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Can anyone tell me if my thoughts are normal. NC is supposed to make sure things better? It's supposed to get easier the longer you can go?

I've been in therapy nearly five months to help me come to terms with this ending but I still feel like time has stood still and it hasn't really happened. I think it's because of the sudden shock and trauma, my hair is balding in parts and I'm in a constant state of stomach churning sadness. I always said I wouldn't be able to be just friends with him because it would hurt feeling intense love and he claimed the same.

I'm feeling bad for the abrupt end which I enforced. I said some things ( in writing)  which I wish I could take back, but nothing that I felt to be untrue. I miss him in my life so much and can't get his voice or his image out of my mind. Instead of feeling better I actually feel worse as time goes on. Our relationship was illicit from the outset but I really did feel we were meant for each other.

I'm having a bad time with the fact that he apparently admitted intimate descriptive details, but denied seeing me for over a year. All that time he was telling me daily that I was all he could think about. It's absolutely devastated me. I thought I'd had my worst pain when he hurt me once in the past, but this is much worse. Is this just a man thing to play it down as just a fling?

I have wanted so much to msge him to ask how he is because I was angry and humiliated at the time, but I pass him sometimes for work schedules and we both lock eyes then turn away. It's really hurting to behave like we didn't exist. I said I was ending it knowing who he really is and that I meant nothing to him.  I know that wasn't true and feel bad about it.

Has anyone reached out to try to put things right hoping to go forward on a better note?

He hasn't tried to engage with me at all, I didn't expect him to nor do I think he would respond,

I think I just need to because I feel it's still unfinished and I'm still not moving forward, waking up crying after fretfull nights having dreamt about him, am I going nuts?

Any advice would be welcome.

No contact is just a tool to help you detach from your ex and the relationship and what happened. No contact is more than just not talking to or texting or emailing your ex it also means not secretly looking at social media accounts, doing online searches, and so on. We all fall off the NC wagon every now and again. But generally speaking it does get easier over time but it depends what happens in your life, if there is something to trigger you for instance.


Which it are you referring to? It the relationship? It the end?


Being just friends with someone you are in actual fact in love with never works; ulterior motives. So you're right in deciding not to want to be just friends.

Everyone here knows the feeling 'we were meant for each other'. Sadly it wasn't the truth. It's the fix talking. Getting over these relationships is as giving up an addiction to drugs; you know it is going to kill you but you long for that fix all day long.


If I remember correctly this is what he told you. So all you have to go on are his words. This isn't necessarily what actually happened. Would it still feel as bad if what he told you wasn't true?


It is a BPD/NPD thing more than a man thing I think. All you have to go on are his words of what he says what was actually confessed to his wife. He confessed to you what he confessed to his wife, than the 'wife' texted you what he physically did with you and threatened you. It all sounds like one massive narcisstic game. The affair got too complicated for him and she found out. The threats on social media were hers, the text messages were his.

He probably did think of you a lot; apart from what he might have felt for you, an affair is exciting. Keeping it a secret might have given him a lot of narcisstic supply.


What would be the point of that? 1) The messages you have received from his wife were very threatening. Reopening contact IMHO is not a safe option for you. 2) He was never going to keep both his wife and you both happy. You don't know what actually happened between his wife and him but he chose her and not you. So whether he is doing fine or is ticked off because he is no longer having his cake and eating it too is irrelevant. Chances he is totally unhappy are close to 0. If he was he most likely would have made a different choice.

So what is your aim in asking him how he is? Are you worried he is unwell? Or do you want to hear him say he missed you?


So what you are saying is you ended it because you felt angry and humiliated (and rightly so IMO) and now you regret that and you want him back. Because not having the drama in your life feels like what you had was never real. When you ended it you told him you could see his true colours and that you meant nothing to him and you now regret that too because 'you know that wasn't true'. How do you know that wasn't true? How do you know what you told him when you ended it wasn't in fact correct, and what you are saying now isn't your addiction to the drama and the pwPD and the relationship speaking?


Why is it unfinished?

Who needs to say what before it is finished? Who needs to do what before it is finished?


No, you're not going nuts. You're addicted and you're going through withdrawal symptoms. And that hurts. A lot.

Yes you're right, I only know what he processes to have told her, the messages which followed were supposed to be from her, I ignored them because hed told me she didn't care because she'd been asking for a divorce for a long time, but she was yelling at me in them for wrecking her life so I was confused and also confused because she chose social media instead of phone the next day ( apparently shed seen msges from him to me but didn't take down my number?)

I mean ' IT' ... .I struggle to believe all this drama actually happened because after a few days she suddenly had my number but didn't choose to call me/face me?

I couldn't go back to waiting and hoping for just crumbs which would be even smaller now than they were before, but I feel really sad that any other five year relationship like this would have ended with discussion and maybe being able to at least acknowledge each other in passing.

I guess I'm angry with myself for staying during the last year, when I told him more than once I'd understand if he wanted to work in his marriage. He always said it was past saving and he was past caring and it was me he loved, only me. That's the cruel part for me, at the end he told her he hadn't seen me in all that time because he was working on his marriage... .that for me was his true colours.

I always believed he loved me, but know he didn't love me enough, just didn't want to let go of the love I had for him.

When I say ' unfinished' that is because amidst all the drama, he never once had the decency to let me know he'd gone back home, or tell me of a decision, he left me stranded.

When I got msges a month later my first thought was that it was from him although his wife's phone, probably angry because I hadn't reached out as I had before. What wife would leave it that long?

I still have so many conflicting thoughts which don't add up, but acted on the way I felt then, he'd made his decision and left me in the dark and would still have come back when it suited him, so I put the last boundary in for my own feelings.

I guess I've just been triggered because I saw him.