BPDFamily.com

My story is the same as many/most/all I've read here. One of my greatest concerns for my child, mid teens, is whether they'll be able to live independently.

Hi BPDisscary,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.

How old is your child?  Does your son/daughter live with you?

What concerns do you have regarding her living independently, holding down a job, finishing high school, conflict w/others?

lbj

LBJ, Thank you for your questions. My child is a freshman in HS. I worry whether they'll graduate from HS on time and because they have no motivation and not willing to put forth any effort in developmental functions (school work, taking care of basic responsibilities, etc... .) I worry whether they will ever be able to live on their own and support themselves.

We understand, it is a concern for most all of us parents of teens with BPD/traits of BPD.

Is your son/daughter working with a therapist?  Does he/she have access to any teen group support programs? 

Learning how to cope with the stressors of life will have a positive affect on all aspects of her present and future.  We can learn to cope as well so that we can stay more balanced and model the skills/behaviors we so want our kids to use.  We don't want the fears of the future to paralyze our kids and we can learn to be mindfully hopeful, stay in the moment and not become fortune tellers.  Live for today and plan for tomorrow. 

Have you participated in family therapy with your child?

lbj

That is very good advice and I've been told this by my own therapist I'm seeing to learn to navigate through the obstacles with my child. Yes. My child has been in therapy for more than a year and I'm trying to accept what is. I may be having a harder time accepting it than what is right. My child, like many children, is brilliant and talented and I'm still struggling with them not reaching what I thought is their potential. I'm embarrassed to admit that I realize some of my worries are more about me than them. Thank you so much for your response.

We are human and have needs too!  I had 2 great fears:

Will my child ever understand and accept that I love her?

Will my life always be this way?

6 years later and the answers are yes and no.  Yes, my d and I have a very close, open and honest relationship and No, my life has changed dramatically.

Both of those questions and fears were about me.  :)

The good news is that your d is young and she is getting help, add to that your getting help and working towards a healthier you, family, relationships.

We sometimes have to lower our expectation for our struggling kids, we are grieving the dreams we once had of what our kids lives and our relationship with them would be like at this stage of their development.  It is sad and it is the reality we live in.

Do you talk to your T (therapist) about your sadness, have you talked about going through the grief process?  Here is some info that may help you recognize and identify what you are going through: 

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272538.0)

(I'm trying to learn how to more accurately reply to responses. So, I hope I'm using the "Quoting" function accurately.) 

Yes. I have spoken to her often your exact words. I've explained to her I'm grieving and mourning what I thought "should have been." (The whole "It's not fair and I'm soo ANGRY" cliche.) I'm finding myself sort of stuck here currently. (My husband has a much better handle on accepting what is and is also helping me greatly as he allows me to use him as a sounding board on the things I would never allow anyone else to hear.) I'm grateful for what you've stated as your experience because it makes me know I'm not alone; although this situation can be very isolating. Oh, well, thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder. I can tell this site will be very helpful for me.

Hi there BPDisscary

Welcome.

I understand completely. It's like the head telling you one thing and the heart another, and this, for me, would fluctuate day by day. Or there'd be a trigger, a small incidental happening and I'd be down again.

I grieved for the man my Bpds would never become, I grieved for the boy I'd lost. I didn't like the young man I had. He just wouldn't make the right decisions. I could see his future in front of him (and me of course!) and I did everything in my power to prevent it. He was my son, he was special and he had the world at his feet.

I found time spent with my friends the hardest. We'd meet for a coffee and they'd talk about the latest event in their kids life, always a successful milestone achieved. I was jealous, I could feel myself eating away inside, while I put on a false smile. It just wasn't fair.

It took me a very long time to move on from my grief. I can't tell you when it happened but I can say, hand on heart, Im very happy for my friends and their kids and don't feel envious any more. So I must have moved into acceptance. My Bpds has his limitations and I've gained a much better understanding of the challenge he faces day to day on this forum and web site. This knowledge has really helped me move forwards emotionally. It's given me hope as I see signs of improvement in our relationship and his behaviours from using my new skills learnt here. I can't recommend it enough.

I take care of myself and my needs. It isn't all about my kids. I model behaviours I want to see in them, so I'm happy, hardworking, positive and flexible. I work hard on better communication and validation. I got my sense of humour back too.

Take care of yourself 

Ooommmggg! Thank you soo much for your honesty. I have every feeling you've had! I'm soo grateful to know me not liking my daughter is understandable as well as feeling the jealousy you describe. I'm holding onto hope I'll find joy again in my family's new normal. Huge hugs to you!

lollypop

you took the word right out of my mouth... .

BPDisscary.... I really think the grief comes in stages... .I did grieve for my dd but then I really reached a point where I let go of what I thought was going to be... .I became less judgemental. It can be painful to see other friends kids going off to college etc but then I just have to realize that is not the path for everyone. It doesn't mean my dd will not have a good life. It is more important to me that my dd be happy. I learned a lot here on this site. I have changed a lot and it has helped me move forward. Our kids are not the kind that fit neatly in a box... .and that make them different... .that doesn't have to be a bad thing... .it really can be a wonderful thing too.

Hi,

I'm so glad you posted about this as its something I'm really struggling to come to terms with with my daughter who is 21. It's a long, complicated story but she seemed to be doing okay until 18 months ago, and ever since then she's deteriorated until the point, now, with a BPD diagnosis, when I can finally see beyond the mask to the hurting, struggling girl she really is. I can't see how she'll be able to hold down a job or live independently but I'm trusting that it will happen and trying to take each day one at a time.

(She's adopted and lived independently for a while and worked full time but kept us at a distance and, unbeknown to us, was coping by using drugs, alcohol and promiscuity. Now that's all gone - which is a miracle and a story in itself! - we see the 'real' her.)

It's been really helpful to read all the responses here that mirror so many of my thoughts, anxieties and feelings. But I'm going to try to be 'mindfully hopeful' now :-)