BPDFamily.com

Often I ask myself - why does my BPDw stay with me?

Every week she'll complain that I:

- don't emotionally support her

- don't compliment her enough

- don't do enough housework

- don't manage the kids properly

- am boring

- she can't have a good conversation with me

... .but she'll also say she "loves me more than I'll ever know".

If she really believes all that - why stay with such a bum?

Just nod and move on... .

Because everyone is a bum, easier to kick the bums they are familiar with

I get the same kind of thing. I'm inconsiderate, I'm a poor listener, I'm clumsy, I don't show enough interest when she's speaking, and so on.

But better the bum you know, as waverider says.

I heard similar stuff for years.  I was also abusive, condescending and treated her like a child, like her opinions and desires didn't matter.  None of it true to a normal person. She wanted to separate, divorce, sick and tired of it all.

I tried validating for awhile but it never seemed to go away.  At best, it just kicked the can down the road a few days. Maybe I was doing it wrong and needed more practice.  Eventually, though, I called her on it.  Got a lawyer and the contacts for some mediators, started discussing custody and splitting the assets, mentioned how she could be free of it all, manage her own money/stuff, heal from the trauma I've caused her.  Her life would be much better.  Alot of it stopped and if she brings up now and then and bring up this stuff and it stops.  She got crazy at first, but now when it happens she just gets squirrelly for awhile and then tries to reconnect with me.  It puts me in a much better position.  I can then concentrate better on taking care of the family without the distraction.

" I hate you, don't leave me"

I think some of this is projection.

I've heard all of that and a few more... .lol.  I've actually asked her why she stays with me if I'm that bad of a person.  She told me that sometimes people stay in abusive physical relationships too because they love the person and hope for change... .go figure.  She got that part right; she just mixed up the roles.