BPDFamily.com

Ok. She left. Sudden and in a hurry. Me and my children are left in a state of confusion.

Three years ago she moved from another country to live with me, with us. She wanted to be with me "more than anything", she wanted to be "family" with me and the kids, she wanted to live in the country I live in thinking it was "paradise" (I told her it wasn't - all countries have their flip sides and down sides).

Three years later she loves me but hates me, family life is nothing for her and never was (kids are "triggers" for numerous reasons according to her. Sure she loves them but they ANNOY her she says now) and she HATES the country we live in and cannot believe she moved from her wonderful country (she hated it back then) and her family (she could not leave them behind soon enough three years ago).

This is making a long story very short. Wonderful at first. Of course. As a very controlled person with a kind of intellectual persona I was a sitting duck to the love bombing of this whirlwind. Very passionate. Have never experienced anything like this before. She adored me. Idealized me. Put me on a pedestal. I told her that from the start but I told myself she would reach a more balanced view after living here with me and come to accept and love that balanced image of a person like most adults do. Then it slowly evolved into the classic I hate you - don't leave me thing with a lot of mixed messages. I could never do enough. I didn't care enough about her. At the same time clinging to me. Envious of my children whenever they got my attention and would sulk for hours ( I didn't succumb to that one though - parenting comes first but that doesn't mean the partner is unimportant). Then she started conflicts over anything. The sex was great until the sudden end though. Weird. And I couldn't say no to that for some reason. Never could say no to her when it came to that.

One morning she was clearly baiting to start a conflict. The accusations she threw over me were the most ridiculous I've ever heard from her and I knew she was only using them to create drama and conflict out of the blue once again. I didn't engage in it. I just told her that This has to stop! Next minute she started packing a few things in a sports bag and called for a cab. She was gone without telling us where she went and without even saying good bye to the children. I drove the kids to school and started working (someone had to bring home the bread and guess what - that was me). Later I got a fb-message from her sister who told me she was at the airport boarding a plane to go back to her old country. Her sister also asked why I threw her out without even giving her time to pack her stuff! I was stunned. I didn't throw her out.

She did leave all her stuff except for undies, toilet bag, meds, passport and wallet. But I also found out she had left with most of the family savings leaving me in a predicament since my business isn't going well at the moment (maybe that contributed to her decision to leave since I made a lot more money when she met me but I always told her small business owners see ups and downs all the time. Plus her constant acting out made me less productive... Not blaming her solely there - it was my responsibility to keep on working as hard as I did before, but man, I was exhausted after three years with roller coaster.) . Now I have to work 24/7 to keep us afloat.

Anyway. After a week she started sending me loving messages wanting to come back. I confronted her with the money thing. Then she cut me off on an instant by disconnecting her phone and leaving all social media and e-mail accounts. I then tried to reach her through her family only to learn she had told them I had been abusive to her physically and psychologically and that they wanted me to leave her alone. Yes, I have been angry at times - but abusive? That is a flat out lie and deep down I think they know it.

She is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she and her family uses this to excuse all her behavior. I don't think bipolar is the whole truth in this. I think that she has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.

What is my question to you? I don't know. Please help me sort out the piles. Do you think she might be BPD? How do I move on from here to rebuild my life for my sake and for my kids sake?

I don't want her back. I do miss her at times when I think about her positive sides and the good times we all did share. But it was so exhausting living with her that I kind of fell out of love before she left. Finding out that she took our savings and has no intention to give at least some of it back eventhough she knows the kids and I are really in a bad financial situation because of it killed the last of my love for her.

What was real in this? That question keeps pounding in my head day and night.

Bpd love is equivalent to playground love, as I am told atleast

Yes, I am thinking that too now.

How come I didn't see it? She is 50. I told her a relationship with me would be about family life. She wanted that, she said. She wanted the stability. And I provided.

I had known her a few years before she moved here since I too have family in the country she lives in so we were kind of long distance partners for quite some time. I saw that she was spontaneous (opposite attracts I guess) and sometimes a little impulsive but she was never ever mean or aggressive. Sweet. She was sweet. Why didn't I see the signs?

