BPDFamily.com

Can anyone share any insight on how BPD grieve?

LivednLearned said in another post that they grieve in a different way than nons do. They won't allow feelings of sadness but stack them up inside where they remain forever.

Just wondering... .

Ive read in many places that they grieve in reverse. In other words, their coping mechanism(maldaptive) is to "paint you black" and more or less forget you off the bat. Thats why they ghost, to avoid shame or admit their part. I have heard it compared to putting everything into a shoe box, and setting it on a shelf. The issue with that is that they dont process anything as us nons do. We go through the hurt and process it, learn from it, and have the capability of growing. They do not, and that box gets opened some day for them to relive the hurt.

molitor has some great points here.  pwBPD don't grieve, basically.  They use defense mechanisms like painting black (splitting), denial, undoing, etc. to avoid feeling anything about you at all.  The emotions would be too painful.  Some people incorrectly assume that a pwBPD was never attached to you in the first place.  Quite the contrary; they are so attached that they have to block out any emotion toward you at all, or it will destroy them.  They only feel things later, when the pain is lessened by time or the defense mechanisms become less effective.

Hi GEM, I'm intrigued by your comment, maybe you can help me. You say about "undoing", what do you mean by that?

Also, after my ex discarded me, her behaviour for the last 10 months has been really bizarre. We are both in a social group called Meetup, and her behaviour has been to stalk me on it, attend things that I am on, but on the two occasions I have tried to talk to her, she has completely refused. So we have this dance of avoiding each other, but then she always finds a way of being physically close, but to ignore me. I have wondered many times, what the hec is she doing. Why. It's like she is saying I don't want you in my life, but I don't want to lose you completely.

Does that make any sense. Is that her way of grieving? Or just a game or punishment because I haven't chased her?

Undoing is a defense mechanism.  An example would be for someone to say at the end of a relationship, "I never really loved you," when that was clearly not the case.  It offers them relief that they are not losing anything that really matters to them, if that makes sense.

The scenario you describe with Meetup is extremely similar to my experience with my ex.  I also attend gatherings with a group of friends organized on a social networking website for that purpose.  My ex would attend with me but his reactions to me were very strange, ranging from following me around like a little puppy hoping for attention, avoiding me altogether, accusing me of stalking him, flirting with other women in front of me, etc.  He currently claims that he was nothing to do with our mutual friends, but checks the social networking site frequently to see what we are doing.

I don't k ow how much these individuals can really grieve but my ex is from my teen years. She became crazy after my mom broke us up. Became this monster after I tried getting back with her. Loved me then didn't etc etc we all know push/ pull. But when I went out with a group of friends at that time my ex clearly hates me. Didn't want anything to do with me. Had her sister threaten me etc. . Then she ended up going out with me and a group of friends that she wasn't supposed to come . Well long story short the only reason she went was to take multiple pictures of me that she kept in a shoe box from 1988. I never knew these existed u til she showed me last summer and of course started her same old $hit again and here I am. So they don't want to lose u completely in a sense even tho I am now painted the blackest of black. Blocked on FB etc. But keeping pic of me from 1988 I never knew she even had or took just blows my mind.

Geeze, who knows. Mine discards me a couple of times a year. It is like he has had too much of me, and when he detoxes, he shows back up.  I have always believed my ex passionately loved me, even when he is being terrible.  I have begun to doubt that in recent months. The whole thing is exhausting.

i think we are talking about grief with respect to romantic relationships (us). my ex grieved her grandfather like a perfectly normal human being.

since we are separated from our exes, we dont really know whats in their heads or how they are processing. we know how it appears to us but we mostly only have facts about the disorder to go on. pwBPD have complex defense mechanisms against realizing the loss of an attachment, and shame, developed over a lifetime. they include but are not limited to:

compartmentalization

dissociation

ability to attach to a new partner very quickly

any combination of black and white thinking/splitting, victim mentality, triangulation, feelings=facts, etc.

there may be a lot of overlap. compartmentalization is the simplest explanation for me personally, as to how pwBPD often grieve a romantic relationship, and why it appears to us that they dont.

Looked compartmentalization up and not sure if i understand it well.

Does this mean they can take different roles. For example my exBPDgf could only talk about her work during the day because she was in work mode. It was very difficult for her to talk about anything else.

So in the case of a break up they can easily discard neagtive feelings and step into a different role?

My ex loves to compartmentalise. One box for me, one for his daughters, one for his job, one for his friends, etc, etc. I used to complain that it felt like he took me down from the shelf when he felt like it only to box me back up again when he was done.

We’ve been apart now for 3 months, but he’s been in constant contact. This morning in response to a push/pull text I asked him what he wanted from me. He said he wants to be there for me when I need him (my mother is very ill) and also “I think I am mourning us”.  It seems to me he’s having a difficult time detaching and wants me around as a ‘friend’ preferably with benefits and also as a shoulder to cry on whilst he gets over me! He’s already dating others. Does his behaviour make sense from a BPD grieving perspective?

Thanks GEM. I think I understand undoing from your description, it sounds a bit like rewriting their own version of history to fit into their current views of what has happened, so that a line of events has been created that appear consistent. When in fact there isn't any consistency at all.

Yes, yes, and yes, with respect to your ex's behaviour and mine. Last year mine would turn up to the same event as me (knowing I'd be there) and do any of the following - attention seeking, manipulation, flirting, sulking, you name it. But I called her out on her behaviour with a couple of emails last December and this year, mine has so far not re-appeared. If she does sign up for anything, she either cancels at the last minute or says she forgot about it. So no one has seen her since Christmas 2015. Including me.

The above was very true in my experience.  If I tried to mix too much with other areas of his life, he would get frustrated with me.

The thing you must remember with a pwBPD is that they left because they believed you were going to do something really bad to them.  There's not really anything *to* mourn, as far as you personally are concerned.  They feel they've dodged a bullet.  They may mourn what they thought you were -- good and nice -- in the beginning, but that doesn't mean they believe they made a mistake, per se.

i think those both might fit within the definition, sure, but its a very complex defense mechanism that may apply to all aspects of their lives, even their own personality.

from wikipedia: Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.

Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.[1]

Those suffering from borderline personality disorder will often divide people into all good versus all bad, to avoid the conflicts removing the compartments would inevitably bring, using denial or indifference to protect against any indications of contradictory evidence.[7]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compartmentalization_%28psychology%29


and again, all of the mechanisms i listed may be forms of compartmentalization, theres a lot of overlap.