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One of the major problems that I recognized in my behavior is that I listened to my dBPDexGF, about her characteristics, and based on that - I idealized her. I didn't observe her behavior in an appropriate way.

I think it is actually one of the narcissistic traits in me, I automatically assume that I know 'something about something', and I disconnect myself in the respect of actually observing that.

So, things that she said and that I took for granted:

"I really believe that I can love in a special way. My feelings are extreme. I would do anything for a person that I love" - I believed this. It is actually true (but it lasts like 3 minutes  :)). And this is something that caused my hard detachment phase. I didn't want to lose this... .

"I feel so strong empathy. I literally cry when I see someone hurt". I misinterpreted empathy with sympathy. I thought that she is an angel. I wanted that someone feels that also for me when I am hurt.

Things about integrity, how loyal she is etc.  Again, I listened, I didn't observe the reactions in a right way.

Things that she did for her friends, sometimes she did really beautiful things, but now I see that all of these things were done in the context that other see that she did them. For example, if there is a big audience that will see her action/gift/something, she will make it 'big'. In other cases, not so much, if anything. So, if she can get huge validation, she will do this. I believe we all have these traits in some extent, but this was an extreme case.

'Making sacrifice for others' - I also recognized this as very nice characteristic in her personality. For example, if some friend was in a trouble, 'she will do anything' to help her. But again, she would talk very nasty things about this friend earlier/before.

etc. etc.

So, now when I look at her behavior I see a lot of B$, things that are not consistent, things that I took for granted just by listening her words and accepting them as a fact.

When I realized this, it this it eases my detachment process... .

She is someone different, not the person that I imagined. In one way, this is a good thing. But also - it is a warning for me - I need to work on my inner self and recognize why did I do this idealization phase. Don't worry, I am in therapy and already working on this.  :thought:

Did you experience something like that?

 

That's pretty much exactly my dynamic as well (without the crying part). When we are in these relationships, the idealization phase effects us to such a degree, that we lose site of all the other negative behaviors that go on around us (at least I did anyway). Like you, I am working with a therapist as well to try and get a handle on why I did what I did, why I felt like I felt, and the role I played in this (and yes my role was significant).

Ironic that I am going to therapy and she refuses (well maybe no so ironic).

I relate to this a lot, blackbirdsong. I feel like the seeds of our relationship's demise were there from our very first date, I just chose to believe otherwise. I'm reflective about that, but not self-critical - I guess that's how I know that I'm actually learning my lesson(s)!

Mine laid down some pretty huge  red-flag statements right out of the gate! I just didn't want to believe them, and didn't project them out into the future as things that could be problematic. That's a thing people do, especially when we're hooked on those delicious love drugs.

I overlooked a lot too, and in certain respects I idealized my ex. I felt like I was basking in rays of warmth, adoration and true love, and I saw him through that glow.

I believed the things he told me about himself even though they were contradicted by his actions. For instance, he believes he is a super nice, kind guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. That's not how he acts.

Looking back I can see a lot of  red-flag that I ignored, minimized or discounted. Such as... .

* He never had a long-term relationship. He's in his 50s.

* All of his previous girlfriends turned out disappointing to him. 

* None of his break-ups were his fault.

* He would switch from self-deprecation to blame in a minute.

* What looked like boyishness was actually immaturity.

* He was incredibly flaky, late for everything, and blew work deadlines.

* He had a short fuse towards others, such as drivers, or people smoking in public. He was completely unable to recognize this was inappropriate. Since he didn't direct the anger towards me at first I discounted it.

* He showed a lot of entitlement, from expecting special treatment at work to expecting someone to give him a new job.

* He was genuinely convinced he knew the "right" way to do everything. 

I think if I had been a healthier person I would have stepped back from this person and asked myself some hard questions about how much a good match he was for me and my kids. Instead I kept buying into his own myth. I so wanted those moments of love and adoration, the way I felt during the first six months when I was being idealized.

In this process, I realize now, I didn't set standards for myself. I didn't have boundaries so that when he clearly began violating them I would take action. I just kept moving the line in the sand.

My  red-flag list:

* "I need to be adored"

* "I cheated on my husband to get out of the relationship, and I cheated with my best friend's boyfriend... ."

* "... .I didn't ever tell him about that because I thought he'd deny me custody... ."

* "... .but our relationship is great now, better than it's ever been... ."

* "... .and you're going to have to be friends with him, because he's a big part of my life... ."

* "... .so I expect you to reach out to him and make friends with him... ."

* "... .and I'm not going to help you with that... ."

* "... .did I mention that we're not legally divorced?... ."

* "... .also, you're going to need to move here, because I'm not moving to be with you (daughter, family in the area, lots of legitimate reasons honestly)... ."

* "... .and you can't move in with me... ."

* "... .and I live in another country, so good luck with immigration... ."

* ... .and then blamed me when that situation wasn't exactly conducive to me moving there to be with her... .

* ... .and then claimed it was because I didn't love her THE MOST. And that I treated her "average".

One mistake I made was not following up on  red-flag

For instance, ex told me he had an affair "many" years ago. He cheated on a girlfriend with a woman he now claimed was a friend. I accepted this story, even though my gut said something was wrong. Over time I found out the affair had last over ten years, and ex had not only cheated with this woman, he treated he like dirt. My ex continued to contact and see this woman while we were together. He absolutely raged against the idea it was wrong.

Maybe we should start a separate "which  red-flag   did you ignore?" thread?

Well, I started this thread as self-reflection to my traits in this r/s. And based on your responses I believe many of us experienced the same thing. I think that can really be a beneficial thing to recognize that the person that we loved, actually doesn't exist. It is similar thing with our BPD partners, they also loved a person that doesn't exist. It is really hard to accept this fact, because it invokes strong traits in our inner self that occured during our r/s.

But I think we all can learn a lot from these r/ss and become stronger personalities.

So, everything was a lie?

No, I wouldn't say so. I believe, from both sides, it was sincere. They are not psychopaths, they felt it also.

But we just need to emotionally grow so that we can establish more stable r/s.