BPDFamily.com

I been coming to these boards for a couple of years now since my therapist first mentioned it sounded like my wife has BPD who was then diagnosed with BPD.  Since that time there has been a whole host of issues from both her parents dying, to kid having panic attacks constantly from a outgoing person, to work issues, to physical abuse, to mental abuse, to multiple inpatient stays, to couples therapy, to of course therapy for each, to suicide attempts.

I liken the 13 years we been together as a cold war with flare ups here and there, but the last 4 years as all out war.  The problem is you see so much for so long a period that you stop recognizing what is normal and what is not.  I would imagine it would be like a war where a soldier could see so many horrible things after an extended period that they start to have a hard time figuring out what is crossing a line and what is not.

The current situation is this... no physical abuse anymore (it was her hitting me).  She has two kids, I am not the father, but one knows only me as their father.  I work alot... gotten it down to at work about 45 hours a week, but another 3 might be driving every week and its 6 days a week.  She is unemployed now for 2 years and graduated college about 3 years ago.  All her family except sister are gone now.  She does not trust my family and my family does not understand her.  They worry about me and my safety a bit so I hide what all actually goes on.  One kid is 16 who was a year ago outgoing energetic kid who is now having panic attacks around people and sleeps alot.  The other is 13 and has been caught recently stealing medicine of my wife... her ADD meds.  Everyone is in therapy.  Unfortunately, this takes up about $750 a week in therapy based on last years expenses between insurance and therapy.  I do alright at my job but it is self employed and it is a tight situation every month trying to get bills paid with that much going to medical. 

My wife each week tends to cycle... Sunday she generally gets super depressed and angry and irritable.  This is the day I start extreme SET and validating.  Eggshell Day... .  it also usually means she starts picking apart kids on everything they do wrong and looking for things to yell about. 

Monday she will spend in bed.  She will be nasty to me throughout the day and to the kids, but kids are not phased.  I usually am sleeping on couch by this time.  A fight between her and a kid will usually break out about this time with one saying they do not want to live with her anymore.  She will be taking sleeping aids this day and may dip into my xanax script.  She will also be saying we need a divorce because she is not happy with me

Tuesday is much the same.  By this point, I will be just sitting on the couch doing nothing but waiting to her if a dog or kid or something is going to happen to set her off and try and stop it.  I will not do anything at all this day bit sit.  I go without food many Tuesdays so I am always ready.  I honestly would not mind somebody coming in putting a pillow over my head and putting 2 bullets in my head...

I generally handle all the groceries, feeding, and travel of everyone unless they have doctors appointments in middle of day when she does.  This is Wednesday alot.  She will be with kids and by end of day she will be moderating more.  She might get up some this day too but will drink a bottle of wine.  We can communicate some this day, but there are emotions with her and being she is a bit tipsy this evening, I will tread lightly and not contradict nor disagree nor offer any opinion. 

Thursday is a quieter day.  By evening things are moving to a norm.  I am exhausted on this day, usually in trouble at work because she will text bomb and be angry at me throughout earlier in week and handling all responsibilities of a household. 

Friday she is apologetic and kind.  She is the person I fell in love with generally.  She will apologize for behavior.  Now days, I have started to recognize this as the eye of the storm.

Saturdays i have a short work day and get home as fast as possible.  I start to be a bit agitated this day as my senses come to me that I was abused throughout the week and I shouldnt have to deal with that, and then fear rises as the next day is Sunday.

Her complaints

1. we do not have nicer things and moving ahead in life.  We need more money.  She will be upset others have more, but fail to realize most people do not spend $40k a year in healthcare

2. I work too much.  I have asked her to let me know what she thinks I should do.  She says drop some of my business.  Problem is Complaint 1 if I do that.  Generally she does not mention about her getting a job.  It is about how her life is

stagnant because I am not going anywhere in life.  Her excuse is that while I have provided 90% of income since we have been married at least... she inherited money and put $50k of it to pay down our debt so that makes things even.  I know I am spending $50k alone on her a year, and the kids.  She does not make one of the fathers pay child support and the other she allows to only make a payment of $325 a month when he is making about $50k a year.  I do not know how she spends that money which is fine.  I cannot touch her inheritance which is fine.

