BPDFamily.com

This past week there were multiple drama triangles going on all over my family. Since this is the coping and healing board I will stay focused on the ones that involve family. This past Wednesday my daughter spent the night at a hotel in the city with a friend and her mom and was supposed to go to my parents after. What my mother didn't tell me is that she had told my daughter to meet her at work which was down the street from the hotel. My daughter didn't tell me my mother told her this either. When my daughter's friend's mother asked me where to drop her off I called my mother on the phone to confirm and my mother didn't answer. Since my daughter's friend's mother needed to go I told her to drop her off at a bus stop since my daughter said she was going to my brother's house instead. My daughter ended up going to the park to get high and got lost on the way to my brother's. Of course my mother freaked out and said she was going to go to the police station at 3, which I thought was a good idea since I had found out what my daughter's plan was by reading her iMessages.

Long story short my daughter ended up showing up at my brother's house on time. She later admitted to my brother she got high and much later admitted it to me.

Meanwhile my mother is totally freaking out and telling me she wanted nothing to do with me and my daughter's "dynamic". I was like "excuse me? Dynamic? There's no dynamic here, that was all her doing" but of course my mom didn't want to hear that. Originally my mother, yes, my mother, had offered to have my daughter spend half of spring break with her and half of spring break with my brother, I believed I had posted about that last week. Well, as it turns out she really had no interest at all in having my daughter over, she just wanted to work. My mom has a serious workaholism problem, it adversely affected me as a teen, and now its adversely affecting my daughter. My mom totally split my daughter black, telling me she didn't want to be held responsible for what my daughter did between her house and my apartment and I was like "Huh? where did I say I would blame you?" I was trying to encourage my mother not to give up on my daughter and I was trying to tell her that she, as her grandmother, could have a positive influence my daughter but my mother didn't want to hear it.

My second to last therapist had warned me not to expect that my parents would be different grandparents then they were parents. This past week really brought it home to me. Meanwhile my dad was totally in the background not getting involved at all

So my daughter ended up spending no days at my mother's after all that planning, which my mother pointed out to me. My mother tried to blame it on my daughter but when I told my mother I had heard nothing about my daughter meeting her at work she said nothing. So now my mom's not talking to me again. I had offered to meet her for coffee after work the next time she was in my area but nothing.

... .

It sounds like your mother doesn't have the capacity to deal with her teenage GD. Will you try again at some point, or is this clear confirmation that grandma needs to stay in the background?

It was my  mother's idea and that was part of her messaging to me: that she had been planning this for 2-3 weeks while my daughter was the one who changed her mind 2-3 times. Well, that's not true on my mother's part. My mother did not tell me that she told my daughter to meet her at work and further more my daughter did not know where my mother worked. I told my mother all she had to do was tell me that she told my daughter to meet her at work and I would have told her where to go.

Frankly I'm very disappointed in my mother however I am not forgetting what my second to last therapist told me: don't expect my parents to be better grandparents then they were parents. That's really hitting home now. I don't see that therapist anymore but I have put in a call to get a new one because so much is going on right now.

I don't get my mom. On Christmas she's all warm and fuzzy with my daughter, giving her an emoji pillow, then she sent my daughter an Easter card and a post card from the museum, then this happens. Its crazy making, to say the least.

The therapist saw your mom for who she was. That's easy for her to do so, not being your mom's daughter. As painful as it might be for you to desire a healthy mother, protect your daughter. Your mother isn't going to change, being who she is.

Thanks Turkish, my daughter doesn't even care, she said she didn't want to go there anyway, it was boring, she was just going to make grandmother feel better. What a mess.

At least your daughter was trying to be nice to your mother even if it didn't work out.

Actually my daughter was not, she did not tell me what my mother told her. I'll see if I can cover this in another topic.