BPDFamily.com

Good morning everyone. I'll apologize in advance as I'm typing this in my cel. Quick summary: I have two sons, ages 12 and 15. Both are adopted (from different birth lineages) and both are native to the east coast of the Us. The younger of the two is the victim here. Only one of the two is showing symptoms of BPD (the older).

Like all of you, I love my children with every fiber of my body. That said, I am extremely worried about the actions of the older one and their impact on the younger.

Starting in grade 1, my older son showed signs of anxiety. By grade 3 he was diagnosed with ADHD and by grade 5 was in a pediatric psych facility (one week). Today he is all over the map. On his good days, he is a joy to be around. He's sweet, caring, and treats everyone with respect. On his bad days (which are becoming more and more freuqent), he lies, steals, bullies his brother, checks out at school and fights over even the smallest homework assignment, shows zero ability to control impulses and has basically no friends.

The reason I am hoping this forum and web site is to get some perspective. Am I alone? Why am I so ashamed? Am I overreacting? I hope I can add to the community as well.

Hello Big_Daddy and welcome to bpdfamily    I'm dashing off to a meeting and wanted to say a quick  hi. I have one daughter so can't really comment on the impact of siblings ... .which is often discussed here, so you can expect someone to pop by soon.

WDx

Hi Big Daddy!

You've found a great place where you no longer have to feel ashamed and alone.  For me, it's been a huge help.  Sorry to hear of your son's struggles and the effects on his younger brother.  But it sounds like you've had some professional intervention and that's a great thing that you should feel good about. Our son struggled starting in adolescence and we thought we could parent him through it.  It wasn't until this winter, after years of heartache and drama that I put 2 and 2 together and realized he had BPD traits and he's about to turn 21.  Just realizing that and educating myself about how to best deal with it has made a world of difference.  We got a lot of blame from him and I felt immense shame regarding it all.  But after I spent time here reading so many similar stories, I understood that we tried our best, had good intentions and we are good, caring parents.  Our son's personality is what it is for whatever reason.  What we do going forward is the most important thing and this site will help you figure out what that is.

Good Luck! 

 

I remember age 15 with my BPDDD soon to be 30. She had a similar path as you describe for you son, though the dx started sooner. The ADHD dx was at age 4, then bipolar at age 6 (during psych hospital 3 week stay). Looking back I now can see that anxiety was beneath all this from the very beginning. Her world felt threatening, she reacted by acting out (fighting back), and then she experienced the backlash from those around her doing their VERY BEST to help her. Her perceptions from this anxious place were so invisible to me.

There are some great videos focused on teens with BPD. Just click the link at the right "Foundation Reading".

DD was our only child until our granddaughter came along. Gd10 has always lived with us and we took over primary care when she was about 9 months old. We are really her parents and DD fills the role of a sister. So now I have experience similar to having siblings. It is about protecting gd from the bad days around her mom. At the same time I am doing my best to improve my connections with DD. Lots of conflicts inside of me!

The best that I can do is to be there for gd. She and I have worked with a child therapist since she was age 4 when we first kicked her mom out on the street for violent behavior (she was 23 at the time). In the past couple years, as gd has developed better communication skills, I am able to see the direct benefits of this in gd's ability to cope with her anxiety and set boundaries with her mom. The parenting support was essential for me along with my own therapy and other supportive people.

Have you considered supportive therapy for your 12 year old? He needs a safe place to share is feelings and thoughts and to learn coping strategies in the family. How about for yourself? The more good support we have for ourselves, the better we can provide a safe, stable environment for our kids.

Hope the videos are helpful for you. They sure were for me.

qcr Carol

You are not alone!

We adopted two girls from Russia.  We've been dealing with similar issues with the younger one.  We are learning a great deal about trama and believe her BPD is mostly caused by the time she spent in an orphanage (only a year).  We've had some professionals label her as Bipolar, and another believes she is RAD, besides other labels (ODD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, attachment issues, borderline tendencies... .).  She does a lot of push pull, which I didn't even realize until the last 6 months or so after we placed her in an RTC (boarding school).  She just turned 18.  Her older sister is doing well (working through her own difficulties).

My BPD daughter can be so amazing.  She can also be extremly emotional exhausting and truly impossible to deal with.  Seems we are always on an emotional roller coaster with her.

I think it is important to understand the reasons our children react the way they do.  I've been reading up on BPD, trauma and validation.  I know I have a lot more to learn, but I feel I have a better understanding why she behaves the way she does and believe this can only help our relationship.