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I was in an intense relationship for 5 . months with this amazing girl ... .she dumped me ... now I am having suicidal tendencies. ... .

 

      Let me begin my story dear readers ... .I was involved with a girl who is 4 years elder to me the relationship started in mid 2014 went onto may 2015 when she dumped me changed her phone number and disappeared. ... I was introduced to this girl thru family friends and we are actually living in 2 countries. ... we started chatting on whats app for 2 months and when I finally came to her place we hooked up. ... .then the people who actually introduced us started becoming panicky and asked me to avoid this girl at any cost... .by then I was into her body and soul  ... .I too became curious about why these people are cautioning me about her ... .slowly thru some friends help i did a background check on her apparently I was her 7 th guy and for me it was a pretty big deal because I thought I was all holy and melancholy ... .confronted her she started crying and told me that she would commit suicide if I were ever to leave her ... .she slowly became close to my dad and sis ... .unfortunately for me my dad was taken ill and during that time she was of immense help and moral support I can't never forget that ... .I am just giving you all an overview  ... .because if i do I will have to write a novel on it. ... .anyhow once she gives me her laptop to do a presentation on breast milk production ... .yea we both happen to be doctors ... .with me ahe used to do pic collages of the two of us and send to me coincidentally I happened to stumble upon a collage of hers and her ex whom she was about to get married to much before me ... .I was broken ... .I asked her she started to cry and then my conscience got the best of me and forgave her ... .in Jan 2015 my visa got over and had to go back to my country and thereby had some issues with Visa so couldn't come back soon... .in the meantime I joined a program where by I had to work for 7 months to get my cert she kept on pestering me to comd back eventually ending in fights and on one such occasion in may 2015 she called me an ungrateful ass and blocked me on whatsapp I used to send apologies relentlessly till September when she momentarily unblocked me then she suddenly changed her number and in December she facebook messaged my sister apparently someone had called her and she felt it was one of my friends checking upon her new number. ... .it was never me though she told my sis that I I were to ever contact her she would lodge a police report and wherein I will nevr be allowed to enter the country ... .I was shattered I got her number through a mutual friend nevr contacted her till now on that number even once I once sent her an fb message to which I got no reply ... .I was going mad by that time and so I went and visited a psychiatrist he and he gave me some meds ... .I tookit for 3 months and now am back here at her place I feel lost sad ... .she did tell me that she was a depressive individual and she was on treatment for that when she was studying ... .she lost her dad a couple of years ago and looks like her mother is a dominating person ... .she is a Catholic and am a hindu she wanted me to convert into Christianity for her sake I stood my ground ... .actually I used to confront her often about her past because I am or rather I thought I was a conservative person ... .well she left me and it's been almost a year now and she hasn't once contacted me looking at her what's app activity she is in between boy friends ... .my question is this will she ever try to contact me ... .I am depressed and don't think I will be able to move on ... .she called me a dangerous criminal because I dug up her past ... .please tell me dear readers am I really bad is there something wrong with me ... .or does she have BPD... .she used to pick fights with me unnecessarily when we were together ... .o just used to put up with her ... .but now I miss her ... .she told my sister that I I ever contact her she would use her conversation with my sister as a tool to lodge a police report... .I guess she is afraid that I will try to ruin her relationship ... .but I am not that kind of person actually. ... dear friends do I people think she will ever get back to me ... .coincidentally she had told my sis last December that she is getting married  it's april now and she is still unmarried  possibly in between boy friends ... .and I am going nuts

Hi Ashwin

Sorry to hear what you are going through,  I have just been put through a bad experience with my BPD (diagnosed) S.O. today ,  and have had years of bad experiences with BPD .  Firstly, is your ex girlfriend, diagnosed BPD ?   Trying to guess can be a minefield, and there are many other overlapping personality disorders which can hide the real deal.

If she does genuinely have BPD, then you are in for a rough ride and you will need to be very strong to stay sane yourself.  All you can do in the meantime is take care of yourself,  in any way that you can,  getting suicidal over a person who has a serious mental illness is not worth it!   I know how totally immersive they can be, how totally they can take over your life,  how wonderful she can be when she's into you , but it can all change in a few minutes , over the most bizarre things.  The 'multiple infidelities' are another destructive attribute as well, and it just seems to be one guy after another... .untill they find out what a nutter she is and dump her. In a way , they are better off for doing just that! In my case, I am just too attached and am always there for her and she does come back , only to repeat the same things over and over.

I live apart from her now , and see her when things are going smooth, which isn't very often, there is always high drama in her life .     Meet some other women, keep a balance, do things that interest you,  because if she sees you unhappy and intense, she won't want you like that either, she will always think of herself , not your feelings, they won't matter to her. Don't be 'needy' thats a big mistake.

There are a million things to learn about being with a BPD girl , even then you will rarely get it right!   She will never be any different, but you can change the way she affects you.

This just came in now ... .today I absentmindedly pressed her new number on whats app ... .I didn't even know about it ... .a few hours later she texted my sister on whatsapp saying that she regretted ever knowing me and that she is going to lodge a police report saying that I was stalking and harassing her  my sis had to plead with her not to do it ... .and finally she said that this was the last straw and next time she isn't even going to warn ... .she said she would call the cops on me ... .I am devastated dear readers ... .I mean my dad is a popular figure and I don't want any nonsense to hurt his image... .yes I was nasty with her when I heard about her 6 previous relationships it was sickening ... .but then again I am a one woman man and my morals don't allow me to graze other pastures perhaps my bringing up was like that ... .it's been almost a year since our break up and today this ... .what should I do now that she has declared war on me ... .is it ever possible that this whole situation can be mended ... .I just don't feel like living anymore

A few other details that I left out. ... .she has two siblings one elder brother and a younger one ... .what first struck me as strange was this she doesn't maintain a normal brother sister relationship with them ... .I mean they rarely talk to each other ... .they don't seem concerned about each other. ... next thing she used to warn me when we were together look here when I am done with someone I am totally done ... I don't go back so u better be careful you are driving me to the edge ... .so be careful. ... she wanted to get married almost immediately I wanted some time she wasn't too thrilled by it ... .the best part is this she hasn't till today told her mother about our relationship she is scared of her mother I think ... .I let her into my family my dad regarded her as his daughter ... .she once took my sister to her place just to show her mother that she was spending time with my sister and not any other person ... .she told me that she went into depression in her early twenties and was on medication for that for a long time. ... she has very few friends ... .and she literally demonized her previous exes she told me that her 2nd boyfriend broke her nose ... .the third fellow used to demand money from her to pay for the toll to come n visit her ... .the third guy according to her nevr took advantage of her ... .I find it hard to believe ... .she is a narcissist yo a certain extent she used to tell me that her friends used to say that she looks like some stupid actress  I used to laugh it off and she used to become really upset at that. ... .once I went for my friends engagement where some of his friends women put their arms around me and took pics ... .and all of us went for an after party ... .she kept on caling my phone I didn't see the calls... .the next day wheni got back home she was waiting for me and when I told her that I was at a party and what we all did she slapped me and scratched my arm I was very upset ... .I just walked away and she kept texting me ... .she then sent me a pic of her hand all scratched apparently because she felt guilty for scratching mine... .well we used to have some misunderstanding through out the relationship she would pick fights with me ... .when I couldn't take it anymore I used to put her in her place by telling her about her morals ... .which now I feel was justa  temporary stop button ... .it was indeed very damaging I shouldn't have done that but that was all the leverage that I had ... .she used to constantly bicker about me not caling her or texting her all the time and tht she was the one who was caling me all the time... .I know that I am not the sanest person in town but I too had my shortcomings. ... she used to warn me that you will cry for losing me ... .which is true retrospectively thinking ... .  my question is this dear ladies and gentlemen will she ever ever ever paint me white again ... .will she ever try to get back to me even after all the damage done ... .

