BPDFamily.com

So I did a bit of rummaging around on youtube and I found an excellent series of podcasts titled 'going mental' by Paul Elam and dr Tara Paulmatier who both have a lot of years in the mental health field.

Firstly sincere apologies to all the women on these boards, these podcasts are focused on men's health as they are both advocates for men's rights. They are biased in their opinions but I think they try there best to keep most of their personal agendas out of these videos. That being said, I feel men watching them would receive more benefit out of it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P776LZjU31I

Rebuilding your self esteem after a borderline breakup

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7i4r6DjF2i0

What makes a borderline tick

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPANO_2VMA

What makes a healthy relationship

Now I ended up listening to all these videos while doing things around the house. I'm going to be honest, in 10 hours of podcasts I've sped my recovery up faster than weeks on these boards.

Why? I think it's because the way they talk about 'crazy' served as a real slap in the face and reality check for me. These are two people that have spent their careers treating borderlines and partners on the other side, they share stories about how extremely difficult it is to even begin treating a borderline and just how cunning and manipulative they are (intentional or not).

By the end of the videos I came to accept that I had been fooled by a very talented person, an emotional con artist yet at the same time I was given tools on how to get my self respect back and great advice on strengthening boundaries.

Once again, there men's rights agenda does creep into the videos, I think after watching them all it just comes from their frustration at the sympathy generated to borderline females in the US health system. I think majority of their advice is great, I urge people on here to give them a try!

I tried looking for a more gender neutral discussion, I couldn't find any like this sorry!

hi Ahoy,

i strongly encourage you to have a look at this:  Critical Review: Shrink 4 Men   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238014.0)

i also encourage you to stick to clinical information when it comes to borderline personality disorder. tara palmatier and paul elam are pretty far from conventional mental health, and if you were fooled by an emotional con artist, that has a very different implication for your recovery; it doesnt really fit in with BPD psychopathology.

Ooh thanks once removed. I'll read now. I was hesitant posting this as I knew it would be controversial.

I think it's important to spread knowledge not misinformation so if this goes against the grain too much than please remove this post!

They have good videos. I'm a big fan. Even if our exes aren't BPD, they are crazy. Tara and Paul's videos are very relevant. Bottom line is that we need to stay away from crazies. Check out Terrence Popp too. He has great stuff. You don't need a PhD to confirm you are dating a crazy.

I saw a meme on Facebook yesterday:

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you probably have healthy boundaries."  :)

I've had a bit of time to think about this and i read the critical review regarding their website.

I think both authors have very opinionated and biased views. These views probably do more harm than good when they comment on this very delicate subject. I certainly think their views on women do not help either.

I guess I should clarify with saying that what I learned from their podcasts is their advice not specifically on mental health but rather on having strong boundaries.

A lot of their comments are on healthy boundaries and how having respect for yourself (and the ability to say NO) will, for the most part, keep you out of trouble.

I think also I'm feeling a little anger this week (finally) hearing some biased stories probably helped deal with that (even if I was rolling my eyes at some of their comments)

Cheers

lol


lets talk about it!

anger is a normal part of the grieving process. when directed externally, as opposed to internally (some people consider depression to be anger turned inward) it usually feels a lot better than being stuck in depression or sadness, or self blame, etc. obviously we dont want to get stuck there either, but moving from one to another is real progress. have you tried writing "the list"? that is, list of things you didnt like about your ex or the relationship? it was a real turning point for me (it turned into more of a letter to myself than a list). i wrote some pretty harsh stuff im not proud of, but it was a very private, very personal exercise and i dont regret doing it.

is part of your anger perhaps in retrospect, that you didnt have healthier boundaries in the relationship? it helps to dig into our anger, like any emotion, and examine it (mindfulness).

i think good boundaries take practice, or at least they have for me. i literally read the book on them (its called "boundaries" and i highly recommend it) in high school. few years after i would meet and enter a relationship with my uBPDex. i did have a far better concept of boundaries (specifically saying no) than id ever had before. there were consequences, but something in me clicked - its like when youre told as a child that telling the truth can get you in trouble, but lying almost always makes it much worse. in this case "no" = truth and "yes" = lying. the thing is, in retrospect, my boundaries needed serious improvement. there were multiple instances where my ex crossed the line, and i simply moved it, while i threatened, but never followed through with breaking up with her. i would also assert a boundary too late (change my mind) and my ex would never really get past it. forms of manipulation are often confused as boundaries.

have you had a chance to read through this:  BOUNDARIES - Living our Values   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

putting boundaries into practice:  BOUNDARIES: Case Studies (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=132527.0)

Thanks for the insight!

I think in my case I was a little slower to the dating scene. I was also a bit of an anxious youth and this has slowly been changing as I have matured. Now I'm a  pretty confident person, although I do get some butterflies in big social events.

I think in my case, emotional maturity was lacking. The concept of boundaries is sadly a recent concept to me. This lack of maturity allowed me to shrug off the red flags I had during our 16 months together before marriage. I remember two exact situations when I questioned to myself "does my wife have a mental illness... .nah! Can't be right" and carried on.

Now almost two months into separation, my boundaries are starting to come up. Especially since I feel I have caretaker traits.

I'm moving to a town in 2 months and a longtime female friend will me moving in with me. I look forward to testing my boundaries with her and on other people I met, to ensure I don't get trodden on... .

I think because I'm a cop, I had some boundaries before I knew about the concept (you don't spend a lot of your time telling others what to do all day at work without taking some of that into your personal life lol)

when my wife would want to do something impulsive (like random holidays or feel the need to move interstate) I would tell her about our long term plans we both agreed to and how much longer these plans would take if we just did what we wanted all the time.

Armed with knowledge, from you, from others, from books, past experience, from everything! Once I'm free of the grief and pain of betrayal, I really do see a bright future for me in a healthy loving relationship.

I will get that book. I think it's time I spend less time thinking about her and more time on me!

I seem to have this song in my head... .initially perhaps anger driven (the chorus)... .but more now the lyrics near to the end of the song "for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself"... .

And that's exactly what I did... .completely lost myself when I immersed myself into that crazy world... .  I'm missing her (I think - not sure what) but I aint missing her torture. I feel calmer and don't have that heart racing feeling anymore... .Am getting on with life and will let karma sort things out?  And Im going to ruminate the hell out of the situation until I cant be bothered anymore. Then I know I will have moved on! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZHoci2Wjs0