And how can she not see the consequenses of her actions? I mean the running off with the savings part. That she does it to me is one thing. But that she does it to the children she said she loved and cared for blows my mind. And why lie to her family about me? The things she lied about are serious things. To claim someone is abusive. I am deeply hurt by that. I loved her parents as my own. Now they are not talking to me. Her brothers and sisters and their spouses and kids were my friends. We saw eachother for holidays and we kept in contact regularly. They liked me. They said I was the best thing ever happened to her. Now they rejected me. And my kids. Very confusing.

hi Fogclearing and *welcome*

im so sorry to hear what you and your children are going through, though i am very glad that you have found us. a sudden and traumatic ending like this tends to leave a person with far more questions than answers, as many of us here can attest to.

none of us are professionals with the ability to diagnose. i can tell you that my ex is undiagnosed (the vast majority of our exes are) with BPD, but does have a bipolar diagnosis as well. BPD is often misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, often deliberately diagnosed as bipolar disorder (as opposed to BPD, for a variety of reasons) and it is also often comorbid with bipolar disorder. what we can do is look at the traits and behaviors that each of us experienced, and challenged our relationships.

what you describe does sound like a person who has a great deal of trouble with the needs of others, and tends to view herself as a victim first and foremost. this is in line with (not limited to) borderline personality disorder. it may well be that she felt entitled to take your family savings. my ex stole from me, and a previous ex of hers. it sounds like rather than face the shame of the act, it is easier to paint you as an abuser. it may be far from reality, but it is her reality, and it is a sad reality of mental illness.

when it comes to children, family members, friends, sometimes even pets, a person with BPD will feel threatened by the fear of abandonment when we focus our attention on someone else. my ex tried to come between my mother and me throughout most of the relationship, as well as demanding i not speak to female friends. it isnt rational, no, it is selfish, yes, but it is driven by the fear of abandonment, real or perceived. this is not your fault, and i commend you for focusing on your children.

it takes time to rebuild, these were volatile and loaded relationships that tend to leave us at our lowest. it helps to talk and relate with others who have walked in your shoes, and this is the perfect place to do that. other steps might include seeing a therapist and generally practicing self care, establishing routine; it can take a long time to get back to a place of normalcy let alone joy but the silver lining is that we can emerge from these relationships far stronger and healthier.

have you had an opportunity to read our article on Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder   (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)? theres a sort of part 2 in the middle of this page: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

welcome again Fogclearing, i encourage you to keep posting, it helps to talk  

Thank you, Once removed, for your kind response to my post.

Yes, there are so many thoughts and feelings. I do realize I am codependent and I think her family is too. I knew they were very relieved when she moved abroad to live with me. And at the same time they took her in, catered for her and believed her story when she came back from one day to another. They dropped everything to pick her up at the airport.

It is very difficult not to be able to have closure. Not to be able to talk it through with her as an adult to another adult.

Ok. The relationship didn't last. Well. That happens to a lot of people. Many times they can remain friends at least after a while. You don't take someone's savings and then run off, ask to come back the week after and then cut all ties when held accountable to your actions. And you don't slander a person that have been good to you. So many unanswered questions. So much frustration.

And how do I explain this to the children (7, 9 and 11 yo)?

Why do they leave us when we are at our lowest?

Another thing: she wanted me to make money. At the same time she was furious when I worked. And I did work a lot but since I am a small business owner I could do a lot of the work at home only traveling to see clients once in a while. Stayed overnight once or twice a month tops when I had clients up north. Never more than one night at a time. And friends helped with the kids so that she didn't have to deal with it. But she was furious when I worked. Didn't matter if it was a business trip or home office. She sabotaged it sometimes by starting fights while I was working at home. The same woman who complained when I didn't make as much money anymore and was struggling with bills. Very contraproductive.

I wanted to keep the peace. But I didn't how to. Very stressful.

Friendships were an issue here too. Sometimes she would embrace my friends as her own. But suddenly they went from all good to all bad and she didn't want anything to do with them anymore. Or she would stay in the bedroom the whole time while they were visiting claiming migraine or back pain always giving me hell afterwards because they "stayed too long".

I kept bringing friends over. Not often. But once in a while. I wanted to maintain my social network eventhogh I did cut back on social life and more or less withdrew from my friends the last 6 months. I tried to maintain the social life though also for the sake of the kids because I wanted them to grow up in a healthy environment in which I include that the family isn't a system that shuts the rest of the world out plus many of my friends has kids the same age that my kids enjoys socializing with. So I did have friends over and knew I was going to pay for it later every single time from the angry woman hiding in the bedroom.