Hello trying to help thank you very much for ur reply ... .her mother is a very controlling and manipulating character. ... my ex hasn't mentioned about her relationship to her mother till date ... .my ex had all the traits of a classic waif she used to tell me how her exes used to ill treat her and that she misses her father a lot ... .and if only had he been alive he would have dealt with them ... .she totally hates me now it's been a year do u think that she would ever try to come back ... .I mean I know u ppl will be getting irritated but I feel lost without her ... .do u think even after all these drama if I wait for a long time will she ever contact me ... .or like how she used to tell me that once she is done she is done ... .now my folks are also fed up with me and her ... .my dad n sis are totally against her and they want me to stay away frok her ... .do u guys think she might try to re engage me at some point of time ... .

Sorry for adding on things later as I sit and think more and more memories are coming in ... .when I initially learned about her past that was almost immediately after we got together I wanted to end it because a lot of well wishers wanted me to do so I called her and told her it's over she came in and sat in my car started crying uncontrollably and while talking I saw something funny her phone was on so I reached for it she was apparently recording my voice when I confronted her about it she said since it's our last meeting she wanted to record my voice and hear it when she felt lonely I must have been such a sucker for love I fell in again ... .initially it seemed as if nothing could go wrong whatever I did was deemed as phenomenal ... .then after I let her in to my world she started to slowly control me ... .I didn't like it but we used to have small fights every now and then ... .

Okay u have read about her ... .now let me tell you all about myself. ... .this was my first ever relationship with a woman and before this I did have a crush but was timid to go and tell my feelings for that gurl. ... .so finally when I met this ex of mine it seemed as if she was an answer to all my prayers. ... .I was so happy and in love all those people who had introduced me to her wanted me to put a full stop to that relationship but I couldn't I didn't want to including my dad told me to stop seeing her but I was resilient in my decision ... .I used to actually guilt trip her by telling her about her ex ... .and about what people were talking about her ... .finally all my dad's friends the so called good Samaritan s backed off and it was just us finally when my dad fell ill she was my only moral support ... .so I decided finally whatever might have been her past I'm least bothered about it ... .after this she became almost a family member she became close to.my sister and all of them started to descend on me with my faults frankly it was quite overwhelming for me ... .then I had to go back home ... .had trouble getting my visa renewed and that was when she started pestering me for marriage ... .I wasn't ready ... .much before that itself she stopped visiting my place ... .cut off ties with my dad n sis ... .I believe her mother had told her it seems that people will talk bad about my dad and her imagine that I felt sick... .really sick ... .we used to have fights over whatsapp ... .one day it was too much for me to bear she said hurtful things like you better go n die ur a useless fellow you are a burden to your own family why don't you just go n die ... .she was driving me wild ... .she used to use strong words on me and never have I once called her names but that day I couldn't control my self I called her a b___ and that's when I opened the Pandoras box I think she called me an ungrateful dog and blocked me on whatsapp ... .this was in may till September I used to send her texts she wouldn't respond ... .finally I saw that one day she has temporarily unblocked me I sent my apologies she quickly blocked me again and ina  few days time she changed her telephone number. ... I was befuddled ... .through various friends I did eventually track her new number down ... .but before I could contact her she sensed something fishy and bombarded my sister with messages on Facebook cautioning her to askme not to get in touch with her otherwise she would lodge a police report ans see to it that I never enter the country. ... .my sister had to beg and plead before she calmed down ... .I just asked my sister to send her the following that I love her a lot and I want her to be happy in life and o would never come in her way... .soon after that my ex blocked my sister out of what's app... .I was devastated she had also told my sister tht her mom haf found someone for her anf she is very happy with him and she was scared that I would spoil her new relationship. ... .I was distraught I had her new number on my phone ... .I admit I did stalk her what's app activity every day and she was online almost the whole time the busiest being on the 14th of feb 2016 then the activity reduced drastically. ... and she reduced all her activity to almost minimum ... .yesterday I accidentally hit her new number on whatsapp she immediately fb messages my sister telling her that she is going to lodge a police report for harassment and finally since my sister had to plead with her she warned her saying this is the last time and from here on there will be no warnings she will directly go n make a police report. ... .and see to that I am dealt with. ... she also said that she never wishes to see me in her life and hates the sight of me ... .and knowing me was the worst thing she did in her life ... .what am I to do my dear friends I am at my wits end ... .will she ever try to rengage at any point ... .judging from her text this time I guess my replacement also left her and she is on the hunt again .I just want to make amends and be there for her will it ever happen ... .it's easy to say move on and stuff but even after all these mess ups will she contact me ... .

you will see how these boards and members here will be able to empower you by understanding your pwBPD behavior and how to avoid major pitfalls in dealing with her to minimize damage to yourself.

One big issue is that when a pwBPD  splits you "bad" then, they convnice their mind that you are worthy of punishment as every thing about you make them angry while in this emotionally dysregulated state of mind.

The best way to protect yourself is NOT TO MAKE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT while they are in this phase as any contact make them worse.

pwBPD are capable of getting restraining orders, harassment charges on you and can destroy your reputation if you keep on triggering their negative emotions by keeping  contact by  talking/texting them.

JUST GO TOTALLY SILENT.... for at least 7 to 10 days. This is the only way at this point.

Thank you wanttoknowmore... .dear people please do read all my 5 posts and give me some moral support ... .do u people think she will ever come back to me ... .  folie

hi ASHWIN  

unfortunately there is no one here who can tell whether your ex will come back to you. we can help you to stop the bleeding (not make matters worse) and we can help you prepare for what it will take (no guarantee) if she does come back to you.

have you had an opportunity to read through the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.0) on this board?

it might also be helpful to start here: What Does It Take?  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship)

Thank you sir... .dear people kindly tell me what you feel about my situation am I the one who is cuckoo here ? Or is it the other way around! !

Many people who loved their pwBPD have felt the way you feel... .("Am I the cookoo here"?) thing... .many Nons wonder if something seriously wrong with them... .No... Nothing is seriously wrong with you except possibly that you have tendency to "fix" or "rescue" people who come across  needy and weak.  You might feel better about helping and rescuing them and this might help boost your own self esteem. But, nothing is wrong with that.

The relationships with pwBPD are very intense and they create intensity of emotions in people who love them... .thus, creating a highly charged emotional mindset which feed on each other 's emotional intensity.

The push-pull and eventual breaks up leads a man like you confused, perplexed , feeling guilty and depressed as the entire experience does not match normal logical mind's past experience... .(such as if I love someone more... she will love me more and will be appreciative)

So, Ashwin... .nothing is wrong with you... .you are just coming out of a very intense emotional experience which has the power of shaking the minds of most normal, logical human beings.

