BPDFamily.com

Hello all!

I've been reading these forums for a couple of weeks now and they are helping. However today has been really hard and I feel very anxious and a tightening in my chest. So I decided to tell my story to see if anyone has been through similar (I'm assuming) or has advice once you have been "ghosted".

I dated my ex for 4 months, long story short we knew eachother from 4 years before. We have a lot of the same friends, and live in a small beach town so we run into eachother frequently at the bars. I moved away for a year and came back after getting out of a relationship. He travels a lot for work and when he got back in town we rekindled our friendship that quickly escalated into a romantic relationship. We had hooked up in the past but this was something new... .he was very attentive, wanted to hang out 24/7, texted/called, followed up, his mom was in town the next week and introduced us. We hung out mulitiple times during her visit. Now I'm a little on the needy/attention side so I was loving all this attention! My ex had never given me what I had needed so I was feeling on cloud 9. He wanted me to stay over every night, told his friends I was his girlfriend in the first week, got me a toothbrush, loofa, wanted all of my time. I loved it because it was nice to have someone so attentive to you. He held my hand, took me out to dinners, we both love going out, etc. He's very sociable, loving, life of the party.

Now don't get me wrong, he is a little quirky, which I would blow off because he was so great, and I definitely had that voice in my head saying "something is wrong"... .but it would be when he was making me breakast, or we were cuddling. So I obviously shut that voice off because he was being so perfect. There were times weird situations would happen, for instance once we came home from the bars and I talked to his roomate and this girl he had with for about 5 minutes asking how their night was, when I returned to his bedrom, he was all angry. When I asked why he said "you'd rather hang out with them, than me!". I blew situations like that off all of the time because he was really good to me. There was other stuff, like kind of feeling I was walking on eggshells sometimes, couldn't voice things, etc. Or he would get mad if I wasn't walking right next to him at the grocery store. But like I said, I shoved all of this under the rug because he treated me like a princess. He even flew me home to meet his family over Christmas, which his mom said was a huge deal, he had never done that before. He said he loved me all the time, I helped  him pick out a house he recently bought.

So fast forward to him having to leave for work for 6 weeks. Immediately after he left, he turned cold and moody on the phone. Going minutes without speaking or getting flustered and annoyed then usually hanging up on me. I was very taken aback because that is not usually how people I date go about phone conversations, but this was like a dr. jekel/hyde of the loving boyfriend I was usually around. He always said I was "interrogating" him or if I was just explainging my feelings, would say "oh F me, I'm the bad guy", which I would be like "no you are amazing and great, this is just how I am feeling right now". We would text all day and it would be fine, but it was that nightly phonecall where he would turn cold and moody and normally the call would end in a hang up. Which basically made me want to pull my hair out.

We had booked a trip to meet in a city close to him after 3 weeks, figured it's what we needed and I brushed off his demenour of him missing me and being frusterated. The week before I could tell he was kind of pushing me away, but met me in Chicago anyways. Weekend was a blast, friends loved him, everything was good. He dropped me off at the airport, told me to get messaging so we could talk on the plane, said really sweet things the whole way home.

Well two days after that trip, he got all moody/cold/silent on the phone again, hung up, so I called him back where he flipped out and hung up AGAIN. Tired of all this nonsense I texted him "This is done, please don't contact me, this isn't working anymore". Obviously out of anger/frustration. Plus, not like this is healthy but we have both thrown "this is done' out before. Everytime he comes back with "this isn't what I want, I love you". In the morning, there was no text, so I figured he was angry still or busy. I wrote him this long email telling him he was amazing, I loved him, but the awkward phone calls are killing are relationship. I noted my faults too and said that I apologized for saying please do not contact me that was childish and that I loved him and let's work on the future. Texted him that I emailed him, no response. (mind you I'm not even worried at this point because we've never gone a day or couple of hours without talking)... .called him that evening... .no answer, started texting "please talk to me, is this what you want, just let me know, etc"... .wellllll long long story short it has been THREE weeks and no reponse. I have stayed calm and level headed in all of my messages. Never lashing out, just saying "if you ever loved me or cared for me just please let me know what is going on", then I tried short and sweet "have a good morning, I love you, thinking about you", then I would let a couple days go by and still NOTHING. I reached out to his mom who said he hadn't told her yet, and tried to reach out to friends to see if this was "typical" behavior of when he gets mad. Well he's back in town now, friends have seen him out, he hasn't responded to any texts/calls/emails, crying voice mails. My last text just said "I know you are back and I know that it is over, we started off as friends and would like to remain friends on some level... .blah blah blah, then mentioned that I have stuff at his house and if we could meet to exchange." Obviously no answer. His mom confirmed that two days ago when she asked about me he told her he broke up with me and didn't want to go into details. I know he has BPD after doing extensive research and just hearing the feedback from his mom, friends, etc. But I just want to know if he will EVER come around to talk to me. Like I said we live in a small beach community and go to the same places. How will he react when he sees me in person?

Ugh... .BPD sucks

Hi Silent BPD,

Welcome!

