to go to court.  My current lawyer said that it was less of an offer and more of a game.  I have already paid an extra retainer to the lawyer negotiating the settlement and put another with me trial lawyer. We are going to court because I do not feel like she can be reasonable and the only thing that can be done is have a judge tell what I already know.  There are three sides to the story but mine is well documented in her own words and deposition will be very uncomfortable for her.  I will not be responsible for her profligate spending and poor behavior.  My children have made it clear to both her and me they do not want to live with her.  No court is the only option left and I am 100% committed to seeing this through regardless of time or cost.  The final offer goes out today and it just like the last offer follows the law and fair.  I am willing to spend $12,000 on court and legal fees and have to give something up.  Even those numbers leave me in a better position. If she wanted to be in a better position financially she should not have gone out and spent her huge amount of cash on booze, pills, men and bars. 

I was in and out of court repeatedly for years when my son was 3 to 11 years old.  Although the Custody Evaluator (2007) and his GAL (2011 & 2013) met with him when necessary, he only met the magistrate (2013) when he was 11.  In general, courts don't try to see younger kids in court, they leave that to the evaluators and GALs (Guardian ad Litem — children's lawyer).

However, the disordered misbehaving parent typically does try to pressure and sway the children or even alienate them from the other parent.  That is a real concern.

Children typically don't want to get caught in the middle, sometimes to the point of not disclosing the parents' poor behaviors or siding with the poorly behaving parent to reduce the pressure.

Oh, and don't discount starting counseling for the children.  Courts like counseling.  Just make sure the misbehaving parent doesn't sabotage the counseling.

Yes the GAL we take the brunt of it.  I am sure the judge will ask them what they want.  It is unfortunate that she can't see what it will be like for them but she will not be reasonable so there is little option.  She had them this week for spring break and switched it at the last minute.  My youngest son tried to call her and she didn't answer so my guess is she had plans.  The kids do not come first for her so she won't care what they go through. 

Regarding trying to change their opinions she has tried but they don't buy her stories.  In fact, my oldest son said he is tired of mom putting him in the middle and listening to her say things about me.  i how she gets a boyfriend soon it will get her focused on something other than me. 

I have thought it out and my emotions really aren't that high.  It is down to calculated risk and her inability to settle.  She has done one ridiculous move after another and all have been expected and responded to inmediately.  She is not thinking rationally and I don't think her lawyer is helping her much.  Her "counter offer" made clear that she does not understand the process. So the only way to finish this is court if she doesn't come to her senses.  As I have said before I am 100% committed and have already paid my trial attorney.  Also her lawyer knew it was not right since I heard her yell at her legal secretary saying "how could you let me send this out?".

My offer was fair, equitable and in line with the laws.  I think since she is blowing her money partying she feels I am responsible for picking up the tab. This will not happen.  I will not enable her self-destructive behaviors.   I did offer her extra money to settle and that is all I am going to give.  My negotiations are over.

So she decided to accept the settlement but is constantly trying to add terms.  I am currently out of town and she was making noise about my sons having keys to get into the house.  She is commonly triggered by me being out of town.  She has gotten in the house before when I am out of town.  I don't know if it is her trying to cause me frustration since I can't stop it or if she just can't help herself.  I think she assumes that my business travel is some big party.  This time my attorney made clear there will be no accessing the house while I am gone.  My security system is being installed soon and as an added measure motion cameras have already been installed.  If she gets in I will know it. 

I will update everyone after I get back in town.

Do you have a garage door?  If so, then you don't need keys, garage door openers in recent years have been manufactured to be compatible with remote keypads.

I was concerned about giving my son keys to the house, that she might copy them.  Evidently that never happened.  He would once in a while forget them, then I had to have relatives or neighbors step in to help him get inside since I was away at work.  In time my brother asked me, "Why don't you get a garage door opener keypad to attach just outside the garage door?"  It was a $30 solution.  No more fear of keys lost or copied.  No more hassling others.  Yes, she could get the code but I could easily change the code when necessary.

Hi kaishamikas. I'm fairly new to the recovery but not the mind numbing experience of dealing with someone with a PD. my ex is more NPD than BPD so I hope what I say will help. I must stress this is my experience. I've read several topics on this site where people came to agreements with the former spouse. With me this is not so. 100% difficult 100% of the time. It's not about what's right, it's about winning and they will lie and create any kind of heartache to win. I'm very sorry I don't sound positive, I am a positive thinking person happy in my life but after 12 years of dealing with a person with a PD I have learned that absolutely nothing good ever comes out of dealing with them but heartache. If they are being nice it has a sinister outcome every time. How low can they go? Lower than a snakes belly. I was dying from a brain tumour, she came to my side, I was elated, thought she saw the light, family and friends saw different but stayed out of it. She took full advantage of the situation and her heartless discard of me after I recovered from the surgery crushed me. I do not mean to make this about me. I'm not using this as a vent, I am just giving an example of there ruthlessness. i now listen to the advice given to me. Never trust the PD, do not give an inch, document every thing. I sound like the Dr of doom but I am only being honest based on my experience. They are vampires, you said she broke up with her BF. I'm sure you know this but re enforcement is always good to hear. Don't react, don't be a source for her. Get a punching bag or grab an axe go to the wood pile and start on next winters wood. Get the frustration out and replaced with positive energy. ive been dealing with my ex for 8 years in court and its not over yet. Good luck and don't let her win the emotional battle.

Bus Boy thanks for the response.  I do sometimes feel bad for her but when that happens I remember how happy she was the night she came home after meeting her boyfriend (I knew at the time but she didn't have a clue that I knew.) and how happy she was when she came home from the bar and I told her to get out.  She was excited and said that she still wants to be friends, go on family vacations together and come to my families holiday parties.  Absolutely delusional or maybe she just though she had me that trained.  There is also the time when she was smug about child support when she thought I would be paying her for being an every other weekend mom.  She ended up paying and did not want the kids until she found out I was not paying her.  Everything is a game with her and nothing is real.  I am not giving an inch to her on anything.  Those days are over.  I am an empath by nature so sometimes I hate doing it but I know it is best for me and the children that she knows her boundaries.  It is unfortunate for her as well since she was raised by a monster who destroyed both her and her brother.  Her brother also abandoned his family and in fact would not go to his daughters wedding.  

I'm sorry to hear about your issues and hope you feel better.  Sadly, I do believe your story about your ex showing kindness while you were sick.  They feed on the attention and will use any opportunity to find advantage. I don't think they ever get better and if it happens it is a rare case.  I think we should all be glad we are not like them.  It must be a horrible existence to live life empty and sad all the time.