BPDFamily.com

I'm not even sure where I should begin, but I felt I ought to introduce myself since I've been reading the threads here for a few days without participating yet.

I'm nervous even of posting in this group because I feel like my mother will read what I've written and there will be hell to pay.

I recently had what can only be described as an epiphany in learning that my mother is living with uBPD. I have been coping with this my entire life (I'm 39 now) and when I read some of the words in Christine Lawson's book, it was like reading about myself and my relationship with my mother. I cried tears of relief  as I read the descriptions of the BPD mother in Lawson's book. I've been my mother's emotional and physical caregiver since I was an adolescent, putting her needs before my own and having to grow up way too young.

My mother has been using toxic guilt, manipulation tactics, threats of self-harm, feigned illnesses, multiple failed relationships, friendships and estrangements with family members... .and on and on and on... .within her relationship with me for as long as I can remember.

This year I finally feel too drained, too sapped of any energy left for her after I started trying to formally set some boundaries and was treated to a week-long silent treatment which led to a four month estrangement. I feel like we are given a finite amount of energy with which to care for our parents in our lives, and that mine has all been used up already. At this point I returned to therapy and finally listened when my therapist said he believed my mother has BPD. I believe I wasn't ready until now to accept this truth and learn more about it and gain some new perspectives on my childhood and what influence this has had on my personality and my life.

I've been held up as the best daughter in the universe and now because I finally started to set some boundaries with her, I've been told she doesn't want to associate with someone who could be so cruel after the life she's lived, and that I should no longer call her mom. Then she blocked me on Facebook (she did me a favor there, I've been wanting to do that for awhile but hadn't so she could see photos of my son). She has shown signs of treating my six year old son with similar regard as she has shown me in the past and that alarms me, to say the least.

I have anticipated this break from her for a few years... .none of her relationships work out. She dismisses people from her life as soon as they can no longer fulfill her emotional needs. This includes my brother at times, and now me. She is a perpetual victim, as though this is the only "normal" she knows.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is uBPD and also exhibits narcissistic traits, as well.

It is an enormous relief to know that there is a name for what has been going on my whole life and that I am not alone in learning how to cope and move on. Right now I feel like I don't want to continue my relationship with her. She refuses to acknowledge any wrong-doing in any of her failed relationships, uses her "horrible life" as an excuse for all of her behaviour toward me and I'm not currently willing to battle it out with her anymore. I'm tired.

Thank you so much for listening.

Good for you, Amelia.  After having your mother drain you for so many years, I hope you get a good amount of drama-free peace, and can recharge and take care of yourself now. 

It's amazing how much a pwBPD can drain from others.

 

Hi Amelia

Welcome to bpdfamily

I can very much relate to you feeling drained, dealing with an uBPD mom for so many years can really take its toll on you. No matter how you decide to move forward with the relationship with your mother, the way you are feeling now is a clear sign that you need to be mindful of your own well-being. I agree with Pilpel and also hope you'll be able to use this period to recharge your batteries a bit and take good care of yourself.

Whether you are no contact (NC) or not, I think having firm boundaries is essential. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries allows us to protect and preserve our own well-being, regardless of whether the other person changes or not.


Now you were ready to listen to the idea that your mother might have BPD. The way you've worded this part of your post, suggests your therapist had mentioned BPD to you before, is this correct? Accepting the truth about a disordered parent isn't easy because it also means letting go of the fantasy parent you might never have had and might never have, yet deep inside might still long for very much.

How would you describe your relationship with your brother? Does he also believe your mother is disordered?

Take care

Hi Amelia, 

Wow! I feel like I could have written this post about my own BPD mother. Thank you so much for sharing, I can really relate to a lot of what you are going through and have been through. I've known about my mother's BPD for about five years now (I am 25), and I still remember the relief I felt when I first read about Borderline. It helped me start to make sense of my abusive childhood and the dysfunctional relationship I have with my mother.

I am brand new to this site, but I have been working through a lot of the same things with my therapist. It sounds like you are taking a lot of good steps towards healing, and try to be proud of that.

I cannot tell you how many times my mother has told me she is cutting me out. Threats of giving me away to relatives or foster care were a go to whenever she was mad when I was a kid. That turned into "I'm kicking you out" as a teen, and when my parents split up when I was 20, she did kick me out.

Just remember that you are protecting yourself and your family. I had to stop all contact with my mom for a year because she wouldn't get the help she needed and I needed to work on healing from PTSD and Mind Body Syndrome (MBS=Physical symptoms caused by emotional pain). We got back in touch when my father suddenly had an arrhythmia, went into a coma for a week and passed away. That was about a year and a half ago.

Every day is a struggle, but there are many good tools to use, this being one of them.

Thank you again for your courage, your post has helped me feel like I'm not alone in this.

