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Did anyone have constant comparisons to other couples and told how they wished you were as romantic as so and so?

I admit I wasn't exactly Hugh grant in love actually but we had just got back from an around the world honeymoon, I was working 60-70 hour weeks and we were living (by choice) in a very isolated place so that in 3 years time we could move and be the couple that could always afford weekend getaways and romantic dinners!

This was always going to be a lul for us while we worked hard for our future. I admit I was pretty romantic when I first met her, but I had so much more free time and resources!

I don't know I just felt like there was a constant expectation for married life to be like the notebook, big romantic gestures. I did a LOT of little stuff to let her know I cared, I don't think it was ever enough.

Perhaps this comes back to that fantasy land idea of perfect love, I remember this was a weekly complaint, anyone else have this?

Yes.  My ex quite literally thinks a relationship should be like a Disney movie.  Naturally during the courting stage people put far more energy into the relationship than could ever be realistically sustained.   It simply is not realistic to expect a relationship to always be "the honeymoon".   This was something I don't think she ever really understood even though we talked about it.  As a result I think she became somewhat disillusioned and disappointed.

Yes, we all have fantasies of the ideal romance with the sunsets with the string music playing, and most of us enjoy the fantasy, maybe even consider it a goal, but don't lose sight of the fact it's a fantasy.  Real relationships take work, and although there are idyllic moments, there are also challenges, and maybe the health and quality of a relationship can be measured by how well the couple transcends those challenges.

And then there's not having the ability, or emotional maturity, to be in a real relationship, so the fantasy becomes the benchmark, with whatever the reality is always losing in comparison.  So why can't we, or our partner, or both, let go of the fantasy and get to work on the real relationship?  Gotta admit I fell for the fantasy in a big way, but also realized it was temporary as we got closer, my goal being to develop real intimacy and create that thing between us called a relationship.  Never happened.  I don't think she's capable, having a personality disorder and all, but also I clearly abandoned myself and spent a lot of time being very naive, and had I not done that we wouldn't have gotten anywhere near as far as we did into the dysfunction.  So there's the gift: don't do that, don't abandon myself, don't be naive, pay attention, don't ignore or gloss over what's really going on.  My life has benefited in countless ways by making those shifts.  Onward... . 

I don't think I ever heard my ex compare us to any other actual real-life relationships, but I did hear a lot of "should"-ing (ie. I/we "should" be doing/feeling this, that, or the other thing). And these "should" statements were mainly pretty fantasy-based, and not usually indicative of any self-reflection or accepting her own responsibility for her perceived lack of wish-fulfillment-fantasy-love.

The more distance I get from that relationship the more I realize: pwBPD are *selfish*, and any partner who isn't going to extend themselves and show up to meet you where you're at in life isn't a partner you want in the long-term.

Actually no, almost more the reverse.

One night my ex and I were at a pub with another couple both coworkers and I noticed my ex looking at them in amazement, but not the positive kind, at how comfortable those two were with each other. They were being silly, goofing around together and my ex could certainly be goofy too but that night he just looked at them with this look. A mix between amazement, slightly revolted, 'how can they?', a not understanding, embarrassment, something like that. An intimacy he could not and cannot achieve.

They got engaged that night. I told him, he gave them a blank look and a congratulations that seemed insincere but then offered a ring he wore on his thumb as an impromptu engagement ring. It was so weird.

Coincidentally, my ex (diagnosed) had not a shred of romance or warmth in her. I wasn't looking for a lot, just some kind of signal that she had some positive regard for me and actually wanted to be with me, rather than being some kind of chore she had to complete or some person she merely tolerated in her life.  Honestly, I think it has damaged me. I'm only realizing this now. I think that my expectations of marriage and relationships generally were hugely (but I hope not permanently) diminished in the 20+ years we were together.

We were not ever compared to other couples.  I don't think that the couple concept mattered to her at all.  She seemed to go out of her way from a point early in the marriage to "de-couple" us, if that makes any sense.