You SHALL recover as most of us have recovered... .its only a matter of time... .this experience might give you the opportunity to look inside your own psyche to understand your own emotional world.

Right now, you may be doubting yourself and your strenghths... .you feel weak and lost... .but its temporary... .you will return to your baseline in due course of time... .smarter and wiser.

How do we ,(on these boards) ... know?  Most of us have been there and done that.  Keep reading and take a deep breath and keep moving on... .you are destined to feel better each passing day.

Thank you wanttoknowmore ... .very nice of you... .thank you for helping me to raise my spirit... .do you think that even after one year she might trt to re engage ... .do u think that she might try to come back to me. ... .or is this really over. ... .

Yes... .its possible that she might like to contact you after months or even years from now.  Many pwBPD  do this.  They keep you in their collection box ,to be used again ,if needed in the future. They vcan not discard you. Some do never recycle and discard you permanently especially if they have a good replacement.

Once who are more likely to re connect are the once who have a pattern of going back to their loved ones, mother, sisters, old school friends and their social media have pics of old contacts and they do not change a lot on their social media (not very frequently)  The re-cyclers are also more traditional types who believe in long term bonds and relationships.

Other major factors are (1) How much respect they had for you when things were going great (2) how resourceful you are ,financially, intellectually and emotionally (3) How bad (nasty) the break up was.

If break up involved physical violence, police/legal  involvement and very mean, curse words etc. ,it is less likely for them to contact you again.

I know a guy, whose pwBPD loved one reconnected with him after 9 years with apology and shame and complemented him "believe or not, I never could forget you, because you were the most kind of all men and you tried to help me most"

But, by this time, the man was over her and knew very well that re engagement will only lead to chaos and dysfunction again. He denied the request with "thanks but no thanks."

Presently, you might feel  that she is the one and only one key to your happiness... .because your narcissistic injury is very fresh and bleeding... .But with time this false belief will start evaporating and you will be more in true reality that you can create your own happiness with other people and this person is  not the only key to your happiness. At That point, You might be strong enough to set her free with wish for her well-being and happiness .

She wants freedom form your emotional bond... .love gives... .If you love her give ... .give her the freedom from you... which she is asking.  Be an Emperor... .don't be a beggar... .as ... In the end... .Emperors get what they want and beggars keep begging.

Let her go... .set her free ... just respect her wish... .this is the kindest. loveliest thing you can do for your sweetheart... .If and when she wants to come  back... .spread your arms like an Emperor and welcome  her... .BUT, do not beg for her return.

In true love, its the loved ones wish which matters most... .not your own wish. In the mean time, you have other important things to take care of... .you were well before she came in your life... and you will be well after she leaves.  

Thank you sir... .I have given her her freedom for almost one year it's clearly evident that she was with someone and got dumped ... .even after all this she is still mad at me ... .she had warned my sister I don't understand why to talk to my sister instead of me ... .she could very well threaten me but why tell my sister ... .and now I have noticed that she hasn't blocked me on her new number ... .probably she is waiting for me to contact her again so that she can go and tell the cops perhaps. ... .I'm feeling very down ... .I don't get it how is it that she can love me soo much and now she hates me to the core ... now ... .our breakup didn't involve the authorities ... .she pushed me to the edge and when I yelled back at her she just dumped me and blocked me out of her life... .the only thing I did was to get to know her past that's all

if you suspect that she is mad at you... .the best thing you can do is to not to contact her at all... .protect yourself from the illness she has... .

In the meantime, the focus needs to be on yourself... .your own healing is your priority.

Feel your pain... .and let her go... .build yourself back... .at some point ... this tragic incident will be like a foggy memory in your mind and you will be able to live your life happily.

Proof is the hundreds of members testimony on these boards... .who suffered... .felt the pain like you... .recovered and moved on ... .

More you obsess about her ... more time it will take to heal... .think about the other people ... .who love you... .your family ,your friends etc. Dont they matter ? Don't they need your love and attention... .how about your job... .doesnot  it require your attention... .your health ?  Take care of yourself... man... .just let her go.

Thank you once again want to know more... .people who are reading this post please I am begging u to take some time to go thru my posts and give me ur valuable opinion ... .it matters a lot to me ... .I want u guys to note down ur opinion ... .Doesn't matter even if it's hurtful... .it means a lot to me thank you 

... .

It's been a fortnight since the last fiasco... .never heard from her in the meantime ... .does she really hate me so much even after one year... .will she be ever thinking about what we had once together? ? Do I have any chance that maybe one day she might contact me again... .? I really love her a lot ... .I tried dating other women but never really had the same chemistry that I had with her ... .! I mean when we were together she used to say that once she has broken up with someone she is completely done with that person and she would never go back ... .ever ... .

Guys one more thing why is it that she is conveying her displeasure thru my sister ... .and not talking to me directly. ... .why is she messing up her options of ever returning back... .now my folks r totally against her... .she told my sister that it's the final warning if I ever contact again I am in deep trouble. ... .why not tell me that directly. ... .I mean that would be an appropriate closure for me... .why go to great lengths to threaten my sister... .

Hi Ashwin,

What is your sister saying to her?

It sounds like the drama is not dying down. Something is keeping it going.

Any ideas what it could be?

Hi lived n learned tq ... .I don't think there is any drama ... .I mean when I last contacted her on whatsapp she threatened my sister but why do that she also mentioned that she unfriended my sister on facebook because she didn't want to have anything to do with my family ever again... .I mean she used to tell me that my dad n sis were like her own and all that before but why alienate them now... .I mean I want your perspective a on the entire matter if you have gone thru my posts kindly give me ur opinion about me and her ... .am I the one who wronged her by digging up her past and confronting her ... .I had to go away for 8 months for some surgical training ... .that's when all hell broke loose. ... .she went hot n cold on me finally cutting me off entirely ... .now she resents ever knowing me and I quote  " I hate him to the core . I don't ever want to see his face ... .I he ever tries to intrude I will see to it that he is behind bars" ... .why such animosity she slapped me once scratched me.i forgave her for all that but yet I have turned into a devil of some sort. ... everyone including my dad says that it's probably a divine intervention that I escaped from her ... .but I don't feel that way I'm stuck unable to function. ... .I am 100 percent sure she had someone when I was away I.e after she broke up with me ... .gaging her what's app activity. ... .but it's all over I don't know what happened where but now she is single at the moment ... .yet she despises me ... she says what will her future husband think if he got to knkw about me n her ... .I feel really rotten. She even told my sister that she saw me in some car at het hospital which is a figment of her imagination my sister had to tell her that there is no way that was me ... .why such hatred... .why doesn't she threaten me why isn't that when and if she had told me I would have found closure aeons ago... .she was desperate for my love now she hates me ... .I don't understand the dynamics of the entire scenario :sign_attn:

People with BPD tend to engage in what psychologists call splitting. You can read about splitting here (http://www.Babbie, Earl. 2007. The Practice of Social Research. 11th edition. Belmont CA: Thompson - Wadsworth. pp. 87-89.).

This seems particularly relevant from that article as to what you have described in your post:


Yet, you cannot be defined by the splitting behavior because it is not really about you. People with BPD tend to have an inability to resolve past grief, so hurt feelings, negative feelings build and rarely resolve. Something may trigger them -- a thought or an action -- and if you are the closest other in their lives, the full force of those feelings are directed toward you.

Often, it is advised here to minimize if not end contact until the person with BPD chooses to reach out. Your ex may be using your sister as a proxy, so in a sense, things continue and don't abate. Which is why your sister's behavior is relevant. Sister, family -- you are all merged in her mind, is my guess.

It could be that seeing Whatsapp activity feels to her like you and your family are reaching out, it's hard to say. And that keeps her in a perpetual state of defensiveness, trying to manage the anxiety she feels.

You are right |iiii she is probably using my sister as a proxy. ... .but I guess she has planned things carefully because she unfriended my sister on facebook and then when I accidentally called her on whatsapp she sends those hate and threat messages to my sister ... .finally she had to tell my ex that if I do try to contact her again she can take me to the drycleaners ... .only then did my ex back off... .I mean what the hell did I do to deserve this bull___.

        Previously it was in December when someone had called her I guess it was a wrong number she was very pissed off she unfriended my sister back then after threatening me to stay away from her "future husband" I guess she must have had someone because this time she wasn't that upset she just I mean I feel she was more composed this time even though she threatened. . I don't see her on whatsapp much these days don't know what to expect the reality hurts... .because anything and everything seems uncertain... .her first bf according to her did some voodoo ___ on her... the second one used to beat the living daylights out of her 3rd fellow was a wombat 4th a zombie I figured I was probably the 6th or the 7th a total loser. ... haha

In all fairness to her looking back I did take the relationship for granted I mean she wanted loads of attention she wanted me to call her evry time and constantly text her ... and all that which I didn't ... .then thru people I found out about her past ... .because the same people who introduced me to her cautioned me against seeing her by then I had swallowed the whole bait hook line and sinker ... .I didn't want her but couldn't let go of her ... .she was so damn caring and loving ... .but there used to be fights and she used to blow her top... .she used to warn me saying that one day I will cry for losing her ... .which is exactly true

The strangest thing is this she hasn't blocked me on her new number I don't understand why? ? Is she really waiting for me to send her a message so that she can finish me off ... .or why is she keeping this line open? I mean she could have just blocked me on her new number too right ... .I guess she is just waiting for me to make a move ... .

What do you predict would happen if you contacted her under the circumstances?

I really don't know madam ... .what do u think about it I need a woman's perspective or rather what's ur take on the matter.

She has said she will take measures to punish you or your sister for contacting her.

I don't know that there is much need to read between the lines.

Thank you very much ... .it's really nice of you to put things subtly. ... .I am having a real hard time coping ... .but I am managing somehow there are times when her thoughts come bearing down upon me ... .I feel lost and depressed. ... won't she be having an iota of feeling for me ... .or has she completely forgotten about me. .

      I had a small chit chat with my sister and I belive my ex had told her the reason why she never gave her new number is that somehow I would pry into her contacts and get her number from my sisters phone. .

       I asked my sister whether she could show me the conversation that she had with my ex and she says that my ex had taken a promise from my sister never to show the conversation that they had... .so that went kaput I felt that if I could see that atleast it would be somewhat of a closure for me ... .my sister is adamant and says she won't show me ... .

   

       In all ways my ex feels that I pried into her personal life and dug out her past and enjoyed regaling myself by telling her and making her cry and enjoying about her being amorous ... .to tell u the truth I did that I did confront her about her past ... .and she did cry ... .yes but I was naive . I mean we are human beings we are bound to make mistakes ... .for me it was only one thing my morals are perfect and I wanted the woman in my life to also be somewhat similar ... .I can understand one or two but 6 disgruntled relationships I was losing my sanity. Made me feel real bad ... .no I am not a saint by I lost my virginity to her and I did tell her that no matter what I would marry her ... .people are crazy animals I see all sorts of em walking into my hospital... .some of their stories will give u nightmares ... .never really thought that I would also end up with one such bizarre experience myself. ... .

        Her father passed away her mother is controlling her brothers are not bothered. ... .when I confronted her about her past she used to cry and say what will my father do if he were alive and to see u making me cry he would have seen to it that ur dealt with. ... .remember your making me cry ashwin gods watching all these tears one day u will pay for all of this ... .

         After I got to know her and after all this drama yes I am ashamed to admit I did take the relationship for granted ... .she used to create drama often... .it was becoming really awful for me to bear... .then fate intervened and I had to go away and things started falling apart. ... .

        ITS EASY TO THROW THE BLAME ONTO HER BY CALL ING HER A CLASSIC BPD AND WASH MY HANDS OFF AND KEEP GETTING SUPPORT FROM ALL YOU GOOD PEOPLE... .but every human being is screwed up on some level I too am not immune in that case... .it was really a bad thing on my part to rush into this relationship falling in head over heels in love with this amazing female who adored me left right and center ... .then just because the cream layer in town warns me about her to my dad ... .and dad in turn telling me and me seeking some of my friends help to find out about her was probably a bad ass move on my part ... .every man or woman have some dirty laundry stowed away some place and no one is going to like someone discovering them and shaming them. ... .I am just giving my ex the benefit of doubt that's all. ... .

   IT COULD ALSO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND PROBABLY ITS ME WHO IS A BODERLINE. . I AM ALSO TRYING TO EXPLORE THAT FASCIA OF MINE ... .YOU NEVER KNOW ... .

     MY INSECURITY AND LARGELY IMPULSIVITY AND ACTING OR SAYING WITHOUT THINKING HAS LANDED ME IN TROUBLED WATERS a few times. ...

     THEN AGAIN IT CANT BE ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME I HAVE A FATHER AND A SISTER WHOM I AM CONCERNED ABOUT  I cannot make this girl my first and only priority all the time ... .she was like marry me fast let's have kids let's do this let's do that I mean I am no teenager but I was 27 at that time and she was 32 and for me I felt that she was taking reigns over my life and felt scared

   

  I am a meek and very timid sort of guy basically but I portray myself as someone else ... .I have had a not to say a difficult childhood but sort of ___ty my mum passed away when I was 10 dad was away at work I lived with my grandparents  yeah my famiy is quite well off and I did have the best of everything growing up. ... .no issues there. dad's  amorous activities which I came to know off later on I mean when I was in my early twenties made me sick to the core... .yeah well something like a Robin cook novel ... .dad's a famous surgeon and women were throwing themselves at him n all that I was sad ... .I didn't want to tread the same path ... .and that's partly why I was quite upset when I found out about my exs past that I did rub it onto her face ... .

        Yeah well folks this is about it will update you all soon ... .

         My question is just this will she come back? Or am I building myself castles in the air... .

     

As to ur question livednlearned madam I don't know what to think anymore ... .she cut me off completely last may blocked me on whatsapp changed her number in October last and now this stupid phone of mine decides one day to dial her number on whatsapp and I get the cold shoulder but indirectly thru my sister this warning ... .and okay normally if that be the case I would delete better yet block that contact on my phone but she hasn't done that ... .that's the epiphany of this thing I'm confused. ... .it feels sort of like the sherlock Holmes the game of Shadows movie haha literally ... .I'm waiting to heat from her but god alone knows why on earth has she kept her end of the line open it just like the final showdown scene in that movie "two can play at that game sort of a move" my intentions are either a closure or me surrendering myself to her demands and her taking me back in ... .what her intentions are I cannot fathom ... .

