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Last night I went with a friend to a MeetUp event. My ex-uBPDgf is a member of the group. She originally RSVPed "yes," but later decided not to go. Then my friend invited me. Whether or not she changed her RSVP because my friend was going (who introduced us), I do not know.

Somebody there who we both know asked me about the situation. I simply said, "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to create drama for her or myself." That was the end of it.

I decided not to feed into the drama. Maybe she decided not to go because there would be a possibility that I would be there. I don't know. She could have come out and had a good time. I hold no ill feelings toward her. None. I wouldn't have caused a scene or created problems for her. I would have been polite and civil. I would have even been downright friendly if my company seemed appreciated.

The organizer posted pics of me on the website. She'll find out that I was there. I was told "do not contact me again" without a reason why. I refuse to feed into the game and create more drama. You can't lose if you don't play. If she wants to be anti-social, at home, and miserable, that's her problem. She's responsible for her behavior, not me.

Oh yes indeed... .sometimes, silence really is golden.   

I'm actually very conflicted. I have a strong impulse to contact her, but I'm not going to. If she contacts me I will be receptive to what she has to say. But I'm not going out of my way to beg someone who told me not to contact them again and wants to play the martyr. You dig?

You have taken the high road Sweet tooth, head held high, no contribution to any drama or gossiping or childish behaviour AND you went out  |iiii  

You have reason to be proud!

Did you have a good night?

Thanks, Bibi! That means a lot to me. I miss her terribly, I really do. However, I refuse to be a part of childish behavior. If she wants to be a recluse, it's on her. If she wants to say, "I can't go to the MeetUp because of Sweet Tooth," it's a cognitive distortion, especially since SHE discarded ME. It's hard to play the victim when you're responsible for the issue! 

Yea, I had a pretty good time. Saw someone who's company I enjoy who I haven't seen in awhile. Met some new people.

That's so good to hear! Good for your confidence, self worth, the works!

Ah! It makes ME feel good you had a good night!

Hear, hear! Way to go Sweet tooth! That high road is hard to take but the view is certainly rewarding, isn't it? I'm impressed and need this as my role model for dealing with my ex and his victim act in public. What you said was perfect. So dignified!  |iiii

Thank you, Bibi and Hurtin!

Hurtin, I'm choosing to view it this way: I went out and had fun. She didn't. Yes, I still feel badly about the situation, but I'm not sulking home alone! In other words, she's hurting more than I am! And so is your person and her "victim."

As much as you're suffering, the other person is suffering more. Yes it's sad. Yes, we want to help. Yes, we still care about them. But no, their happiness is NOT our responsibility. Our happiness is NOT due to them. WE are responsible for our happiness.

You're right Sweet Tooth. It's sometimes difficult to remember. I had a rough weekend full of ruminating and remembering and grasping at the straws of the truth and for the first time in months having to fight myself in my sudden longing to contact him. Triggered by a picture in which I could see the permanent damage the alcohol has done to the skin of his face... I should not have been digging around... I have trouble stopping myself lately. Maybe it's because of his new job that triggered me, maybe it's because my physical health is improving; now I'm in less physical pain and no longer on morphine I'm doing some steps of the detaching I should have done earlier on but couldn't. I did reach an important milestone today tough: I showered standing up today for the first time in 7 months!

Congratulations, Bibi! Was your deteriorating physical health a result of the relationship?

I would like to point out that I haven't closed the door on my person. She's on the mild side of the disorder as far as I can tell. I'm just choosing not to engage in drama.

No and yes. I have just been diagnosed with CRPS. It's a kind of dystrophy. It probably started a few years ago after I broke my meniscus. But stress has a negative influence on CRPS. And the relationship was stressful of course. Then the way my ex painted me black, roped in his flying monkeys, started the smear campaign, basically tried to break me, it was too much. It took the doctors a long time to find out what is wrong and I will probably never fully recover. I will need to rethink my career (too stressful), my apartment (no lift), basically my life. And in the midst of all that one picture of him with damaged skin is almost enough for me to reach out... After the picture was taken he went out apparently to drink himself silly on flying deer... To damage the other side of his face I guess...

I'm sorry that you are having so many health issues! That sounds very stressful. Your ex sounds more toxic than mine is. Mine doesn't have any chemical addictions.