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11 years with ex BPD.

Last phone contact with her was 6 months ago. Starting about 2-3 months ago I was really feeling like I was healing. During the entire time I felt as though I still loved her and longed for her in a way, but also knew that any trust was completely broken. This also left me with a feeling of how will I ever trust another person again. Over that time period those feeling slowly waned, some days better then others but an over all positive trend.

Few weeks ago I was dating a relatively normal girl. Broke up with her because we didn't mesh well - pretty sure this was a healthy response and not tainted, I hope anyways.

There is another girl who I have been interested in for a while, but don't want to mess her up... .She doesn't drink, doesn't do anything risky, and has never had sex (despite being very attractive). I know without a doubt I'd be bad for her in my current state and not something I'd ever want to do.

Yesterday, was the first day where I completely felt over my exBPD. Today was similar. Until I got a hair cut after work. Had a few errands to run after that and was being checked out constantly as well as had two girls go out of their way to flirt with me (rather attractive guy and with a fresh hair cut I turn heads). For some reason this seemed to trigger a bout of depression, missing her like I haven't missed her in months, and my current insomnia.

Not sure what I am asking her, but maybe someone who has been through a similar situation can help - support   - advice   :thought: - whatever 

Hey naguma, that sounds tough. The affects from a relationship like this can loom for a bit, and I don't think any of the experiences ever leave us. We just learn to cope with them.

I think it's normal to want all of it to be over with... .the feelings, associations, etc. And it's definitely an important thing to consider that perhaps you may struggle in intimate relationships (hence your feelings after breaking up with the girl you were seeing, or considering another partner). I've definitely had similar experiences. When a new relationship didn't work out, I got depressed. And it's hard to get out of sometimes.

I'm curious about this new girl though. I've been there before, with the attitude that it probably wouldn't work out because of me or the other person. But she's not going to get messed up if she establishes good boundaries with you and continues her healthy lifestyle. Why do you think that you'd be bad for her? Is it explicitly because of your pd relationship?

I think it is because they mirrored us and made us feel like they were our soulmates. We fell for a fantasy r/s and now we know that is not possible. Probably a fear of the unknown mixed with a fear of ending up with another one. I think we feel like they were "the one" and that's what makes us miss them- but remember it was all an act. Maybe if we think of them as con artists we wouldn't miss them so much. I don't know... .Glad you are meeting new people though. I feel like it will never happen for me. I am too afraid number one, but it seems harder for women. In my state there are twice as many women as men. It's just going to have to be God putting the person in front of me and my not seeing red flags I guess. Good luck!

Your healing and forward progress isn't going to be a linear clime, one step forward after the next. Fits and starts like that one are to be expected. Have you recovered any from it in the next couple days?

 Be patient with yourself.


I'm not quite sure what you mean here, but this bit about messing her up in your current state has me wondering what you mean too.

I'm a little confused here too--If you were in a 11 year r/s, you have to be nearly 30, if not well past. How old is she? If she's way younger than you (say, ~20), then having never had sex seems reasonable/normal, if not common. If she's over 30, that is more of a red-flag red flag that something is really weird about her, especially since you say she is attractive.

Hey Naguma, I can relate to this.  I was introduced to a very nice women by a friend and went out on a double date.  Had a nice time and the introduction went very well.  She was sweet as pie and during the dinner I observed her doing things that were very moving to me; just the way that she said thanks for dinner and a comment she made implying a great deal of respect for the fact that I was with her and she wanted to honor our time together.

After I went home and thought about it all, I thought, this woman is very nice and is deserving of someone who is available - and I am simply not - and did not want to lead her on into thinking that I was.  A few days later we texted and I let her know where I was at emotionally with processing my marriage.  She was so nice and said thank you for telling me and is willing to be a friend.

So - I wonder if you have the sense of yourself as being unavailable?  Perhaps not wanting to take advantage of a woman that has not been with a man?  I think these qualities speak volumes about your integrity and genuineness and perhaps, if you are interested in this woman, may be worth a dialogue about where you are at and see what she says - after all, isn't this how a relationship begins?

Just a thought.  Let us know - I am curious to hear... .