BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I have a question. Does anybody know of any article that describes why it is so difficult for us to detach from our ex's with BPD. I believe I have reached a good level of understanding about the reasons we get so attached, why this ends up resembling an addiction almost and his and mine role in this relationship, but I find myself having a difficult time explaining to others why I am still struggling. I have friends who started getting frustrated, I have others who almost seem dissapointed that I have gotten myself in such a situation and don't seem to be able to let it go completely and others who are just sad. I have accepted that it is almost impossible to make others understand if they have never been in such a situation and I kind of gave up on trying to explain but there are a couple of friends who I would really want to give them an idea as to why this break up is not a "normal" break up... .

Does anybody know of any articles or other resources that I could use to explain the situation better?

Have you looked at Shari Shreiber?

I think I may have but probably before I found bpdfamily. Is this the person who there is some controversy about regarding her approach on BPD? I will have a look. Thanks bibi!

I think so but if you google on something like 'why is letting go of BPD ex so hard' this article by her comes up that might explain it to people that 'are not in the know'. I didn't want to post the link here I'm not sure if it would be appreciated. If you know Paul Simon you'll recognize the article when you find it.

What about Randi Kreger?

Or articles from this site?

hi penelope35  

youre right, it is very difficult if not impossible if one has not been party to our relationship, to understand. im not sure there is any one article or resource that can get it across. here are three that may provide some perspective:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves   (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves)

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder   (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm)

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective   (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a103.htm)

if your friends are willing to watch, this is an excellent video that might get it across in ways an article might not: https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder


yes. Shari Schreiber: Online Reputation, Independent Review   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.0)

Thank you bibi. I found some articles by shreiber but I find them a little too much... .If I refer them to something like this they will probably get more upset and be like what are you feeling sorry about?  let go of this monster  :) I will maybe use parts of different  articles to try and give them the picture.

Hi Penelop35,

You may already know this but early childhood development attachment styles can help or make it difficult to transition out of a relationship. I hope that helps.

POLL: Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.0)


Hang in there.

Thank you once removed. This situation  is difficult in every way possible. It's such a struggle for us to understand and accept (I don't think I have reached acceptance yet) everything that has happened and on top of that I have such a hard time answering to people "how on earth did I end up struggling for such a heartless person"... .

Thank you for the references. I will probably use parts of different articles with some people who I would really like them to understand. With the rest I am just going to go along with the impression they have that I am still crying for a married man who presented himself as single and only wanted to cheat on his wife and have fun with me... .What can I do... .

I can't see JQ's post any more. JQ I am sorry the video has trigerred you... .I hope you have stayed strong and haven't reached out to her. I hope you followed the words of encouragement you use with us and you have chosen the sunshine instead 

Read the article and found in helpful to a degree. I need more. Where can I find more?

Can you be a bit of 2 styles? How do you determine what style someone has when they present themselves as someone else? For example looking back at how my ex was once we were together he was definitely avoidant with a bit of anxious mixed in. But before I dived in he talked about me meeting his parents, about having told his mum about me. Which is far from avoidant. So how do you tell what is the real style and what is the style of the person they perhaps wish they were?

The tools as well, I need more practical examples to really grasp what to do how. Where can I find that?

Doesn't go just for this article only by the way. I like the articles but they for me just touch the surface and leave me wondering where to turn next. It's like being given a nail with no clue on where to find a hammer or even what a hammer looks like... Just a description that it's a metal thingy on top of a wooden thingy and it's out there somewhere. Sorry but it feels frustrating.

It has its own thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292861.0

WBB: the article seems to be a riff on attachment theory, which is about how a child's relationship with its primary caregiver affects its social development. Maybe you would be interested in reading up on that?

Here is an amateur synopsis:

The basic idea is that there is an attachment period--starting usually at around 6 months old--when a baby needs to create a bond with one special person so that it knows it is safe and protected and seen. Failure in attachment impacts the child's later ability to regulate emotions. The bulk of the formation of that bond supposedly happens the first year, though attachment behavior goes on up until around three.

The quality of that attachment varies a lot. For instance, if a caregiver who depressed during the attachment period, or ill, or is for any other reason distracted from the baby, or obviously if the baby is abused by the primary caregiver, the attachment suffers. Also, prolonged periods of separation and a lot of moving around are not good for attachment. In general, the idea is to create a stable, predictable one on one relationship that becomes a platform from which to explore the world.

(Incidentally, I recently learned that I was left with a babysitter for a month when I was 10-11 months old--a big no-no! Also, my mother suffered from depression, and I moved 10 times over three states by the time I was three. OOPS!)

Anyhow... .

Attachment theory makes reference to four behavior patterns that correspond to different attachment styles. They came out of an experiment in which babies were observed responding to situations in which they are separated from caregivers and introduced to strangers. (It's more in-depth than that, but this is the basic idea, I think.) Behavior generally fell into four categories. I will cut and paste. The first three patterns more or less correspond to the styles in the article

Secure Attachment: A child who is securely attached to its caregiver will explore freely while the caregiver is present, will engage with strangers, will be visibly upset when the caregiver departs, and happy to see the caregiver return.

The child will not engage with the stranger if the caregiver is not in the room.

Anxious-Ambivalent Insecure Attachment: A child with an anxious-resistant attachment style is anxious of exploration and of strangers, even when the caregiver is present.  When the caregiver departs, the child is extremely distressed.  The child will be ambivalent when she returns and will seek to remain close to the caregiver, but will be resentful, and also resistant when the caregiver initiates attention.

Anxious-Avoidant Insecure Attachment: A child with an anxious-avoidant attachment style will avoid or ignore the caregiver and show little emotion when the caregiver departs or returns.  The child will not explore very much, regardless of who is there.  Strangers will not be treated very differently from the caregiver.  There is not much emotional range displayed regardless of who is in the room or if it is empty.

A fourth patterns was identified later, which does not seem to have an analog in that article:

Disorganized Attachment: the child expresses odd or ambivalent behavior toward the parent, (i.e. first running up to them, then immediately pulling away, perhaps even running away from the parent, curling up in a ball or hitting the parent.)  The child’s first impulse may be to seek comfort from the parent, but as they get near the parent, they feel fear to be in their proximity, demonstrating their disorganized adaption.

Each of those behavior patterns are predictive of later behavior in relationships, which is where that article comes in.


EDIT: there's a wikipedia entry for Mary Ainsworth's experiment, which is called the Strange Situaion test.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strange_situation

Thanks Mutt this is a helpful article. It makes me think that pwBPD have both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles and alternate between the two according to the kind of fear they are experiencing - fear of abandonment or engulfment.

Woundedbibi I think it is logical for people to have a mixture of attachment styles depending on the circumstances, the kind of triggers it has etc. More so in the case of pwBPD where their biggest limitation is not being able to form secure attachments no matter what the circumstances are.

the article is adapted from the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" which can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279027.msg12639672#msg12639672