    Judging from her what's app activity I don't think she has anyone at the moment. ... .she did have someone earlier though that's my gut instinct. ... but why when I have done some soul searching and learned the basic thing that in a relationship you have to give in most of the time for it to sail smooth do I get her coming at me bearing her fangs ... .I know this that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. ... .I wish I could show her the changed me ... .the true me ...

Call me a glutton for punishment ... .but does anyone here think that she will come back ... .? If so what should I do. ... .

red-flag

Aswin. 

I see your emotional pain and suffering in your posts and therefore I have this urge to respond to your posts.

You have a false belief that this one woman is key to your happiness... .a total false belief... .but I understand how it feel when a pwBPD leaves and leaves you in shock.

Happiness is within you and its your responsibility to make yourself happy.

I see why she might not be attracted again to you:

(1) you come across as a weak and timid guy who lacks self confidence and capacity to show to her that you have "balls of steel" and know how to live and enjoy life.

(2) your constant thinking obsessively to get her back ... itself is a problem as she might perceive it as weakness and desperateness. She loses attraction.

Not just pwBPD, almost all women get attracted to strong, self confident man who refuses to take "___" and knows how to walk away and still be happy.

As far your question... .if she will ever come back... .my answer is YES if you stop all ways of contact ... .I mean all  and make her realize that you have guts to leave and move on.

Be a strong man... by putting your energy into your work... .develop your personality, make muscles and groom and laugh (hide your pain and appear strong ) In subtle manner news of these changes ... .new and evolved you might reach her indirect way. She might start thinking you are a strong guy and know how to get off the ground.

And, if you have a huge amount of money and gift a big chunk as gifts to your sister and her close friends... .pwBPD will think ,she might have lost a great guy.

Like all women, pwBPD love a strong ,confident, smart and resourceful man who does not need a woman's shoulder to cry ... .but is very independent, a have ability to provide guidance and a shoulder to his woman... .

I see you come across as this beaten down, weak ,loser man... .no woman can respect... .and mark my words... if a woman can not respect a man... .she has great difficulty loving that man.

Lastly, my sincere advice... .STOP PITY PARTY... .BE THE REAL MAN ... .BUILD YOURSELF... .if she returns fine ... if not you will be loved by some loving woman who will be able to respect you and therefore easily love you.

Please don't feel I am attacking you... .you really need to a man with strong mind and balls of steel.

I wanted to respond to wanttoknowmore's message that I agree with in part- to take care of yourself and build yourself up but what concerned me was the indirect messages to the ex through the sister, especially buying gifts to show you have money. Would you really want someone to be in a relationship with you for your money?  Would you be left wondering if that someone liked you or only your money? Also any indirect messaging or doing things with intent to influence someone else is a basis for co-dependency and although it may attract your ex, the same kinds of relationship issues that are causing you to be distressed may continue.

But if you want to work with a therapist to heal your wounds, learn to be emotionally healthy for yourself and  then be open to attract someone who is also capable of an emotionally healthy relationship,  then I think working with a counselor to be that person, is an idea to pursue.

Thanks NotWendy for clarifying.  

In fact what I meant to say is to show her that you are hardworking, resourceful, kind and generous (gifts being symbols of  generocity) .

Symbolically, indicating to her that you are strong , independent ... yet kind and generous and she can count on you for support  and consistency.

My main point was not to come across as weak and needy as it scares a pwBPD as she wants to be taken care of.

Its a trade of (just like any other relationship) ... .if you enjoy her as your partner and in return ,are willing to do what it takes to deal with the chaos which comes with pwBPD, that's its OK.

Its your choice.

I agree- weak and needy is not attractive to people in general- not just women with BPD. I encourage ASHWIN to get help to be emotionally stronger - regardless of her decision - it will help him.

Thank u folks for ur input it's a tad bit too unsavory for me right now. ... .but considering what i was.a few months ago I have reached a point where my concious part has begun to realise that anything that I might do to convince her will be seen as a threat and used against me ... .through my sister but still subconsciously I still haven't gotten over her ... .it's like my mind is tuned only to think of the good times and it's sort of phasing out the nasty ones... .like how u told maybe the subconscious is tricking me into thinking that this woman is the key to my happiness. ... .but consciously it tells me otherwise ... .I wake up sometimes still missing her terribly ... .feeling lost and thinking about what if the same old girl was in my life? ? It's a real herculean task to suppress those emotions. . My folks are infact telling me that I should consider myself lucky that I got out of the relationship quite easily. ... .I don't know what they mean to imply. ... .

     I admit I  was  infact too childish ... .earlier on but now my perceptions have changed of things. ... .I mean I have seen reality and I feel scared I have always depended on someone to take my decisions for me ... .yeah I'm quite incapable of that but nowadays I feel that I have changed atleast to a certain extent ...

          I'm so into this karma bull___ that I used to feel rotten for treating her that way ... .but I have learnt it the hard way that certain things are beyond ur control and whatever is meant to happen will happen. ...

         I felt sad for her when she told me about her ex bf treating her so bad thrashing her n all that ... .she even told me that she has left all her trouble to Jesus and he will see to it that they are dealt with ... .she even told me that she would have lodged a police report on het ex but then again thought about her exs family and didn't do so... .quite something isn't it I mean her now telling my sister that she would lodge a police report on me for harassment. ... haha quite something right. ...

     At this juncture even though I sometimes yearn for her ... .I have begun to feel that maybe I am better of without her In my life ... .because it's not always that I can stand her mood swings. ... I mean no sane person can ... .I understand that I do have some self esteem issues but that doesn't exactly qualify me to be her toy for abuse... .no I can't

         I have dated 5 girls in the past year all of them swooning over me ... .but even then my primal instinct used to hint of a possibility of cheating. . I know what a loser I am right? ?

          My conscience only brings time and again back just one episode when my dad was admitted I haf no one for moral support just her she used to be there for me ... .I mean I cannot forget that ...

          She used to insinuate sex often but then I used to tell her that iam not ready for it and that we'll have it after marriage ... .haha I know what u are thinking what a loser right. .she forced me into having sex with her when my dad was in the hospital yeah I am shamelessly admitting that thing ... .she told me if u really love me as how u profess so make love to me... .

     Believe me there used to be touchy touchy Feely Feely but never got into the actual act even though she used to request for it.

     I was suicidal a couple of months ago ... .yeah being a surgeon I do have  access to medications that can ensure a painless exit ... .my anesthesiologist was quite concerned and took me to a psychiatrist anf he told me something he said that after I told him about her and her past ... .he said that this girl is impulsive by nature and give it some time and she will come back to me ... .this was in January this year ... .by sheer happenstance I happened to stumble upon this site and till about last month I used to go thru all the posts without joining but her attitude made me join this group. ... .and I am really happy for the f

Good folks taking time off their busy schedules to jot down their opinion ... .let me tell u guys I haven't met you or I guess neither will I ? But i am eternally grateful for ur support ... .I guess a shot of reality every now n then brings you to ground level ... .

    Despite all this her last warning was on the 16th of April ... .the masochistic personality in me still longs for her ... .