Because pwBPD have the emotional development of a toddler and a toddler can't keep the household and the business and the relationship running. They chose you to do all that. To be the strong one. To protect them. To make all their fears go away. To save them. If you can't do that anymore, what's left?


Nothing you could or would have done would have kept the peace. She has no internal peace. She reacts to whatever she feels on the inside. Those feelings are very intense, unbearably intense and must be acted upon to feel any release. What she feels can be triggered by something or someone outside of her but can be something she just wakes up with too. And what triggers her might be something that for you is very insignificant. Like waking up with you and feeling too warm could be enough to make her feel she hates you.

Yes, it defies logic. No, you don't understand. And right now it all hurts like hell.

Maybe the best way to tell your children is to say what you said here: sometimes it doesn't work out between people.

Check the list of BPD traits to see if you recognize her behaviour but judging but what you're writing so far I would say: welcome to the BPD family.

I checked several lists of BPD traits and she has everything but the self mutilation. No cutting. No suicidal behavior. But except from that I could just read and check "all of the above".

The children are really smart. They know that this was not just "not working out". They know something was very odd with her. They do love her and accept her but they didn't like when she was rude or angry. Often she was also very fun to be with for them, maybe because she was a bit child like herself. I do feel they will be ok. They always knew they can trust me to be there for them and that I am functioning. I had them with another partner that died in an accident so they have been through a lot. I guess my grief made me less aware of what to look out for when I met her after my former partner died. She just came in like a whirlwind and at first actually brought the family to life. But I feel bad for my children that I wasn't wise enough to see this coming. It will take me a very long time before I can trust another partner to become part of our lives again. If it ever happens. Not even looking. I just want to rebuild my business again and live my life together with my children.

I'm in favor of explaining things to kids in ways that make sure they 1) Know it wasn't their fault and 2) Encourage them to heal without bitterness. Give them space to share their feelings. It probably wasn't easy for them, either, and they may need your support and validation. Also like you know each child may have different opinions and feelings, and all are equally valid.

If you feel comfortable doing it, you could also be really straight with them. "I had different expectations for the relationship than what happened. I feel bad about it. You guys have been through enough already. Some of her behaviors were not okay." And then give them space to share.

As far as the checklists, my ex didn't have cutting or suicidal behaviors, either. He presents with more NPD symptoms than BPD. As people here say, these are spectrum disorders, not cookie cutters. I think you will find that most are self-destructive in some way. My ex, for instance, is making an absolute mess out of his once successful life. I also brought him into my family and exposed my kids to him, and I really regret that. Many of here met our partners in vulnerable times in our lives.   

But don't forget to heal you as well.

Taking care of your kids, yes, priority number 1. Rebuilding your business, yes, food doesn't come flying in the window.

But if you do those 2 and forget about you... .You're in pain. This has been a traumatic experience. Again. You need to process that. If you don't you might come crashing down later on with a depression or whatever else. And who will take care of the kids and the business then?

And at some point in time you might want to think about a new partner. And then it is really important you are healed. To make sure you find the right one. That you don't miss  red-flag . That you know what you will accept and what not before it gets this far.

Take and make some time for you too. To read and write here. Or to work out. Or go for walks. Or go to a cookery class or do yoga or whatever. Something just for you. The better you feel the better you will function as a dad and as a business owner.

I do know I need to heal. But if I don't rebuild my business now we will lose our house. i am very anxious because of that and I must try to set my feelings aside and just work work work. At the same time I am so exhausted I barely function. I have no functioning family network that can help out either. I don't know what to do really.

One hour per week for you to be you for starters. You need it.

Work. Is it possible to work out ways to work smarter instead of harder? Use other people's strengths, networks, or divide your tasks or time in a different way? Is there someone you trust you can talk to who might have some good ideas to help you?

Home life. You can't hire a help, costs money. Can the kids help out with little tasks? If they don't already. Set the table, clear out the dishwasher.

Just some random thoughts.

But to undo the knots in your head, write them down. What are the issues? Getting the house clean? Helping the kids with their homework? Finding more clients for your business? Break it down so it isn't such a big block and then start looking for solutions. Maybe you can't find them for all at once. But if you could get rid of a few issues it would make you feel better and lighter.

Thank you all for your kind responses!

My children do help. They help a lot around the house. I sometimes think they are too responsible and I encourage them to be just kids too.

