BPDFamily.com

trying to figure out how to best parent - my DD has exhibited signs for years (cutting, self loathing, outbursts) but was never properly diagnosed. Tried DBT but the place was a bad fit and we are now just seeing a therapist to try and get her out of crisis and open her up to DBT skills. I have so many questions - 1) I monitor her texts, but what do I do when I find out she's done something wrong (drinking, smoking pot) and she denies it? or when she tells me she doesn't feel well and can't go to school and then I see in her texts that it was all a lie to make me feel bad for her? And what about my other children? What's the best way to explain to them that she breaks rules because she can't help herself, but they need to follow them? Feeling helpless.

Hey 473harman,

I understand how confused you must feel. I'm glad you found the site and I hope you learn as much as you need here.

We teach people how to treat us. When DD breaks rules that you set for her, and you don't give her consequences, you are teaching her that she doesn't have to follow your rules. Or worse, that drinking and smoking pot is ok in general.

Enforce the rules and boundaries you set. They are there to help your daughter, not to punish her.

-8days

473harman   

Figuring out the consequences and then being consistent in enforcing them is hard for me too. My BPDDD, now 30, resists it all and I get worn down. She has other limitations so is still living in our home. Do you have access to therapy for yourself to have a place to get support? Both with your own needs, and for parenting skills around boundaries. Sometimes it sure helps to have that objective person in the mix.

It is good your D is seeing a therapist now with a focus on 'being open to DBT".  From my experience with my DD30 there has to be ownership of the need for this treatment for benefit to be gained. In the meantime, your might gain some insight from the tools in the sidebar to shift your responses to her behaviors. These tools have made a huge difference to improve my relationship with everyone in my family. I have to meet my own needs first though to have access to the tools.

Happy to have you here. Keep us posted on how things are going.

qcr Carol

Hi 473harman,

I believe enforcing boundaries are needed.  I can't say I've been able to do this with my own BPD daughter.  We tried DBT a few times and it helped some.  The pushing of boundaries was so intensive and escalated we ended up placing her in a therapeutic boarding school.  She is currently 18 and constantly talks about pulling herself.  She does admit that when we first enrolled her she needed to be there; however, at that time she didn't feel that way.

In hindsight I wish both my H and I could have been more on the same page on enforcing boundaries, this is still a struggle.  I don't know if it would have helped.  We did our best to involve her in positive activities that she enjoyed, placed her in a good school and etc., with no avail.  I'm still unsure if we are doing right by her, but doing our best.

I've been working on my validation skills and focus on listening.  Each time I have a call with her I write down "listen listen understand", which I learned from the book "I don't have to make everything all better".

Good Luck to you!

Validation and boundary setting I'm learning are key when dealing with BPD kids. Validate her feelings and make good eye contact giving her your undivided attention when speaking.  Set rules/boundaries and do not give empty threats.  Make sure she knows there are consequences for her actions. I used to be quite the pushover, now I am more respected by her because I've toughened up a bit (lots of reading and therapy).