This is very much like my last (second) breakup with my exbfwuBPD. I initiated a breakup after he engaged in unacceptable behavior, then he basically disappeared after saying I was right and "deserved better". I did go back to online dating shortly thereafter, but kept reaching out to my ex, because I wanted to be with him and also make sure he was ok. After 3 devastating weeks of me texting regularly, leaving voicemails every couple of days, and a couple of conversations, he unequivocally told me to move on. I didn't think I'd hear from him again. Ever.

(That same day I had a first date with my now boyfriend.)

Silence for about three weeks. Then, my ex started reaching out. You can see the escalation of you look at my old posts.

I still love him, and miss him terribly. Which is why I keep coming here. In my head I'm almost certain that he is incapable of a healthy LTR, and was telling me the truth when he said, before ghosting, that I "deserve so much more than [he] can give"

It sounds like the same may be true for you. It's hard because it makes no sense. You can see how you would both be happy if he could just behave somewhat rationally... .just a bit closer to "normal." 

Has he been diagnosed BPD?  That's what's hard for me. Intellectually I'm sure he is BPD. It's the only explanation that makes sense, he meets the criteria, and his behavior is entirely consistent with it. But, I have aching doubts: "what if I'm wrong", because my decision to be completely done with him hinged on my conclusion that he can't really change. That's true, if it is BPD, and based on the posts here, I am so lucky to have found this board, spotted the pattern, and gotten out after 9 months & only one breakup/makeup cycle.

Hi Ab123,

Thank you for the reply, no he hasn't been diagnosed, but just after everything that I've read and comments his mom/friends have made about, "walking on egg shells with him", you know how *blank* is... .don't want to ruffle the feathers". Plus he's military and his dad committed suicide a couple years back. From what I've gathered, his dad was very controlling growing up.

I just keep trying to wrap my head around it all, re-reading all of our messages, where he's sweet and nice. But that day before last hang up, he picked a fight. I could tell, he got mad I didnt' tell him I was done with spin class. I could feel he was pushing me away ever since he left for his work trip. Wouldn't say 'I love you getting off the phone', even after I called him out for it. I went out once, letting him know, and the next day he proceeded to call me 'shady' and a 'liar'. It literally was like I was dating a completely different person. Then I would get so mad/frusterated and he would just magically poof get over it and want to be 'normal'. Then when I would say things like " well it's important to me that you don't think I'm being shady or a liar" he would get mad because I didnt' want to drop it. I just felt like I couldn't communicate with him. That's what my big long email was about. Nothing was ever attacking or bullying.

I just don't get how he can say he loves me, fly me to Chicago, then two days later disregard me like yesterdays trash? (which I actually did text to him). On one text message that wasn't mean, but brutally honest I said "Your behavior is cowardly, immature, controlling, and I will not tolerate this silent abuse anymore". Obviously no response.

I just don't get what the silence is proving/doing? Like I said we live in a small community, I'm going to run into him. I have so much anxiety all of the time since he's been back.

I guess back to my initial paragraph before I started rambling, is that I need to not analyze, or re-read messages. I am a logical person and I dealing with an illogical person. At the end of the day, this has nothing to do with me.

SilentBPD, I relate to so much of this. Sometimes I wonder if men aren't more skewed to this particular kind of blow-off? I felt like I was going totally insane for months, trying to reconcile what was happening with the person I thought I knew so well. I'd look at his old emails and texts and blog posts and wonder, "How could this be the same person?" One answer is that (as you suggest) he's not the same person. He was vulnerable when I knew him, like a hermit crab between shells. Once he found that new shell, he was like, What, are YOU still here? So... .what does the silence mean? I can't say--in your case or in mine. My feeling is that he just wants to pretend I don't exist and never existed, because that means he doesn't have to confront his shame about me.

I guess I don't have any answers for you. Just commiseration.

"I am a logical person and I dealing with an illogical person. At the end of the day, this has nothing to do with me."

Recognizing this is huge. I know it's hard to completely internalize. That's where I find this board helpful, and why I keep coming back. Just reading you reach the conclusion about your situation helps me with mine. It's easier to see when it's someone else. Thank you.

Thanks, I'm glad I could help :) It's hard, but staying busy, working out, eating healthy, sleeping, just trying to be a normal person.

It really just has hit me hard since he is back in town now. I thought that even with his disorder that coming back into town and going to his apartment, seeing my stuff, toothbrush, loofa, some clothes hanging in the closet, a note I left in his bathroom he's kept... .would sort of 'trigger' him to reach out. When he was gone for work, he wasn't in reality, he was away in a little bubble surrounded by friends. I think it's been hard to deal that he came back to reality, I'm not there, and it doesn't seem to bother him.

So, what I've taken from my research (even though this isn't about me), but that he really did love me, he just got too close so he pushed me away. Maybe it was a trigger, or something else, but in the long run I did nothing wrong and was a great girlfriend to him. Is that what I am supposed to conclude from all of this? That I was "too great" so he pushed me away... .

Well, I don't think there's anything you're "supposed to conclude," but most people seem to find after a while that the relationship was a complicated and organic thing in which they played a role, and not always a positive one. It's true that being with a pwBPD leaves a lot less room for common human failings!

