BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone

I really struggle with this one and maybe I've already asked but how do you view your exBPD partner?

I see mine as cunning evil b***h

Mentally ill child

Hate filled monster bent on destroying me

Pitiful sick little girl

Self hating woman

Evil demonic monster

Cruel abuser

Scary b***h

Angry little girl

Destroyer of souls

A person with BPD

I'm truly afraid of my exgf, I don't know why I give her so much power.

She is the mother of my child and I just can't see her as anything but evil, I can still hear her awful insults and sarcasms and disrespect.

I want to be with my son but I can't knowing she is going to continue being sick for as long as I can see. I know she hates me because I kicked her out of my life but I had no choice.

She was draining me and I was taking care of my son full time, she wanted me to break and lose everything.

Why do these people get pleasure from hurting us?

What happend to make people so hurtful? So cold, so mean, so disgusting?

My ex is as human as you or I.

To see him this way helps me know that he is no more and no less special than anyone else, no more deserving or less deserving of space anywhere in this world than anyone else.

I find that comforting.

Hello Sunflower

Was he abusive? Mean, sarcastic, cruel?

I see my ex as a petulant child. He isn't a horrible or evil person. He just didn't grow up and acts more like a child that is unable to control his impulses. To be in a relationship with him required me to take on the role of surrogate mommy.

I agree with the immaturity but you don't fear them?

I don't fear my ex. He is more of a hermit/waif type. I knew something wasn't right with him but couldn't figure it out because most of his behaviors were covert and passive/aggressive.

Now, if he was queen/witch type, I'd be shaking in my boots. My oldest sister fits that category and I stay as far away from her as I can because there is no limit to what she will do to seek revenge once she paints you black.

Oh I see voc

My ex is telling people I raped her, we were engaged about a month later so no one believes it. Still if she can say this then she's  able to do or say anything. I kicked her out so I'm not sure if that's why she hates me so much. I'm afraid she will injure my son when I return him home to her then blame me. She's unbelievably vicious

I have seen some of the things that my sister has done. She would cut off her own nose just to spite her face.

Have you consulted with a lawyer or any kind of legal assistance to protect yourself? My family and I went down the DA's office to see if anything could be done about my sister. While her behaviors were annoying and scary, they couldn't legally do anything unless she made a direct threat and there was some other stuff they said. One time, my sister called the cops on ME because I asked her to leave and wouldn't let her in my house. She made up some BS that she was worried about my kids because I wouldn't let her see them or some crap like that. By law, they had to come out and do a welfare check on us. They found out that everything was fine and left. It was still scary to have the cops called on me for setting a boundary that was perfectly reasonable.

I highly suggest that you read the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David D. Burns. At the very least, look up his "Ten Common Cognitive Distortions." One of them is "labeling." In the book, he stated how labels like "loser," "jerk," "evil," etc are meaningless because they mean different things to different people. When you label you ex as "evil," it's a destructive form of black and white thinking that doesn't help solve the problems. It just makes you feel more bitter.

I also recommend you look up the "triple column technique." It teaches you how to identify your distorted thoughts and replace them. I provided links.

www.apsu.edu/sites/apsu.edu/files/counseling/COGNITIVE_0.pdf

https://www.power2u.org/alternatives2013/downloads/Burns-Triple-Column-Technique.pdf

www.theducklows.ca/downloads/Triple_Column_for_Emotions.pdf

I talked to a lawyer, he said it's tough to be around someone like that but I'm well known in our community and so is my exgf and NO one would believe my ex especially since I would be # 7 to 9 men who attacked her. Then her and I getting engaged, not sure any sane woman would marry such a thing. I reported this to our local police and they said she never filed charges. She's angered my family but they just roll their eyes, I still cannot believe how sick she is, still has custody after stating a few weeks ago on fb she was going to take a dirt nap?

Yes she's scary

To answer your question, I view my ex as a flawed, beautiful person with many positive qualities and emotional instability that causes her a lot of problems. I miss her and hold no ill will against her.

I think we hold these people to too high of a standard because their mental illness isn't as obvious and function at a higher level than a schizophrenic.

Would you take it personally if a schizophrenic's distorted thinking caused them to hurt you? Probably not. You would probably say, "They're nuts. That's sad," and that would be the end of it.

Thank you sweet tooth, I always forget how mentally ill she is because she was so clever at hurting me then blaming me for feeling bad. If I can see her as someone who don't know better it helps. I simply cannot understand anything about her, except the deliberate hurt she caused me.

Maybe I was expecting way too much from her

You're welcome. That's understandable. It's hard not to take it personally when someone tries to defame your character. However, you said she's known around town for telling tall tales. Her reputation is in the toilet, just like a guy with schizophrenia who claims he signed The Constitution. Nobody beyond her toxic network will take her seriously.

I know, I just hope she don't harm my son. I've seen her totally psychotic with delusions from thinking people spike her drinks to people wiring her apartment to me stalking her, she seen things she heard things. Just scared for my son as well.