Wishing you all the best,

Swan22

Thank you so much for your kind words. There is a lot less drama these days, which has been a nice break. Unfortunately it feels like there is a lot more time left to overthink things. I'm giving myself time to write in a journal and try to move on with the day after that rather than dwell on things. My family gets the best of my energy now and I love that.

Thank you so much, I agree completely when it comes to maintaining wellness. You can't fight any battles if you're unwell, and this includes emotional well-being, too! I take time almost every day to walk or run and to spend time with my husband and son.


Yes, he had mentioned it years ago but I either didn't understand what that meant (i.e. "borderline what exactly?" or didn't have the resources or make it a priority to investigate further. My step-mother, who has been my enlightened witness since I was a teenager, is a psychiatric nurse and has also suggested this gently in the past when I would turn to her for support.


My relationship with my brother isn't great. It seems to depend on whether one or both of us is on good terms with our mother. So naturally, right now, since I am NC with her, I haven't heard much out of him. He tries to stay neutral but our relationship really does depend upon our mother's state of being and whether or not we are getting along with her at the time. He and I are very different, and I have accepted that we will never be very close. I've made peace with that. He did call me on the weekend to tell me that he and his wife are expecting another baby and I was happy to hear from him personally about that. When my brother and I were adolescents, my mother remarried and my step-father and my brother didn't get along. My brother went to live full-time with my father then. I recently discovered a lot of resentment that we were separated at that time in our lives. We still saw each other, but not as often as we should have.

Thank you for opening up this dialog and allowing me the space and freedom to talk about my past.

Isn't it amazing to discover we are not alone? Not the only kids who suffered through hurt and confusion from our mothers as children? 


I'm so sorry that you experienced this from your mother. That must have been horrible. I was never threatened in this way when I was growing up, but my mother did leave me to live in our apartment on my own when I was 18 and still in high school and working at a restaurant. She went to live with the man who became her third husband at that time. It wasn't right for me to have been left with so much responsibility at that time. The child support cheque from my father paid the rent, but I had to pay the rest of the bills for the apartment and still try to be a student. Somehow I managed and even got accepted into university but it wasn't an easy time for me and I made some questionable choices during that time. I guess all teenagers do. We are forced to grow up too young, aren't we?


Wow, thank you, I never considered that my words and story would be helpful to anyone, so I appreciate that. We'll get through this, like everything else we have endured. 

In general, people tend to be in a relationship balance with each other. If you change the way you relate to your mother, (setting boundaries) she isn't going to like it. Read about the extinction burst. If your mother has found that getting angry at you, or the silent treatment, or cutting you off is effective for her ( because it effects your behavior) it only makes sense for her to do what she knows has worked for her.

It isn't easy, but we need to be consistent when establishing new boundaries regardless of the reaction.

I know it isn't easy. I too was told as a teen that I was the cause of the problems in the family and had threats to send me away. At first this hurt, but then, I wanted it too, and literally counted the days until I could leave for college. I had no clue about BPD at the time ( a long time ago). I actually believed that once I left, my parents would be happy.

I have been mostly the "black child" but if mom was angry at a sibling, I might be the "white child" for a while. I have been the best D in the world to her and the worst. I can't even count the times she has cut me off, even took me out of her will, then put me back in. I realize this is just the way it is.

Getting counseling for me, working on co-dependency was well worth it. It would be hard to not be emotionally affected when growing up like this, but it is possible to develop emotionally healthy ways of relating to people and have happiness. Best wishes.

I'm so sorry, and I can sort of relate. My mother opened up my parent's marriage after I caught her having a long distance affair over the phone. That happened when I was 18. After that my mom would take off whenever she wanted to wherever she wanted to meet up with men she met on one of those risky hook up dating sites. She would also bring them to our home, where my father and I still lived.

This was dangerous for not only my mother, but she was putting me and my dad in harms way too. This was not only risky in the expected ways, but we were going through financial hardship (my father ended up working two jobs while my mother did nothing), and so she was spending money we didn't have. She would make me loan her money, sometimes for bills and sometimes for hotel rooms, and my father would pay me back as he was able.

So while definitely different circumstances, we are definitely forced to grow up too young. I do a lot now for my inner child. I try to be the mother to her that she never got. I really like arts and crafts, so I have a bunch of adult coloring books. And I'm a Disney buff. And sometimes my wife and I will go play at a playground for my child self. I really recommend it! Whatever you remember positively from childhood, recreate it and visualize the joy on your five year old self's face.

Acceptance can be very hard because it also means letting go of what could have been and what you perhaps feel should have been. That's tough, I am glad you've been able to come to a place of acceptance and be at peace with this situation  What helped you reach this acceptance and peace?


You're welcome! Glad to have you on our board :)

Swan22 and Notwendy have given you some great advice |iiii


:)

I would also like to quote Pete Walker here: "Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared."