BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

It's been quite a while since I've visited.  I usually come here seeking advice when things are at their worst (or to just unleash compounded frustration in the form of complaining !)

The fact that it's been a while is two-fold, and long story short, some things I've learned to live with and others I've refused to deal with.  More on that another day.

Right now, seeking advice-

My wife is now diagnosed, but her psychologist has decided not to tell her.  This was decided in a discussion I had with the psy, where I initiated, and the psy spoke only briefly because of confidentiality (although I'm on the hippa form as authorized to discuss), but anyways, the wife is so afflicted, that her psy thinks she would be unable to accept the diagnosis anyways and in that case, would likely worsen her condition.

So, she (the wife), cannot hold a job.  Her personal best is under 1.5 years.  We are in our 40's, and she's reduced to temp agencies, and even then, the vast majority of them won't talk to her anymore.  She has nothing but a string of conflicts at every job.  You won't be surprised that it's always other people at those places- she will text bomb me some days about someone being snarky with her, or will refer to them as uneducated, childish, lazy, etc...

But when things start going wrong for her (impending firing ... she can sense it coming, or just as often chase it down with a baseball bat), she will start playing that role of the victim... everyone there hated her, she was sabotaged, etc... . 

And I'm stuck- if I don't absolutely devote myself to validating her, or else now I'm blaming her - and she can nail herself to the cross with the best of them- believe me. 

Well, she's been at a job almost 2 months, and I can even feel the tsunami of termination heading her (our) way.  I'm just SO not up for this, but I don't have a choice- I have to either deal with it one way or the other, and no way is a good way.

Totally understand this, a list of bullies as long as a telephone directory, I have given up on my wife holding a job and in fact advise against. lasting a week would be a miracle.

Are you familiar with the Karpmann drama triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

You probably can't change her but you can work on how best to avoid playing your part of being landed with wearing the persecutor or rescuer hat depending how best it suits her.

Every victim needs a persecutor and a rescuer to validate their failings are due to being a victim. They get stuck in that role, and need the other players to validate it.

Yeah, my wife is very similar. She's been able to hold some jobs for a longer period of time, but only when she's able to ally with people who are willing to tolerate the complaining and infighting. From the outside, it's hard for me to tell if she starts the fighting or if she just dials up the drama that is already there.

But the narrative is usually the same. First, she loves everyone at the new job. Then there are a few people who irritate her. Then she's being persecuted and in the middle of a civil war. Then, she's under some kind of corrective plan or out on her ass.