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For my ex it was people of the same gender that look like they would kick your butt if you tried anything funny lol.

For mine it was the groupies who gave him his narcissistic supply. They could never be split black because he needed his supply and had to idealise them to validate the source of supply.

Same went for my ex. Until flying monkey number 1 made the mistake of hooking up with another friend of my ex leaving him with a lot less attention...

i dont know if id use the word "cant" but my exes father would be described simultaneously for his horrific behavior and being "the greatest man in the world".

i also think her first serious ex is perpetually painted white.

I have the same perspective on my ex. Mom is 'evil but also incredible'. And I happen to be the ex that's perpetually painted white.

So yeah... .to the original question. I think that for some people it can be very difficult to hate certain important/special people. That's all internalized as shame and guilt, and the perceived 'good' is continually mirrored at varying intensities ad infinitum. In a way, if you refer to that one 2010 post (here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981), you can get a really good grasp of what's potentially happening in your mind, and also your ex's.

Minus the clinging and the self harm as my ex never did those (well... binge drinking in my book also counts as self harm... ) the 2010 post is our relationship. Exactly that.

And that is why I can never be painted white again. And why I don't want to.

I have bookmarked it. I need to read it again so I can really get who is who in this. And I think I might email it to my T. So she understands what happened in my view.

With my ex I know it's her last boyfriend who happens to be in the same profession she is. This was the same guy she claimed "raped her" . Well I know that's not true now. It seems to me that I'm really the only person she has ever painted Black! From what some of our mutual friends stated. She is friends with all her exs . It's just me that sends her off the the Dark side. Oh and some of her family members as well.

If she claims he raped her that doesn't sound as if she's painting him white...

Yeah, I was gonna say his mom. He was horribly abused by his stepfather, and his mother let it happen--even signed on to the reasons he had to be abused (religious, among others). And yet he's never had a bad word to say about her--or even, is seems, much outward curiosity about what made her tick.

His brother, who took over parenting duties, he put on a pedestal. From what I can tell, his brother is classic NPD, but he continued to speak worshipfully about him--even while telling me all the narcissistic, misogynistic, self-deluded things his brother did. To be fair, his brother seemed like a fascinating person, but also transparently messed up. And he did seem to sometimes admit all that.

But his mother---there was a kind of bland incuriosity about her. Never on a pedestal, never criticized---even though to the most casual observer she was incredibly negligent and passively abusive.

oh I agree but my ex was a very very cunning and slick individual.  she used that to sucker me back into a relationship with her. She also said her brother and his friend molested her as a kid. Another lie. Some of these individuals (woman) will act like a damsel in distress to rope you in. Mine obviously was an expert in it.

My ex values status, so he has "famous" friends that are always the most brilliant, wonderful, beautiful people on the planet. They are so white they glow in the dark.

Of women he dated all are painted black. I think he had a hard time doing it to me, and still struggles with it. The problem is I am very well-respected and liked in our arts community. The other girl friends he smeared successfully. I think he's having a harder time doing that with me. So the way he is playing it is I broke his heart. That way I look like my success went to my head and I dumped him repeatedly while he begged to be taken back. It's completely untrue and very hurtful.

For my ex it is all about narcissistic supply. He cares more about his social image than any person. I don't say that to be mean, it is just the sad truth.

Interesting... .Overlap again... My ex says he doesn't care about fame but managed to drop a name every now and again... which I truly don't care about so I'm not impressed. And yes, all exes are on what I call 'the bitter-list'. Or a lot. Perhaps with an exception of 2 since there are pictures of 2 girls on his Instagram of years ago. But I have no clue how many exes there are.

My ex had a stormy 18 year marriage followed, according to him, by an idyllic 15 year relationship.

His ex wife has no contact with him apart from, when necessary, matters regarding their adult sons. I got the feeling that he was angry that she has her own life. He expressed annoyance that she doesn't want to be part of his present group of friends. Odd that he should want her to be, unless it's control and self-aggrandisement. She is away and free and therefore he paints her black.

His former partner is idealised. She seems to be a passive manipulator. Ended up with his house in her name by the time they split. He ended the relationship because she wanted to live near her adult daughter and wanted to sell the house and was only with him one day a week. She has a symbiotic relationship with her daughter (daughter's marriage eventually ended due to this), he was jealous of the daughter. The ex maintains contact with him.

One of the first major cracks in our relationship happened when he was telling me that her daughter, when aged 14, had breast implants for free because she was underdeveloped. This was when he and ex were living together. I was astonished and said that that would not happen at such a young age and for that reason. That his ex partner had not told the truth to him, that they were probably the result of private treatment undertaken by her mother at daughter's request and a costly, and questionable decision. (At this point I began for the first time to feel the craziness of this "perfect" relationship."

He became very angry, started belittling me because he could not bear his idealised vision of ex to be undermined. It's very important for him to maintain his illusion about her, even though eight years on, she still owes him a large sum of money. I think maybe he has to convince himself that there was one good relationship in his life?

Sometimes, when someone is persistently painted white it's because the BPD needs to maintain a false belief for their own benefit. Whether it's the illusion that a relationship was good - feeding their denial, or narcissistic supply - whatever. There's always a reason.