3. Kids... I am turning them against her.  They see the pattern and are getting upset about it and some is her own guilt I am sure

4. My family.  There have been incidences with my family where they have not been reliable or she feels i give them too much control.  One of my jobs is also helping keep books for the family biz.  That one basically pays for our medical a year,and is the most hours and being in to check books 6 days a week, but I can work on my other work when I am there so its almost like doubling up on pay and I can handle all the crap for our house while I am there.  No penalties really for calls or anything.  My mother did get angry and they had words before because she found out wife hit me.  My mother is her own mess, but I generally do not have verbal contact with my family outside of work cept holidays when allowed to and at work for about 1 hour a day.  It has gotten to point that also some of the trust distribution that would go to me is being withheld and put in an account so if I am kicked out again I have money to at least get a place to stay and take care of myself as she has her trust money.  She has blown through alot of it though buying stuff for friends and taking trips for herself.  She does not know about the stored money and I hate it.  I do not think it is fair and I could sue my family over it.  Not cause I want the money, but because if my wife knew she would feel it as a slight against her or that I do not trust her.  I want her to have access to everything I have even if I know she will abuse that power. My family i Know is thinking that I self destructing by allowing her the power over me i do, and they have to protect me in some way.

I had been really good past few weeks about doing nothing besides taking the blows and doing my best to ease things around her and keep peace.  Work is still a complaint about her and money.  Kids and others will torque her up along with holidays but not much I can do to control all those completely.

This week was different.  Sunday she woke up irritable as expected.  3 days prior she wanted a divorce, but this day she wanted to go furniture shopping. So we did and she had a couple of drinks at brunch.  By dinner time the family was going to watch a movie the kids wanted to see, and everyone had talked about for a week.  Suddenly as we were about to put it on she started shouting at me about what I knew about the movie and if kid could see it.  Reasonable question, but manner was pure attack.  Then became tirade of mistakes in past I made... etc.  One of kids goes "probably too late to start a movie anyways so we can just skip it".  She is on her phone texting and does not acknowledge.  I finally go... "I guess I will go take out the trash".  While Im out I guess she had words with kids and they left.  She wouldnt acknowledge me so I just went up to bed.  She came in shortly after yelling and screaming that I turned kids against her and it was my fault.  Then drove off for 2 hours before starting in again.  I just tried to explain that she was right to question the movie, but I was just hurt by her tone.

Monday... .usual day.  She is short and rude with me.  She asks me to handle the kids as she will be sleeping the day.  I make arrangements and originally had planned on being home by 5:30 pm but issues came up at work and I talked with kids about what was status and that I would be leaving at 6 pm and we talked about dinner.  At 5:30 I am with a larger client, handling an unusual mess.  She starts texting pure hate non-stop.  I state that I am doing my best, but I already talked with kids and I will be home asap.  Finally, i tell her did she even ask wonder what my reason was?  She apparantly thought I was in an accident and starting call bombing me in front of client.  I answered and said I am ok, but I will need to talk to her later.  It happened non-stop... 46 calls in 10 minutes with barrage of texts.  Client got pissed and said something to me.  I am panicking inside terrified about whats to happen.

I am furious... I am driving home and calling her letting her know I am mad.  I was totally wrong to do that and should have stayed away.  When I got home I threw my keys and yelled at her that this is ridiculous and she is ruining our lives.  I went off... it was total verbal abuse.  I went on how I would rather be dead that keep on with this scenario.  She demanded I leave.  In past she told me to leave, I would.  I have slept many nights in my car and at office.  This time, I said no... I am not.  Why should I always be the one to be the slave?  Reason is kids and escalation, but I was worried about job and everything at this point.  No excuse still.  Kid comes up and tries to calm her down.  She starts saying that it is all me and I feel horrible.  He is validating and reassuring to her, but as I leave... he says she is out of her mind.  I have to explain that this time it was to large degree me out of control.  I of course apologize, but she is deeply hurt...