P.s ... .my psychiatrist told me that she is an impulsive female and that she will realize her mistakes and get back to me which she hasn't ... .he wanted me to take some meds which I didn't I mean there is only one thing that I am good at really good at that's surgeries ... .I cannot let some stupid meds get in the way of my surgeries. ...

   

  Thank you guys  ... .people who are reading this post please I am begging u guys to jot down whatever you guys feel ... .tq

Thank u wanttoknowmore and not wendy... .guys words can't describe my gratitude for ur words of wisdom. ...

Hi ASHWIN,

You are not a loser. Thinking that about yourself may be a big reason why you're in the predicament you're in right now.

You had a really really tough experience as a child, and adults who were not giving you the kind of validation and security you needed as a child, especially after such a significant loss. It's possible that no one helped you process the grief, and it sounds like your dad's way of dealing with his own heartache was to have sex with many women. You had no one to help you through that very difficult time, and it probably left a big hole in your heart.

Sometimes we are more vulnerable to BPD relationships because the size of the need we have. People with BPD have an unstable sense of self, and for a short period of time, your ex was able to be who you needed her to be. Being someone else for a while is not something she could sustain, and you started to see a different person.

What you long for is the feeling of someone being everything you need, and for someone who is BPD, that is not sustainable. In fact, it's the opposite.

To be with her, if she ever came back, you would have to work on yourself to the point where you never again say or feel that you are a loser.She needs someone very (very) strong and resilient, someone who is not needy. For some of this, this can be an entire evolution of personality, doing very difficult and deep work to understand why we feel less than whole.

At this moment in time, she has split you so black (i.e. made threats) that you put yourself in danger if you try to get back with her. Use this time to work on yourself. Learn to feel good about the man you are. Fill the hole with your own love.

If this woman comes back to you, make sure you have a good therapist in your life to help you. Therapists who work with pwBPD have their own therapists. It takes emotional strength to be in these relationships and anything less is very painful and toxic to the relationship. You have a demanding job with a lot of responsibility and she would likely feel abandonment when you made work a priority, as she did before.

Your sister did you a great favor by not disclosing the nature of the text messages. If you are struggling with your feelings of attachment to this woman, come here and we'll walk alongside you. Find a good therapist who will help you piece together why the compulsive urges. You did not drive her away, you are not the cause of the break up. While you could've done things to mitigate the conflict, she was, and is, and will always be BPD, someone with a profound fear of abandonment and a tremendous amount of pain that she carries with her, and has been carrying around before you came into the picture.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and get centered. Right now you're pretty close to the ledge and that is not a good place to be in even if she did come back. In a matter of time, you two would be in the same place. She would need you to be stable and grounded and centered and even-keeled whether she is unhinged or not.

Thank you livednlearned ... .

            I just need one more favor ... .can u guys tell me about me going and asking my friends to get her details and confronting her about her past was a wrong thing to do? ?

         

            I mean I now know that past is something which is best left forgotten ... .did I commit a major blunder in digging up her past ... .had this been a normal human being what would have they done ? I am a hopeless romantic and a saviour ... .I have run into a lot of trouble trying to be a rescuer be it financial or work related ... .

           I cannot see people who are suffering I used to pay for my patients medical expenses sometimes going overboard financially ending up with almost nothing in the bank... .

           Thinking back although our relationship lasted only 6 or 7 months ... .i still remember she used to even be awestruck about the way I smoked a cigarette. ... she used to say that I have a peculiar and brilliant way of holding a cigarette. ... I mean come on a the way I dress, the way I spoke the way I did whatever was just phenomenal according to her suddenly the inferior trait in me became superior ... .

          Then slowly the axe started coming down I was just madly in love with this female ... my dad after he came back from the hospital was a bit of a  handful to bear ... .he used to lose his cool on and off ... .once he had gone out with his friends that's when I took out his brand new bmw  out for a spin when i got back home he was there fretting and fuming I got it stomach full from him and this happened in front of her and I was quite scared the way he was acting out ... .I guess she sensed my fear ... .from then on she started taking liberties with me giving me ultimatums and frankly I was just becoming sick ... .so finally when I left for my training she was picking on me almost daily I got so immersed into my work that I stopped caring two hoots for her tantrums ... then she started hurling curses calling me a user cheater liar I mean come on what little respect I wasn't getting from my folks or my ex ... .my so called friends patients and other health care workers were looking uto me as if I am some sort of a great surgeon. ... I mean that was quite addictive ... .I was popular at work I still am

    That's when she started saying things like u better go n die why are u alive ur sister Hates you ... your father hates you they don't want you back blah blah blah ... .don't be a burden to them ... .I lost my cool and blew my top that's when she mercilessly blocked me and the silent treatment started ... .

        A year later that's now when I asked my dad n sis they tell me that they have never spoken anything ill about me to her atall... .

         I had a long chat with my dad and he tells me that it's a blessing in disguise that she left because had she and I been married " son you would have been a nervous wreck" that's what he said ... .

         For me my dad n sister come first they are all I have but my ex used to constantly nag me saying that I just love my dad and not her ... .she used to say I know one day you will leave me ... .alll my relationships have lasted only 6 months ... .I know you too will leave. ...

      The sane part of me keeps reminding me that she will nevr be happy with whatever I do and she will keep finding faults with me had we been together. ... but the other part longs for her ... .and the balanced side of me is just lost... .

     

Guys let me remind you that I don't like assassinating her character even though she is an anonymous person to you all ... .I just want some closure that's all. .

      She had a picture of mine in her wallet and coupled with a few other things that I gave her ... .she returned them to my sister long ago itself ... .she made me keep her picture in my wallet and a few other things ... .I just want to hand them over but am in no position to do so ... .

       We me n my ex went and bought two pups one german shepherd and a pomapoo ... .they are grown now and are with me ... .whenever I see them I am reminded about her ... .I wanted to give them away but my dad n sis have become so attached to them ... .so there is no way there too... .all these mementos are keeping her memories alive in me ... .

         

   

ASWIN,

It is understandable that you have these strong feelings, and you can wish she would come back into your life, but nobody can say that she will or she won't- because nobody can read the mind of another person. She may, or she may not. If anyone responds to your poll, they are just guessing. We don't have any more ability to know than you do. Although people with BPD can have similar behaviors, each is a unique individual with a mind of their own, and they make their own choices. Some questions- have no absolute answers. Polling us for an answer to this question is putting your own answer in the hands of total strangers. Other people can say "no, move on" or "yes, wait", but the best answer for you is the one you choose to pursue for your own best interest, and if you don't know, therapists are skilled in helping people arrive at these kinds of decisions.

All we can do is make choices with what we know. At the moment, she has chosen to not be with you and it has been a year. I understand wanting closure, but sometimes we don't get absolutely clear closure in a relationship. If we want to recover, we have to make our own choices, even without clear closure. Going through thinking "if only, I should have " for  a long period of time isn't good for us.

Some things are not under our control. People can, and do, choose to leave a relationship. Then the person left is sad and grieving. It's OK to do this- it's something that one goes through, but then, somehow, the grieving person can choose to move on, to live a full life without the relationship, because that is possible. While people do wonder what, or why, sometimes it really just comes down to the other person making a choice. I have a couple of friends whose husbands have left them for someone else. These friends are nice, they have children, they have tried in their marriages and they are left wondering how their husbands can just throw all that away. But they do. People make all kinds of choices- good ones, not so good ones, but the bottom line is that we can not control anybody's choices, except our own.