One hour a week for me. That is a good idea. I haven't been thinking about myself for so many years that I don't know what to do with that hour though. Weird, isn't it?

You sound like you're very used to taking care of others instead of yourself so no, it's not surprising  *)

It depends on when you can make the time for yourself as well of course. If it's late at night maybe some online relaxation or breathing exercises. It it's earlier maybe the gym, going for a walk. Something that is a combination of what gives you energy and relaxes you at the same time is perfect at a time that you feel so empty and drained.

Yes, thank you. I might start with taking walks in a slow pace. It's free of cost and we live in a beautiful and safe setting where I can walk by myself whenever I want to. I am so physically run down after years of stress. I put on a lot of weight. I want to feel comfortable in my own body again. Stress makes you gain weight eventhough you have no appetite. She was a binge eater and I went the other way. I couldn't eat the last months. Still I gained.

I think I am depressed. I used to enjoy reading and watching movies but I can't focus. I have actually been doing some crafts and embroidery lately since she left.

The first week I slept a lot. Getting a full nights sleep for the first time in months. Waking up not to conflict but to tranquillity giving me time to have breakfast and help the children get ready for school in a non stressful way.

Three weeks later anxiety hit me. And that is where I'm at right now. Hampering anxiety when I should be my most effective self.

Hi Fogclearing

Sorry you've been put through the emotional wringer - your kids were just collateral damage to her. 

Having said that, children are pretty resilient and as long as they get your time and attention will be fine.

She does sound like BPD - pretty stark examples of black and white thinking. My ex was a similar age and didn't cut either - however at 50 there's a good many years we weren't party to - and God only knows what they got up to then. 

You really have dodged a bullet - I don't think the menopause would have changed her for the better!


Fanny

Should be if you look at it from a purely rational 'must save the business and the house' perspective. But nobody expects you to be your most effective self now. Apart from you.

No one in mourning is ever their most effective self. Whether they are mourning the death of a loved one, a relationship, a job, their health, etc doesn't matter. And mourning comes with depression, anxiety, longing, anger, the works. Respect yourself. Respect that you need time. Granted, the time you have for you is limited due to business and kids. This can also be a blessing though as it prevents you from lying around all day; you HAVE to get up and get going. It's about finding more of a balance now. Not THE balance as you're still in the thick of it and still going from one end of the scale to the other. But more of a balance. Where there is time for the kids, the business, and you and your process of mourning and healing.

If you expect yourself to be your most super duper effective self at this point in time you're setting yourself up for disappointing yourself. Be kind to yourself. Have you ever been kind to yourself?

If I have ever been kind to myself? No. Not really. Narcissistic father. I became the high achieving oldest kid. And the scape goat when daddy felt the competition. But I kept on going. Doing all the right things. Academic career, management career, then opened my own business as a consultant, house, good looks. Kids. Then my partner of 15 years collides with a semi truck on the highway and was gone. I kept on achieving. Met ms Wonderful when I visited family abroad. She was the only one who could just reach through my wall. I melted like butter in the sun. Felt too good to be true honestly and it was.

I realize I am the classic type to become a codependent in a BPD relationship. My former life plan doesn't work for me anymore and that is not only in regard to the field of relationships.

Good insights.

You can't solve everything in one go. Especially as you already feel you have too much on your plate. You know you have things that need to be addressed that cannot be put off indefinitely. But start with a little space to breath first. The walks. They are good for your mental and physical health. They will help you sleep better too. You can enjoy being outside.

Apart from your walks for you you can also go for walks with each of your children. Healing walks. Sometimes it is easier to talk when you're doing something. And that way they get to spend one on one time with you doing something healthy.

Once you have untied more knots in your head or in your life you might find more time and/or money to work on those codependency issues and your FOO issues with a T. If you can find the time but not the money yet you can always start with (online) books first.

I would try to write things down, to find where the issues are for you right now to manage everything. Where you need more time or help or resources. So you can narrow it down and it becomes less overwhelming. When it all seems so overwhelming anxiety sets in so very quickly...

I also have to work through other things. This relationship made me become someone I didn't like at the end.

I am a very balanced person. I never used to lash out. I had no anger issues. I used to settle things by talking in a reasonable and respecting way.

But she brought out the anger in me. I could almost feel rage inside that frightened me. I sometimes would just yell to her Shut up! I am not talking to you! Go to your room and stay there!

