BPDFamily.com

Hello

I have been married to my BPD husband for 20 years. It has been 20 years of pure hell. I decided to divorce him last year after he jumped on me and attacked me. He convinced me not to move out while we were going through the Divorce. He said he wanted to have a Peaceful divorce. I stayed in the same home with him , thinking it would be easier for my son.

Well, it is almost a year and since then he lost his job. I work all day then come home to take care of my 11 year old son. I find myself exhausted from all the work and verbal abuse from my husband. He keeps prolonging the Divorce and Avoids talking about it.

The problem is I feel so mentally exhausted from him that I can not find the Energy to move ahead with the Divorce.

I live in severe stress and I am extremely exhausted  I feel terrible that my son has to hear my husband's crazy talk. I know I need to Divorce him quickly but I am in a fog and feel so stuck in this crazy cycle

Hi Sky,

Like you, I am new here and have already been given a great deal of support from other people who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing.  Also like you I had a 20 year marriage that I have just recently started the process of ending, you will probably find the details of your 20 years very similar to many here, including my story.  I completely relate to your exhaustion, I myself and down about 20 lbs, and feel exhausted all the time, just recently have been able to sleep properly.  THAT came when my stbBPDxw finally moved out to her own place, the relief was palpable in the home not just for me but for the kids. 

However, it sounds as though your justified action of filing (I am assuming you have done this?) has triggered his core fear of abandonment, and to a BPD this sets off their acting out behaviors and puts them in overdrive.  If he has attacked you I assume you fear for the safety of yourself and your son, at this point it may be prudent to speak with a lawyer about a restraining order, in my state they can file an Ex Parte order which prematurely removes the other spouse from the house in the event of domestic violence.  If you have already taken the step to divorce him, this sounds to me like it may be the next logical step, if your husband is unwilling to seek help for his condition, and violence is not acceptable.  Next, If its really what you want dont talk about the divorce with him, let him continue to avoid it, that doesnt mean you have to.  Take control of it and continue through the process, you are going to survive, but it sounds to me like you have to take matters into your own hands. Finally, and I dont recommend this for legal reasons, but if you have friends or family and you are threatened again leave the house with your son.  The court will not look on this unfavorably if there is DV, you are protecting yourself and your child.

You're not alone.  The members here have Been There, Done That too.  Collectively we've accumulated a wealth of ideas, suggestions, strategies, etc that can help you in a variety of ways, emotionally, financially and legally (to a limited extent, we're not lawyers).

To summarize my thoughts... .You are NOT stuck.  You do have power.  Do you have an attorney?  Is he/she a problem-solving, proactive lawyer?  This is not the usual "file the forms and hold the client's hands" process.  Even if your stbEx is delaying through inaction and discouragement, that does NOT stop the process.  It can slow it but not stop it.  Courts are there to ensure that a divorce gets completed.  The only question is how quickly or how slowly.  It WILL happen, he can't stop that.  He's delaying, so your task is to light a fire under the professionals.

I recall my Ex delayed divorce for nearly two years.  It was a no-brainer for her since the temp order was so much in her favor — temp custody, temp majority parenting time and temp child support.  Guess what?  As I arrived at the court house on Trial Day for the trial she had tried to avoid, I was greeted at the door with the news that she was finally ready to settle.

Yes, the divorce process was horrendous, it made me (and the others here too) feel so down and frustrated, but after it is over, it's another world entirely... .  Like the light at the end of the tunnel... .  Like the rays of the sun peeking out from behind the clouds after a terrible storm... .|iiii

Hi Sky100,

I'm so sorry to hear about the extent of the abuse, including DV. How scary for you  :'(  It can feel very shameful to be treated this way. I want you to know that there are many people here who understand what you're going through and have walked in your shoes. You are not alone, like Makersmarksman and ForeverDad have said.

The exhaustion is the worst. If you're like some members here, you probably have anxiety and depression, maybe even PTSD. It makes it hard enough to get through the day, not to mention the effort it takes to file for divorce. And the uncertainty about what comes after that makes it hard to know if things will ever get better.

They do get better. Truly.

How far along are you in filing? Have you retained a lawyer? Coming here to talk to others who understand what you're going through is a really good first step.

I left my ex husband when my son was 9. How is your son doing? What is his relationship with his dad like? Does he know about the violence?

It took me 4 years to get the will to leave, and a full year of planning. I was set to leave one week while my husband was away for work and he was so tightly strung one Friday morning I feared what the weekend would bring. It definitely can feel like stepping off a ledge when you leave, that's why advance planning is so important. Being a step ahead in these divorce and custody battles will give you an important advantage, and this is something that friends here can help you with.

Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. These are not just difficult marriages and divorces, they are the most difficult. You are justifiably tired and need to be kind to yourself as you prepare to take this next big step.

We're here to walk with you if you want the support.



LnL

Hello and Thank you for your responses. It is wonderful to see that there are people out there who understand the stress, sadness exhaustion and disappointment that comes from being in a relationship with a sick person.

It sounds as though you all have ended or are in the process of ending your relationship with your BPD person. I am sure it is a wonderful feeling and I pray one day to know that feeling.

Makersmarksman -

Thank you for your response and for reminding me of the reactions we get when we trigger their core fear. That explains why my husband becomes so angry when he sees me and my son happy. It is sad that a person with BPD feels so threatened by others happiness

I have not yet filed because he manipulated me into believing that we can file and complete Divorce ourselves ( without Lawyers) . I now see how naive I was. He just manages to find reasons to delay the Divorce .

Foreverdad-

Thank you for your response :) I really do need to remember that I do have the power to move ahead with this process. I have been very stuck in the idea to make this process as peaceful as possible for my son. But peace I see, is impossible when dealing with a spouse who is so angry and manipulative. He convinced me that he is able to work out the Divorce without Lawyers but he becomes angry as soon as he is confronted about it.

Unfortunately , you are right, I have to take matters into my own hands.

LNL-

Thank you so much for your Words of comfort :) It is a wonderful feeling to know that others understand.

My son is 11. He never witnessed any physical abuse although he does hear the verbal abuse directed towards me from my husband. Despite my efforts to make things peaceful in the home he feels nervous and stressed because he never knows when his father will become upset. This makes me physically sick.I I have spent most my efforts in trying to make a calm home and to have a peaceful Divorce (lots of denial    instead of putting my efforts into actually leaving. I think I am very scared of the unknown. I see now how dangerous it is for everyones mental Health if I don't hurry.

Thanks again for your support! :)