BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

Today I have been missing him eventually (its been one and a half months since he decided to violently deinvest from the relationship, that he needs to be left alone). After the original shock, panic and excruciating pain in various parts of my body, I have started crying and do miss him. I know this is natural and I do not hold an off and on button for my feelings and representations of loved ones in my heart.

We had (during the original intense love phase) dreams of moving in together and I was going to move to his town, fulfilling a wish of living in a nice small town by the sea, with a lot of green and mountains around. Now, abruptly, I have to turn round 180 degrees, as if we have never said it. In fact he abandoned me on the day I had found out I could materialise the wish-papers now actual move in a year. He must have freaked with the closeness. Maybe he was freaked before and I could not sense it, he was hiding it.

I feel sorry that all of a sudden I have to erase from inside the dreams- it is painful, he was begging me to be one heart, to be connected physically. I spent a million hours listening to how beautiful it would be to work by the sea, to share land together, to have a boat together. How could someone not mean what they say? I;ve got such a sensitive spot there, it hurts badly. How can I throw away my own wishes too? I had invested too, and I meant it all, how can I transform myself overnight in someone without all these inside?

I know how difficult it is to let go of a dream.  I shared a very personal childhood dream with my ex.  She was the only person I had ever shared that dream with, and together it became our dream.  

Now she is gone and it feels like she took that dream with her.  That doesn't mean I can't still have a dream though, it will just have to be a dream that doesn't include her in it.  It is hard to accept that she won't share that dream with me. 

I know it is hard and don't think you have to "transform myself overnight", you don't.  It takes times to heal.  Allow yourself that time, don't try to rush it.  

You are right indeed Stein for not needing to overcome it overnight. It takes time. I just find it hard to accept that he has erased all these overnight. Very hard. As time goes by, I think he has not. It must have been fading away for some months, reality was overwhelming for him and he was just buying time. I think every time we had an invitation for holidays he would say 'lets see how it goes' rather than show enthusiasm about it like in the beginning. I suppose I have to face it, the fact is that what he wanted the most, ended up being the most scaring for him, whilst at the same time it was becoming a dream come true for me... .

God, I feel for you. Do keep your dream inside, it is invaluable and noone can take it away. Right now it is still fresh for me to be able to wishful think again, but I expect my wishful thinking self to wake up again at some point.

A good friend of mine also told me that he would say in his face if they met that he didn't deserve me. Maybe she didn't deserve you too. At some point my ex boyfriend had told me his fear that he would be too little for me, I think that maybe an answer to why he run away, of course leaving me hurt. Maybe she run away from you Stein for a similar reason.