I guess I should clarify, obviously I wasn't perfect in the relationship, I meant just generally a good girlfriend to him and loved the living death out of him. I also acknowledged my faults in the email I sent him... .picking fights when we were out drinking, seeming controlling when he was out without me, etc. So it was never a blame game. I was just having normal conversation with a person I thought was normal, so when the communication never seemed to go anywhere it was confusing. I guess I'm just trying to understand why if they love someone, care about them, fly them to meet them, talk to them all day, why does the 'closeness' make them want to run. In reality then, can they ever have successful relationships? 

What you're describing sounds like a response to a feeling of "engulfment." This is where it might really help you to hang around this site, read the lessons, read people's stories, and generally educate yourself about BPD.

I mean, we can't answer the q for you, but here are some possibilities:

- Shame/fear of exposure? There may be things he feels about himself that he hopes you won't see, and the exhaustion of hiding them has gotten to him?

- Fear of abandonment? I.e. a preemptive blow?

- Maybe he's been bottling up all kinds of anger about things he never expressed, afraid to express these things because you would leave him if he did, and it just hit the fan?

- (This is a dark possibility but has to be mentioned, and it was true in my case) Maybe he's been cultivating a replacement but didn't want to dump you until he was sure he had her?

What I'm saying is, after the fact, many of us have come to realize that there were entire dramas going on in our partners' minds that we knew nothing about.



It sort of depends on your definition of success. Here's where you might look at the "staying" board to see what goes into making a relationship a success when your partner has BPD/traits.

In my own experience ST is generated by an NPD aspect. My ex did and continues to still do this. It's his way of feeling like he is in control. The more you try to pry through it, the more the person doing it to you feeds off of the energy you are putting into it.

In my situation the action was meant to hurt me as deeply as he could. Indeed he did. There has been nothing that raises my own frustration levels than to be talking to the guy ( and this happened DOZENS of times) and send a response to him on skype or IM of some sort and find that between him sending me a message and me responding, he had blocked me and nothing I ever did EVER could then get through to him and get a response until HE decided to stop the behavior.

I had a very long period where I was able to just walk off from it and let him be. Then he came looking for me, apologized, unblocked me, asked for another chance at the relationship, and within a couple of days the same stuff started up. I held up on walking away up to the point he pulled it on me completely out of the blue and I literally lost it all over the place.

I have yet to calm down about it.

In terms of offering advice to you, wait for your BPD person to come to you. If he does, keep your distance. If you just wanted to feel like there was no active upset between you and you wanted peace on that, then be cool about it, let there be peace, but really, I would discourage almost anyone these days from trying to be with someone who inflicts ST.

Thanks Daniell85!

As sad as it seems, it's like Christmas waking up to responses. With his silence, it's so comforting to talk to people who have gone through or are going through the same experiences. Today I was going to touch on when your BPD comes back around (or if), so I'm glad that you spoke to that. I heard that most BPD's do eventually come back around, it's the NPD that don't. I don't see really any NPD qualities in him that I can recognize. Not that that is giving me hope, just curious if he ever does come back around. So what kept going through my mind this morning was for anyone out there that their BPD came back around after a silent treatment... .what did they say? Did they acknowledge it? Did they say sorry, did they have any reasoning for not talking to you, did they say they missed you? I just can't imagine that he goes ALL DAY and doesn't think about me? Also, his friends and family are not happy with him either. His mom is sweet and told me that I don't deserve this and should not allow this treatment from anyone. His other close friend told me that he is pissed off at him for what he is doing. So if all of his close people around him are obviously showing displeasure in his behavior... .what is he saying to them? I know I"m searching for answers that I probably won't get, but to us normal logical people, that's what we do.

NPD does come back. They feed off of your emotions. It doesn't matter if your emotions or attention to them is really negative. From what I have seen, the more negative, the more of a charge they get off of you. The cure I see over and over for breaking NPD abuse of yourself is to go 100% no contact ( including looking at them on social media, etc) if you can.

Alternatively you can look at it that YOU really need a break from all of the chaos and simply take that break until you feel calmer yourself and then can better decide what it is you want long term.

hi SilentBPD, id like to join the others and say *welcome*

i recognize most of your questions as ones i had myself. my ex and i spent nearly every waking moment together and wed had mini "breakups" before... .how could it appear that after nearly three years, that she wasnt even thinking about me? sadly, BPD is a very serious mental illness that involves several complex defense/coping mechanisms and our exes generally do not experience the breakup in the same way that we do.

i also wondered if shed come back or if id hear from her. i sort of did, though it wasnt what i expected and was pretty anti climatic. i saw her name on the caller ID one time on my home phone. twice i received a friend request on facebook that was pretty quickly rescinded. that was it. your experience may vary, as others.

have you had an opportunity to read our article here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I want to share something my ex said once that may shed some light, maybe, on how a fear of abandonment would lead to ghosting. This insight came to me LONG after the fact, when I stumbled on one of his old emails.

At the time he wrote this to me, I had not experienced any ST or withdrawing behavior yet.

(I'm paraphrasing)

"I go into a panic when I need to set a boundary with someone, and it makes me withdraw and avoid them. [Then he gave an example in which he had been panicked about setting a boundary, but then he did, and the person didn't abandon him.] So you can set a boundary with me, Steelwork! I promise I won't abandon you."