This is your closure: She chose to leave. You may not really know all the why's, what, where, but you do know this: She chose to leave.

You have choices too. You can continue as you are- to wonder, think, and to hurt over this, or to take steps to change. None of this has any effect on her, but it could benefit you either way. If she doesn't come back, then you are an emotionally stronger person. If she does come back then you are a stronger person. If neither of the choices- to hurt, or to be stronger- will affect her decision either way, then why not choose to give yourself the chance to be emotionally healthier?

One concern about your post is your rescuer tendencies. As a surgeon, your skills have helped people, and this is a wonderful thing to do. However, in relationships, rescuing can lead to dysfunction. Boundaries in any relationship are important. If you are overly involved with your patients' personal predicaments- you could be crossing a professional boundary. Being admired, a "savior" can feel good, but also addicted- as one has to have a constant supply of admiration. It also places your happiness in someone else's hands- if you need their admiration to feel good about yourself. Boundaries involve taking care of yourself- paying for other people to the point of financially hurting yourself is crossing a boundary. Because needing admiration can be addictive- one can feel withdrawal symptoms when an addictive relationship ends.

Awestruck over everything you do- like smoking a cigarette must be a great feeling, but in an emotionally healthy relationship, people are not constantly awestruck over each other- real people are just that- humans, they do good things, they make mistakes. Perfection is a necessary goal in your job, but it can cause problems in a romantic relationship. In these, we can strive to be our best, but we are humans too.

The decision to get help, to heal, to gain healthy boundaries, to recover from this relationship is in your hands, not your ex's. It may take getting help- from therapists, counselors, support groups. It is good that you have already sought out help. She gave you her things back, but you still have hers. You can give them back to her through your sister- nothing is stopping you. If you can not do this for some reason, then you can put them away in a box, even give that box to your sister to hold on to so you don't keep looking at them. The dogs- that is harder. Even though you bought them with her, they are basically yours. You have been their main caretaker. Think about this: when people get divorced, they don't have to give away their kids or their pets to heal emotionally. Yet can recover with or without the dogs.

The ability to get closure is within you. I hope you will keep posting here and use the resources. I also hope you will reach out for professional help with this.

Thank you not wendy ... .I just observed something new I hate to admit it ... .but it entirely contradicts what my psychiatrist told me ... .I have again been secretly stalking my ex on whatsapp and she seems to have met someone else she is busy chatting away to glory at 1 am ... .well I guess her warning my sister was true indeed she has someone else now I mean a second guy after me I think. ... .I'm drunk and feeling tormented ... .I have only helped people but I guess this karma thing is all bull___. ...

     Just kills me to smithereens looking at her being all lovey dovey to her new guy... .I mean here was this girl who used to say that her exes made use of her and chucked her ... .I was such a sucker for love that I fell into a cliche ... .I can only tell u guys because her topic is forbidden in my house now ... .talking about her only irritates my dad n sis... .

    I don't have anyone else to vent my feelings apart from you guys... .

    I think it's better that I stop this good for nothing stalking as its only hurting me ... .gosh I never thought that I would become such a psycho. ...

      It's okay I wish her all the best I mean if she truly had BPD then god help her ... .I am not angry with her n al that I just wish her the best in life ... .

      There is no point in me ranting and raving and disturbing you guys all the time ... .I guess it's better that I take the meds... .my shrink wanted me to take venalafaxine for 6 months ... .I guess I better go into therapy

    I hate my life ... .but I just don't want to waste it on this woman I have a loving and doting father and sister I need to be there for them. ...

   I just hope that I don't wind up becoming a loser. ... .

Notwendy it's not that I am a rescuer type ... .I just can't see people die because they have no money. ... .I don't do it for being praised no no way that's not me... .I hate to see people suffering ... .and definitely it's not these people who praise me for I never tell them that I am the one who paid their bills... .there is only one thing that gives me immense pleasure that's my surgeries ...

      It's my bed side manners and my meds which make my patients adore me ... .

       I wanted to save her from her past experience but when I got to know about her past I wad shattered how can 6 or 7 guys just be nasty to such a doting female. .

        Major fights started when she once said remember god is watching all ur doings against me u lost ur mum at an early age gods been kind enough to give you another mother figure in my form I just laughed it off and told her my mother was a saintly person never ever think that ur close to what my mother was. ... .she used to brag about what her peers used to tell her they used to say that she was a model of some sort again I laughed it off I do agrre she is pretty but not a model type... .

      I don't know why I did all that jow it's all coming to bite me in the ass... .and the whole thing is just too much to bear...

        I have other females who are contacting me better younger ones but I just don't want and not am in the mood for flirting anymore. ... naah that's not me

         I have made up my mind ... .I don't want this woman in my life like how she said to my sibling I regret getting to meet her... .

         I guess I should have dumped her the very week I got to know about her. ... .she sat in my car crying and recording my voice ... .I should have never looked back. ... .but since the weak person that I am ... .on seeing how much she professed her love for me I should have considered about what people warned me

     Shucks I just feel as if I am a misfit in  life. ...

And sorry everyone I intended to put in 3 or 4 options on my poll but I messed up and ended up with just one sorry for the inconvenience ... .

I have been a pure spectator of this forum for the last 8 months or so ... .finally I decided on joining this site ... .please folks all of u reading this kindly take some time off ur busy schedule and throw in some words there have been over 1000 views to my posts kindly jot something down ... .after all we are all here to help one another right. ... .I mean my experience may come across as something childish to most of you but believe me when a person is hoping against hope which in reality is just a stupid thing to do ... .a few kind words are all what's needed to mend someone's shattered sense of being. ... .thank you all once again

ASHWIN - you are not bothering anyone by posting and you are not going to be a loser. However many people can tell you this but I hope you come to a place where you believe it.

You help a lot of people with physical problems, but you are in emotional pain. Please give some of that helping compassion to yourself. If you needed an operation - would you operate on yourself ? Of course not- you would find someone you trust to help you. I hope you will seek out someone you trust to help you with your feelings and thinking. Although you are concerned about side effects of medicine - discuss this with the doctor who would prescribe them if you need them.

You can post here, but know that many posters also seek help through therapists and support groups. Getting help can benefit you.

And if/when you are ready to detach from the relationship - the detaching board posters may be able to advise you with that.

Thanks once again not wendy. ... .I guess you guys didn't respond to one important question of mine... .was I wrong in finding out about her previous relationships and confronting her?

Ashwin, friend.

I'm going to ask you a question and it is to try and help you understand, I ask it in kindness.

Last fall I put my beloved dog to sleep.

Was I wrong to do that?

Livednlearned I don't see ur point ... .Okay let's say pardon me for my transgressions I'm just trying to get your point of view. ... .let's say suppose u n I are in a relationship I mean we are just getting to know each other and in comes the wastreles the so called good Samaritans telling me to stay away from you and I go n find out about you and confront you about having so many exes and obviously how would you react to it ... .don't you think that I too went overboard with my ex in doing that. ... I mean won't you feel helpless ... .I'm sorry I just don't have any other means of making you understand my take on thks matter... .