I have not been home since.  I miss my kids... I miss my wife. I feel horrible for my part.  At same time, part of me feels like I could just move on and not have the burden anymore.  I can enjoy myself for a change and start a new life.  When we talk I apologize and take blame, but I notice that when she talks about all of it she will bring up how she is scared cause I never acted like that before, but as im accepting fault... .she is not accepting fault for ANYTHING wrong at all... .ever even.  It is literally... I am the cause of our failed marriage.  I eventually have to say that I am the one totally at fault for Monday (even if I feel the calls were out of control) and validate her feelings that my actions were improper.  They were certainly... I am nervous because I do not know if things can get any better if she does take some responsibility for where we are at in life.

If I say that she needs to take some responsibility it sounds like I am making excuses for my behavior which was totally unwarranted.  I finally have to say that I am completely responsible for monday but we are were we are at with us both making mistakes.

I do not know that she wants to take me back.  I feel horrible for what I did do.  She feels that I think she ruined all our lives which is not true.  I was honest with her and said that while we have both made mistakes and hurt each other and the kids, we have not ruined anyones life and I was wrong to say that and it was cruel.  I feel horrible for what she does to me constantly.  I do not have any friends. I do not associate with family.  I cut back from going to gym 5 times a week to sometimes not going at all and at most twice.  I spend about 1 hour a week doing stuff for myself.  Maybe another hour with tv I wanna watch... never when she awake... only what she wants.  I am not even me anymore, but I do not know if me is the monster she describes.

IS this life with her even possible?  Can I make up for what I have done wrong?  What about kids?

  I think you are being really hard on yourself about it all. You were in a constant war zone, walking on eggshells and on a particularly bad day you ended up blowing up. You are human and I think most people would eventually blow up in that type of scenario. My one question was, why didn't you turn your phone off after the second call? I've had to go to meetings with my husband blowing up my phone and it's embarrassing and certainly unprofessional. I now at the least silent my phone, put it on vibrate whatever you have to do.

But to get back to the situation at hand, you probably shouldn't have taken blame for everything because that gives her a scapegoat to blame the entire thing on. She was probably going to blame you anyways but now she feels justified about her part.

I think you really need to take this time away to work on yourself and if or when you get back with your wife you can start out a bit differently. Think of ways you can prevent yourself from getting to that point again. You need time to yourself, you need to be able to talk to clients without interruption. I can't imagine going through life only having one good day a week and knowing that one day is basically a manipulation tool because she feels bad about her behavior. I know when my husband is buttering me up after specifically bad behavior and it's total manipulation. Have you been able to set any boundaries? Maybe a condition to getting back together is that you get gym time, or some other alone me time, you would have to be prepared to back up your boundaries but you can't live like you were. It's only going to end up the same way.

Hurt,

By your post count I can see you have been here a while.  I went through what you did for 26 years, the whole cycle of doing more than any human should have to do, carrying 150% of the load, covering for my ex's controlling behavior, feeling guilty when I inevitably occasionally lost control.

I followed the same tired path, losing contact with friends and family, going through endless marriage counselors and marriage therapy weekends.  Probably like you, I am generally considered a nice, kind person.  I was in no way equipped to deal with a relationship with a BPD. 

Then I finally found a therapist for ME.  After 18 months, it finally sank in - BPD is chronic.  She is not going to change.  So you need to ask yourself a simple questions - Do I want to spend the rest of my life living the way I have lived the past few years?


Let me be clear - YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG!  What you have done is experience normal human emotions that occur in all relationships.  The difference is that you are not in a "normal" relationship.   In the world of BPD, these emotions are the equivalent to detonating a bomb in a small room.  To your wife, what you feel and need is unimportant, it is all about her.

To answer the question if life with her is possible, please refer to my question above - is that how you want to live the rest of your life?

Regarding the kids, unless you have adopted them, probably not much you can do.  Depending on where you live, they may be able to petition for emancipation at some point.  There are are other options as well, but nothing is viable until you are in a position to take care of yourself.