My translation of this is:

- He needs to set a boundary.

- He fears that doing so will mean the person will abandon him.

- Instead of setting the boundary and risking that abandonment, he ghosts.

So I think it's too pat to say ST only goes with NPD, or that pwBPD never do it. Hope this helps.

As other posters here know, my ex does the silent treatment too. His pattern was to rage, be abusive, storm out (usually packing whatever he had at my place), say the most hurtful things possible, and then hole up in his house. Weeks or months would pass where he gave me the total silent treatment. It was like I simply no longer existed. He would ignore phone calls, emails, letters, everything.

I can tell you from my experience 1) this is excruciating 2) It is abusive and 3) it doesn't get better.

We tried a number of things to change the pattern, including agreements in therapy there would be no break ups. They didn't work because when he was feeling angry he was convinced I was awful and there was no going back.

I can only speak about my relationship, but my observations was my ex used the silent treatment for several reasons. One was to show me he didn't care. There was a definite punishment aspect of it. Shunning is a very primitive punishment, and the silent treatment is a form of shunning. The strongest reason I saw was it was the way he was able to blame me. He played the tragic victim, alone and sad in his house, creating narratives in his head about how his abuse was justified. These periods were ones I realized later is when he creates the story line and solidifies it.

I believe silent treatments are largely about control. Think about it. He controls when you get to see or speak to him. He controls how much contact you get. He controls the universe in the sense he can either appear in your reality or make you non-existent. More than anything he controls the story of what happened. A silent treatment by nature excludes your opinions, your feelings, your very identity and self.

Silent - I've posted the details elsewhere, so won't make a long post here. (You can see old posts by clicking on someone's name and then the link to see recent posts. Once you open a post, you can click through to a thread.)

The short answer is that my ex came back after disappearing both times. This last time, he escalated to a marriage proposal via text, in an attempt to get me to believe he won't run away again, before seeming to give up. Yes, he apologized, said he missed me... . He said everything that could possibly be said to get me to meet with him. He isn't diagnosed, but I believe he is BPD with no comorbidities except adhd.

Interesting... .

Yeah, isn't it? It stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. There were so many indications along the way that I was dealing with extreme abandonment fears. But THE hardest thing was when he seemed to be cavalierly abandoning me.

We can't know what's in anyone's heart. Not really. But I do think he gave me some clues along the way.

We don't know what's in someone's heart or mind. Certainly when they seem to change it every 5 minutes  lol

It might well be the boundary thing goes for my ex too. But he also goes into ST or just plain silent because he:

- believes no action (or no response) is an action too (he told me so). Which is true, just a cowardly one on many (not all) of occasions.

- wants his SO to be able read his mind

- believes conversations don't exist if you're not in total agreement with him/on his side. Then it's a confrontation.

- wants to punish with being silent.

- wants to be in control by being silent. I even witnessed him give this advice to someone after we broke up. We were in the trying to be friends zone so I was on a break together with him and at least one of his flying monkeys and perhaps someone else. The flying monkey complained he had a situation with one of his team members and the team member had said he only wanted to speak to the flying monkey through a lawyer. This sh*t can happen in our work. You get your manager involved and HR if you can't get out of it on your own. But you do need to keep trying first and you do need to keep communicating. It is our job and we are trained for it. Ok, this particular flying monkey is not particularly good at his job in my humble opinion... Advice from ex "just stop talking to him" repeated several times in an annoyed tone of voice. If I'm honest my ex wasn't particularly good at his job either... I didn't see it at first because he's really smart and his team adored him but they adored him because he bent all the rules to give them anything they wanted instead of what they needed which often isn't the same thing. He was a very weak manager. Not managing from the strength of his team but by creating a "us against them" culture. Them being the company. A hallmark of a weak leader in any company. I don't care what a guy does for a living but if he's not good at what he does that is a major turnoff for me.

I'm rambling. Sorry. Upped the dose on my dystrophy pills and it's difficult to think clear. My mind will clear up in a few days  *)

Happy Thursday!

Hopefully today will be a good day. I had a good day yesterday until my room mate told me she told a mutual friend that when she asked if I was at so and so's house, that we had broken up. Which doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think it just hit reality that another person was telling people we were done. Up until now, it's been just ST and me telling people about the situation. So that kind of hurt, I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it kind of made reality set in. So I had a cry sesh, my first one in awhile actually. Maybe it was healthy, I haven't really cried about the whole thing, just talked to friends/family and been doing extensive research.

I had a couple questions about boundaries, Steelwork, for instance when you said you finally kind of deciphered what your ex was trying to say, what exactly is a 'boundary', like what were they looking for? Just space... .or time. Maybe I need a better definition.

It sounds like a lot of posts say when the ex's leave, they kind of hole up and hide out. My ex is very social and we attend the same bar, so since he is back in town, I've had anxiety about running into him.

Has anyone had ST for about a month or longer and then randomly ran into their ex? What happens? Do they talk... .say hi... .run away? It's a bar we've both been going to for 7 years and we have tons of mutual friends, so I'm curious to  how he will act if/or when I eventually run into him.

