BPDFamily.com

I provided an update on the “Legal” board but thought I would put something on this board as well. DH was in a recent hearing to determine guardianship of SS21, who has special needs. We got the news that DH was awarded sole guardianship. It was a big relief. As you might imagine, his ex (uBPD) is not taking it well.

Brief background -- it was determined when SS turned 18 he would need a guardian. This isn't custody but rather having support for major decisions affecting him. uBPD couldn't make up her mind what she wanted (at different times she said she wanted sole guardianship, nothing and joint) but in the end agreed to be a joint guardian. Shortly after that she went away to live near her parents and left SS alone for a year or so. Meanwhile, SS21 moved an hour away from us to attend a special program to help him transition into the workplace. He got some minimal support where he lived but otherwise got himself to school, work, etc. In other words, he gained some independence and he was thriving. We talked to him often and saw him regularly.

Eventually uBPD swooped in to "rescue" him -- demanding he no longer ride his bike to work and then deciding she would move to live near him because he "needed her".   A few months later SS21 asked DH if he could move back to where we live. When SS21 told his Mom, she said she would move back too. SS21 decided he would live 50/50 with both parents in our city. Almost immediately upon her return, uBPD filed court documents saying she wanted sole guardianship. 

From April 2015 to December, uBPD sent DH email after email spouting her accusations and demands, many emails including elaborate summaries of all she had done for SS21. She was trying to build her case but these emails just reinforced her approach. At the end of December, DH and his ex filed affidavits with the court. uBPD’s affidavit was unorganized, repetitive and filed with errors. The hearing started in mid-February. DH’s ex was on the stand first – for 5 hours. She struggled answering questions from her own lawyer and even more answering questions from DH’s lawyer. DH did much better. It was clear watching the judge’s reactions and questions that the judge knew something wasn’t right with uBPD. The hearing didn’t end in February because they ran out of time so it was another month before the judge had time for the hearing to be completed.

A full year from when we learned uBPD was filing for sole guardianship, the judge released her decision saying that in applying the law, it was clear that the two couldn't work together and that DH was the more fit guardian. uBPD is the "alternate" -- if something happened to DH, she would be guardian. The decision outlined how uBPD brought this on herself. Rather than proving DH was an unfit guardian, the judge found that uBPD was treating SS21 as though he was a helpless child, rather than a vibrant young man with hopes and dreams. And rather than proving DH was difficult to work with, uBPD provided evidence of how she was controlling, disrespectful and demanding.

We now have to wait a month to see if she appeals the ruling. Within hours of getting the decision, uBPD got on a plane to see her parents. She told SS21 and DH she doesn't know when she is coming back -- telling SS21 that her mother is ill. She also said that when she returns to our city, SS21 can no longer live with her 50% of the time.

SS21 is very confused and hurt by all that his Mom is saying. He knows that the decision said nothing about him not living with his Mom. He says she tells him that she no longer feels as though she is his mother. SS21 feels sorry for her and keeps checking in with her and trying to get her to commit to how many days a week he can stay with her when she returns. We validate him as much as we can and hope his counsellor can help him too. Given the decision is public, DH can share it with his counsellor. It should give some idea of how SS21 has been treated by his Mom -- something DH has been unable to share as a joint guardian because uBPD was at each session making sure he didn't. There is nothing in the decision that indicates mental illness -- but of course the judge can't diagnose that -- but there are hints that something isn't quite right.

We have breathed a sigh of relief, but are still waiting for to see if uBPD appeals. So far, we couldn't have asked for a better decision. Even if it stands, there will still be more ways uBPD can try to interfere, but generally the abusive, demanding emails should stop. DH no longer has to try to work with her, involve her, sit in meetings with her, etc.

We know this is best for SS21 and hope we can now work harder to help him fulfil his dreams. 

That IS great news.  I can only hope that uBPD mom will be out of town for some time... .giving your DSS time to heal and be away from some of the crazy will help him see the situation more clearly.

I really hope she doesn't appeal--maybe she will find a sense of purpose for a while helping out her mom.

This is great news NorthernGirl! A big   to the three of you... They are blessed to have you stading in their corner.


Though not surprising, this Waifish abandonment would both sadden and anger me. Hopefully, you can communicate that he is that vibrant young man with hopes and dreams and that he is never responsible for someone else's feelings.

My ex works with students and young adults with disabilities. Based up some of her stories about a few parents, I wondered how much disordered parents contributed to keeping some of those kids down and dependent.