But I was endlessly compared to other men she encountered in her life.  Some of these men were people she could not have known in any real way and who, in many cases, she later called "horrible" people.  Once she asked me why I could not be more like the husband of the friend of her godmother (yes, she cast a very wide net in finding men to compare me to).  This is a person she probably said less than 200 words to in her entire life.  About a week after she asked me why I couldn't be more this fellow Jim, I encountered him at an intersection on a busy Saturday morning.  With two kids in the back of the car, he hit his horn, blew through a stop sign and gave the finger to everyone in the intersection who he'd almost hit and who'd honked their horns at him.  He looked like an alcoholic who couldn't deal with traffic on the way to his dry cleaner.  And that's just one example.  There are at least four idealized male acquaintances that she asked me to emulate that she later called "horrible" or an example of the "bad people" in the world whom she hates.

I still have to deal with this person on a regular basis, too.  I have to keep reminding myself that she's mentally ill.  The thing that stinks about it is that it's impossible to have any kind of friendly relationship with her.  It would be so much easier if she could say "Hi. How are you?" once in a while, just to signal that she's a friendly and not a hostile.  It would certainly decrease the stress level. But she won't. I am now as devalued and hated as 99% of the people she's known in her life who she once called friend. 

My BPD friend is constantly sharing memes and posting comments on Facebook about what she wants her current boyfriend to do.  She hates when boyfriends don't like her pictures, post about her, etc.  She's always looking for some reason to call her boyfriend the "best boyfriend ever." 

Its funny, reading all these replies just shows how broad and diverse the disorder is. What I think I've learnt is that perhaps this is less a BPD thing and more of a 'she's just a hopeless romantic' thing.

I think the comments so far prove that like any human being, regardless of BPD, we all have our own preferences on what a relationship should be like.

Sometimes seeing such varied replies confuse me and I start to think "was this actually me? maybe she was just a dissatisfied wife!" And of course the inevitable blame-game starts.

Then my brain kicks in and I realise that the overall arc of our relationship follows a borderline relationship to a tee.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences =)

hi Ahoy 

its admittedly speculation on my end, but i wonder how much of these complaints have to do with how romantic you are, versus a simple communication of "i need your attention". what do you think?

I think that's a very fair call, the truth is when you are working 17 hour days, callouts at random times, when you finish your shift you have to be a little bit selfish and relax, otherwise you get run down.

It wasn't all like that, we had long stretches of 40 hour weeks, amazing weekends where we would just curl up in bed the whole day watching movies and enjoying each other's company. I have regrets about some of this (perhaps being to goal/job oriented) but I also feel that I gave her a LOT of my attention and love, every day.

I think that her likely being a BPD, accelerated the ending of our honeymoon stage as she felt more and more isolated by the end. Unfortunately this where her inability to see future consequences of her actions came into play. If I had any inkling that she was not on board with us doing this, that she would struggle so mightily, I would have not done this with her, we would have worked in a city instead. Instead when she realised things were going to be rough for a while longer, we were locked into our 2 years 'bush' and she bolted to another state.

I fully supported her move, It was a great idea, I thought we could handle long distance, however as the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind... .

In hindsight I think she was starting to detach before she moved interstate anyways, it was the end of days.

My experience fits with once removed's suggestion -- it was about getting attention. When my ex wanted more attention, she would say, "I'm used to a guy who wants to spend all his time with me, who brings flowers and gifts and shows me his love with real gestures like that" ... .but when she was idealizing me, she would say, "I love how you can make me laugh, write me a long letter, share your thoughts, be silly, connect with me -- it's so much more meaningful and lasting than flowers or gifts or other things that I've been used to in other relationships."

If she was feeling down or anxious or angry, then she would complain about the way I showed my love. If she was feeling happy and excited and in love, then everything I did was so much more romantic than anything she'd ever experienced before. It was both seductive and manipulative. Now that I'm five or six weeks out of the relationship, and she's been reaching out, I can see much more clearly how manipulative her behaviour is (which isn't to say she's always conscious of being manipulative). One day, she'll reach out in anger saying she's trying so hard to move on with someone new, but that all she can think of is me and our connection ... and how can I do this to her? (!) The next day, she's apologizing for having been so cold and cruel at times. The next day, she's sending me emails reminding me of all kinds of happy memories. The next day, she's sending sexually explicit emails, telling me she's so sexually frustrated and misses us being together ... .and repeat from the beginning with the angry emails.