Also, random question, but to those where they came back around after ST, do they ever say they will never do it again, or acknowledge that what they did was childness/rude/etc?

Hi Silent,

I think "boundary" could mean a lot of things to him. (Since finding this forum, I realize how much he talked in terms used around here. He accused me of push/pull, for example.)

Anyhow, what he meant in that old email was that he'd been hearing from an old romantic interest who was sending signals that she wanted to rekindle. He said he was terrified to "set a boundary" by letting her know he wanted to be friends but wasn't interested in her romantically. His instinct had been to go silent because he couldn't face her disappointment, but he overcame that and told her how he felt, and he was SO relieved that she understood and still wanted to be friends.

So he told me that story, and then he said , "You can set a boundary. I won't abandon you."

Frankly, the stakes were way higher with me than they had been with the persoon in that story. He'd replaced me, but I think he was still terrified I would abandon him (and also make him confront his shame). So my feeling is that his fear of setting boundaries with me, now that he'd moved on, made him do a few things:

Rage at me

Lie

Blame shift

Project

... .

Finally, go silent.

Make sense?

Sorry to hear you're going through this. He sounds a lot like my ex, who was a master at the silent treatment. Like yours, he was full of grand gestures and wonderful words, but just out of nowhere he could switch suddenly, and from saying I was the most wonderful person in the world the day before, without notice he'd be ending the relationship. When that happened, it was as if I was the opposite of everything good, and it was as if he was angry with me for having fooled him into thinking I was a decent human being.

The first time he did it, his silent treatment lasted four days. The second time it was three weeks. The third time it was 10 days. The fourth time I felt it coming so walked away first, but like you wanted to talk to him afterwards and try to sort things out. Like you, I was stonewalled. Having spoken to several members of his family, this is very normal for him - all of his four brothers had been on the receiving end of his silent treatment; on some occasions it lasted several years. I even saw him cut his children out of his life for a month or so because he suddenly decided they were just using him as a bank and taxi service (they were 16 and 15 years old. I mean honestly).

All this happened nearly two years ago. I've moved on, but I still visit here because it was such a confusing time and I felt so blindsided, and sometimes I get the sense he might try to make contact (though he never has). When you know a person has a history of giving others the silent treatment for years at a time, there's always a suspicion they might turn up again at some point. I feel like he's skirted round me a few times, tried to get information through friends, etc. We vaguely share the same social group and live fairly close to each other. He's joined a sports club in the (very small) town I live in and was already a member of, for example.

It was the lack of closure that was there real issue, and what made it so hard to move on. I feel like I'd been conditioned to just wait for his silent treatment to end and he'd be back, so I couldn't begin the recovery process until much later than I usually would have. It's not right and it's not fair when you can't have a proper discussion at the end of a relationship. I guess that's the dysfunction at work.

My ex would silent treatment up to three months. During that time he would convince himself it was all my fault. He felt sorry for himself. When I said he holed up that was true, but he also went out and socialized. His pattern is to play the hurt little boy. So he would go out to events and appear sad and hurt, and elicit sympathy from friends. It hurts to know there are many people in our community who believe that for the last four years I jerked this poor guy around, breaking up with him repeatedly. That's the narrative he has constructed, and it is the complete opposite of the truth.

What would happen with mine was after a period he would recycle me. I didn't see it this way at the time. I thought the apologies were sincere. And they were sincere... .for him in the moment. Eventually he would write an apology letter or email. Looking back now at them I can see they were very maudlin, profuse, and most importantly, not specific. He never apologized for the specific abuse or rage. He apologized for "failing" me, or letting himself down. Sometimes he had real insights into his behavior. It were those glimmers of hope I always latched onto.

One thing I am examining is why I kept going back and reengaging. If you are wanting to be recycled you might ask yourself the same.

As to how he might act when you see each other, you know him best. There were times I ran into my ex during silent treatments. I'll admit honestly there were times I tried to be at the same place, because I was torn apart missing him and wanting him to change. He always acted sorry, beseeching, but that is his act in front of others. Behind closed doors he is another person.

The worst part of a silent treatment is the cruelty. You won't get closure. Don't look for it. I've vowed this is my last break up, my last silent treatment.

My ex would give me the silent treatment a lot. Sometimes broken with a single remark, hissed at me with an angry distorted face. When I asked to explain what he wanted with actual words he would just shake his head. He would not even say "no".

The silent treatment also extended to email and whatsapp.

He would be the hurt little boy for the outside world, aka his flying monkeys, who believed his lies. The bigger group is blinded by his charm and good looks. The flying monkeys are emotionally stunted too I guess or have ulterior motives in basking in his glory.

We too frequented the same pub. At the height of his wrath he sat there with a girl he had hit on previously when we were together (and which I objected to) waiting for me to finish my shift shouting to her about someone and how upset he was about "personal stuff". She was playing the role I used to play, trying to calm him, asking him "why don't you talk to her?" to which he screamed "BECAUSE SHE IS SO ___ING ARROGANT!"

