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Title: Validating Post by: atomic popsicles on April 08, 2016, 10:32:35 PM I have read everything I can find about validating on this site and I'd like to read more. Are there other things I can read that would be helpful? I just don't think about it when he's not raging... .I have to remember to try when he's calm... .
Title: Re: Validating Post by: Grey Kitty on April 09, 2016, 09:41:28 AM There probably is more. This article is from a book taken from a chapter about it. You might try it:
Power of Asking Validation Questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025) Better than reading more is to practice: A few ideas on how to practice: 1. Post a reply here with a bit of dialog in one of your more recent conversations with your partner. Ask about places you could have validated, or ways you could have validated more or better. 2. Practice here on these forums. Look for a new member who has just posted their story, and see if there is anything you can validate in that, and post a reply doing some validation. (You might also look at responses from other members, there might be some good examples of validation in them.) Practicing validation online like this is easier because you have the luxury of taking 5 or 10 minutes to think about what you are going to say and how to validate if you want to. When talking in person or on the phone you don't have that, and when you start it really helps! Another thing to try is watch what happens when people are validated. Lastly... .for inspiration, watch this video. While the video is called validation, what is involved is a more a mix of compliments and validation. It isn't quite a tutorial... .but that doesn't keep it from being incredibly sweet! https://youtu.be/Cbk980jV7Ao Enjoy! Title: Re: Validating Post by: Bpdsupporter on April 09, 2016, 03:29:09 PM https://youtu.be/DABarBuR2K4
I really like this video about validation from someone who actually has BPD. I used her suggestions and found instant success. It takes alot of practice and patience but it's helped improve my relationship soo much. I actually get really excited when I have to use this skill. Validation is two fold it helps your partner feel normal and being to help them feels really good. Keep on doing your research and learn all you can. Peace to ya! Title: Re: Validating Post by: waverider on April 09, 2016, 06:22:02 PM Practice with everyone, even the store keeper. That way it becomes natural and fluent, part of your caring personality.
I set myself a task for a while once. Everyone I interacted with in daily life I made a point of saying one extra comment past the essential interchange. Keep it to the one comment dont get all creey and try to start conversations with everyone. Doing that acknowledges they exist as a person not just as a facilitator for the exchange. Even if just a bland comment about the weather. The habit has stuck and it made an amazing difference to getting on with people. Better to learn this skill in an environment that is not so precious. These are your lessons in preparation for the real test. Stepping up to the test of "text book validation" when you are a complete novice is not just a noticeable abrupt change but has the potential to be patronizing and actually invalidating. If in doubt start off focusing on not being invalidating, as that undermines everything. |