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Title: Tried the "family counsellor" Post by: gary seven on April 20, 2016, 05:02:25 PM We have been separated for 2 months. I think the kids are used to me sleeping in the basement.
She wanted to try a "family counsellor, " to look at the I'm the Father and She's the Mother. We went today and I feel like an axe has chopped my head to bits., as I was forced to relive all the horrors and experiences from 2007 to 2012. The really "old " stuff I had not thought about. Makes me even more determined to move forward, albeit slowly. Latest coincidental chaos was that I was the victim of identity fraud and my bank accounts were drained. To zero. Had to scrape out of the kids savings bank to pay for my dead car battery. She told the T she has bipolar, but the leading Therapist in town gave me SWOE. I think the T understands the blend. I dont know and this makes me feel more determined, but like the turtle, to split. I recognize the personality disorder, but this relapsed pain thing is awful. I guess it just makes my case stronger. Title: Re: Tried the "family counsellor" Post by: ForeverDad on April 20, 2016, 05:54:59 PM Ouch, that hurts. Did she perpetrate the identity fraud and drain the accounts or was it some stranger?
If her, I'm wondering why, after over two years here, you hadn't put at least some money over into personal accounts as reserves she couldn't access? If bank accounts, they may require you to report fraud or losses within two days, so inform them NOW to limit your losses if you haven't already. Credit accounts are by law required to allow more time for reporting. Many people with BPD are told they have Bipolar. It doesn't had as bad a reputation and insurance is more likely to pay for Bipolar longer. Problem is, Bipolar can be treated with meds, BPD is only somewhat moderated with meds, the real fix is effective therapy diligently applied. Title: Re: Tried the "family counsellor" Post by: gary seven on April 22, 2016, 12:08:50 AM Ouch, that hurts. Did she perpetrate the identity fraud and drain the accounts or was it some stranger? Many people with BPD are told they have Bipolar. It doesn't had as bad a reputation and insurance is more likely to pay for Bipolar longer. Problem is, Bipolar can be treated with meds, BPD is only somewhat moderated with meds, the real fix is effective therapy diligently applied. Each person I tell the bank fraud story to that is their first question--how did she pull that off--it is beginning to make me feel the eggshells have morphed into landmines--the intensity of the wrong step or wrong response now illuminated the sky as I am blown to smithereens. Thankfully the money has been replaced. I can breathe --but it never lasts. Is there some desert isle I can go to and let out a primal scream and hear nothing but my own echo? "Effective Therapy Diligently Applied." I think this new family counsellor is so overwhelmed that she wants us back for another joint session to finish the traumas I sustained from 2012 to2015---when she "miraculously " got the right meds. I don't see eye to eye on her parenting methods that involve temptation (we'll play a game of you clean up your room) , intimidation (do this or else you'll never go to summer camp), placation/sublimation (wow you and Mommy are both on the same meds for because we are both bipolar) Our money is now in two joint accounts. I am not happy about that. And S9 got suspended from school again. I guess it's time for another meeting with the principal. Title: Re: Tried the "family counsellor" Post by: ForeverDad on April 22, 2016, 09:03:32 AM Each person I tell the bank fraud story to that is their first question--how did she pull that off--it is beginning to make me feel the eggshells have morphed into landmines--the intensity of the wrong step or wrong response now illuminated the sky as I am blown to smithereens. Thankfully the money has been replaced. I can breathe --but it never lasts. Our money is now in two joint accounts. I am not happy about that. Was it in joint accounts before? If not then ponder over your options. Current funds... .if not huge amounts then likely they'll be spent relatively soon on rent or mortgage, insurance, utilities, food and other typical expenses. Are you both earning incomes? Then you can contribute your respective portions to the joint accounts for monthly expenses. Where does your paycheck get deposited? If not into your personal account, then time to do that. Yes, she'll squawk like the sky is falling but things are changed now, the missing money caused real problems and you can't let that happen again. My story... .My marriage was going downhill fast in the last 6 months and this happened midway... . This is yet another reminder that anything not fully in our control is going to vanish or be sabotaged. Leaving a large sum of money in a joint account when separating is just inviting the other spouse to raid the cookie jar. Joint bank accounts and joint credit cards are especially risky. In my case, I did have my paycheck going into our joint account. But when we went together, I bought a car and she thereafter refused to sign her rights notification in the standard J&S waiver from my 401(k) account, they would not issue me the loan I had planned on. I had to rush to a bank and get a personal loan at a much higher rate. While there I had the brilliant idea to open a personal checking account and changed my auto deposit to there. Oh boy, did she howl and rage for me to undo it, but I told her I had to because she refused at the last hour to sign the standard acknowledgment form and hence blocked my 401(k) loan. Mind you, she had accompanied me to look at the car and help me with driving to get both cars home. Two months later the police got involved and that was the end. I didn't have much money, but my paycheck was safe and it was easy to call the credit card companies and cancel our cards to the other's credit accounts. When our marriage of 15 years was nearing its end with her flaming out, she went with me when I replaced a car but a few days later she flatly refused to sign a simple 401(k) loan J&S acknowledgement as required by law. Lacking that signature, I couldn't get that loan so I had to rush to a bank to apply for a loan. While there I opened a checking account and moved my paycheck there. Yikes, what a scene it was when she found out. To her it didn't matter that she had nearly sabotaged my car purchase, she demanded I put my paycheck auto deposit back in the joint account. Meanwhile she moved into our preschooler's room and locked herself inside at night, and did other things to made it quite evident it was too dangerous for us to stay together. Did my changing the deposit cause The End? No, if it wasn't that, then it would have been something else. And that's the point. If I hadn't set that boundary then, however small it was, I would have continued my appeasing ways and perhaps not saved myself when it all did come crashing down one weekend a few months later. And S9 got suspended from school again. I guess it's time for another meeting with the principal. By now the school's counselor is involved? If not, get that started and don't let his mother control that. (If there are no orders to the contrary, both parents have equal but undefined parental authority. She cannot trump your status as Father unless you let her do it.) I would believe his misbehaviors are strongly influenced by the continuing family dysfunction. Title: Re: Tried the "family counsellor" Post by: gary seven on April 24, 2016, 09:19:13 PM There is a fair amount of his behavior which I think can be attributed to the family dysfunction, sibling rivalry and the recognition of the nonsensical behavior patterns of his mother. I try to be calmer, more consistent, and ask more open ended questions.
The school counsellor has known about him, and has been very involved, with just him and school. I am hoping the dbt will move him past the outbursts. I'm thinking we ought to make memorial day a fun thing--I'm leaning towards a staycation where we paint their bedrooms. Each had chosen a color scheme 2 years ago, "waiting to be done." I still have their choices. And it would go a long way to freshen a dingy gray tone that permeates the house. |