Mind you, there were only 6 people at the pub, one of whom was the bartender. I ignored him and spoke normally to the other 2 and the bartender while he was going berserk at this girl about me. I knew it was about me. I had never seen anyone so angry and out of control but at the same time in control as he clearly set up the scene and acted the way he did so I would hear. It was weird and scary.

I think we did speak again 2 weeks after this, but the 'friendship' lasted perhaps another 2 weeks, as he kept trying to suck me in, triangulating me and others, and I wanted and needed to talk about things that happened and he flat out refused.

Then the stabs only I would get in emails really took off and the bullying and the smear campaign with his army of flying monkeys. I still saw him at work but it was horrible. And we did not speak if it could be avoided. I haven't seen or heard from him in 9 months nor do I ever expect to hear from him again. I was still on his mind in December though (I know because I found a blog) but I think it was because he was in a full blown crisis then.

I do expect to run into him when I am better. He has a new job but I guess he might still go to this pub on occasion.

You know what this discussion is making me think of? This, from the section on the website called "Is it BPD?"

Does it Really Matter It does. The behaviors exhibited during a relationship for all of these afflictions can look somewhat alike but the driving forces and the implications can be very different. For example, was that lying predatory (as in ASPD), ego driven (as in NPD), defensive (as in BPD), a result of being out of control (as in alcoholism), or social ineptitude (as in Aspergers). Was it situational, episodic (bipolar), or has it been chronic. Yes, all lying is bad, but the ways to handle it and the prognosis is not the same in all situations.

It seems like all of us are kind of making different interpretations of the behavior we're all calling "silent treatment." The behavior may look the same, but the underlying implications may be different.

SilentBPD, what does your gut tell you about your silent breakup? Did it feel manipulative? Protective? Malicious?

Hi Steelwork,


My emotions have been all over the place. My gut is all over the place too. The first couple of days I was just in shock and complete confusion. This had never happened to me before. I know he was known to be stubborn, and when I talked to his mom at first and a friend, they said "he's probably being stubborn, don't reach out for a few days, he will come around and miss you"... .probably because giving a girlfriend you love and care about the ST is not normal. But as the time passed, as sad/crazy as it sounds, the ST is now the new normal . He won't reply to anything I've said. I did text his mom last Sunday because she had not spoken with him since our Chicago trip where everything was fine and he didn't mention anything (ST happened two days after Chicago trip). On Sunday she confirmed that when she asked about me, he said he had broken up with me and didn't have any interest in giving details... .and she said she didn't push. (funny everyone seems to always tip toe around him). The only other way I found out we had "broken up" was I texted his best friends fiance that I am close with. She had confirmed that two days after ST started, he told his friend in explicit details what had happened... .from how many hang ups, to what I said, to acknowledging my email, texts, calls. Mind you I  hadn't talked to this girl until two weeks after ST started so I had no idea he had told his friend via phone we had broken up. Let's say I never would have reached out this girl or his mom... .I would still be here wondering... .do I have a boyfriend? how pathetic is that.

So in answering your question, I'm not sure what my gut tells me. I know my gut was pretty right when I had that voice in my head saying 'something is wrong' a couple months ago... .funny how intuition is always right :) After the gym last night, I thought maybe I'd see him at the grocery store (wishful thinking) because we go to the same one... so I went to buy dumb groceries I didn't really need. So lame I know, but then it was weird as I was walking down the aisles, I got kind of freaked out, like scared if I did see him. So much time has passed, I feel like I wouldn't even know what to say, almost like it would be talking to a stranger. So my feelings are basically all over the place.

I am going to a workout class with the fiance tonight, just to talk to her, get more insight. Hopefully that helps.

Soo the day finally happened, our path's crossed on Friday night. I went to this local bar we both attend and our common friend was there, he said, "hey you just missed ****!", mind you it was 7 pm and he said he had been there since noon, got so drunk, threw up all over the table outside and got kicked out. Classy. So the guy said, he's probably still here waiting for his uber, come with me. I went downstairs, saw him standing with a friend, walked up to him, grabbed his arm gently and said "can you talk to me"... .he backed away and mumbled "I don't want to talk to you", walked toward his uber then kind of like oddly stared at me for 10 seconds before getting in. I thought I was going to be a mess, but I took a big breathe and put on my big girl panties and went back inside.

I went up to our mutual friend (who's a bouncer) and he was like why won't he talk to you? I'm like I have no idea but it's going on a month. He said it was weird because he was asking about me earlier that day, like if I had been in there at all. I thought that was strange, like why paint me black but then go around asking about me. Then I'm like did you ask him why it's over, and he said that it was hard to understand him because of the drinking but he mumbled something like, " I don't know what she does when I'm not here." (he goes away for work 6 weeks every other month, when he went ST on me it was the first time we had gone through his 6 weeks of being away). So found that kind of odd since he knows he could trust me. But yeah, my "first run in". He's only here for another week before he goes away again for work, but it's my birthday this week, so that will be hard. We had talked about going to Cabo and now I just have the two days off work to stick around town.

Still confused as to when/or if he is ever going to come around and why is he asking about me?

I can only echo these sentiments. I was seeing my therapist one day, after things had started to turn for the worst with our relationship. It was perhaps day 4 or 5 of a silent treatment spell. He asked me if I thought she'd call.

