BPDFamily.com

what do you think?

am i just playing a fool when i try to keep things normal?

am i sending mixed signals . . . and/or how do you treat a situation like this

when a BPD leaves . . very dramaticly. . .what do you do?

do you go after him/her. . . or do you just respect the situation and say " okey "

if that is what you want then that is what we shall do...

so far i think i´ve been in the chase game. . .

. . i mean i know i could have handled things better but still

... .do i take the responsibility because of that?

this is a puzzle . . . please help... .

i need advise...

thanks 

Hi bushido,

NC in order to make a point isn't recommended. When people go no contact in a healthy way, it's typically something they do in the same way we talk about boundaries here. To protect yourself so that you can heal and move on.

What I do hear you suggesting is a less needy, less clingy way of interacting with her. Is that correct?

If so, then that is more likely to bring about positive outcomes (although of course there are no magic tricks).

yes. . i think that´s what i´m talking about... .

This feels like a dramatic push/pull game ... .just taking it a bit further than before after that impulsive

"leave you before you leave me" episode a few week back.

so yeah . . . all i want is something positive. . . 

i guess my point is brake the cycle...

... i just don´t want to take part in this game . . that is . . .make it worse.

i really don´t need to protect myself... .cos i know how this relationship works. (been doing this along time)

and i really dont care if she convinces herself that shes not a borderline . . and has "only traits of it"

when in a relationship that always keeps you on toes and on guard... .and i do mean ALWAYS!

then something is not right...

But i just need to brake the cycle . . . i´ve been taking part and keeping the cycle going for to long...

(that´s me taking my responsibility in this game)

... .and now i need to find a beter way. . . and not take part in "this game"...

I haven't had any contact with mine in 11 days now and im getting weak.   I don't know if I wait her out or contact her and apologize for

"my part" in our break up.   if she doesn't want to hear from me it will push her further away.  if she does want to hear from me she'll use the power advantage to play her game.    if I wait and do hear from her in any way im in good shape, but that may never happen.  I don't know what to do.  typical situation we found ourselves in with a borderline.  always strategizing.  its exhausting dating them and apparently exhausting being without them also. lol.    mine thinks that she owns anyone she has ever dated.  so to reach out first just reinforces her belief.   but she is also extremely proud and wont test her own belief by reaching out if she thinks there is a chance you wont reciprocate.  its an extremely delicate balance.   ive seen her chase an ex who she lost control of for weeks and then she starts calling me as soon as she has him under control.  its amazing.    sometimes I play out in my head what getting back together would look like and reality creeps in and it always looks like more stress and fights and her silent treatments, etc.   not sure why we put ourselves through this.  it never ends well it seems.  its just a merry go round.  I have the added battle of having an exBPDgf that wants to be fully taken care of financially.  and since shes so attractive she doesn't have a problem finding someone to do that.   she is 35.  I just wonder where she will be in 10 years.  there is no way she can make a long term marriage or relationship work.  she cant get through 3 months without freaking out.   will she still be doing the same thing then?  she is also NPD and they usually get worse. 

I think you just play it cool and see if she contacts you, but I don't know your situation like you do and what has worked with her in the past.  they are smart and do recognize patterns.  personally I think that you get it in your head that if you are going to be in a relationship like this that you have to say what you want from it and stick to it.   that doesn't mean you tell her that neccesarily, but you live it with your actions.

mine cheated and I kicked her out of my home.   so the message I hope she got was.   If im going to be in a relationship with him he expects me to be faithful and not lie every 5 minutes.      if that kills the relationship then maybe that's best.  because even if I miss her like crazy, I cant live like that.     I know its not just me.  all of her relationships end badly and sometimes violently.  maybe I can be the one that treated her right, but eventually got my respect back and put up boundaries and be the one that got away.  who knows.    usually whatever I think she is thinking, the reality is just the opposite.       

well . . . she has found her self a replacement...

so i´m done with this relationship!

for good!

you will hear from her again.  as soon as she finds out the new person isn't perfect and her infatuation wears off. 

not sure about that. .

after 18 years. . .

and 4 kids . . .

and since i was her only one  . . .before the replacement

i think the shame will keep her away...

but non the less . . . i´m done ... .

and moving on!

to much have i tried to help her . . . and this is how she pays me back!

NO! i have my self respect intact  even after playing this f... .game of hers for to long

and tried everything i could to help her...

so . . NO! i´m done

Oof. That has to hurt to the core. I remember learning this when I arrived here:

Grieving is defined by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, MD. as five stages:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Detachment is a multistage process that includes :

Acknowledgement

Self-inquiry

Processing

Creative Action

Freedom

Where would you put yourself after learning that she has found someone else?

This is really hard stuff when you have kids together. Staying angry protects us from feeling deeper griefs, and it also makes it hard for our kids to process difficult feelings. Plus, you and your wife have to coparent   

yeah... .it hurt´s

and i feel like i´v gone thru this denial,anger and stuff before... .

just not with the real END!

so what do i do?

well . . . Life can beat me down as many times it can. . . but always .  .always will i get up and keep moving forward.