A good friend of mine who's known my ex for years told me my ex wants me to suffer and delights in my pain

That is very scary. Hopefully you can bring this up in Family Court. Can you request a Court Ordered Psych Evaluation?

I actually pity my ex. No capacity for change in him. It's sad.

I doubt it, she's made suicide threats all last year when we were together and nothing was done, she can turn her behaviours on and off like a swith. That's one thing I don't understand as well, so much attention seeking I never knew the truth. Her stories were so unbelievable too. Raped 5 times by 5 different guys, then me (  :'() then finding out last week she's reported 3 more rapes at her apartment. How is she still able to keep my son in custody?

I've called Child Protection and police and her family and they all just look the other way

Hello rare weet

I hear that all the time too, change is difficult and requires action. I am changing but very slowly, my exgf wasn't interested in changing and I'm not sure she thought she needed to or just knew she couldn't. I couldn't be around her anymore because she was so miserable and mean to me and everyone else.

I don't like drama and chaos anymore

I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Unfortunately, the court system is prejudiced in favor of mothers for some reason. I would keep a log of EVERY text, letter, etc. I would even consider recording phone calls with her, but I'm not sure of the legalities of that. If you keep all that stuff you will have concrete, physical evidence to present to a judge.

I would also discuss your case with a lawyer. Your son deserves to be safe and in a stable environment.

I view my ex now as nothing but a sneaky lying individual who will stop at nothing to get what she wants or who she wants. When she is done she throws them away like a piece of trash with no remorse what so ever for what she just did.

Yes!

What's interesting is that from what she has said to me about herself - she views herself as :-

Victim of her exes

People person

Rescuer

Helper

Calm

Hard done by

Let down by her mother (who she hates)

Let down by her father (who she mainly ignores)

My view of her

Wants the best for people, but just can't help looking after number one! (no empathy)

Selfish

Gets what she wants at the expense of or without thinking about anyone else.

Can't see how damaging to herself and others her actions are, seems astonished when her insults / actions hurt me, and always saw herself as acting well. Because of this, always blames others when things go wrong. No self awareness.

Unable to resolve conflicts.

Provocative - to get an emotional reaction. Needs me to be emotionally hyped up, then she can be rescuer/persecutor

One thing that really shook me, was that if I was ever ill or injured she just didn't know what to say or how to react. Almost like she thought it was ok to insult / punish me for having let her down. No empathy I guess.


So to me, I now view her as a 3 yo girl, unable to make sense of the world, and unable to take responsibility for her actions.

I view my ex as a highly skilled manipulator who has used his work experience to package himself as a gentle and charming soul. The contents don't match the enticing box.

I also view him as a confused child who knows there's something amiss, insecure and frightened, who runs away to escape the pressure of maintaining his facade.

I also view him as selfish, inflexible, a self aggrandising flirt, self-serving, impulsive, b___y, and self promoting.

Superficial friends and acquaintances think he is delightful. Those of us who have got closer and know him intimately don't share this view.

Although someone commented recently that "he has a dark side" - so perhaps some are more perceptive than others.

^^^^^^ that

But the only one that sees his dark side, and really understands what he could be capable of, is me.

There may be others in his dim and distant Bibi who have removed themselves.

I only know of two in my ex's past: his ex wife who told him "everyone thinks you're so nice but I know the real you" - he told me this to garner my sympathy. And his son who hasn't had contact with him for five years, his words to ex were similar and repeated to me to indicate how unreasonable his son is.

But he met his group of friends in the town where we live just four or five years ago. Very few friends of long standing, maybe three or four.

Apart from one former girlfriend who remains his oasis. She is "spoilt child", aged 68. Think Bonnie Langford as Violet Elizabeth Bott in "Just William" - "I'll thcream and thcream until I'm thick" - they are mutually manipulative, it suits them.

It wouldn't be to your ex's advantage to tell you of those who have walked away and haven't looked back.

Very true troisette. He didn't go beyond being bitter about exes in general and saying he and his ex (I presume that was either the last or the most important of the last few, I suspect the latter) were now no longer on speaking terms. As if it happened quite recently when he told me while the last ex was about a year before I entered the scene, and the most important one was I suspect a year before that.

Does he have an oasis Bibi?

I remember comparing notes about it with thisworld, her ex also had a long-ago girlfriend who acted as oasis. I've read more and it seems not uncommon in BPDs with narcissistic traits.

As far as I know, no. His sister is closest to being his oasis.

My exgf had guys that would bail her out, most were rather slow in the head if you get what I'm saying? Not total mental incompetents  but still she used them to do things for her and borrow money, etc.

But spoke of them poorly and laughed at them for wanting to be actual boy friends with full benifits.

Jerry RG


It changes all the time currently!

Sometimes I can adopt compassion focused approach and feel nothing -like he is just human like me and imperfect as we all are

I can understand why he rejected me ultimately as he knew I wasn't going to be a full time carer and sycophant which is what BPD crave

but... .