Very disrespectful. I never yelled to my children like that when raising them. Never ever. But to a 50 yo woman? She would walk after me in the house constantly yapping about things she was discontent with accusing me of this and that. And I felt the rage build up inside me. And suddenly I snapped and yelled. And she was like See! You are an ***hole. And then she had a "reason" to hate me. And I felt shame for losing control.

I wasn't perfect in this relationship. Not at all. I could not control my anger at the end. I feel so ashamed. I am a christian. I went to confession over this. Still it hurts to see that I became a person I didn't want to be.

Maybe you can think about what you need from you to be able to forgive yourself for behaving in a way you didn't want to.

I guess a part of forgiving myself for yelling at her and sometimes treating her like she was an obedient kid has to do with not only intellectually realizing that I was given the role of the person in this relationship that was going to be the strong, mature, reasoning, forever stable and responsible one for both of the adults in the relationship. No one can do that in the long run. And no one should be expected too.

I know this on an intellectual level but alas that is not enough.

I realized fairly quickly I would always have to be the grownup. And I felt the resentment growing in me over this. The realization I didn't want this. The uneasy feeling I was going to be his mother. I stopped enabling him after just a few weeks, tried to go from the childish infatuation level to a deeper more intimate grownup level. He fought me with all he had. I tried to hold on, to talk, to reason, noticed I got sucked in the negativity, I too started to devalue, let him push way beyond my boundaries. So I walked away. Then the hell really began.

I think you feel ashamed and guilty you became a 'monster'. Behaved like her in some respects. Perhaps like your father even. Have you read the articles on this site? I think there are some on guilt and shame that might be useful for you.

Resentment. Yes. To be honest that is what I started to feel. And it was very difficult for me to be honest to myself about that. I think a big part of it was the double standards. She could snap at me, have virtual outbursts, sulk, call me names, obstruct, you name it. But GOD FORBID if I would say (or not say or do or not do) ANYTHING that would hurt her extremely easily hurt feelings. Then hell broke loose. If I was hurt I was not allowed to mention it. No matter how hurtful she had been.

I too felt like a mother. Or a big sister (she was ten years my senior). Sometimes I would feel like a partner and I lived for those brief moments.

I have a whole list of quotes that would evoke my resentment because I heard these lines over and over again like from a broken record:

* I didn't sign up for this sh*t.

* Expectations. I had expectations. Fool that I am.

* Why me? WHYYYY me?

* I'm a prisoner here. I want out.

* Triggers. Everywhere TRIGGERS. And YOU are NOT helping.

* You have NO EMPATHY. You are just like your father.

* Too much work! I can't do this (applies to all forms of domestic work)

* You ask for too much from a crippled woman.

* Who knew. WHO KNEW that THIS is how my life would turn out?

And so on. And on and on and on.

I am feeling guilty for becoming the person I became. At the same time I am angry. But I have nowhere to aim my anger. There will be no cathartic talk. There will be no closure. How do I deal with that?

You can be angry with someone without them actually being physically there. Same as you can be angry with someone that has died.

You can yell at her even if she's not there. You can punch into a pillow or a punching bag and pretend it's her.

So there is someone to direct your anger at. Her.

Maybe there is something to help you in this www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/healthiest-ways-express-anger

I'm not only angry with her. I am also so angry with myself for letting myself be sucked into this. And I am angry for myself for the sake of my children. That they had to experience this.

You're human. Humans make mistakes. You're not perfect. That's ok.

Of course you want to protect your children and be the best parent possible. But your role as a parent is to prepare them for real life and pwBPD are part of real life. You can't protect them from every fall but you can teach them how to get up again.

Maybe this experience can teach them things too. Perhaps how to be a really balanced adult later on. Or how to avoid a pwBPD.

Read what HurtinNW said about talking to your kids. Explain people are not perfect and that in looking for a partner you can make mistakes. And that you can learn from that. That it's important to learn what is important to you and to remain true to yourself, to express what you feel, to communicate, to be honest, to have boundaries in what you will and what you will not accept from a partner, and to be happy with yourself. Translate what you are learning into language appropriate to their ages and make sure they have room to express themselves and ask questions. And if you don't know the answer be honest and say you don't know (yet).

Moments of missing her - I guess it's part of it too.

I do miss her at times. And so do the children.

The weird thing was that we had a few days that were good right before her very sudden departure.