I responded, yes, typically within a week.

Driving back home, guess what. She called. Why?

She called to tell me:  I just wanted to call and tell you I am changing my phone number. You wont be able to reach me again.

If I call or text her... .the silent treatment will go on for ever. If I keep trying to get in touch with her... .she will not respond.

It is only when I stop. When I cease calling, texting, trying to get in touch, that she will then, after a period of time, reach out.

And I will say this:  The longer our relationship went on:  The longer the period of time which she would wait to reach back increased.

At this point, she will go silent for a month maybe more (after me having stopped trying to contact at all- zero tries from me).  Years ago, it was a few days. But over time, it grew.

If you call, text, try to contact them... .I really believe they are able to sleep so well, knowing someone wants them. It's when we stop that their world is suddenly changed. And the feeling that they perhaps are, and will be alone in this world, begins to creep in.

That is when they call.

Jeez. I feel for each and every one of you. And at the same time, feel perversely comforted. Your experiences mirror my own, so much so in some cases, it's eerie. What is it about the 3 week mark, I wonder? It seems to keep cropping up.

The lack of closure, the feeling that they will come back... .the fact that they've done this to others then gone back to them... .friends, relatives... .all of this resonates with me. I've seen my ex ignore or try to avoid 3 other people before now. In all instances, he has ended up talking to them. He's cranked it up several notches with me as he's deleted me from his life (i.e. facebook) but still.

Wow. Just wow.  I hate this illness, it really is the pits and the ramifications for us nons so far reaching.

Or not.

They're all different.

My ex has been silent for months. I can't remember the exact date he last spoke to me business wise but it must have been in June. We saw each other at the office in July but I don't think we spoke. Our last personal conversation was May 12th. Not a word since. I don't expect to hear from him. Most of me doesn't want him to either; no good can come of it.

Yeah, me neither. He sent me a nasty email and then ghosted over a year ago. I sent him a brief email last October to let him know I was taking our blog down, said I hoped he was well. He replied that that was fine, hoped I was well, that was it. So now he probably thinks we're on "good terms" and he can ignore me for all eternity and never address any of the f-ed up stuff that happened.

The other BPD, the one I didn't have a relationship with but was emotionally close to let's say tried to do the same as number 2. Destroy me. And then contacted me EXACTLY one year after sending me the last text. The last of 2. The first was vitriolic wishing me the worst possible, the second was a day later wishing me the best possible. I ignored both.

A year later he sent me a LinkedIn invite. Delete.

This strongly resonates for me Daniell.

I interpret these behaviours (such as ST) as a bid to control and force the person on the receiving end to be unquestionably compliant and accepting, even of extreme behaviour that most reasonable people would equate as very damaging to a romantic bond. It's simply, to me, a power play for dominance.

If we are to regard BPD's as child like in terms of emotional maturity ... then certain views and theories can be explained in the same playground philosophy.

IE.

Fear of abandonment = They need to dump you before you dump them so that they can feel in control.

Fear of Engulfment = It annoys me that I have to consider others and can't just do what I want ... !

So, if a BPD/NPD person is stuck developmentally in early childhood emotional processing then the above childlike, schoolyard attitude might have more weight in reality.

I agree with Daniell here ... the first sign of ST and not emotional openness ... I'm outta there.

I agree. ST is a bid for control.

Fear of Abandonment = dump us before we dump them so they feel control, agreed.

Fear of Engulfment is bigger then considering others of course, it is fear of disappearing into the other. So in my view another way of loosing control over the self. I see it as a fighting the others needs tooth and nail to prevent being sucked into the vortex of the other's magnetic field. I have experienced the feeling myself. It is scary.

I agree. ST or other first signs of immature emotional behaviour and I'm out next time round. I only stayed because he seemed to be opened when we first met. My gut felt the so called openness was fake, was not about him, was immature, but somehow I chose to ignore my gut. Infatuation. I thought of it as openness and then couldn't make sense of the 'openness' versus the ST and the refusal to open up. I was trying to figure it out with my mind in one corner of the ring and my heart in the other but my gut knew all along. If there is anything I have learned from this it is to trust my gut.

So very True!

My ex would in the beginning kinda back off. That I would not hear from her. She did this twice. Not for a long period maybe 2 days max each time. Then she never did that again. Then came the ST. A form of Punishment! At the very end when she sent me the break up email and I wrote her back I of course  got no response. She then after I sent repeated emails and texts she said Since my silence is not getting thru to you! I was like What the heck? Be an adult! But then again I had absolutely no idea about BPD. Her thoughts and plans she made herself would change every 5 min or every other day. She I did notice could hold on to plans with certain people but when it came to me she never could.

My therapist told me that ST is the #1 red flag in terms of signals someone can give that there are going to be major problems ahead.

Theres one thing in terms of I just need the evening to cool off, clear my head.

But honestly, after I told my exGFuBPD, explained to her that these silent treatment episodes were the most hurtful thing she did:

The frequency increased. The duration increased.

This after she promised she understood and wouldnt do it anymore.

Once she knew it was the most hurtful thing she could do... .she unleashed it full throttle.