ATM I hate him and am very angry! -He knew all along where I stood in terms of relationship and people being responsible for managing their own mh, he has made me feel tricked (although he prob genuinely was thinking he was at one time) into believing he was into personal growth and healing and encouraged me to move in with him saying he was dedicated to recovery ---but then turning round months down the line living together "recovery is boring"!   Because he leaves his condition untreated he suffers as do others around him - I do have empathy as it must be awful -and Ive learnt a lot about the condition and understand it more -but emotionally atm I just cannot get over how he is now with someone else (any old person by the seems of it -not attractive or intelligent)  giving me a spiel about not being able to be with anyone and needing to focus on himself -and also at knowing that perhaps in the future he will focus on himself when he has split himself white again but it will be too late for us ---I'm angry that I cannot fondly look back at any of the good bits -because as a whole now it means nothing -it has been complete nihilism. I'm angry that our relationship can be boiled down to a pattern of behavior -nothing actually special about it at all -when it once felt like the most magical amazing experience ever possible

and he did scare me last time I saw him physically -he uses drink to cope and it makes things worse---he kept telling me he was evil and in biblical terms he would be evil, he took great delight denigrating me loudly to mutual friends so I could overhear and threatened to kill a mutual friend because he was talking to me and he thought he was trying to chat me up!

also frustrated that he cannot grasp the concept of having to develop a self he can genuinely be at peace with without looking for external validation

also Jerry BPD -Borderline can mean the border between psychosis and neurosis -some people with BPD do end up on anti psychotic medication -they can suffer with transient stress related psychosis / dissociation

I am sorry you're going through this cherryblossom

I can relate all too well, a few days ago I was hating my exgf and a good friend who is very healthy said, really? You've waited this long?

I'm a Christian and hating people is not an option, God knows my heart so I can pretend how I feel but He knows.

I'm am and was far too trusting and I need to be shrewd as a viper and innocent as a dove.

You feel what you feel, someone here said don't deny our emotions whatever they are?

Hope things get better for you cherryblossom

I see her as an immature girl that acts 18 still (She is over 30). I used to hate her. Now though. I actually feel sorry for her. Her life is going to be full of drama and betrayal.

I know that eventually I will find a compatible person to be with. She is living a lie of her own self. Either she knows it or not she will always have turmoil in her relationships

I'm still very sad about the loss, and I miss her dearly ... .on a good day.

On a bad day, I realize how immature and incapable of true partnership she is. I realize how recklessly selfish and self-centered she is, and how challenging a longer-term relationship with her would have been. I see that she is incapable of accepting that a misunderstanding can just be a misunderstanding and not some bigger indicator of an underlying problem. (She takes nothing lightly, apparently, and makes vast leaps in logic based on her emotions.) And I see that her ex-husband will always be in her life, and that she will freely triangulate everyone else in her life based on him - and that's not what I want. I want a full partner, not someone who is halfway partners with somebody else. While my capacity for forgiveness is very healthy, she has said things to me about me that I can't let slide. It's not that she hurt my pride (although she tried, and admitted to trying!), it's that it's disrespectful to myself to allow her to treat me in these ways - and despite any glorious honeymoon period that we could have in the future, it would inevitably return to this.

It's awful, and it hurts, because the girl I met was not the girl that she really was. THAT girl I would have moved mountains for.

I'm at work and reading these post is tough, I'm crying for her, for all of you and for the children who will be brought up into this chain of suffering we here all endured and are fighting so hard to move on and survive.

YES! Omg same thing with my ex! Everything you just mentioned! Does your ex live in Canada by any chance? Lol! But all kidding aside everything you said same thing with mine! I sometime feel that half if not all the BPDs graduated from the same school!

Hang in there buddy! Your gonna be ok!

I agree with you Bob. Do I miss my ex. Yes very much. But not the woman she has become. I was friends with my ex since 12yo. At 14 we started to date and my mom found out and broke it up. My ex was a wonderful loving caring person. After our breakup she became what she is today. I always loved her. All these years. Now she came back and is worse then when we were teens. I would have died for my ex. It really is sad that they are so blinded to who really loves them . Life goes on... .

I agree with you Confused108

My exBPDgf was killing herself when we met, I cried and cried and begged God to allow me to give up my life for her. I knew how she felt but I had to save her (CD).

I told her many times, I died for you 999 times, but God in His wisdom and grace saved me from the last time, He gave me a new life. Now my life is better and I finally have hope, my future is what I make it.

Without my relationship I would have stayed away from AA and Alanon and for this I am grateful. I have to believe God has a sense of humour and I take things way too serious at times. He's always caught me and though my ex tried her best to destroy my self esteem and worth she failed.

I say let the dead burry the dead and we move on

I want to thank everyone for your heartfelt posts, it grounds me in the reality of my exs mental illness.

Hope you all have a great day! I hope your pain diminishes