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I think I've been making progress on the co-sleeping. I was most concerned about D3 (who's turning 4 in three weeks). If she wanders in at 5am, that's ok. I get up before 7am when they are here.

Last week, S6 went to my bed after I put them to sleep in their room. I was sitting on the back porch. When I went to bed, I slept with them for a while. My son awoke crying, talking about a nghtmare. I held him close. Later, I left to sleep in their room. Two kids in a queen bed is too much.

S6 told me the next morning that the nightmare was a tornado, and robots (naturally), and I was trying to protect him, but he felt I was going to die. He's been obsessing about this dream for a week. "I can't stop thinking about it Daddy, can you pray for me?"

Tonight, it was the same. However, he said that he was going to die before me. I told him that parents typically die before their children, because older people die first. That this was natural.

I guess what I get from this is that he's afraid of losing me. This seems heavy stuff for a barely 6 year old...

My son also became aware of his and my mortality at about that age and yes it was very hard. He seemed to be depressed about learning that we all die in the end. He also began to have fears of going to sleep at that age because he was worried he would not wake up.

Praying helps, it gives them a sense of having a bigger force in charge and control over life and death. It also helped to have a talk about heaven as the next place to go instead of just "we don't know".

This is tough stuff, not sure he ever really got passed it, just came to accept it. It's very higher level thinking. We didn't know at the time my son was gifted. Turns out he was so gifted that his life was to be fraught with things like this.

Finding other high level things for him to keep his mind busy definitely helped. Reading, computer games, a musical instrument etc. keeps a worried mind from wondering into scary territories. Best of luck!

Ok, so Sunflower's paranoid transference alert: :sign_attn:  When SD 9 had thoughts like this it was because mom was alienating her and she was aware of mom's attempts to destroy us in court or other plots against us.

Ok, so now that I have admitted my bias... .sigh

I still wonder if S6 is expressing a fear of stability in life.  

There was a recent move of mom?  Maybe an approaching move again of mom, or at least her expressing they shouldn't have moved?  Your mom left the home.

I love that your son was scared and offered you the solution, to help pray with him.  How mature!  This sounds like maybe a good opportunity to express things in prayer together that are supportive.  I wonder what about prayer makes him feel secure? That someone bigger is protecting him? That he shares it with you?  That he can take it wherever he goes?  Can he express this to you so you help facilitate that presence in the prayer? Or find out by having him voice a prayer?

Another thought is if he may need some 'transitional object' to feel stronger and secure.  However, I really like prayer as no one can take it away from him and is universally accepted.  Maybe offer to him via phone, when he is away, "When I am praying tonight for xyz, is there anything else I should pray for?"


This looks like an opportunity to work on validation vs 'fixer mode.'

Fact: He may likely feel like he is going to die before you, this is a very real and very scary feeling.

Sunflower's transference alert: :sign_attn: Often SD9 felt so much pressure from mom, she felt like she would implode.  To tell her it is not likely, would be missing an opportunity to validate her feeling.

Do you see an opportunity to validate his fear of dying?

If so, how would this look?

This is better than last year, when he was so angry at his mom that he told her that she wished she would run out into the street, get hit by a car and die. That prompted she calling me to discuss it. He did say something once to me like that, but he told his mom multiple times. I think it was him expressing his anger and hopelessness.

Before my BPD (and other things) mother ran away to home two weeks ago, she told me than S6 has a lot of anger. She got on his case for dropping her dog. Her time with them was no more than about 10 mins unsupervised. I never heard her yell at him. Not dropping a Chihuhua is valid. He told her that he wanted to run away.

Other than a couple of tantrums, he seemed ok yesterday. I sit out on the porch at night with my tablet. First D3 went to sleep on the couch to be closer to me. Then he came out. I've been trying to get them from taking over my bed (Friday night I slept in their room on the trundle while they were in my room).

Saturday night, however, he touched D3's private parts. We brush our teeth in the master bedroom bathroom, mostly due to extra shelf space and the sink is lower (I have a 1k sf house, small). I was brushing my teeth, and they were jumping on my bed. D3 cried out, "Brother touched my vagina!" They had their PJs on. I got on his case and told him that no one touches her there except for the doctor. He knows this. He was shamed, but didn't cry. I put them to bed as usual.

Yesterday, we were watching a movie. I was in my chair, the kids were on the for next to me being silly. He did it to her again. Just a poke. I got angry. I didn't touch him, but I pointed my finger at him and said with a stro voice, "you do NOT do that!" He started crying. He went to his room. I gave it 5 mins and went to talk to him. He was defiant meaning he was hiding under the blankets. I tried to hug him, but he was resisting me, hitting a little. After a while, he was ok. At least there was no more death talk yesterday, but there's other stuff going on.

I don't have any words of wisdom about how best to validate your sons fears, but I surely remember very clearly when I was about his age having those same fears (and that was a long time ago).  They really are quite terrible!  It did make it hard to sleep because of those fears as bravhart said (not to mention I was afraid of the dark!). 

And as a 20 something I began to have recurring nightmares about tornadoes and the tornadoes were always chasing me and able to find me no matter where I hid although they were never able to "get me."  I was at a point in my life where I had lots of mostly self-induced life turmoil and I finally realized that the dreams were my mind's way of trying to deal w all that turmoil.  Once I realized that, I was able to start identifying what was causing it and address it better.  Maybe try to help him identify what is causing his mind to "spin?" 

You may want to speak to a professional regarding how to handle his behaviors.  You may be inadvertently contributing to things.  Below is my understanding from attending behavior treatment for my child:

From a behavioral perspective, your approach sounds 'positively reinforcing.'

(Which is not a positive thing)

ABC's of Behavioral therapy... .

Looking at the 'yesterday' incident.

A/ Antecedent:

What was happening before the behavior that may have caused it?

(I cannot tell from your story, but it includes all events prior to behavior)   

B/ Behavior: 

He touches D3 at vagina

C/ Consequence:

(what happens after the behavior is the consequence).

S6 gets a stern voice from dad

then 5 mins alone time

then 1-1Time with dad, without D3 present

Dad tries to hug him while he is resisting the hug.

From this breakdown, S6 is getting a reward that positively reinforces his behavior.

Further:

Expressing D3 should not be touched, yet hugging S6 'against his will' may be very confusing and sends the message that it is ok to touch people against their will to receive affection for ourselves or for them.

This sounds more complicated than average parenting.  While Biomom may not agree to S6 seeing a behavioral specialist, you can see someone to learn better how to handle issues such as these.