I sent my last text to my exGFuBPD yesterday.

I told her I still love her, but since she is choosing to remain silent, I am no longer going to try.

She can call me if she wants, with one condition:  She has to have the name, and have already called to confirm they accept patients for couples therapy.

I am sticking with that. I can no longer allow myself to be hurt by this behavior. It serves no place in my life, or the life I want. I'm just done.

I'll grieve. But in the mean time, I am going to start getting out there and date a bit, if only for the distraction, and to meet new people.

She will either call, before my heart has closed off or I have met someone new and just want to see where that goes... .or she wont.

But if she does, and theres no therapist lined up, all she's going to hear is a click.

Since making this decision, I feel remarkably better, that I have a plan. And I'm sticking to it.

Two questions GoingBack about this couples therapy plan:

Do you think it is likely she will call you?

What is your aim/idea about the couples therapy?

Do I think she will call me?

Honestly, its a coin toss, but a coin toss I am no longer "hoping for", if she calls I will be willing to talk with her, as I always have. But the pain I have been in for so long, I honestly am now at the point where I don't deny missing her, and yes that's painful, but she has been a vapor in my life for so long (like 1-2 years), that tomorrow will be no different from 6 months ago should she not call.

My point is, It doesnt matter to me as much as it did. Perhaps that means I am begining to let go and move on.

What do I expect from therapy?

Couples therapy is something she had brought up many times. I had agreed, every time. My only stipulation was she find the therapist. I'd split the cost, but she needed to pick the therapist. For the reason I didnt want there to be any possibility of her using "who I picked" against me... .down the road.

As for what I would expect? Well to be honest... .I don't think she would be able to handle therapy, knowing how she is. I think it would be clear as day to the T the issues at hand... .and I don't think my ex would in any way be able to handle being analyzed, asked to talk about her feelings, etc. If she survived one session I'd be shocked.

So, to say that she did go, and was able to stick with it, I'd give her the chance to try and fix this destructive behavioral pattern. I'm in therapy. I suggested so many times she do therapy too. But my patience has worn thin. I deserve better. And I don't know that she would ever be capable, at least with the time I'd be willing to give, to correct herself.

I'm going back to being the guy that aimed high. You just get to a point where enough is enough. It will be tough. But tough I can handle.

Prior to this recently ended relationship, I had never experienced silent treatment or being hung up on. I didn't understand what my exBF was doing when he first started ST.

I did ask him after a few episodes, and he told me he felt overwhelmed and upset, sad, so that was why he did it. Eventually I  came to understand that no, he was doing it because he was furious AT me. He wanted to hurt and humiliate me, use my feelings for him to force me to accept his damaging behavior.

It's been a horrible experience for me. He is still giving me ST. I guess it's a tantrum where he is holding his breath and is certain (once again) that my feelings for him will force me to cave and come back to him, where he will abuse me even more.

Not going to happen. I despise what he has done, what he is still trying to force on me. I know for him it's about winning, a battle of wills that he would rather die than lose. So he thinks right now.

I don't know how to separate the behavior from the man. Can't trust him, feel deep hurt, and a lot of anger. Last I hear he was sulking around feeling sorry for himself and falling all over the woman we broke up over. I don't think he really likes her that much, I think she has just been a tool to try and control me.

 bleh.

Silent Treatment is without a doubt a severe form of emotional abuse. It is incredibly painful for anyone who has experienced it, and anyone who has not simply won't understand what it really feels like to be completely ostracized and neglected by someone you love and trust. It's violating. Its demoralizing. It destroys your sense of self worth, self esteem. It does nothing but create pain for the person being subjected to the silent spells.

You can say it's cowardly on their part. But I think it's much deeper than that. My ex was the princess of silent treatment, and was completely, or at least acted so, aloof to the fact she was doing it. A million and one excuses as to why she had been missing.

A few times it was so bad I actually called her parents, left them voicemails, messages via email- none of which were returned.

I think, based on what she has told me, she was neglected as a child. Both her parents are doctors, and they had her very young. I think they put their careers first, and I think she was an accident. That said, she was alone, and an only child. This shaped her in many ways.

Its hard to forgive such treatment. I cannot count the amount of times my text messages to her read:  Please answer the phone... .Please... .Will you answer? It's been 4 days. Are you ok?   

Sometimes she would go half way, she would respond with a simple 1 line text and then vanish again. Othertimes she would text, but refuse to answer the phone.

Regardless, it boils down to the fact that she has serious deep rooted issues when it comes to communication, intimacy, and emotions.

I often times, towards the end of my relationship with her, felt as though she simply never matured, or developed from a social standpoint past that of a small child. She's a very intelligent girl, with degrees, etc. But socially she is awkward, aloof, and withdrawn yet presents herself as someone who is "outgoing", has lots of friends, and is social. Its very perplexing, and honestly, very phony.

Ultimately, I'm crushed because there were a lot of qualities I loved about her. I did and do love her. But the communication issues she has, which I don't think she will ever be able to change, are a dealbreaker for me.

Silent Treatment, if used by any partner of mine in the future, will be a red flag reading - run for the hills. Run fast and far away.

It's damaging, and no one should have to be subjected to such torture.