She was reading books with the kids. We painted together (she is very creative and artistic) and she taught the children how to make woodblock prints. We went for a walk one day and she took pictures of the 7 yo that brought a big branch all the way back to the house just because it was beautiful.

The last night we fell asleep holding eachother and I was thinking maybe things are getting better. We had an appointment with her psychiatrist coming up in just a few days and we were all scheduled to go to family counseling - kids included.

I fell asleep so close to her. She was calm and beautiful.

The next morning  when we woke up her face was changed and she started this baiting for a conflict. This is when I said This has to stop.

And off she went in a cab to the airport. Without warning. Without saying good bye. The kids didn't even realize she went away. They were getting ready for school and assumed she was still in the bedroom when we left. I told them she took off but they just thought she would be back when they came home from school.

She wasn't. She went to the airport and took the first flight back to her country.

It was a shock to all of us. Why now? When things actually had been good for a few days. I guess we'll never know. If she even knows herself. Is there any rational explanation?

i dont know if id call it entirely rational, but there may be an explanation through the lens of BPD, yes.

i think a lot of these relationships (seemingly) suddenly end during a perceived 'upswing' in the relationship - mine did. i believe the last time i saw my ex she told me shed fallen in love with me all over again. things seemed very good and id totally recommitted to the relationship.

unknown to us, our partners were experiencing the relationship very differently than we were. there was a lot under the surface of what seemed loving and peaceful.

ive joked a few times that pwBPD hate peace and quiet. it isnt true of course. what is true is that when things are good, a person with BPD is living in fear of the other shoe dropping. this causes acting out behaviors (baiting you for a conflict).

"this has to stop" was likely interpreted as abandonment. thats not your fault.

Or perhaps she knew she wouldn't feel as happy as she felt that evening forever. Afraid to ruin it with her mood swings. Knowing she would because she always has.

Or she was afraid for engulfment, to disappear into you.

Or as so someone with BPD described it on a BPDboard "I woke up next to him and I just felt too warm and all of a sudden I hated him". Their feelings can all of a sudden completely flip.

PwBPD are all different just like us NONs. You'll never know what exactly happened in her mind that made her wake up in a different mood. She most likely doesn't know herself.

There never is a rational answer for an irrational mental process that cannot be explained, I think.

The only thing I meant by "This has to stop" was for us to stop arguing right there and then. But you are right. She probably saw it as abandonment.

I often asked her can't you just let good things be good, can't you just be content with with what we've got? And see a half full glass instead of a half empty one. She never answered. So I guess you are right about them leaving during a "good" period. It was like she couldn't stand it.

She was probably afraid of abandonment. But she also knew me. She knows I'm not a person that change my heart and mind easily. I am stable. I am a person you can trust. I'm not perfect but I don't ask for perfection either. There is no such thing as a 100% perfect partner or relationship. Yes, I clutter (HUGHE issue) but I have other advantages.

I wouldn't have abandoned her. The relationship I had before her lasted 15 years and ended by a tragic accident. I was with her several years 100% faithful also when it was long distance before she moved here. I am a catholic and she knows I viewed this the same way I would have viewed a marriage within the Church even though we could not get married in a catholic church because of our family constellation. She must have known she had nothing to fear. And at the same time it kind of made her despise me. I don't know why. I wasn't a total door mat. I have children and I had pretty clear boundaries when it came to certain things. I did not let her come between me and my kids and I kept on parenting the way I always did even if she was provoked by me "spending too much time with them" or "spoiling them" or "giving them too much attention". I simply said My kids, my way of raising and parenting them and if she wanted to sulk over that I let her. Maybe she saw that as abandonment too? She often said I didn't care enough about her and that I had no empathy when that happened.

This is what I am struggling to understand. That they are different. That she probably never saw this relationship the way I did. Not even in her most idealizing phase. Or particularly not in her most idealizing phase. It is very difficult to really understand and accept. Was it real? Did she love me? I did love her. I wish she would have understood that I did. I really really loved her and I would have stayed with her for life if we could have worked things out.

The idealization phase works it's magic on both partners.

I'll ask this question:  Which did you love more:

Her.

Or the Idea of Her, of what you thought she could be, should be, and what you both would make from you both being your best to one another?