    I just drove a 150 miles up n down at 3 am  yesterday just to see her place ... .I saw her car parked in her house ... .I mean if she has someone she should be spending time with him right she is at home ... .and yet why this animosity towards me ... .

She used to tell me when we were together that she is planning to adopt a child if her relationship doesn't oan out ... .and on her fb she has put up a video of someone adopting a child and her quote says "waiting for that day" yes I understand that the guy whom she was with after me dumped her and now she is just plain mad at me because most of the people in her town knows her relationship with me I guess. ... .she had sort of told my sister that she regrets knowing me because she isn't able to go out freely lke before. ... .

         Folks call me stupid or jealous ... .I did go thru her phone and I did it in her presence she had told my sister that the main reason why she didn't give her nrw telly number to my sister was because she was scared that I would go thru my sisters phone and retrieve her number. ... .she had also asked my sister to delete their conversation on fb... .

         Looks like I am the reincarnation of lucifer himself ... .haha

          I just plainly miss her guys... .better younger prettier girls have approached me I have gone out on dates with them I used to just stop with coffee's alone I couldn't let it progress because in my mind I felt that I am not doing justice to my love ... .

           Just because I saw her car at her place and that she hasn't gone out with anyone during this weekend and also a fortnight ago I am forced to believe that there maybe a ray of hope somewhere

let's say suppose u n I are in a relationship I mean we are just getting to know each other and in comes the wastreles the so called good Samaritans telling me to stay away from you and I go n find out about you and confront you about having so many exes and obviously how would you react to it

What's done is done and so re-enacting this in your mind is not helping you.

I can tell you how I would react to this, but I am not her and I don't have BPD. But if you wish to know, I would feel as if you had violated my privacy by prying into my personal life. This may be information you wish to have but the way to do this is to approach someone directly, not pry. I would be angry that someone snooped into my background instead of asking me.

ASHWIN, you are very distressed over her and as much as you want some kind of answer to whether there is hope for the two of you, asking strangers is not going to get an answer based on her feelings. We don't know them. This is also indirectly trying to get information about her that only she can tell you. The only way to get an answer is to ask her. And if she tells you no, believe her. Because to respect her and her boundaries, you need to respect her wishes.

As well as her privacy. Driving all night to get information about where she is sleeping is spying.

She isn't doing all this- you are- and you have the choice to continue this, or not, and/or seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings as this is distressing you.

Thank you not wendy. ... .this is exactly what she felt and told me ... .when I did the things I did ... .I was immature and I did give in to what others were extrapolating ... .trust me all what I wanted to knkw is this whether she will also leave me ... .which she did eventually. ... .I did ask her I promise you but she was sort of defensive and that made me suspicious and the rest is history. ... .

    I cannot forget her nor her moral support ... and I didn't just drive down to check up on her I wanted to seee her car because that really does have a lot of good memories in it no doubt. ... .

    What can I do at this juncture where she does not want anything to do with me anymore and any sort of contact is only going to make matters worse. ... a possibility of cops being involved. ... .

    I don't mind or care how many relationships she has had or she has I just want her that's all... .

    From these things what do u think am I the one with BPD here ... .beacuse I have read from this forum and elsewhere that the BPD exes try to contact their exes within intervals ... .which is what I am doing ... aren't I?

   And here I was labeling her as BPD ... .

    All these people cautioned me about her saying that she is a nympho manic and so on I couldn't stand it ... .I swear ... .

   

What can you do when she has stated she does not want to be contacted by you, even to the point that the cops are involved?

One option would be - that if you care about her- you would respect her feelings and stop stalking her.

I can't tell you if either of you have BPD- none of us on this board can make diagnoses of anyone.

I hope that you will seek out professional help to deal with your feelings. I think that the posters here can share information about getting over a relationship. This board is here to support each other. But none of us are able to change anyone's mind- hers or yours. In any relationship there needs to be respect for each persons boundaries. This includes your exes boundaries. You may have reasons to see her place and her car, but whatever they are- it is stalking - and that violates a boundary. You wanting to do this doesn't change her boundary.

This kind of behavior is not being kind or caring to her- and not to you either- as it does not serve you to heal from the relatipnship. It also won't be good for you- or your career. I hope you will get some professional help to help yourself stop doing this .

Not wendy ... .yes I am ashamed to admit that what I am doing is in a way stalking ... .I feel lost without her... .she is like a drug to be around ... .I mean she was very very very concerned about me when we were together ... .I just am not able to get past that ... .from everything to nothing that's what I am now... .

   When she initially told my sister that she was getting married and asked me to stay away from her husband I was very upset sought a shrinks help ... fast forwarding 4 months on getting to know she is still single and the guy whom she was seeing left opened up another set of possibilities in my mind that maybe she might reconsider taking me back again. ... but all my attempts were met with futility that's about it. ...

      Okay let's say that she is a normal woman won't she have atleast an itsy bitsy thought about me about us ? Or let's say for a person who has had some previous relationships is it easy for her to move on just like that without missing a single heartbeat. ...

       

I think it all depends on how well you know your partner. My ex threatened me with restraining order in a text when she ran away. I didn't see her face-to-face until she made a move by coming into my studio and leaving her copies of my car and studio keys, as well as the money for the engagement ring, while I was at work. I drove over to her place and had a chat with her. Her roommates didn't even bother to prevent me from entering because they knew something was off with her recent actions.


From my experience, my ex did have feelings. From the above-mentioned situation (this past Wednesday) She didn't slam her room door in my face and asked me to go away. In fact, she allowed me in and we talked for hours... .to the point that we got intimate. Part of her mindset was that we had those physical and emotional intimacies while we dated. My circumstances are obviously much different as she and I were each other's first physical relationship. In fact, the following night when she finally decided to drive off, she mentioned how there was no way for her to be near me and not want to have some sort physical engagement.

Of course, complications may happen... .as I'm hoping she didn't get pregnant from our recent encounter... .

Thank u leonais... .tomorrow marks 1 year of our breakup ... .every hope of a patch up has been shot to hell and beyond ... .

   

  On these boards I did read about a lot of people whose exes have come back to them

... well mine is a different story I guess ... .anyways thank you all for ur advise and help ... .I am really grateful for that

  I guess like how she used to threaten me when we were together " listen to me I know that u will crumble if I leave you and if I leave there is no turning back for me once I'm gone I'm gone so u better play ur cards well ashwin" I didn't pay any heed to her words and now here I am pining for her just like she had predicted. ... I guess I learned my lesson the hard way ... .

       Now I know for sure that she won't ever come back ... .I guess that's my story ...

My ex and I got back together two months after our first break up. Three weeks later, there was a fallout and then we made up a week later. In my mind, things worked out just fine until mid-April this year and it took a month to resolve almost everything.

But, according to her, we had a fallout some time in October. Then, December, and again in February. I'm pretty sure what they consider as transgressions and actual timeline of events are vastly different than what you perceived. What I thought of as having minor hiccups during those times were obviously mountains to her.

I'm so sorry to read that it's been a year. I hope that you are coping well. I wish I could say more, but I'm a newb to these things and I'm just experiencing what appears to be a pretty permanent break up even though there are still indicators of it not being completely over yet.

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