BPDFamily.com

Hi, everyone.

My daughter has had behavioral issues and has displayed self-destructive behaviors for the past 5-6 years. We have had her in behavioral hospitals 4 times in the past 3 years. Various psychiatrists have diagnosed her with depression and anxiety. She engaged in cutting for a while but stopped. She also has significant medical issues, including migraines and ulcerative colitis. She recently spent 30 days in inpatient substance abuse treatment. She relapsed within a week of exiting the program, has since turned 18, and refuses to reenter treatment. She lives mostly with her mother, my ex, who has significant medical and psyvchaitric issues of her own. My daughter appears to care very little about keeping her commitments or promises or following any rules I set. She is manipulative.

Quite frankly, I feel emotionally blackmailed most of there time by both of them. I have run out of consequences for their behavior, most of which don't work anyway. Any advice you all can offer is appreciated.

Hi Codeman

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here though. Your daughter unfortunately exhibits some very problematic behavior.

It is also very unfortunate the she refuses to seek treatment again now that she's 18. Do you feel that she at least does acknowledge that she has certain problems? Or does she seem to believe there is nothing wrong with her?

To help you get started here, I encourage you to look at the tools and lessons in the right-hand side margin of this board. These resources can (hopefully) help you in your interactions with your daughter.

You also mention her mother, your, ex, who also has significant psychiatric issues. Do they have the same kind of psychiatric issues? Is your ex getting help for her own psychiatric issues?

I am glad you reached out for support and advice here and encourage you to keep posting and reading here

dear codeman

I am glad you found this support. It has helped me so many times and I have learned so much. I am sorry that you are struggling right now. This is a good place to ask questions on how to deal with a certain problem. I have really benefited from the advise here.

I can see you are in a difficult position and your dd is doing a good job of splitting you and your ex. How does you ex feel about things? Does she feel your dd has problems? Trying to find a united front would be helpful.

My dd turned 18 last year and we have also experienced resistance to getting help. We have just tried to set some firm boundaries. Usually she gets herself into a situation where even herself can see she needs help. Not sure that is the case with your dd... .but if my dd wants to live in our home then she will do certain things and meet certain expectations. Maybe that is a place to start for you. Write down what is expected of your dd and what the consequences are if they are not met.

I hope you keep posting and asking questions... .the more you learn the better prepared you are for the challenges.

Hi, Keamina and Jellibeans.

Thanks for you're replies.

My daughter does admit that she has issues,  but so far only with depression,  anxiety,  and substance abuse.  She has been going to her appointments,  including counselor, psychiatrist,  and IOP.  She is switching to another IOP since the one she's in is mostly younger kids (12-14). She has also been going to NA meetings. She told us she would kill herself before going back to inpatient treatment.

Her mom has many of the same types of issues,  including anxiety,  epilepsy,  migraines,  and depression.  And,  she has many of the same BP tendencies of my daughter. She has been taking opioids and Xanax for over 10 years and can't function without them.  Yet,  she insists she has no issues with substance abuse since they are prescribed for legitimate medical diagnoses.  My daughter often steals medications from her.  Presenting a united front just won't happen.  My ex enables her at every opportunity and won't set boundaries that she will stick to. My ex sees a psychiatrist but hasn't been in counseling in years.  I've been trying to get all of us into family counseling and my ex into personal counseling for nearly 2 years... .  But of course,  she can never go and it's always their fault for not having an appointment time that coincides with her schedule. 

My daughter lives with my ex and rarely stays at my house.  I have every little in terms of leverage and there are very few boundaries that I can set with her.  All I have left is paying for her tuition and for her for her medical insurance.

It's really difficult.  I feel like my daughter is just being ripped away and there's little to nothing I can do.

Hi Codeman,

Sorry to hear what you are up against in getting your daughter to seek help for herself or make any headway with boundaries.

Maybe just focusing on building a healthier relationship between the 2 of you would reap some benefit.  Modeling the skills you wish her to use is a win win.

Let us know how it goes.

lbj