It's natural for anyone healthy to aspire, and to want the same for the person they love. I have never wanted my partners to fail, I want them to be fulfilled, happy, and live a great life. I will support them, be a shoulder to lean on when they need help, I'll help them up if they fall. I'll listen, encourage, not sugar coat when it shouldnt be sugar coated.

But they need to do the same.

I made a list, two columns... .all the things I actually loved and liked-- real actual qualities of my exGFuBPD on on side. And on the other... .all the things I had in many ways fictionalized in my mind. Things I knew "physically" she could do, but wouldn't. Simply because. An example of one of these things: Comfort me when I'm down. She could have. But she didnt. Why? I have no idea.

So comforting... .that was not on the other side- the real side.

Just a thought.

Good one!

I loved her for the real, actual qualities that she did have. And I loved her for the vision I had of what we could have become together as a family.

And I desired her physically (still do aaaarrrgh) but I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before.

I'd better make that list, haha.

as an anonymous stranger i have no doubt you would not have abandoned her or what your intentions were. people with BPD swing wildly between the fears of abandonment and engulfment. these are severely heightened fears triggered by intimacy. a diagnostic criteria of BPD is frantic attempts to avoid abandonment - real or perceived. your actions are analyzed through that lens. im not exaggerating when i say that simply leaving a room may trigger the sense of abandonment. and it is "proof" of impending abandonment. for a person with BPD, feelings = fact. they must align whether rational or not. as a side note, if you had had a hypothetical conversation in which you insisted you would never abandon her, it might even be perceived as invalidating.

BPD is a serious mental illness. it has its roots in the earliest stages of development, to the point where we develop object constancy - where we see others as relatively consistent, flawed but loveable, and with a past and present context of our relationship with them. for a person with BPD, object constancy was not developed. in other words, you say she knew you, but her view of you was not stable, secure, or consistent. shades of grey dont compute. the idea that people can be flawed but loveable does not compute, past and present history are not taken into account. it is a black and white world. there is no frame of reference beyond fickle, fleeting, momentary, but overwhelming feelings.

there is nothing you could have done to change those things or prove to her that you would not abandon her. in that sense, it is not about you or your good and trustworthy character. it is the very sad reality of a serious mental illness. and the effects are devastating for everyone involved  .


attention to your children was likely seen as abandonment, but on the contrary, you set a good firm boundary and held to it. while people with BPD are notorious for "busting" boundaries, they are absolutely essential in the long term for both parties. i think its something for which you are to be commended.

Once removed:

Your last post was very clarifying. I really needed to hear that.

And I have to realize that this is a SERIOUS mental illness. Not just some quirks that can be fixed with a little couples counseling or ten sessions of CBT. I was on deep water here and i could not help her. I could not help her. And if I would take her back I still cannot help her and everything would just repeat itself.

Thank you. <3

Wounded Bibi:

thank you.

It is comforting to know she probably did love me even though they view it differently than nons.

This quote from you: "When a pwBPD falls in love they feel such a high... .it must mean you are THE ONE."

WOW! That's what she always told me at first: "You are THE ONE".

And that really is how they view you. They really think you are THE ONE.

And this relationship will last, and be different, and all of it. It isn't just a game. They mean it. The problem is it doesn't stick and it doesn't deepen.

Yes. And my aim is for it to deepen. Like my former relationship did before she died. I don't know if you saw my previous post about sex, but the quietly flowing creek that my former relationship turned into was what I deep down wanted and expected this to develop into. But of course I was kind of blinded by Niagara Falls.:

"I think I mixed up good sex with love. Because the sex WAS good. To the bitter end. Which surprised me. With the partner I lived with before her it kind of faded away. It was never totally gone, but you know: you have kids, you work a lot, you have to paint the house and you have headaches sometimes or the kids are sick. And I accepted that and so did my partner in that relationship. Companionship, deepened love, loyalty, memories of the passion we once felt and was still there but more like a quietly flowing creek instead of the Niagara Falls was more than enough. Then I met this one after my partner passed away and in this relationship it was ummmm Niagara Falls the whole time. Year after year. So of course I confused that with love. And it made me forgive a lot of sh*t. It did. I admit. I was a sucker to that because I had never experienced such a thing in my whole life before."

If there's ever going to be another one, she must like and prefer the quietly flowing creek in the long run. And I have to not let Niagara Falls ever blind me again should it ever cross my path.

I think they subconsciously use the mist of Niagara Falls to obscure the fact there will be no deepening. Because most are of the Niagara Falls type.