Basically, my experience with my ex is that I can't really take what she's actually saying at face value ("you're never romantic!", "you're soo romantic!", "I remember nothing but happy times", "I hate you and I just want to forget everything about you!" ... .)  Now I can see more clearly how she's just a rollercoaster of emotions on the inside, and will say just about anything she thinks might give her the response she craves in the moment, to satisfy what she feels she needs right then.

But of course, this is no recipe for longterm stability. And, like fromheeltoheal, I definitely played my part in jumping on the rollercoaster with my ex at the beginning of our relationship - everything was so intense and alive! But once the incessant demands and rage and tears and vicious emotional attacks became more common, I realized there's a terrible downside to the emotional rollercoaster. I still find it hard facing the idea of relationships that lack the frenzied manic highs ... .but the lows were so damaging, I never want to go back there.

Me too. She once told me that she (finally) recognized that she engages in excessive fantasizing at the beginning of a r/s. This is dissociative in nature. It's magical thinking and it's child-like (i.e. "THIS is the One who will make me feel loved and safe; THIS is the One who will make me feel whole."

Once the "nitty gritty" of everyday life intrudes, the r/s goes downhill. The sad part is most of us had no clue. We were settling in, and our love was deepening.

once removed brought up the idea of need.  I think a lot of this probably is that, mixed with control.  My BPD friend likes to start statements with, "If I asked you to do ______________, would you?"  She wants to know that the person would do that FOR HER.  It doesn't really have anything to do with love or romance.

Mine was less about the constant need to be romantic, and more about her need for me to fuel her escapist fantasies. She's been running away from situations all her life - I honestly think if I had booked a holiday a month for the next 2 years we would have still been together.   She needed a positive incentive to stay in the relationship once the honeymoon period was over - without that it just became another stressor to her.


Fanny

Gosh, I know this very well. He'd accuse me of not being romantic! But then when I'm being romantic he'd pull away maybe feeling engulfed or plainly just rage at me for no particular reason maybe start the drama so he can justify being upset.

So whenever I heard the words " You not being Romantic"! I'd just ignore him completely for most of the day, this would actually get him to be "romantic" as long as I don't reciprocate, for they'll be hell to pay should i reciprocate those feelings.

Almost 2 years out of the r/s with No Contact! It's been a long journey!

For my BPDw, she often says i'm not being romantic. I can ask what she wants, and she'll give me an example and 90% of the time I've actually already done that in the last week. But to her whatever I did didn't count because either:

- I've given them too often so now she's used to them (and they're not special), OR

- she doesn't FEEL romanced, therefore whatever I did couldn't have been right, OR

- she was in the wrong mood to receive.

I've arranged a date night at home with a picnic rug, pillows, candles, wine, chocolate, dinner, massage - but if she's in work mind then she just sees it as dinner.

She's said I don't compliment her enough, and I pointed out the 2 big compliments I gave her that day - she'd then say "well they didn't count because they were 'friendly' compliments not 'loving' compliments", or "... .because I wasn't in a receiving mood"

Or if I leave a gift for her on the bed - it doesn't count because I didn't "give it to her". So it didn't match in her head how a romantic gift should be given.

I pointed out the other day that i often get up and refill her drink at night when she's on facebook - as a nice gesture or as me taking care of her - she said "I thought you just did that out of habit".

Feelings = facts!

Brilliant observation -- the relationship going from a net benefit to a net stressor though nothing in its characteristics had changed -- and probably very common.  I sometimes read the observations of others here, and so many of them are also my own, and I think that this is a great place to learn about human nature generally.

I think that we have to be strong, resourceful and self reliant people to get through the honeymoon phase and get to what's real.  For some people reality is a let down.  For me, in my current relationship, it's where the real goods have begun to emerge.  I find also that the real goods don't always have to do with a feeling of elation or anything like it.  I think that this morning I felt vulnerable for the first time in my life, and it was quite a feeling.