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It was a total wash, from start to finish. I mean, I had some fun and wasn't a wreck the whole time, but it was pretty bad most of the time.

I'm getting a new phone, so I've been going through pics and transferring them, and o my lord I came across the pics I took of the basement room I moved into when everything exploded--Jan-April 2015. It made me so so so sad, seeing the little homey touches I tried to give it and the sympathetic, smiling face of the old friend who let me move in there. Oh my heart, that was hard. I had my friend, her dog, my brother and sister, and yet I had never been lonelier.

Looking at those pictures made me think, he will never know the person I had to be then to get by. He doesn't know me anymore. Our paths have diverged so much that no amount of therapy on either of our parts, no heartfelt effort, no memories of the past would be enough to restore my love for him at this point.

I guess it's progress, but it's such a sad feeling. Life is so hard, even for the lucky among us. How do we keep going?

Just -- yes. So true. There is a saying "someday this pain will be useful to you." I am hoping there will be a time when things have happened in my life that make me glad it all "went this way," a phrase my ex used ("I'm sorry it went this way". Life is tough with some good parts. I sometimes tell myself that it probably won't get worse than this. This is probably the very hardest part, right now.

I share your feeling that at this point, too much living on both sides has happened to restore things with my ex. We are different people now. We have chosen to live all these details with others. I know that's a sobering realization when you shared so much and so many small details with someone. For me the sadness of that is compounded by knowing that my ex "dumps" memories that don't work with his current course. I remember all these little moments but for him they are mostly gone.

I sure hope that's true, patientandclear--at least for you and as many of us as possible.

As for me, this year has been a reminder of how many times I was knocked down as a kid. It was like I'd been waiting for the next wave for thirty years, and I didn't know until I'd been knocked flat again. But I hope it's the last wave.

Yesterday I spent a few hours with a friend whose life has been pulled out from under her. Married 20 years. Things were going badly. In the course of talking through them she learned that he was having a love affair with another woman. Then it came out that there had been another full-fledged love affair, and before that, many casual infidelities. And there was no remorse. Just "men have affairs, everyone knows that"... . 

So, nothing to work with. And now he, a 66-year-old, will pursue his love affair with the 30-year-old who for some reason wants him. He said he would call his love affair off for a month, out of solidarity with my friend, because he saw how bad she felt. She said don't bother, she wouldn't feel better in a month anyhow. Essentially, everything came together for her and she realized that he never loved her, didn't love anyone, that he is, in fact, a howling void masquerading as a whole person.

I know this realization. I had it about my mother last year. That was very, very bad. I wanted to help my friend, but I know there is nothing much I can do for her. She is at the beginning of a loneliness so much more profound than what I went through with the ex.

So I guess... .I am reflecting that the loneliness and horror of this past year is not so much about what happened with my uBPDex. It was the combination of that and realizing what I did about my mother. And he will never be able to be the person who was there with me for that.

I'm thinking of my friend, who is at the very beginning of this journey. She's a tough lady. She doesn't want me fawning all over her. I wish she knew how deeply I understood.