And I voluntarily crawled into that barrel and went down the Niagara Falls. There's a reason they banned going down the actual falls in a barrel. You hurt yourself when your barrel crashes on the cliffs at the bottom. Lesson learned I guess.

lol

adult love is a flowing creek

Yes. Thank God for flowing creeks.

I will when I find mine  *)

Yep I was told the same thing, countless times.

I know I just recently tagged this elsewhere... .but if you want to see literally a 3 minute visual depiction of a couple, falling in love... .with the idealization phase so clear as day... .and how it fades... .over time... .Take a look at the film I made of my story.  These are photos of us. Look at HER eyes... .The photos - are chronologically in correct order.

I kept it that way. Look at her eyes. Was she high in the begining... .did it fade... .Did I fade and become sad, and the last photo, what happens?

It scares me to watch myself.

The link is here in the first post in this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289002.0

Its about 3 minutes in length. Its in her eyes. Clear as day. I just didnt see it- at all.

GoingBack20C: Thank you for posting the video.

Yes, it is in their eyes. People do fall in love but they fall CRAZY in love and you can see it in their eyes. Flattering but also a bit creepy. Then the opposite. I could see it in her eyes too. Especially that last morning. It scared me to wake up and look into her eyes and they were changed. All black. Like hatred. I couldn't reach her. She had cut me off. I feel for you, man. You look like such a nice guy.

Speaking about sexuality - I feel a little fooled.

I guess you guys are right when you say they use the sexual Niagara Falls thing (even if it is subconsciously) to cover up the fact that there will be no deepening.

I don't open up sexually to people very easily. I never had many partners. I guess you could call me inexperienced (even though this was absolutely not my first relationship in life - all in all I've had three since the age of 18: all long term, all faithful (at least from my part) and nothing in between these relationships) and naive. I thought what we shared was special. Intimate. But maybe she didn't see it that way. At least it might not have had the same profound meaning to her that I thought it had. It did for me.

Most probably it didn't.

Most pwBPD use sex as they have learned it distracts their partners from deeper issues.

Most pwBPD have had a lot of sexual partners as besides relationships they use casual sex to fill their emotional void.

But actually most pwBPD don't enjoy sex. They are good at it because they don't feel a lot so they can focus on what you seem to be feeling. Most of them describe it as a chore, a hassle, going through the motions or masturbating with a person.

So sad. But also necessary for me to understand to be able to move on.

I genuinely believe my ex viewed sex as a chore-- (commenting on WoundedBibi's post); but with an allowance. Like a child.

I was, needless to say very attracted physically to my ex (and all my exes). But this past one was the first ex I had that actually wanted sex "less" than me. Most girls I've been with (not that many), they wanted sex more than I did. I worked a lot, was tired. I enjoy sex, but they just seemed to want it more frequently than me.

My exGFuBPD, looking back I think sex was in many ways a "I scratch your back you do what I want" type of situation. A means of currency.

When she stayed with me for a while, after some time, and not paying rent, I brought up the subject- which became a major point of contention moving forward. I own my home, her argument being why would I pay for something that you own. Of course she couldnt comprehend there are utilities, weekly maidcleaning, maintenance, wear and tear, fixing things, so on. And the rent number I proposed was incredibly fair (she ended up in anger finding a place costing 3x what I offered) - and she is now broke, lost her job, and in a bad place.

Anyways... .she literally said to me, women shouldnt have to pay rent. We pay in other ways.

I looked at her, and said, that sounds like a prostitute. You live here, we share at least some of the costs of living. Period. (I made a lot, like 4-5x more than her, so I understand she couldnt split 50/50).

She didnt know what to say. So she moved out, into a really nice place, which ate up 40% of her salary per month, and is now broke. Sigh.

I had ethical concerns around this but I finally decided to contact one of her exes. The ex was not surprised to hear from me and did not mind.

We compared notes. Oooh boy! Same story. To the letter almost. (theirs was more than ten years ago)

It's sad but at the same time very clarifying.

We were both called "The ONE", "the love of my life". She went from the sweetest person to abusive and very "twilight zone" with both of us after moving in together. I was not unique. This was not about me. I am not to blame. And there was absolutely nothing I could have done to make this better.

I understand the ethical concerns. A bold move.

It has definitely brought you a lot of insight into the situation. And some very painful realizations...

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