|
Title: I don't know what's going on Post by: Tturnipp on April 13, 2016, 02:57:09 PM Hi, my partner has just been diagnosed BPD and my life is all over the place. I've known for a long time that he had a disorder of sorts and I was pretty sure it was borderline but didn't want to put too much thinking into it. Now I know. Now I know why our relationship has been a roller coaster, now I know why he has treated me badly, why he had been so beautiful and loving and the next minute awful and terrifying.
On one hand this is 'good' news for me as it gives me confidence in myself that I am not the monster he sometimes makes me out to be and I'm proud of myself for guiding him to get a diagnosis. I am proud of him for deciding to make change and get help, I am proud of him for working hard and wanting this relationship to work. On the other hand... .How the hell do I make this relationship work? Do I become firm and come across as cold with strict boundaries and treat him like a toddler in order for him to feel safe? How do I do it? It's in my nature to be compassionate with a soft touch not with a firm one. I'm rubbish at sticking up for myself but from the research I've done it looks like I will have to make all of the changes to accommodate his disorder? I feel a little hard done by (a lot) I feel it is unfair that I fell in love with someone and his son as he fell in love with my daughter, formed a relationship and a family to live in equally but now I have to take control of it all? I have to accept that if I don't the person I am so in love with will crumble and become aggressive. Does this get easier? Do BPD relationships work? I feel so unappreciated, I have given too much of myself to him recently on the lead up to his diagnosis when apparently I should just stand tall and say do it yourself in order for him to realise his abilities - but I have him all of me because that felt more natural, stressful but natural. It seems I have to go against my instincts now if I want this to work. I'm at a loss. Title: Re: I don't know what's going on Post by: an0ught on April 13, 2016, 03:49:20 PM Hi Tturnipp,
On the other hand... .How the hell do I make this relationship work? Do I become firm and come across as cold with strict boundaries and treat him like a toddler in order for him to feel safe? How do I do it? It's in my nature to be compassionate with a soft touch not with a firm one. I'm rubbish at sticking up for myself but from the research I've done it looks like I will have to make all of the changes to accommodate his disorder? you don't have to make the relationship work. You need to make your life work again! He needs to fix himself. You need to fix yourself. The relationship heals. He is confused and scared and focusing too much on him can confuse you even more. Ground yourself, take care of yourself and start learning and practicing, practicing and practicing the skills in the LESSONS. It is a process that will take time so simply start where you are comfortable and see where it leads. If you are soft start with validation. Mind you that good validation can be tough as well - there is lot of negativity that needs spelling out - with some compassion but also straight words. Boundaries are required but boundaries for you may be something for tomorrow not today and that is ok too. What matters is that you get started somewhere with doing. Thinking alone hurts. Doing helps and helps thinking later too. Compassion is useful but unskilled can lead to burnouts. I found this recent article interesting: www.nautil.us/issue/35/boundaries/how-to-avoid-empathy-burnout. I particularly liked: Excerpt New research suggests a third way. Caregivers need to be empathetic, but empathy is not one thing. Both neuroscience and psychology have uncovered an important distinction between two aspects of empathy: Emotion contagion, which is vicariously sharing another person’s feeling, and empathic concern, which entails forming a goal to alleviate that person’s suffering. Whereas contagion involves blurring the boundary between self and other, concern requires retaining or even strengthening such boundaries. Learning to practice one but not the other could be the best example of how caregivers can simultaneously look out for patients and for themselves. You find this approach for sustainable emotional support under the label "validation" in the LESSONS and in plenty of discussions around here. Posting on the board can help you processing what was initially very emotional event on a cognitive level. That to a degree separates you from it and enables you to work on boundaries. It also makes you more effective in providing targeted support. Again *welcome*, a0 Title: Re: I don't know what's going on Post by: Bpdsupporter on April 13, 2016, 08:33:15 PM Yes a relationship with someone with BPD can work! You dont have to become something your not either. But you will have to get some healing.The stresses of dealing with someone BPD can definitely lead to anxiety for sure and maybe even some depression. So I agree with the other commenter. Work on getting yourself healing and self care. That is the first step and something that you will always have to make sure you don't neglect. And now that you know for sure that he has BPD you did the right thing by coming here and being apart of a support group that is a major step in taking care of yourself. Kudos to you! Your gonna need alot of support from people who understand. I know first hand about the ups and downs of one minute I love you the next minute I hate you. It can be exhausting! And then your going to have to learn empathy, validation, and reflective listening skills. They have to become like breathing for you. Problems arise in all relationships... .so these skills will improve all your relationships in general. Im kind of a robot and share the same links to all new people lol. But these resources really helped me alot. And when I was doing my research on improving my relationship I really wished that I found someone who would tell me that it can work. Theres alot of resources that are quite discouraging out there. So I began to realize that I was going to have to be what I was looking for. I got my emotional and mental and spiritual and physical health in check, researched all I could about the mental illness, tried and failed and tried again and again the skills, (never stop practicing and learning all you can too on BPD) and over time I began to see massive improvements in our relationship. And we are closer and more in love than ever! We have become each others best friend... and even though we still have challenges we are happy. Good luck to you, it can get better. Sounds like you two love each other very much... its so good to hear that hes taking steps to get help. Thats awesome because he is the only person who can fix his life. And you are the only person who can fix your life! So take care of you first, educate yourself, and validate, empathize, and listen. And you can have a rewarding and fulfilling relationship despite the challenges that come with loving someone with a mental illness. There is hope for sure! Im living proof! Reflective \Active Listening https://youtu.be/1uRwwz-b6Zk https://youtu.be/oG_UlQrFmAY https://youtu.be/FEvldkFkgsc Validation https://youtu.be/DABarBuR2K4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDSIYTQX_dk Empathy/Boundries https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw https://youtu.be/ecb6ExBaW80 Books www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075 www.amazon.com/DBT-Made-Simple-Step-Step/dp/1608821641 www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Not-Enough-Dobbs/dp/1435719190/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1460593338&sr=1-1&keywords=when+hope+is+not+enough www.amazon.com/Hard-Love-Understanding-Overcoming-Personality/dp/1937612570/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1460593529&sr=1-1&keywords=hard+to+love+personality+disorder |