BPDFamily.com

It's great to find this forum.

My sister has all the traits of BPD, However she insists she went to a BPD expert who said she doesn't have it. Knowing my sister (41 yrs old), either she is not telling the truth or she managed to charm the therapist. Or the therapist wasn't an expert in BPD. I'm not sure.

What I do know, is that it is incredibly tough to have a sister like this. She had two young kids who I'm really afraid for. They're good kids but getting damaged by my sister's tantrums, violence, inconsistency and all the other symptoms.

I really don't believe that she will acknowledge any of this - do any of you have the same experience whereby the BPD suffered denies they have it?

Cheers,

Hi guys,

Just to add more info on my last post. My sister can be charming and lovely. When she wants something. There is a very aware part of her that needs to get her own needs met before anyone elses (including her children). However growing up she was in a psychiatric unit and she's self harmed before, attempted suicide (or said she was going to), can be violent, flies into rages, you walk on eggshells with her. She's extremely manipulative and tries to divide and conquor my parents (she's very good at that). There is an almost rock solid inability to take responsibility for the hurt and pain she causes. I feel on one level that if she admits to some responsibility she wouldn't be able to cope with the realities of the terrible pain she has caused us all. I have tried a thousand and one ways to help her, but a few years ago realised that my efforts were in vain. She will never change.

The issue is now, I feel so terribly for my nieces. They are only children. I remember growing up with my sister and it was horrible, she was abusive and a bully to me (I'm the younger sister). It's so hard to stand by and watch her doing it to her kids. I feel at a loss. How do I help them? She has convinced them that I and my parents (who the kids adore) are the abusers. Not her. The poor kids are so terribly confused. Their instincts say that their favourite aunty and their beloved grandparents are not bad people, but my sister constantly tells them we are - so what choice do they have? I am really at a loss. I don't know what to do to help them? Can anyone help?

I saw the below list on a website about mothers with BPD and it is unbelievably spot on: 


Neglect:  People with Borderline Personality Disorder can be so absorbed in their own pain that they are incapable of putting even their own children’s needs before their own.

Over-control: It is quite common for parents with Borderline Personality Disorder to attempt to control their children’s behaviors, feelings, and actions to a degree that inhibits their child’s ability to develop independently.

Rage: Parents with BPD can have reactions that are wholly disproportionate to the perceived infraction. Occurrences of prolonged rages and angry outbursts are common.

Criticism: Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder often hurl put-downs and insults at their children. As children are often seen by their BPD mothers as merely extensions of themselves, this may reflect feelings the parent has about themselves and represent a form of projection.

Blame: A child of a BPD mother may be made to feel that they are to blame for their mother’s sadness or anger. People with BPD have trouble taking responsibility for their own feelings.

Enmeshment: People struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder have a deep fear of abandonment. Sometimes a BPD mother may develop a relationship with her child that is stifling to the child’s attempts to become an individual. She may look to this child for comfort and validation rather than the other way around.

Parental alienation: A mother with BPD may not be able to tolerate a loving relationship between her kids and their father. She may feel that this love threatens her own relationship with their children. Sadly, it is not uncommon for these mothers to speak poorly about the other parent in an attempt to turn their children against them.

Hi BellaVend

Many of our members have shared experiences of how the BPD persons in their lives seem unwilling or unable to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with their behavior. Some members have even shared stories about how even after been officially diagnosed with BPD, the BPD persons in their lives still did not acknowledge the issues and sometimes denied the diagnosis.

I was raised by an undiagnosed BPD mother and can very much relate to the list you included in your second post.

Your posts make clear that your sister has been dealing with very serious problems for a long time now. This is quite tough to deal with so I definitely understand your concerns for your nieces. How much contact do you have with your sister? How often do you get to see and/or talk to your nieces?

You mention that your sister also tells bad things to her children about your parents. Do your parents also believe your sister has BPD?

Welcome to bpdfamily

Dear BellaVend,

I think you're bang on with the diagnosis, unfortunately.

As Kwamina says, many BPDers don't acknowledge any problem or chaos they have caused.  In my own experience with my mother, it went even further.  She would regularly proclaim how perfect a mother she was, that we had the best childhood EVER, that she "got" my degrees for me, and so on.

So, while it would be nice to have your sister "own" the chaos she is causing, I wouldn't hold your breath.

Kids are smart.  While I was in the fog of confusion (assuming my mother had my childhood needs as a priority, yet seeing other stuff), I knew my grandmother loved me unconditionally.  As I've talked to other children of BPDers, this is a common thread:  the importance of the normal adult relative. 

You are that person!  It's amazing your nieces have you in their life.  Do what you can to be around and prove your authenticity with actions, not so much with words.  They might be confused about their mother, but not about your authenticity.

Welcome to the saddest, yet strongest club there is.

JTC