BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I'm just going to be recycled by my uBPDGF (we live in different cities, seeing us on weekends). Or in other words I'm going to accept her back. The breakup lasted one whole day, plus the evening two days ago, when she wrote that she doesnt love me anymore and I have to take all my things + gifts from her home. I just said OK (I try to be always ready to move on, if the day should come), she texted some unpleasant messages and after one day of silence she texts me, that she misses me, which for first I left unanswered... .

Her reason for the breakup was unvalidation from my side, on "her" weakest point, her daughter (I said she is underbred and behaved bad @ my parents). I knew it means problems, but I can not accept everything, and always stay perfectly validating& communicating. Naming what I found wrong only brought huge escalation.

My question: how can I avoid splicing/editing (doing as nothing wrong has happened) and how can I enforce boundaries now? What should (ideally) be addressed in the communication, when it begins. I can appologize for my words, but I can not tolerate raging and breaking up. I think she may reapeat it in the future for some other reason (well she is a borderline), and I think its now not really productive to simply say, that it has to be the last time?

What do you think, what can I now say, demand, address - before we reconcile?

Hi Hidden Dragon,

your questions are simple however there is not simple solution. Rules you lay down for her won't protect yourself from being hurt. You are taking a risk and you will be hurt the only choices you have it to say totally no or to manage your own commitment and investment. The latter is what boundaries are all about - rules for yourself.


It certainly wasn't very respectful what you said  . Have you apologized once? It is important to lead in that department (doing it once right but not repeat yourself) even if it can take a long, long while until we are followed.


You can't avoid drama in the relationship at this point in time. Trying to do so leads to walking on eggshells and nowhere good fast. Rather than preventing fighting it is important to limit the damage the fighting does to the relationship. Walking out and cooling down is a universal and generally very good strategy - just switch on TV and watch sports. If you can establish a culture of timeouts rather than breakups you will have achieved a lot. It is ok to walk out and this is the way we agree now to prevent silent treatment or triggering abandonment. I hate you and will not talk with you anymore for today - that is ok. I hate you and vanish without limit - that is not ok.

Hi An0ught, vielen Dank for the answer.


Yep, I know it wasn't very "smart", I apologized on the next occasion.

I didn't quite understand the latter part? You mean I just have to apologize once and that's it, even if she brings up the topic few more times?




We have been doing good in timeouts (never thought about it as a positive thing), this was first official "breakup". I'll work on it, I'll try to be a bit calmer and use the emergency brake much earlier when in such situation (so I must sometimes react in two seconds, but OK, I'll try).

Thanks again for the wise words.

Hi Hidden Dragon,


where you want to get to is a culture of accountability. This is part of or maybe it is complementary to boundaries. The focus is on people dealing with their own issues first and foremost.

By genuinely apologizing (maybe research on how to do it properly) you take ownership of the issue. Now it may still come up. Generally there are two main ways it does:

- pwBPD is still upset or a past upset gets triggered. In that case some validation may be appropriate but if it does not stop walkout/timeout or whatever is the best way to protect your boundary of not being abused.

- pwBPD is using a past issue to club you over the head and impress her emotions in your mind. This is instinctive behavior but it is still projection. Boundaries come to rescue.

Now it is tempting not to apologize as we all know the latter situation may occur. But as we also know pwBPD will take anything and throw it at us if upset so refusing to admit one mistake leaves plenty of other mistakes or imagined mistakes over. Nothing changes here. When upset a pwBPD almost by definition tries to upset others.

By owning your mistake properly it can not be used against you. You already own it. It should not hurt as much when used against you. If it is less effective to hurt you it will be less used - other attacks become more attractive.

By refusing to apologize again and again you create a culture of closing past issues (if only on your side).

Boundaries, consequences and accountability are all connected and it is important here to lead by example. It is for most distressed BPD relationships a big change. Change starts with us. When a pwBPD eventually by own initiative also starts apologizing a big milestone has been reached. 


Time together can be important for the relationship. Time apart can be important to maintain a sense of self. PwBPD often struggle with the latter with their fear of abandonment getting in their way. It is important to be clear you need a timeout for yourself and when you will be available again. This workshop may be useful (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0).